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Are close friends of the gender you are attracted to okay when you're married?

Faithful1975

By Faithful1975,
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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Faithful1975

Faithful1975

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Hi folks,

 

I am kind of struggling with this issue in my marriage right now and I am wondering what people's opinions are on this.

 

I can't explain why but ever since I have gotten out of college I have had an easier time making new friends that are women. I think it may be because , as my wife tells me, I am a good listener and I evidently seem "safe" to women - which I would think would be a good thing.

 

So I am kind of wondering what everyone's thoughts are on this and what "rules" and/or "boundaries" do you think are reasonable. For example, is it okay to meet your friend once a month for coffee or go to an event related to a shared interest your spouse doesn't care about and/or can't attend as long as you are open with everything? Does the duration of the friendship make a difference?

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RecentChange

RecentChange

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I don't think there are any universal rules. It's up to the individuals in the relationship.

 

My husband and I have some common female friends who like the same sort of music he does - he has gone to concerts with them - doesn't bother me at all. I trust him and I am happy for the stand in so I don't have to go to a concert I don't like!

 

I have a close life long male friend - we do stuff together and my husband doesn't mind.

 

I will say, we know each other's friends, most end up "our" friends. If he was lunching with a girl I never met, I might feel differently.

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Woggle

Woggle

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We don't live in a gender segregated world so with men and women operating in the same spaces it is only natural that friendships will develop. If somebody wants to cheat they will and having friends has nothing to do with that.

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d0nnivain

d0nnivain

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It depends on how your spouse feels about it.

 

Friends in your life before your romance, have to be respected. New friends are trickier but I wouldn't go spending that much time one on one with any opposite sex friend.

 

I'm flirty. I work in a male dominated field. I also love college football. I meet new guys constantly but I'm not texting them; I'm not leading them on; I rarely go out of my way to arrange to spend time with them. If I'm out & about at work I may have lunch with a buddy if we're both standing there at lunch time. If I am planning to have lunch with another man, I tell my husband about it beforehand, not in an ask permission way but just in an information way. Everything is above board & everybody knows where the lines are.

 

Whatever it is that you are doing & talking about just make sure your spouse would be welcome to be there & join the conversation.

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central

central

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I would say it all depends on several factors: Is your wife okay with you having female friends? Can you behave appropriately with these friends even if you are alone with them? Can you shut them down if they begin to cross boundaries? Is your wife able to come along when you get together, if she wants?

 

I have many female friends, myself. I am very good at setting and observing boundaries, as agreed to with my wife and with those friends. For a couple of years I've a movie night once a week with one of these friends - we watch stuff my wife does not care for, but she is always welcome. Sometimes we'll have dinner first, and we usually drink wine. If the weather is nice, we may go swimming in her pool first. We are very close, but not romantic and definitely not sexual. I have another such friend (actually, a former FWB, but now completely platonic), and we've even traveled together for a week, sharing a room. My wife trusts us, is a friend too, and was okay with that trip because she knows we can keep boundaries even when it would be easy for some people to ignore them.

 

Of course, you don't get this level of trust immediately. You build it over time. However, IMO, it is completely fine to have opposite sex friends if you can set and observe suitable boundaries.

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Faithful1975

Faithful1975

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Thanks for these great responses, they are very helpful.

 

Where we are struggling a bit right now is that I have a female friend I have known for about twenty year and we actually started hanging out, just as friends, right around the same time my wife and I got together.

 

My wife knows her, and I know her husband, but I wouldn't call myself friends with him and my wife is not friends with her. Nothing negative here but its kind of like how none of my guy friends are really "friends" with my wife per se.

 

Where we have run into a bit of an issue lately is that my friend is partially separated from her husband (they are still married and live together but are not really "together" anymore). My friend and I have absolutely no romantic history and my wife essentially asked me to not hang out with her alone anymore even though I have explained to her that no boundaries have ever been crossed.

 

We only see each other about once a month a for coffee, and maybe a movie, but my wife has always been cool in the past with this and knows about it when we hang out. We do text sporadically and maybe talk once a week but this is the norm for my close guy friends as well.

 

At first I was cool with not seeing her but it's been like two months since we've hung out and I kind of miss her. Plus it seems like it would be a hell of lot more efficient to meet for coffee once a month then spend weeks playing phone tag and trying to have a conversation via text.

 

I love my wife, and respect her, but I feel like she is constraining me a bit as this woman is really the only close friend I have, outside of my wife, where we live. Am I being unreasonable or should I just have a conversation with my wife and tell her how I feel?

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elaine567

elaine567

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Women will generally not tolerate single females around their husband

Divorced/separated women, especially good looking ones, lose long term friends in droves.

Married women will ditch them forthwith, they get invited nowhere, patties and social gatherings are denied to them. They become persona non grata or are relegated to quick coffees or lunches.

Women will guard their husband from the predatory female.

They know what women are capable of, so take no chances.

 

Your friend was acceptable as a married woman, now she is the enemy...

Engage at your peril.

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d0nnivain

d0nnivain

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Regularly going to the movies with an opposite sex friend seems like dating to me. Take your wife along to the movies

 

Coffee only for an hour should be OK. Make sure you improve the transparency in light of your friend's pending divorce. Your wife is right to be concerned that this friend may seek to "cry on your shoulder."

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IslandSanctuary

IslandSanctuary

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Would you be ok with your wife going to the movies one on one with a single male on a regular basis?

 

Personally I wouldn't. But I don't have a huge social life, I'm not the most social creature.

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mark clemson

mark clemson

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I had a somewhat similar situation with a woman I became friends with from work. She is over 10 years older than me, so less of a threat (although she is somewhat attractive actually). A few thoughts:

 

There should be a social hierarchy - to take a chess metaphor, your wife is a "queen", most friends are "pawns" (not derogatory, just in terms of level of importance in your life) or possibly "rooks" or "bishops" etc. At any rate, your wife outranks any of them and should have say over any specific friend if she feels threatened. (If she wants you to have no friends, that's a different matter, heh.)

 

If she really doesn't want you to see this person, you should give her up. Find new or different friends (I realize that is easier said than done) OR only "see" her in a non-threatening manner, e.g. via phone conversations with your wife having the option to be present if she wishes, email exchanges (with your wife having the option to read) or similar.

 

At the risk of stating the obvious, do NOT do anything with this woman behind your wife's back as that will be seen as a betrayal. ALWAYS inform her of whatever you may be doing with the friend.

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mark clemson

mark clemson

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I should have added, it's possible for a friendship to gradually change into an emotional affair where there is significant (emotional) intimacy and/or real attraction. That's quite dangerous to a marriage as it can sometimes then turn into a physical affair. If you develop limerence, then the urge to go physical can become extremely strong, much stronger than normal sex drive. It's similar to an addiction to the other person.

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Mr. Lucky

Mr. Lucky

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Where we have run into a bit of an issue lately is that my friend is partially separated from her husband (they are still married and live together but are not really "together" anymore). My friend and I have absolutely no romantic history and my wife essentially asked me to not hang out with her alone anymore even though I have explained to her that no boundaries have ever been crossed.

 

Your wife is a smart woman. It's way too easy to transition from a shoulder to cry on to something else more dangerous. While I'm sure your intentions are good, that's exactly what the road to hell is paved with...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Faithful1975

Faithful1975

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These are some really well thought out, and colorful, comments so thank you.I guess I was hoping for different answers but I should be clear that I understand that the fact my friend is separated has definitely had a major impact on my wife's feelings and I am not saying she is wrong to have those feelings.

 

With that said, however, I don't feel like I should have to give up my friendship or be relegated to playing phone, and text, tag with her for the rest of my life or until she meets someone else. If anything I think it is more of thorn in my wife's side to see the texts and phone calls, which she is free to look at. I just want to be able to grab coffee with her, during the day, with my wife's permission like once a month, or less, to catch up like I would with any friend.

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Mr. Lucky

Mr. Lucky

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I just want to be able to grab coffee with her, during the day, with my wife's permission like once a month, or less, to catch up like I would with any friend.

 

And I want a weekend with Jennifer Anniston. Given that we're both married, we each have a decision to make. Happy wife, happy life...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Faithful1975

Faithful1975

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Well fair enough, but I hardly think wanting to spend a weekend with Jennifer Aniston is the same as wanting to grab coffee, at a public location, with a friend I have known for almost twenty years. BTW, I would prefer a weekend with Kristen Bell personally.

 

Anyway, I think I have to figure this out because ultimately I am afraid I am going to lose her as a friend or at least make her think I don't want to be around her. She has already asked me to have lunch once and i actually had a legitimate reason I couldn't meet but things are starting to get a bit weird and I am sure she is wondering what is up with me.

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elaine567

elaine567

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Anyway, I think I have to figure this out because ultimately I am afraid I am going to lose her as a friend or at least make her think I don't want to be around her. She has already asked me to have lunch once and i actually had a legitimate reason I couldn't meet but things are starting to get a bit weird and I am sure she is wondering what is up with me.

 

You are her long term friend, so just tell her.

Your wife will no longer accept you hanging about one on one with a separated woman.

I doubt your wife will be too impressed with the phone calls and texts either.

The dynamic has now changed.

The risk to your marriage is now huge as far as your wife is concerned .

 

It is up to you to choose.

Your wife or "the friend", you can no longer have both.

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elaine567

elaine567

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Take your wife with you or ask your wife to have her over for dinner or a game or something.

 

They are not friends, and the OP does not want his wife in the picture either - awkward.

I guess your wife is relieved she has found a way to get rid of her.

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mark clemson

mark clemson

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I agree, just explain to the friend why rather than leaving her wondering. She'll almost certainly understand. You can mention that it might be possible to meet once your wife feels more secure (IF that happens).

 

Most women have lots of friends. You'll probably be missed, but you have a VERY good reason for bowing out.

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Mr. Lucky

Mr. Lucky

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I hardly think wanting to spend a weekend with Jennifer Aniston is the same as wanting to grab coffee, at a public location, with a friend I have known for almost twenty years.

 

Ask you wife what she thinks :) . Oh wait, you don't have to, she's already told you.

 

Faithful1975, your wife isn't concerned about what your friendship is, she's worried about what it could become. Just as fences make for good neighbors, boundaries protect marriages...

 

Mr. Lucky

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mark clemson

mark clemson

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Yeah, Fromheart, it's really up to the spouse and person to set the boundaries. Your statement is one level of boundary, but others have much "stricter" ones as per lots of the threads here.

 

If a boundary is too rigid the person can always leave the marriage. Easier said than done of course, but that's the idea.

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preraph

preraph

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Well, if she's really just your friend, then there is NO reason why you wouldn't want your good friend to get to know your wife and also be friends with her. So this would make anyone suspicious. You either incorporate your wife into the friendship at least occasionally so she can get a read on this woman and decide for herself if she's a threat or not, or you choose.

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pepperbird

pepperbird

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The only advice I can give is that, if you feel maintaining your friendship is a "must", proceed with caution.

 

It's a shoulder to cry on to become something more. Let's say you meet your friend (call her "A") and A starts talking about her ex and the separation. She becomes emotional, starts to cry and looks like she is in desperate need of some physical comforting ( I don't mean anything sexual).

 

What will you do? Do you give her a hug, or do you back off? What are your boundaries? Where is the line in the sand? What if she says she can't talk in a public place and wants to go somewhere more private? What will you say?

 

 

 

These are questions you may want to really consider. What are your boundaries and how will you enforce them?

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