Having issues being attracted to my own.

[HappyMiser]

Hello.

In order to (try) and prevent bias I won't use actual races but instead the letters A and B. I am a part of race A. Race B is who I like.

 

I would like some help with the following issue I am having: I have never been and/or can't be attracted to my own race. I have always been attracted to race B both in platonic friendships and romantic partnerships. Now, this has never been an issue for me because I've always found race B to be very interested in me both romantically and just as friends, but for some reasons lately I am struggling with the feeling that I am a "traitor" to my own because I would not date someone from race A and I have some, but not many at all, friends of race B. Though mostly just my own family. I think it is partly because growing up and in college, I was surrounded 95-100% of the time by race B. So I am just accustomed to them. I have trouble finding race A attractive both physically and mentally.

 

Any suggestions?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think just give yourself a break. I have a Korean friend who felt this way always. Never dated an Asian guy, was never attracted to them. Married a (much younger) white guy when she was in her forties. Her identical twin married an African/Singaporian.

 

I think we like what we like. You're not a racist or a traitor in my Caucasian eyes anyway.

[elaine567]

I think it is partly because growing up and in college, I was surrounded 95-100% of the time by race B. So I am just accustomed to them. I have trouble finding race A attractive both physically and mentally.

 

Race B because you spent so much time surrounded by them are "your" people, it is no surprise that you are thus physically and mentally attracted to them.

[preraph]

As long as it's working for you, don't sweat it. You found your niche, I guess.

[stillafool]

No one can make you love someone just because they are the race you are supposed to love. There are millions of people in the world and everyone is dating and marrying who they love so why shouldn't you. You would not be doing any woman of your race a favor by being with her when you aren't attracted to her. Plus, people don't really care anymore.

[Springsummer]

Who cares?

[elaine567]

Who cares?

Society cares.

Individual races care.

We have not reached the stage of the global melting pot yet

Some places are better than others in accepting racial diversity.

We in the UK thought we were getting there, but it seems to me we are now getting more divided than ever.

[mark clemson]

Any suggestions?

 

 

Cut yourself some slack. As you note there are valid reasons for your preferences, and even if there weren't you're not being a traitor to your race. There are indeed people who might see it that way, but honestly they have warped views of reality that place too much stock in "race" and not do not recognize the impact of environment/socialization etc.

[stillafool]

Race B because you spent so much time surrounded by them are "your" people, it is no surprise that you are thus physically and mentally attracted to them.

 

I agree with this. These are your people not race A.

[major_merrick]

Some people have a stronger sense of racial identity than others. Some of that comes from upbringing, some from morality, and some from who you hang around. I suspect that your affinity to a race that is not your own comes from more frequent contact with them than with those who look like you. And you probably act more like the race/culture that you hang around, which makes you accepted among them.

 

For me, I'm Caucasian. Russian/German specifically - and it is important. I'm proud of my blonde hair, fair skin, and hazel eyes, and I am glad my children will look like me. I have a romantic affinity almost solely for other Caucasians, yet I've learned to embrace my husband's other partners and develop genuine affection for them even though we don't share language and culture. Valuing your own background doesn't have to be a barrier to accepting others.

 

My husband walks the line between two worlds - Caucasian and Hispanic. He has an affinity for Hispanic people because of his time working and living among them. He speaks Spanish conversationally and has two Hispanic partners. Racial identity isn't particularly important to him. His kids are a mixture of ethnicities. Watching them grow up together is interesting, because to them having half-siblings of another ethnic mixture is pretty normal. Their identity is familial and religious, not racial/cultural/linguistic.

 

Ultimately, you just end up going with the people who accept you. You work with the identity that you value. If that isn't the race or culture of your birth, then you find something else.

[lavenderandvelvet]

Hello.

In order to (try) and prevent bias I won't use actual races but instead the letters A and B. I am a part of race A. Race B is who I like.

 

I would like some help with the following issue I am having: I have never been and/or can't be attracted to my own race. I have always been attracted to race B both in platonic friendships and romantic partnerships. Now, this has never been an issue for me because I've always found race B to be very interested in me both romantically and just as friends, but for some reasons lately I am struggling with the feeling that I am a "traitor" to my own because I would not date someone from race A and I have some, but not many at all, friends of race B. Though mostly just my own family. I think it is partly because growing up and in college, I was surrounded 95-100% of the time by race B. So I am just accustomed to them. I have trouble finding race A attractive both physically and mentally.

 

Any suggestions?

 

Here is my take on this, before you give up on race a, I think you need to better unpack why race a is a poor fit for you. And I mean really really unpack it.

 

I think some people have race preferences that are based on shallow reasons like hair color or whatever. I don't think that is a big deal.

 

Where it is problematic is when someone says they do not like race b because they have stereotypes about them. Sometimes those stereotypes are rooted in classism. Sometimes they are rooted in racism. Sometimes they are rooted in the whole racial hierarchy we have and you are looking for hypergamy.

 

So really really spend time thinking about why you don't like your own group, and ask yourself, if you met someone had all of the characteristics you are looking for in a relationship, and they were race a, what would happen?

 

As long as you understand your preferences authentically, I think you are clear to make a decisions and help to validate your opinion with your family. But it will take some self reflection.

 

For me personally, I am race a, and grew up with race b. And while I have a preference for race a and race c that meets my criteria. I am opposed to race b, but I am trying to unpack that a little bit and be more open to the right fit and not focus as much on the race part. I have found good looking people of every race, but it hasn't often translated into attraction and connection.