Wife Separated, What Now?

[riley_sc]

Hello,

 

I was married last June to my wife, she moved to this city with me a few years ago. I ended up starting a business 1.5 years ago that we lost a bunch of money on and I was spending way too much time working on the business. I lost sight of what she needed with my busy schedule and we started fighting. She started talking about us moving back to her hometown. I couldn't with my business tying me here and dropping the business would mean bankruptcy. She ended up having a miscarriage a few months ago. Then her grandfather (who raised her) passed away. She out of nowhere went there to be with him and once he passed away she notified me shes staying there with the possibility of "maybe" coming back next spring. (6 months away from me)

 

For her first week there everything seemed alright. She's been there a month now, she has a terrible support system through her family there. They all want her to stay there and are trying to convince her to stay. She ended up getting a job there, barely talks to me(text or phone), wont even look at me if I try to facetime her, is short with me, deletes my facebook posts from her wall if i send her something, playing games, lying to me about small things. She's super distant and as soon as I try to talk about anything about our situation she gets mad and backs off further. She says I love you if we talk on the phone before we go to bed (2-3 minute conversations) but never sends any nice messages anymore. She texts me first each day with a "hey" no other words and then proceeds to maybe text me back 3-6 times in a day. She keeps busy, joined a gym, and spends all day every day with people. Party's on Fridays. (Im 30, shes 26)

 

What should I do in your opinion? Any ideas on whats going through her mind?

 

Is she:

a) Trying to see if she can deal with leaving me, so just keeping me hanging

b) Trying to move on

c) Trying to force me to miss her, drop everything and move there with her

d) Does plan on moving back shes just spending a lot of time with people there and too busy to message me?

e) Other

[DKT3]

Your wife has gone through alot in a short period, what you need to do is stop thinking about what's going on with you and figure out how to be there for and emotionally support her.

[mark clemson]

No specific advice but it would bother me immensely that she unilaterally decided to do this. That isn't partnership, it's you didn't do what I wanted, so now I'm just going to do it anyway. Not a big deal if it's going to a movie, a BIG deal to move out for 6 months (life stresses or no).

 

If I had to guess I'd say A or C. I've heard people around here mention that deaths in the family sometimes cause people to re-assess their life situation (not necessarily a bad thing for the spouse but can be sometimes).

 

Have you asked her whether she intends to divorce or why she thinks it's ok to be away for 6 months? You are young and should be all over each other, screwing several times a week, etc. (Although not right around the time of these two tragic events).

 

I hate to say this, but to be honest it wouldn't surprise me that IF your business does not work out and you are out of work for an extended time, she may decide to leave you then. If she doesn't already intend to leave then she will give you a reasonable chance to get it together, so my suggestion is to not go too long without an income.

[riley_sc]

DKT3 - I'm trying to support her and be there for her. I asked if there's anything I can do for her and she got mad.. She moved 8 hours away. Hard to support her when I'm not there and she'll barely talk to me so I don't know how else I can be supportive other than selling my life's work, dropping everything, going broke and moving there to a small city I absolutely hate and left for a reason, and she came with me here.

 

Mark Clemson - Exactly, that's how I feel. I have a no divorce policy unless she cheats, she told me the same when we were dating/first married. It seems like she has forgotten it all. She hasn't asked for a divorce yet but I can definitely tell its crossing her mind often. If I bring up anything regarding this whole situation she gets mad and backs off even more so at this point I'm a bit more distant. I'm just trying to gather advice and take things one step at a time without trying to push her away more. The sex was good until the miscarriage a few months ago. I'm in the process of getting a job, reworking/restructuring the company and reorganizing my life. It should all be worked out shortly.

[carhill]

She's 26, has a job back in her home town, no kids, file, move on IMO. When life dumps a bunch of poop on you, you find out how good you are at shoveling it.

 

FWIW, I was her age, actually 25, when the father who raised me passed away, buried him with full military honors in the morning and went back to work at my employer after lunch. Nothing heroic, just life. Work to be done. Took care of mom after work. Different era though. Good luck with your business, you're young, failures are OK, you'll learn from them, including this marriage.

[Mr. Lucky]

e) Other

 

I think it's this, she's just living day to day and trying to process everything that's happened.

 

Were it me, I'd shut down or sell the failing business and go there so we could figure this out together. That choice probably keeps you married, any other most likely leads to divorce.

 

Up to you ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[hestheone66]

You mention that there had been a lot of fighting.. it's possible that she just can't deal with the adult responsibility of marriage and is looking for an easy out.

 

You may think this is rude and I apologise in advance...can you verify the pregnancy..if not then I'd seriously consider just walking away

[schlumpy]

I think she wants you to initiate the divorce so she can claim she tried. She can't point to you as the bad guy if you find out she's cheating so she's putting pressure on you by abandoning you and not allowing any emotional intimacy. Each time she calls she is taking the pulse of your desire to stay married.

 

I don't know what state you live in but if it's a no-fault state then just have her served. I don't think you will experience any resistance. Your "no divorce unless cheating principle" is not serving you well unless you are verifying that she is not running around.

 

If you can prove she is cheating and the laws are amenable to using that info in the divorce proceedings then use it to cut her out of any settlement.

 

If you had acted in a timely fashion you could have got an annulment since the time served was under a year but that can vary from state to state.

 

You need legal advice pronto!

[d0nnivain]

Did you go to the grandfather's funeral? If not that is a huge part of this. Have you talked about the miscarriage? I am sorry for your loss, by the way.

 

The death of a child through miscarriage or otherwise often tears families apart. Between the death of her child & the death of her grandfather she has gotten it into her head that you don't care.

 

She's now drawn a line in the sand & is playing the chase me game. She's also probably so depressed she can't see straight. The next move (literally) is up to you.

 

If you hope to save your marriage go talk to her & find out a). what if anything it would take for her to come back &/or b). if she's willing to work on the marriage if you move there.

 

Give some serious thought to relocating the business to where she is. Seriously at least write out the new business & marketing plan for that location. You are already losing money; what's a few more bucks if it will turn the rest of your life around? Also seek help from places like SCORE & your local SBDC. I know you said you don't' want to go back there but what do you want more, an address or her?

 

If the business doesn't work from that location, are you willing to get a job to save your marriage? You said you are looking for employment. Being self employed is taxing on a marriage. There are reasons that 75% of all small businesses fail within the 1st 2 years.

Edited November 13, 2019 by d0nnivain

[Dreamer2017]

Dear Riley,

 

You have received some good advice from some of the posters i.e. Donnivain. I would recommend you now put on your big boys pants and take control of your marriage. There is something going with your wife but yet to be determined. I have a recommendation for you. You must understand that your wife has gone through some very emotional events and she is suffering from some mental stress. She needs your physical and emotional support. I would recommend the following.

 

1.) I would schedule a trip to visit your wife's town this coming weekend.

2.) I would be there and be waiting for her when she gets off from work

3.) Book a hotel room for the weekend

4.) Make a reservation for a nice restaurant for Friday night.

5.) Send flowers to her job and make sure they arrive on Friday.

 

Over the weekend, speak to her heart and ask her very important questions in regard to the marriage. This weekend doesn’t need to be physical but it must be relational and loving. If she is cheating, you will know.

 

Make it happen this weekend. Put your marriage first.

 

Best,

Dreamer

[riley_sc]

Thanks for all the responses! I was there for 5 days during her grandfathers funeral, during the miscarriage I was there however in hindsight I was a bit more distant than I should have been, I was trying to be strong but came off distant. (her "adoptive" mother I guess pointed it out to her) there were some complications with the miscarriage and I stayed with her every step of the way even staying at the hospital through the night with her. As much as her leaving pains me I still want to do what it takes to save the marriage. There are some other things I didnt mention which are probably at play here (almost her entire family are alcoholics and drug addicts and she was basically abandoned as a child, etc.) but I think I got my answer from this. Thanks again!

[schlumpy]

As much as her leaving pains me I still want to do what it takes to save the marriage.

 

I wish you well. Please come back and let us know if you succeeded.

[Mr. Lucky]

I still want to do what it takes to save the marriage.

 

Then make the trip. What you're looking for can't be accomplished LD or remotely...

 

Mr. Lucky

[carhill]

OP, you mentioned her deceased grandfather raised your wife. Are her parents dead? Incarcerated? Living in Sudan? What? If her FOO was sideways and she's 26 and brain barely fully formed, well, God be with you.

[riley_sc]

Carhill - Her mother is an alcoholic/drug addict, moves around the country with each man she meets. Her father is awesome but he's more like a friend than a father. She grew up in a pretty messed up situation. It seemed like she came out normal for what she was dealt, however now I'm starting to see the other sides come out a bit. Her "adoptive family" (she stayed with them for a few years) her adoptive mother was on drugs all throughout the period and one of the two sisters has a pretty messed up view of things. All in all her support system back home is terrible and I can't understand her need to "be around family" when they're all messed up and I'm the only stable thing in her life.

[ctdans]

Don't hate me for saying this but she has something else going on. Not saying cheating but there is a lot she is not telling you.

 

Going away for a short time is understandable. Not a good thing for you but understandable. But to say she might not be back? To not want to have a discussion at all? There is more on her mind than she let on.

 

As others said you cannot work this out remotely. You need to be together. If she won't come to you then you go to her.

 

You also have to ask yourself what is more important: Your business or your marriage? Sure you need income to live but do you want to live alone or together? Being poor together may be better than being alone. What do you value more. The business or your marriage?

 

However, I ask you to consider her behavior. If this is normal for her do you want to be married to someone that would do this to you? Tell her you want soup there and talk. If she says no then take a week off and go there and observe. Watch where she is living; at home or with someone else? What does she do after work? Who is she with? You stated her family is pretty bad and not supportive so is she living there or not?

 

If you see her all alone and just sad then confront her NICELY and ask for a coffee or lunch chat. If you see her with a boy friend then you decide the next course of action.