nospam99 Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 Reading the 'overnights' as usual this morning. It seems to me (no data, just subjective impression) that Dating is the most active category I read and that most of the threads there eventually degenerate into 'he/she dumped me with or without ghosting'. What a downer. Am I just tuning out too many of the 'happy endings'? Or are people in successful relationships more likely to not post or leave LS altogether while people in emotional pain are more likely to post looking for support or sympathy? Do most romantic relationships fail? Or just the ones that get reported? As much as my own dating life has sucked in recent months, it is NOT encouraging to mostly read threads about emotional abuse and betrayal. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 It's not you. Most people reach out when they are upset. Think about reviews; you see more bad then good for the same reason. It's almost impolite to post that everything in your life is great. This is also an advice site. If everything is good, you don't need advice so there is nothing to ask. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 Exactly. I found this site googling on a relationship issue, but have also looked for a forum where people would be positive and talking about improving and sharing positive experience (just can’t find it). I believe a view of relationships, OLD, etc based on threads here is kind of like the view of the world an emergency room physician or cop can have. They see primarily only when things go wrong, and their jobs are the ones to encounter it. they don’t encounter all the time things don’t go wrong. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 fifty or sixty years ago most romantic relationships did not "fail" per se. nowadays its seems that most romantic relationships do fail. I guess people have different priorities these days... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 No they still failed. It was just not heard of to get a divorce so the people stayed together in unhappy relationships. Plus people think everything is disposable these days including relationships so they don't work to fix things when problems arise. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 The world is a screwed up place and it is getting worse. People reach out to others to find an end or an explanation for their suffering. I think that most people tend to live rather unhappy lives. Depressing, isn't it? For me, my today is better than my yesterdays. Not perfect, but immensely better. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 Think about this way... How many people do you tell when you get a good experience from a business or some other daily interaction? Practically never.,,, Someone screws you over or you feel you got poor treatment, then you may write a bad online review and/or tell everyone you know about how shytty they are....Its just human nature.... TFY 2 Link to post Share on other sites
greymatter Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 I’m in a wonderful relationship but my sense is that people don’t actually want to hear from those who found someone (whether it be via OLD or IRL for the initial connection). I get why, but it may be part of why people in relationships don’t say much about the good relationships they are having, out of sensitivity for those who are struggling or still searching. I don’t see my 18 year relationship/marriage ending as a failure. There were many good parts and good times, and I learned a lot about relationships and what I need and what I could do without. I also would never settle again. I’d rather be single but fortunately now I’m with my ideal partner who I wish I had met long ago. I knew “nothing” when I was younger though. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 Yeah. I suspect few people seek out a forum like this at a time when everything in their relationship life is hunky-dory/going great. They post when they have an issue they need advice or emotional support with. The occasional "things are going great" posts are nice to see and I try to respond with a congrats or similar. But of course, if things are going great, there isn't usually that much to say. Do most romantic relationships fail? Humans tend to be serial monogamists, so yes, most do. That's not necessarily a bad thing unless you're one of the few who strongly prefer a single lifetime partner either through socialization or "wiring". (Or I suppose if you have moral views on the subject that you feel the need to apply to everyone else.) Even many lifetime partners have had at least a few prior SOs. Multiple partners are probably good for the gene pool and rooted in evolutionary biology. Keep in mind that before modern medicine life was really always on the knife's edge and being able to move on from a partner who died in childbirth, battle, or from a now curable illness was (and is) beneficial to spreading your own genes. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 I agree with those above about why you see a lot of unhappy relationships on here. Besides, if you want to hear more happy ending stories, why not start your own thread asking for members to share some successes they've had? Nothing is stopping you from changing the conversation. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 I think most people find this forum when they're having a relationship problem and looking for advice, commiseration, support. That was the case for me. And the fact is that if you're a person who has relationship problems, that tends to perpetuate unless you make a pretty dramatic change to your mindset. My mom has a whole bag of relationship problems and has for her entire marriage. She vents to me about them, but other than that, she simply accepts and deals with them. She's never had to work, my dad has always provided for her, and this is the trade-off she accepts. It's not like she has this wonderful marriage - she just understands the deal she's made and for the most part accepts it. That's my observation about most marriages and relationships around me, too - on this forum, among friends, at work. Very few people have this wonderful relationship with qualities I'd like in my own life. Most people simply accept certain compromises to be in a relationship, sometimes huge compromises. I myself am trying to learn how to "settle" in love and romance. While I can't overlook certain things, I am trying to be more forgiving of flaws and make the best of the positive. I've always been an idealist, a dreamer. In every situation, I recognize the good, but I always see the room for improvement, how it could be even better. And this is in myself as well, always striving to be the best I can be. This means that my finer moments are just sparkling and dreamlike. I'm trying to become a bit more pragmatic and bring all my dreamy idealism down to earth. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 I’m in a wonderful relationship but my sense is that people don’t actually want to hear from those who found someone (whether it be via OLD or IRL for the initial connection). ...fortunately now I’m with my ideal partner who I wish I had met long ago. I knew “nothing” when I was younger though. These are my favorite stories! It's wonderful to see that it IS possible to find a great love without major compromises. So please don't hold back 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 Many of us here are in great relationships. I came on here in 2014 following a heartbreak, then started dating. For an entire year people on here read about my failed dating stories one after one after one......then BOOM! met the right guy and we've been together 4 years. Most of the regulars on here have been in long term relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 I originally reached out to this site because my first marriage was breaking up. I got a lot of very good advice. Then, I stepped away after that part of my life was over. In that time, I jumped from the frying pan into the fire and ended up marrying a controlling, abusive man and now I'm paying penance for that stupid decision. Had I stayed out here and posted some of my experiences, I might have gotten advice that would have prevented that entire fiasco. So, I've decided I'll stay out here on LS regardless of how I think my life is going. :lmao: I put in my two cents, for what it's worth, and I like reading everyone else's experiences. It reminds me life isn't always tied up in a pretty little package for us. Link to post Share on other sites
Stocks87 Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 Most stories here are unhappy because this is a site to get advice on problems. I think the goal for every loveshack member is to eventually graduate from here as their love life improves. Link to post Share on other sites
greymatter Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 I lurked on LS back when I was in an unsatisfying relationship before I became a member. That was in 2013-14. I then met someone on tinder in 2015 who I was in a relationship with for a year, went through a very painful breakup, and didn’t write about much here because it was so hard to get through, and I just needed to work through it. He wasn’t even right for me but it was still so hard. I got lucky last year and met someone wonderful and have been happy, truly happy, with him. I’ve grown a lot since my earlier relationships and that has helped my current relationship be what it is. Nothing is guaranteed and I hope it doesn’t ever end. I certainly don’t take it for granted. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 How many people do you tell when you get a good experience from a business or some other daily interaction? Practically never.,,, Someone screws you over or you feel you got poor treatment, then you may write a bad online review and/or tell everyone you know about how shytty they are....Its just human nature.... Actually saw a statistic in a marketing presentation that said people tend to tell 3 others about a positive experience with a business. Bad experience, they told 17 people. Maybe LS needs an "Everything's Great" forum with a "Humble Brag" subforum ? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 People usually don't seek out relationship forums to talk about how great things are. I first came on here in the aftermath of a nasty divorce from a nasty first marriage and I came here to vent. I am now in a great marriage and much happier and completely in love but I still stick around. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 I think the goal for every loveshack member is to eventually graduate from here as their love life improves. Actually, I hope they stick around to remind others that you'll not only survive, chances are you'll proper... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
some_username1 Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 It's not you. Most people reach out when they are upset. Think about reviews; you see more bad then good for the same reason. It's almost impolite to post that everything in your life is great. This is also an advice site. If everything is good, you don't need advice so there is nothing to ask. Yeah agree with this, especially posting how everything is great. I’ll be honest, I can’t even open that “my life is so great right now” thread in the water cooler section as it seems to radiate smugness (imo). I’m much more at home with the tough love and empathy in the dating section which reminds me that it’s not just me that has a tough row to hoe in life. Human nature I guess. When my life is perfect I’ll be sure to read about how great everyone else is doing It would also be interesting to have an idea of how many truly happy couples there are out there. It’s a good point that people don’t post when their relationship is going well but I do think that we live in a difficult era to sustain relationships and just because we don.’the hear the happy stories on here doesn’t mean that everyone is having a whale of a time outside of this forum. I see a lot of crappy relationships among my friends. It’s really tough these days. Link to post Share on other sites
greymatter Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 For some of us, some parts of life may be great but other parts not so much. I may have found love, but I have a terribly difficult situation with my child (who is on the spectrum) and I have a “good” but terrifically stressful job. I suspect that most people are dealing with some major challenge or another, and very few “have it all” even if they appear to on the outside. But having love and support helps a lot when it comes to dealing with other stressors, even if it’s not a fix for them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 I think there are probably more happy endings here that just haven't been posted. But as pointed out, anything and everything is disposable these days. People will kick you to the curb without rhyme or reason. And I think LS has helped a number of people with their issues that actually read and apply the advice they've been given to their situations. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 Just to note: from a viewpoint that humans are (generally) serial monogamists, "failed" relationships don't actually have to be seen as "failed". They're "normal" relationships that ended (as the majority of relationships do). It may not feel like it at the time due to breakup blues, etc, but that's one way to look at it (and actually a reasonable one IMO). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 Echoing everyone else's sentiment that stories here are biased toward "unhappy" by nature. If someone is in a happy relationship they're unlikely to need to seek advice on a forum such as this. Do most romantic relationships fail? IMO the answer to this is yes, if you define "failing" as a breakup. We're only compatible romantically with a very small fraction of the population, but unfortunately we may not know if we're compatible for life with a partner for a good 2, 5, 10 years or more - not to mention that people change over time and could drift apart anyway. By which time the couple may already be married, likely with kids... and there may be social, religious or other pressures forcing the couple to stay together when they are not happy with each other. I think to be happy in a relationship for life requires a strong level of compatibility (give or take a healthy amount of compromise), and a reasonable amount of luck. I have seen old couples still very much in love but it's very rare. If that doesn't happen then a relationship "failure" is probably a less bad option from an overall contentedness point of view than staying in a cold relationship for the sake of some concept of "success". There's a much simpler approach to that question though - how many relationships did you have before you met your current partner? For most it's not their first relationship so by definition, the majority of your relationships have failed Link to post Share on other sites
Piddy Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 (edited) Just to note: from a viewpoint that humans are (generally) serial monogamists, "failed" relationships don't actually have to be seen as "failed". They're "normal" relationships that ended (as the majority of relationships do). It may not feel like it at the time due to breakup blues, etc, but that's one way to look at it (and actually a reasonable one IMO). That's a great way to look at it. In that regard I've had one relationship that lasted 2 years, the next lasted 9 months, the next one lasted 5 months and then another 5 month one. Then I struck gold at 41 years and counting. I never thought of them as failures. I knew it was just a matter of time to find someone who I was compatible with long term. I really think we get it backwards. It's too bad we need to go for love first, then hope we're compatible in the long run. We should probably go for compatibility first and then see if we can fall in love. Not the way we're wired though I know. This is why most relationships 'fail'. The lovey, dovey / infatuation / velcro stage ends after a few months, then once the brain chemicals subside, reality sets in and you find out if you're compatible. If not then wash, rinse and repeat. Probably have more success having a relationship with a really good friend and skip the velcro stage / temporary dopamine spike in the brain part. Again, not the way we're wired, but my guess is it may last longer going that route. Edited November 14, 2019 by Piddy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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