Is it me, or are most 'stories' here unhappy

[greymatter]

 

Probably have more success having a relationship with a really good friend and skip the velcro stage / temporary dopamine spike in the brain part.

 

Again, not the way we're wired, but my guess is it may last longer going that route.

 

I effectively did that. Never again and wouldn’t recommend it. It lasted 18 years but I ended up so unhappy. Lasting a long time does not equal success. I hated having sex with him and felt repulsed by it. I thought I had no libido for years but it was that I didn’t want him (at 54 now, my libido is very much intact with my current partner). I don’t know if I was ever in love with him, though loved him. A lot of the time I didn’t like him. If I could go back and choose differently I certainly would. A lesson learned the hard way.

[Els]

It just feels weird to me to post a "Hey my relationship is great!!!" thread. Sure if someone starts a happy thread or something I'd join, but otherwise it just doesn't make sense to do it.

[thefooloftheyear]

Happy endings is an oxymoron.

 

Tell that to the guy that just got out of jail...

 

TFY

[pepperbird]

You can have problems in your relationship but still rate it very highly. I've been married over 22 years now, and we've sure had our ups and downs. I wouldn't change it for anything though.

 

I think part of the appeal of sites like this give people an opportunity to discuss issues with a bunch of people they don't know, will probably never meet and who have no real stake in their life. A person can open up about issues they might otherwise never talk about with friends or family IRL.

[Redhead14]

Reading the 'overnights' as usual this morning. It seems to me (no data, just subjective impression) that Dating is the most active category I read and that most of the threads there eventually degenerate into 'he/she dumped me with or without ghosting'. What a downer. Am I just tuning out too many of the 'happy endings'? Or are people in successful relationships more likely to not post or leave LS altogether while people in emotional pain are more likely to post looking for support or sympathy? Do most romantic relationships fail? Or just the ones that get reported? As much as my own dating life has sucked in recent months, it is NOT encouraging to mostly read threads about emotional abuse and betrayal.

 

I think it's important to keep some perspective here. This is a small sampling of the dating population. That being said, if you go to other dating advice-type sites, you're going to have a similar experience. But it's still a small sampling.

 

I will say this though, even with these small samplings, it's clear that dating is a tough thing nowadays.

 

People tend to reach out when there is a problem. They don't come here most of the time with stories about their successful relationships and dating experiences.

 

Try not to let all these scenarios color your attitudes and opinions. Go boldly forth with confidence and the understanding that not every one you date is going to be the "one". There's nothing wrong with you or with the people you date, most of the time You just weren't right for each other. Dating is a process, not an event. Be patient and just enjoy the experience of meeting new people if nothing else.

[Mysterio]

Here are my Random thoughts on this Post.

 

We come here to vent so we don't burden or family/friends with our relationship woes.

 

I really don't like dating, but its the only way to meet a woman for love in my case. To be honest. If there was no physical affection component in a romantic relationship. I think I could be fine being single for life. Its just that I want that in my life. I don't want to pay for it.

 

I had a female friend say that you have to be friends first for a relationship to be successful. I don't know about that. I have a female friend JC that I actually think is physically attractive to me. The reason I don't date her is that she is not doing anything out of the ordinary towards me. If she liked me that way. She would be way more in my face about getting together and being playful and flirtatious. I am at a point in my life that in order for me to be in a romantic relationship. A woman is really going to have to provide Interesting conversations and laughs/Social and Recreational activities. Lots of physical affection between us and does the leg work for us to form as a LTR couple.

 

I don't find us here negative. In my mind I see it this way. Friendship. I allow 10% flexability to work out any problems that come up. Romantic Relationships I say at least 30 %. The reason is that you live with someone who has lots of stimuli affecting how life is going to change and shape them.

 

 

Say I went out with JC romantically. I expect that 70/80% of the time we get along and 20/30% of the time we have to allow flexable mindset to work things out. No way can it be hunky dory all the time.

 

Going back to starting a Romantic Relationship with the opposite sex. Its different for everyone. For me. Whats worked in the past is seeing a woman in a place where we have regular contact. She likes me and I am more open to exploring a LTR. If I make the moves first. There is usually an obstacle in the way. I don't know why that is.

 

Looking at my friends. I would say that most are 80 percent happy. My guy friends that are married or have kids with their SO. It feels like the woman was the more driving force of getting them together. None of my Male friends have to really work it. The Men's SO has no problem spending time with their guy. None of them except 1, to me, are itching to do solo time by themselves.

 

The stories here are in our society I think we have over the top expectations of our SO to be. I actually think we are all serial monogomists for the most part. Rarely are two people that meet in high school are going to make it for a lifetime. I know people that were married when I was edging towards turning 20 and they are all now over with. The wear and tear of life sometimes unravels LTR.

 

If one does friends first. I see the physical lacking towards the end. If one does Lovers first. Outside of the physical. What do you talk about.

 

Thats why I want my three basic circles.

 

Interesting Conversations and laughs. This serves to bond a couple beyond the physical.

 

Social and Recreational activities. Its gives a couple something to talk about and create warm memories.

 

Physical Affection because we all crave it and it feels good.

 

I always am on the lookout for a great stories on love and I don't think its pompose and we gain insight on how to over come problems.

[Mysterio]

All dating to me at its core is finding someone to have physical affection on a regular basis with. So as long as your with that person that is whats going to be the driving force to keep you together. Having Kids/Marriage/FWB etc will affect that access to physical affection.

 

I expect it to die down a bit after you have been with the person for ahwhile, but you just have to keep stoking the fire.

 

So if I ask out a woman on a date. I might as well just say. No matter what we do together. I want us to Hug/Snuggle/Kiss/Make Out/Make Love to each other on a regular basis at least 3-4 times a week. For at least an hour. I am a well rounded guy so as I have said in other posts. I want her and I to have interesting conversations and laughs/Social and recreational activities mixed in with the physical affection.

[Mysterio]

I guess I am on a roll on this topic. What types of problems are couples having in relationships?

 

My last GF in 2012. I found the affection lacking and I was confronted with having a child with her right away. Its like we did have affection but month 3-5 thats when it started to fade and getting together was a chore.

 

From what I hear of my friends the problems vary.

 

Couple 1. The Male has stated to me that his Live in GF, she wants to go out all the time. He is more of a homebody. The Truth is that my friend is a Digital Entertainment junkie and thats the root of the problem. Can't really tear himself away from the Computer games/TV/DVD.

 

Couple 2. The Male is in his head and the Wife wants some attention byond the kids/paying the bills. The Wife is my friend. Thats the struggle they have.

 

Couple 3. The Male wants a lot of sex and the wife sees it as a chore.

 

Couple 4. The woman wants the man to keep any Meat off a certain part of the counter as she is a vegetarian.

 

Those are the challenges I hear about.

[SumGuy]

I’d like to be a part of couple 4, I wish my problems were that easy.

[Mysterio]

Some couple have power plays. My friend who is a vegitarian could just take a say that the countertop leading to the sink is her space. Or just put a mat down and use various bowls and cutting mat that she takes out to make her food.

 

Sometimes people need to outsmart themselves.

 

Truthfully. I would say that at least 75% of us are going to me serial monogomist until we die. Then the other 25% of us are going to just have one partner and thats it.

 

For me the way my life has gone. Its like until I meet a woman that really wants to be with me romantically. I am going to be single. The women around me don't seem to be into FWB or One Night Stands. Thats the vibe I get. If the average male that is single wants to get laid. Its Hookers or have a GF.

[mark clemson]

The women around me don't seem to be into ...One Night Stands.

 

 

The way a ONS works, at least the few I've had, is that you meet at some evening event/situation and "hit it off" (ie, connect). You pair off together and get so giddy on the fun and hormones (and possibly booze, etc) and "charm" each other to the point where you both want sex and then you end up going to one of your homes and doing it.

 

There is the potential for this to be the start of a relationship. However, in the cold light of morning, one or the other or both of you backs away from this and just moves on instead. For example the "I don't do LTRs with women who sleep with you on the first date" mentality that some men have. So it just ends there.

 

I don't think you can directly say ONS to a woman. Even if she's totally planning on doing exactly that, drawing it into the open would make her fell weird ("slutty") about it. Plenty do it anyway, I think, they just don't come out and state it except to themselves perhaps.

 

So if you're looking to have a ONS, just go to things at night and try to "connect" well with a woman and see what happens from there. It's not something a man generally can plan on, but it can certainly happen, even regularly for some guys, if you put yourself into the right situations for it.

[Prudence V]

Do most romantic relationships fail?

 

Thankfully, yes - else everyone would land up marrying their primary school BF / GF.

 

Or are people in successful relationships more likely to not post<snip>

 

When I started out here, I posted mostly in the OW forum. Back then, if we posted anything positive, we’d be hounded by a core group of bitter BS posters who would caucus on another site and then dogpile on any OW/OM or WS who wasn’t doing the whole sack cloth and ashes vibe. I understand why - they were upset because of the way their own WS had treated them, and hated to see any OW / OM or WS being happy, as they took it as a personal affront and saw it as “gloating”. So happy posts were hounded out, and those people mostly left and started their own forum where they could post about the good as well as the bad in their R. Likewise with some of the BS - once they moved on, and stopped posting bitter rants about their and other WS and the OW / OM, they were also dogpiled by the bitter bunch because they weren’t toeing the line anymore. Luckily that other site got taken down, most of those people moved on and that dynamic hasn’t been allowed to fester here like it did back then.

 

But also, those of us who are happy, are mostly too busy enjoying our Rs to be hanging about here. And there’s only so much you can post about how wonderful things are before people start passing the sick bucket around...

[Mysterio]

No way am I bringing a woman from the bar back to my place. The only way I could even think of having a ONS would be a woman aquaintance from work or the gym.

 

Not in todays world. I just don't see women that thirsty for sex to have a ONS, when they can date and get a BF. Unless she is very unkept and has a hard time with men viewing her physically attractive.

[mark clemson]

Well, it doesn't have to be a bar per se. Any night time event such as a meetup, free concert, just anywhere you'd meet someone and socialize would work. Also some bars are classier than others, no?

[Timshel]

Also some bars are classier than others, no?

 

 

Sure, until Chanel comes off...some bars are classier than others.

[elaine567]

People usually come to a relationship forum as they are struggling, they are finding life difficult. They want advice and sympathy and understanding.

They are vulnerable and they want help, they want to find the root of their problem, they want to find a better path and they want solutions.

They may be sad, frustrated, bitter or angry or they may be feeling lost or hopeless.

They don't really want some person coming on here telling them how happy successful and uncomplicated their life is.

 

"Your life may be a mess, but look at me I am having a great time... me winner, you loser"

 

It is no wonder such "brags" get attacked, they are often inappropriate and unhelpful in a forum where so many are genuinely hurting.

A bit like visiting a hospital ward full of amputees and telling them all about how wonderful it is to have two legs...

"Sorry about the loss of your legs...Never mind cheer up, I am off for a run around the park, beautiful day for it.. ."

[gaius]

I've been around here for almost 10 years now and there used to be more happily married or coupled people who posted here on a regular basis. That had been through ups and downs but figured it out and found the situation that was right for them. Then stuck around anyway to post and interact for whatever reason.

 

This whole "you must be miserable to post here" attitude is new to me. But there's definitely been a decline in success stories in recent history, for whatever reason.