Where do I go from here?

[JPT0918]

Hello everybody,

 

 

i have a unique situation, which confuses the hell out of me.

 

I've been very close friends with a female friend for 4 years now. she was married 3 of those 4 years, but her husband left her July of last year. The divorce will be final early next month. I know it is really stressing her out.

 

Well things picked up between us starting in April of this year. We would go places, stay over night. Although there were no labels placed on our relationship, it was understood we were together in some way.

 

Okay, here's the confusing part. I would say about 6-8 weeks ago she had a serious breakdown when I refused to cancel my plans with my son to take her somewhere. I mean like a child throwing a tantrum. It took her a few days to calm down, which I'm thankful for because the following weekend we went on a big vacation and had the time of our lives. Did this spark some kind fear of abandonment or made her realize she placed too much reliance on me for all her needs.

 

Now following the trip, things started to change. She stopped spending weekends with me and would just spend time with me during the week. I should note we work together. So, I questioned her about the change of heart and she just stated she needs to be free and independent. she does not want to be controlled in any way. Either by family, work or me. I would also add her 39th birthday occurred during this time period. this seemed to accelerate her odd behavior. Possible start of a midlife crisis?

 

I've since learned she started dating a young kid (in his 20's). Partying etc. Possibly motivate by revenge or having more options other than me. She says she knows it won't last and doesn't really know what she wants. Just that she doesn't want to be told what to do. She does claim she is no longer seeing him, but I highly doubt she is telling me the truth.

 

She refuses to say anything about their relationship and says I'm just jealous. Initially I was. But once my emotions subsided I told her I want none of this and started to ween off of her. The problem is she won't allow me to. She is in may face either by text , skype or visiting my desk at work. She wants to continue as normal. She tells me she's not going to give up on us and will do whatever it takes to maintain the relationship. So, far she has been tru to her word. she seems to have a genuine fear of losing me.

 

She is still planning a trip for us in January to celebrate her approaching 40.I'm resistant to going. She said I just need my space and she will give me a few weeks to decide. Totally weird. she acts like its my problem. and if I end the relationship it's my choice.

 

I think in reality I'm just a back up plan for her. I've given her strong emotional support and the most amazing time of her life. so, she doesn't want to lose me. I'm perfect for her but not the right guy for her at this time. Ultimately, I'm committed to taking care of myself. I really enjoy her company and do think she will snap out of things once the infatuation where's off, but the idea of her being with someone else really turns me off. and it's causing me to shut down all feelings for her.

 

Has anybody ever been in a situation like this? How would you handle this to get her back full time? I mean is she worth it? Any advice out there would be appreciated.

 

 

Thanks.

Edited November 14, 2019 by JPT0918

[schlumpy]

That's a problem with a work place romance and a women who is vengeful.

 

I think you have the analysis right so the next step is what do you do?

You could keep her around and just use her like she's using you and that's an option if you don't mind she's having sex with whomever she picked up last night.

 

It all comes down to what you want. I don't think it matters what she wants. Let her be free and explore herself though other people. She's not marriage material, so if that was in your thoughts I think you should look elsewhere.

 

It might be very chilly around the workplace for awhile.

[vla1120]

The red flag that stuck out to me was the fact that she had a tantrum because you would not cancel plans with your SON. If she does not respect your relationship with your son, or expects you to choose her over him, that would be a done deal for me. Can she make your job difficult with vengeful behavior at work? I'd put a cap on this one. Let her have her midlife crisis at someone else's expense.

[JPT0918]

Thank you for your responses.

 

 

 

"It all comes down to what you want. I don't think it matters what she wants. Let her be free and explore herself though other people"

 

 

schlumpy - I agree this would be the best approach. Probably the best thing to do is taper down the relationship. I don't mean walk away but be less dependent on her. But how does one do that without appearing like I'm pouting or whining?

 

 

 

"The red flag that stuck out to me was the fact that she had a tantrum because you would not cancel plans with your SON."

 

 

Vla120 -YES!! This really hit me hard because she would not bend if she were in the same situation.

 

 

 

Let her have her midlife crisis at someone else's expense.

 

Regarding her midlife crisis. I tried to discuss this with her. She wanted none of it. Didn't want me to coach her, etc. She's out there right now. She did mention that she knew something is wrong with her and she doesn't know how to deal with it. But does not want any interference.

 

 

Lastly, I'm seeing a pattern here.. What I mean is she she is planning trips over the coming months. Maybe every 2 to 3 months. It seems her intent is to keep me in the picture and not wander from the relationship. I think this is her plan. Because she mentioned tonight she has a fear that she's dependent on me too.

 

 

This isn't something I want as long as there's someone else in the picture.

 

 

thanks for your time..

[schlumpy]

Tell her you don't want to be a member of her stable or Plan B, C, or D.

 

Make yourself less available and be busy when she calls. If she doesn't take the hint tell her straight up and then block her.

 

Let her learn to swim without her reassuring life preserver (which is you) nearby to cling to.

[2BGoodAgain]

she's a mess. she's recovering from her life with her ex still; not from her ex, but her prev life. she's 40 now and to some, that's the end of an era, as the saying goes. it's not true, obviously.

 

you were her rebound or her emotional support while she went from an identity in her relationship to well.. an individual. so your support was an immense help for her. it was also a crutch. She prob got scared b/c she realized she depended on you way too much and she wasn't ready to rely on another person again. 

 

the young guy was a fling, a moment to not feel the lonely pain of not having you around. an escape. that isn't love, that's just dependency. of course, you could just be a long term escape from reality.

 

I don't think she loves you; but she needs you. you fill that loneliness in her heart and help cope with the fear of the future; but you're right, she doesn't think you're the right person. But you are the person who helps her cope even months after her divorce.

 

I personally think you did a good thing, getting emotionally removed from her. But you need to end it. Not only for you, but for her own long term mental and emotional health. Having said that, I think you should do it mostly for you.

 

This will get messier before it gets better. And she needs to confront her demons and her fears so she can be anything but a mess. Someday, who knows, you two might have something more worthwhile, but not while she's in this state.

 

sometimes, the best thing to do as a friend... is to let your friend's pain become more than their fears, so they can commit to a change in their life.

 

good luck!

 

 

[Inspire]

Outside of the incident with your son, the GIANT red flag is the fact that she had the desire to go out and date someone else even if it was just casually. To make matters worse, this came at the tail end of where we are today. This says to me that she isn't very invested in you. Your take on the situation tells me that you're into her more then she is into you. It's likely you were there helping to fill a void for her. You got the dubious honor of providing all the intimacy she needed.

She doesn't see it as an issue because you two aren't together as a couple and her heart is not with you. The best example I could give you would be "she could love you, but isn't in love with you" ...