ex wife wants to meet GF

[rightondude]

I'll keep this quick...I told my ex about my GF due to the fact I'd like to introduce her to my kids. My ex asked to meet her and we're supposed to all meet tonight. Any words of advice? What kind of stuff do you think she'll ask? There's nothing I need to worry about necessarily, just wondering how this typically goes.

[Lisa_Lisa]

That depends, is your ex wanting to meet out of perceived jealously, knowing what kind of woman will be around her kids, wanting to size her up, or is genuinely interesting in getting to know her.....

 

 

I met my ex's children 7 months after becoming official and I didn't meet their mother till years later. I gave her a kiss on the cheek (as it is customary in Latino culture) and made small talk. We touched general topics, but for the most part just interacted with the kids or others.

 

 

But to be honest, women are a bit shady,,,,when it comes to their kids, she may find a flaw to exacerbate and say why she doesn't want her around your kids...just my two cents and my own experience.

 

 

Take it with a grain of salt

[vla1120]

I hope she's only wanting to meet because she wants to know who will be spending time with her children. I would meet in neutral territory. Are the kids going to be there? Maybe your ex just wants to see how she will interact with the kids. She may ask about your gf's experience with children. How does your gf feel about the meeting? Does she understand it's for the benefit of the children? When I first met my 1st husband's ex-wife, their daughter was three years old. She wanted to meet me to make sure I was okay to be around her daughter. I understood her concern and would have felt the same way as a mom. All went well, and even today, years after my divorce from that husband, she and I are still friends.

[schlumpy]

Will this work both ways? Do you get to interview her BF or have you already?

[Calmandfocused]

Sorry ROD I don’t think this is the right thing to do.

 

You are an adult and a father. To be frank: You decide when it’s time to introduce your children to your partner ( especially when the children are under your care) its none of your Ex wife’s business. Does your ex wife meet every single one of your friends, work colleagues, family members before you’re “allowed” to introduce your children to them? I suspect the answer is no.

 

Why does your ex wife want to meet your girlfriend? So she can maintain control? Well she doesn’t have the control when your children are with you - you do!

 

It’s not your ex wife’s decision. It’s yours. Yes she’s their mother but you are their father and you don’t need her approval.

 

Saying that you haven’t been seeing your girlfriend for long. Why the rush to introduce her to your children anyway?

[SumGuy]

Have to agree with Calmandfocused

 

I'd focus on preparing your girlfriend and being attune to how she sees this as it seems the plan to meet is already set.

 

Otherwise I'd never agree to this. A reasonable ex in my view would never ask for this so soon or at all, only ones with an agenda...it's a lose-lose situation for everyone except maybe your ex.

[Fluffkitty]

Sorry ROD I don’t think this is the right thing to do.

 

You are an adult and a father. To be frank: You decide when it’s time to introduce your children to your partner ( especially when the children are under your care) its none of your Ex wife’s business. Does your ex wife meet every single one of your friends, work colleagues, family members before you’re “allowed” to introduce your children to them? I suspect the answer is no.

 

Why does your ex wife want to meet your girlfriend? So she can maintain control? Well she doesn’t have the control when your children are with you - you do!

 

It’s not your ex wife’s decision. It’s yours. Yes she’s their mother but you are their father and you don’t need her approval.

 

Saying that you haven’t been seeing your girlfriend for long. Why the rush to introduce her to your children anyway?

100% disagree with this. The kids are what is important and if it were my kids, I would want to meet her and get a read on her. And it goes both ways, if she starts to date someone seriously, then OP should get to meet the boyfriend prior to him being introduced to the kids. The friends, co workers example doesn't fly here. Those people are transitory, this woman could possibly be spending a lot of time with the children, perhaps under the same roof if it becomes a long term relationship.

 

Bottom line, once you have children, you lose some ability to have "control" over decisions. You chose to make little humans with that person and that person gets to have a say in who their children are exposed to.

[RecentChange]

As a child a child of divorced parents who did a great job of co-parenting, I disagree with calmandfocused.

 

How long have you been with your GF? Are you two getting serious? Will she be spending weekends with you and the kids etc?

 

If this is a serious girlfriend, like may be step mom one day - I don't think that is anything like introducing the kids to a co-worker. Night and day difference.

 

Many times a parent's new love becomes another member of the family, someone who is a part of the kids lives.

 

I am guessing the GF isn't just some fling - otherwise why would you be introducing her to the kids?

 

I think it's reasonable for parents to meet people who will be interacting with their children - be it sitters, teachers or the lady that will be spending the weekend at home with them.

 

Coworkers don't do sleep overs right?

[preraph]

Do it out in public. Take them to a nonalcohol place to eat or for coffee or whatever, to minimize any chance of it getting ugly.

 

If she's still jealous or wanting you back or just good and mad or not wanting to share custody, she'll be looking for fault. Tell your gf to feel free to not answer any questions that are not her business.

 

If on the other hand, she will welcome one more person to help with the kids, maybe she'll be on good behavior. I assume she wants to see for herself that she's not drunk or drugged up (don't go anywhere any of you can drink! It could get out of hand.) And will probably judge her language, so hopefully your girlfriend will not cuss and pretend the kids are there listening. She'll judge how she dresses for sure. Don't let her wear anything revealing. Good luck.

[smackie9]

Be positive and pleasant. If anything keep the conversation going.

[greymatter]

I met my significant other’s ex-wife a few months into dating but well before we met each other’s kids. It was brief and perfectly friendly.

 

Edited to add: my ex-H met my SO after we were together for more than a year earlier this year when he picked us up from the airport. Again, no big deal. It facilitated me picking up my child after the trip and was easy and friendly.

Edited November 14, 2019 by greymatter

[rightondude]

don't have time to chat long but a) yes, it's serious, b) yes I want her to stay over and become a part of the kids' lives and c) whoops I scheduled it for the local bar & grill because I would be fine with everyone loosening up a little. I plan to start it off with a joke about how they both pull for the same school which is my team's rival. We'll see how it goes!

[Calmandfocused]

That’s ok, I accept that not everyone will share my opinion.

 

I have 2 boys age 8 and 6. They live with me and stay with their dad every other weekend. My ex does not dictate to me what I do with my boys and with whom, and neither I to him. I have to accept that my ex makes the decisions when my boys are with him and trust they are the right ones.

 

For the record a parent cannot control every single person that enters their children’s lives and that includes partners of the other parent.

 

And if RODS ex wife doesn’t like his girlfriend, what then? It could be opening up a whole messy can of worms.

 

ROD doesn’t make any reference to his girlfriend becoming the children’s stepmother. If that was to happen she would probably meet his ex wife in time, and in a natural progression.

 

Just my opinion.

[GoreSP]

Sorry ROD I don’t think this is the right thing to do.

 

You are an adult and a father. To be frank: You decide when it’s time to introduce your children to your partner ( especially when the children are under your care) its none of your Ex wife’s business. Does your ex wife meet every single one of your friends, work colleagues, family members before you’re “allowed” to introduce your children to them? I suspect the answer is no.

 

Why does your ex wife want to meet your girlfriend? So she can maintain control? Well she doesn’t have the control when your children are with you - you do!

 

It’s not your ex wife’s decision. It’s yours. Yes she’s their mother but you are their father and you don’t need her approval.

 

Saying that you haven’t been seeing your girlfriend for long. Why the rush to introduce her to your children anyway?

 

Well that's a sure way to have to hardest co-parenting ever. They are both parents, they both get a say.

 

As the new girlfriend, I would totally respect the mother for wanting to meet me before I meet her kids. Hell, I would do the same in her shoes. Getting into a relationship with someone who has kids comes with the ex.

 

As the ex, she should respect the new relationship and remain the ex/mother of the children.

 

as the «man in the middle» (for lack of a better term) keep the boundaries clear with the ex.

 

These things only work when everyone involved act like adults (except the children I guess lol)

[GoreSP]

don't have time to chat long but a) yes, it's serious, b) yes I want her to stay over and become a part of the kids' lives and c) whoops I scheduled it for the local bar & grill because I would be fine with everyone loosening up a little. I plan to start it off with a joke about how they both pull for the same school which is my team's rival. We'll see how it goes!

 

I like that! It will create something in common that they have and can tease you with.

[lurker74]

If the mother of the children wants to meet her, I think it's a good thing. I probably would have done it without the children around but that's not a big deal. However, I would definitely have kept it brief and not planned on a sit down meet. After about five minutes, what exactly are your ex and your GF supposed to talk about? Your ex doesn't get a say on who you get to date, so unless she's giving her sex tips, it should be brief with an eye toward reducing the awkwardness of times in the future when both your ex and your GF may be there (school events, and such).

[BaileyB]

Agree. Short meeting with no children.

 

Assuming that you stay together, the women can get to know each other a little more at sporting events, concerts, birthday parties.

 

Boundaries are really important in these situations. No boundaries means there is lots of opportunity for this to go off the rails...

[Timshel]

I think it's great that the two will meet! Any person spending a significant amount of time around my children I would want to meet. I meet my children's teachers, athletic coaches/events, their friends...etc...

When they were young, I would not have a person not vetted in either daycare or babysitter in care of my kids.

It's a formality, rightondude and you are handling it perfectly...just casual, no need for nervousness.

 

If she is serious with you, she'll be fine with your ex. Relax, they will probably (in time) become friends.

[preraph]

don't have time to chat long but a) yes, it's serious, b) yes I want her to stay over and become a part of the kids' lives and c) whoops I scheduled it for the local bar & grill because I would be fine with everyone loosening up a little. I plan to start it off with a joke about how they both pull for the same school which is my team's rival. We'll see how it goes!

 

No. You don't want anyone loosened up!!

[Gaeta]

I have always introduced my ex to my serious boyfriends, and my ex introduced me to his new gf who became his in-law wife later. We made it unofficial, one of those days he was picking up our daughter I invited him and her to come in. They invited me in as well each time I'd pick our daughter up. We were friendly to each other and her and I helped each other on different occasions with resumes and job hunting. I make a point of being at peace with everyone in my life.

 

One day my ex-husband was picking up our daughter while my new boyfriend was outside in the yard fixing my car starter. My ex-husband had never met him, he went to him, introduced himself and even asked if he needed a hand with the repair. When I looked out the window there they were my ex-husband and my current boyfriend fixing my car together. The words of this song came to my mind: Among all the things I've done wrong I must have done something right.

.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Seems to me it says a lot about you as a person that your ex and your gf are willing to meet.

 

Not sure what advice to give because there are so many variables. Each situation is different.

 

You idea about telling the joke about them both pulling for a team that's a rival to the one you pull for is indicative of your ability to put everyone at ease. I'd think it's all going to work out well.

 

I couldn't figure out if the kids will be there, also, or not. Maybe I missed something.

[Blind-Sided]

Well... PLEASE let use know what the final outcome was. I'm close to being in the same boat myself. The ex has a BF, and she tried to introduce him to my oldest a few weeks ago. (She just got more pissed at her mom) But my buddy in CYS told me to give him a name for a background check as soon as I know a real meeting was done.

[schlumpy]

But my buddy in CYS told me to give him a name for a background check as soon as I know a real meeting was done.

 

Very good move on your part.

[rightondude]

Well... PLEASE let use know what the final outcome was. I'm close to being in the same boat myself. The ex has a BF, and she tried to introduce him to my oldest a few weeks ago. (She just got more pissed at her mom) But my buddy in CYS told me to give him a name for a background check as soon as I know a real meeting was done.

 

Hey guys, it went as well as it could go. My ex seemed really emotional but my GF calmed her down by speaking mother to mother and letting my ex know we were all on the same team here. Total meeting time was about 30 minutes.

 

GF met my kids today and it went fantastic; they were really excited to meet her and are already asking "when am I going to marry her?" Now that threw me for a loop.

 

So I'd advise it; of course it depends on the relationship you have with your ex. If either party still holds any feelings for one another, I'd probably advise against it. But in our case it seems to have worked out great.

[john9999]

I cannot imagine anything good coming of this.