Now That I’m Getting What I Want... I’m Scared

[I Should Know Better]

I posted a thread back in July of the entire situation. The friendship went on for a year. It’s been physical since April. I separated from my husband in May, and back to my hometown where MM lives. I didn’t know what direction MM situation was going in. I just knew I was unhappy. We’ve fallen in love. He asked his W for a divorce. She moved out a month ago and got her own place but she doesn’t want a divorce. She’s financially dependent on him. He says he’s been unhappy for years. I know the feeling. He says he’s willing to pay her what she wants to get out of the marriage. He wants us to get divorced, rent his home, and move in with me. He wants us to “build together and have a successful future together”. I’m shocked ?. Deep down I love him and want to be with him forever. He just never told me his plans. He said he’s been holding it in.

 

Now that I’m getting what I want. Well that’s what it looks like. I’m scared. It’s this crazy? Too soon? Idk

[stillafool]

Well at least he's serious. He still did the right thing by moving forward with divorce and letting her go whether he is with you or not. He is no longer in love with her. Now it's your turn to start the process. What is the problem because you've said you are in love with MM and he's in love with you. Why make your husband suffer by staying with a woman who is in love with another man?

[elaine567]

It is definitely a bit of a rush.

Seems he was unhappy with his wife, he slotted you into her place, now he is getting a divorce and wants you and he to move into your place...

 

Why your place?

Has he seen the opportunity in you for an upgrade of his wife and his life maybe?

He has monkey branched.

[I Should Know Better]

Well at least he's serious. He still did the right thing by moving forward with divorce and letting her go whether he is with you or not. He is no longer in love with her. Now it's your turn to start the process. What is the problem because you've said you are in love with MM and he's in love with you. Why make your husband suffer by staying with a woman who is in love with another man?

 

I guess I’m just shocked. This is all moving fast and I want us to be sure of what we’re doing. My H has moved on too. We’re in separate cities. He’s not wearing his ring. I’m pretty sure he’s seeing someone else.

[BaileyB]

The whole thing would scare the crap out of me.

 

You haven’t known this man for very long. You’ve never truly “dated.” You have seen that he is capable of cheating on his partner and making impulsive decisions. What is there to worry about?

 

I hope it works out for you, but I would most definitely slow things down and do your due diligence before you get in too deep with this man. If it’s truly meant to be, slowing things down such that you both sort your respective lives and build your relationship in a normal/healthy way shouldn’t be a problem. If it is, that’s a BIG red flag.

[I Should Know Better]

It is definitely a bit of a rush.

Seems he was unhappy with his wife, he slotted you into her place, now he is getting a divorce and wants you and he to move into your place...

 

Why your place?

Has he seen the opportunity in you for an upgrade of his wife and his life maybe?

He has monkey branched.

 

I think he says my place because I just bought my house last month. I’m not moving out of my place. It’s also bigger. He makes more money than me. So not necessarily an upgrade in his lifestyle. But I’m not financial dependent like his W is. I’m able to support myself.

[preraph]

Getting through a divorce, the nuts and bolts of it will be hard on both of you, so wait until the dust settles and things are final and don't do anything rash.

 

While dividing up stuff, couples often get very sentimental remembering how they used to love each other and try again. Try to just relax and take care of your end of it and don't make what you do contingent on what he does. Only do what you would do if he wasn't even in the picture.

[I Should Know Better]

Getting through a divorce, the nuts and bolts of it will be hard on both of you, so wait until the dust settles and things are final and don't do anything rash.

 

While dividing up stuff, couples often get very sentimental remembering how they used to love each other and try again. Try to just relax and take care of your end of it and don't make what you do contingent on what he does. Only do what you would do if he wasn't even in the picture.

 

This is among the lines of what I was thinking. I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I do love him and don’t want it to look like, now he’s making moves to be with me I’m trying to run away.

[I Should Know Better]

The whole thing would scare the crap out of me.

 

You haven’t known this man for very long. You’ve never truly “dated.” You have seen that he is capable of cheating on his partner and making impulsive decisions. What is there to worry about?

 

I hope it works out for you, but I would most definitely slow things down and do your due diligence before you get in too deep with this man. If it’s truly meant to be, slowing things down such that you both sort your respective lives and build your relationship in a normal/healthy way shouldn’t be a problem. If it is, that’s a BIG red flag.

 

We’ve known each other for about two years. We do what couples do. Dates, trips, spend the night together. He’s doing all my household handy work, car handy work. He’s my boyfriend ??*♀️.

 

We’re both married and cheated. I can’t judge him for that.

 

But I was thinking we’re moving kinda fast. Maybe he doesn’t feel like it is since we’ve been doing this for a while.

[Starswillshine]

I would keep it to just dating. Moving in right away would not be a healthy relationship.

[BaileyB]

I’ve been in a similar position - minus the cheating. He had actually been separated for two years, was just signing divorce papers when we met. He ultimately decided it was not the right time as he had a lot to settle with his ex and he had to get his child settled into a new normal. We reconnected a year and a half later - to this day he says that we would not be together now if we had stayed together as he was finalizing the divorce. That’s my experience.

 

Do either of you have children?

 

Moving from his marital home to your home, all while settling a divorce, is not a healthy relationship. I’m sorry.

Edited November 14, 2019 by BaileyB

[S2B]

Well at least he’s willing to change things with the intent of being with you.

 

I’d wait on moving with him. He can wait. In the meantime have him do counseling with you - so he learns how to communicate better... “holding it in” isn’t a healthy form of communication.

 

 

Don’t count on anything permanent until the divorce is final.

[BaileyB]

I’ll ask you this - what do you stand to lose if you move too quickly and things don’t go well? And, what will you gain if you take the time to make sure this relationship has a solid foundation?

 

I agree with preraphs advice above, live your life and make your own decisions for the time being. She moved out only a month ago - give him time to settle his affairs and then you can look to the future.

[mark clemson]

Since you're in this situation now, just tell him yes, but let's take it a bit slow and go from there. If you and he both agree on the end goal there shouldn't be too much of an issue with how you get there.

 

It's too early to say for sure, but perhaps you will be one of the rare cases where the APs actually stay together.

[Beendaredonedat]

She moved out a month ago and got her own place but she doesn’t want a divorce. She’s financially dependent on him.

There's a red flag to all of this if I ever saw one.

 

You'd be smart to tell him that no one is moving in with anyone until you're BOTH divorced but you'd love to date him properly now and actually get to know him past stolen moments of lust.

[I Should Know Better]

I’ll ask you this - what do you stand to lose if you move too quickly and things don’t go well? And, what will you gain if you take the time to make sure this relationship has a solid foundation?

 

I agree with preraphs advice above, live your life and make your own decisions for the time being. She moved out only a month ago - give him time to settle his affairs and then you can look to the future.

 

I think he has more to lose than me. I’m not leaving my home. He wants divorces settled first, and then us live together. I’m thinking that will take a few months. I guess I need to clarify the timeframe with him. He just seemed like he’s so excited to be moving forward.

[I Should Know Better]

I’ve been in a similar position - minus the cheating. He had actually been separated for two years, was just signing divorce papers when we met. He ultimately decided it was not the right time as he had a lot to settle with his ex and he had to get his child settled into a new normal. We reconnected a year and a half later - to this day he says that we would not be together now if we had stayed together as he was finalizing the divorce. That’s my experience.

 

Do either of you have children?

 

Moving from his marital home to your home, all while settling a divorce, is not a healthy relationship. I’m sorry.

 

He wants us both to file. It looks like they’re agreeing without having to go before a judge. Just filing non contested paperwork. He thinks it won’t take much time. Idk. He has a teenage daughter but not with her.

[I Should Know Better]

Well at least he’s willing to change things with the intent of being with you.

 

I’d wait on moving with him. He can wait. In the meantime have him do counseling with you - so he learns how to communicate better... “holding it in” isn’t a healthy form of communication.

 

 

Don’t count on anything permanent until the divorce is final.

 

That’s a good idea. I’ve been going to counseling since I left my husband in May. Maybe he can attend sessions with me. My counselor knows the entire situation.

[preraph]

Always remember that he is very likely apt to sleep with her again if he's not still already because that's what happens before, during and after a breakup. And that means she could get pregnant. Anything could happen. So don't count on his side of things being a certain way. You take care of your own situation and move at the pace you would normally move doing that.

[I Should Know Better]

Since you're in this situation now, just tell him yes, but let's take it a bit slow and go from there. If you and he both agree on the end goal there shouldn't be too much of an issue with how you get there.

 

It's too early to say for sure, but perhaps you will be one of the rare cases where the APs actually stay together.

 

Thank you so much. I think this is the best advice. I want to be with him too. We just need to plan and calm down. I know Love makes you move fast sometimes.

[I Should Know Better]

Always remember that he is very likely apt to sleep with her again if he's not still already because that's what happens before, during and after a breakup. And that means she could get pregnant. Anything could happen. So don't count on his side of things being a certain way. You take care of your own situation and move at the pace you would normally move doing that.

 

He’s definitely keeping me in the loop. Showing me all the messages etc. but you’re right. That’s how breakups go sometimes. I hope he’s really done. I’m done with my H. So I hope that we can trust each other that we’re both ready to move completely on

[I Should Know Better]

There's a red flag to all of this if I ever saw one.

 

You'd be smart to tell him that no one is moving in with anyone until you're BOTH divorced but you'd love to date him properly now and actually get to know him past stolen moments of lust.

 

Yeah he wants us both to file for divorces asap. He says he’s at the point of giving her whatever payment she wants so she’ll sign the papers.

 

I don’t really see it as a lustful situation though. He’s my best friend. It’s deeper than that.

[elaine567]

I think you are correct to be scared.

You have a man who is pushing stuff forward, from the love bombing and the manipulative tactics in your last thread, to the railroading into premature commitment on this one, something just doesn't sit well with me.

 

You are very vulnerable atm and thus are the perfect victim for all sorts of toxic guys, narcissists, sociopaths and abusers... etc. They can smell the blood in the water...

 

This mirroring of lives, is something some abusive type guys do to get a woman on board.

 

I was bullied as a child, so was I,

I was never popular at school neither was I,

My marriage was never good, neither was mine,

My partner doesn't love me, neither does mine.... etc. etc.

 

You open up and he takes his cues from you.

You bond over adversity. Maybe it is all true, but maybe it isn't and is just a trick. It doesn't take a lot, they are usually very good at picking up clues, they target the sad woman, become her friend, her confidante, her lover...

Before she knows it, he starts taking over... which is kind of like what he has done here.

Your gut I guess is screaming, listen to it is my advice.

Edited November 14, 2019 by elaine567

[Beendaredonedat]

Yeah he wants us both to file for divorces asap. He says he’s at the point of giving her whatever payment she wants so she’ll sign the papers.

 

I don’t really see it as a lustful situation though. He’s my best friend. It’s deeper than that.

 

How so? Have you dated outside either homes, has he been spending copious amounts of time with you? Have the two of you suffered through the general trials and tribulation of life in general or has it just been the getting together for talks, sex and superficial emotional bonding? How well do you really know him other than as I've said, the lustful moments where life does not get in the way of that lust and bond? One thing you do know about him, he's a cheater. Yes?

 

Anyway, just some things to think about. I will say that most people that get with a married person have some form of fear of commitment with that person and now that it's looking closer to what you hoped for when you were in those stolen moments (that were safe), you are feeling that fear of commitment to him is my guess.

 

That's why I say date like a couple who are just getting to know one another, because frankly, you are now that he's left his wife that doesn't want to leave him. See how he is and how he handles a wife that will likely be doing her best to keep him in her life.

[I Should Know Better]

How so? Have you dated outside either homes, has he been spending copious amounts of time with you? Have the two of you suffered through the general trials and tribulation of life in general or has it just been the getting together for talks, sex and superficial emotional bonding? How well do you really know him other than as I've said, the lustful moments where life does not get in the way of that lust and bond? One thing you do know about him, he's a cheater. Yes?

 

Anyway, just some things to think about. I will say that most people that get with a married person have some form of fear of commitment with that person and now that it's looking closer to what you hoped for when you were in those stolen moments (that were safe), you are feeling that fear of commitment to him is my guess.

 

That's why I say date like a couple who are just getting to know one another, because frankly, you are now that he's left his wife that doesn't want to leave him. See how he is and how he handles a wife that will likely be doing her best to keep him in her life.

 

Yes we have dated outside each other’s home. We date weekly. We went on a vacation today. We spend a ridiculous amount of time together. He’s walked me through the steps on buying a new home. I’ve helped him with starting a side business. We are friends. We know each other. I don’t know how else to explain that it has nothing to do with sex. Sex is a big deal for us. It’s more emotional. I cheated too. I’m still married as well.

 

My fear is that we’re moving too fast off of emotion. Based on the comments, I’m guessing my gut is true and to tell him let’s take it slow.

 

But it has nothing to do with not really knowing him. Thanks for your advice.