Now That I’m Getting What I Want... I’m Scared

[BaileyB]

He says he’s at the point of giving her whatever payment she wants so she’ll sign the papers.

 

Do you not see this as a huge red flag?

 

If I may ask, you are now going to be his third serious relationship (and by that, I mean he has married, had a child, or loved with a woman). How did his first relationship end? Was he head over heels for wife #2 and willing to do anything to be with her? In situations like this, it’s important to look at patterns of behavior - because the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

 

And finally, do you know what the stats are that a third marriage will succeed? And, are you aware of what the stats are that a relationship that begins as an affair will actually succeed. Not saying that the stats are everything... but again, the odds are stacked against you so it would be wise to take your time and do everything you can to be sure before entangling yourself with this man...

[I Should Know Better]

Yes we have dated outside each other’s home. We date weekly. We went on a vacation today. We spend a ridiculous amount of time together. He’s walked me through the steps on buying a new home. I’ve helped him with starting a side business. We are friends. We know each other. I don’t know how else to explain that it has nothing to do with sex. Sex is a big deal for us. It’s more emotional. I cheated too. I’m still married as well.

 

My fear is that we’re moving too fast off of emotion. Based on the comments, I’m guessing my gut is true and to tell him let’s take it slow.

 

But it has nothing to do with not really knowing him. Thanks for your advice.

 

Sorry for the typo. We went for on a week long vacation. In public around ppl we know. Not a vacation today. And sex ISN’T a big deal for us.

[I Should Know Better]

Do you not see this as a huge red flag?

 

If I may ask, you are now going to be his third serious relationship (and by that, I mean he has married, had a child, or loved with a woman). How did his first relationship end? Was he head over heels for wife #2 and willing to do anything to be with her? In situations like this, it’s important to look at patterns of behavior - because the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

 

And finally, do you know what the stats are that a third marriage will succeed? And, are you aware of what the stats are that a relationship that begins as an affair will actually succeed. Not saying that the stats are everything... but again, the odds are stacked against you so it would be wise to take your time and do everything you can to be sure before entangling yourself with this man...

 

He had his daughter when he was young. It wasn’t a relationship. This is wife #1. He married so yes he loved her and thought it would work. As I loved my husband and thought it would work.

 

I’m not about to jump into another marriage. So not sure about statistics. That’s wayyyy to far ahead. I’m just on the relationship and possibly living together phase. But thanks for the advice.

[BaileyB]

But it has nothing to do with not really knowing him.

 

Having just read your previous thread, you were in communication with this man on social media for 10 months. You only met him in April of this year. You have actually only known this man in real life for six months.

 

With respect, you don’t know this man. Communicating with someone on social media is not dating or building a real life relationship. You haven’t lived the day to day stresses together, you don’t know what he is like when he’s sick, how he makes decisions, how he handles stress, you haven’t even had a Christmas together.

 

As Elaine says, it’s all there in your first post. He love bombed you. He encouraged you to divorce your husband. He stopped talking to you when you didn’t do as he wanted. He is manipulative, and you have played right into his hands... The fact that you mislead people by over-exaggerating how long you have known this man and not being entirely transparent about exactly how you came to know this man tells me that you know this is too fast. Your gut is telling you to be concerned, I too would advise you to listen.

 

You have children. It’s very irresponsible to even consider moving a man that you do not really know who has these many red flags into the same home as your children.

Edited November 15, 2019 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

Do you have a daughter OP? Have you considered the idea that it may not be you that he wants to live with, but your daughter?

 

Think it won’t happen? I hope not. But I would hate to be wrong and live with the fact that you brought this man into your home... Be very careful.

Edited November 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Beendaredonedat]

Having just read your previous thread, you were in communication with this man on social media for 10 months. You only met him in April of this year. You have actually only known this man in real life for six months.

 

With respect, you don’t know this man. Communicating with someone on social media is not dating or building a real life relationship. You haven’t lived the day to day stresses together, you don’t know what he is like when he’s sick, how he makes decisions, how he handles stress, you haven’t even had a Christmas together.

 

As Elaine says, it’s all there in your first post. He love bombed you. He encouraged you to divorce your husband. He stopped talking to you when you didn’t do as he wanted. He is manipulative, and you have played right into his hands... The fact that you mislead people by over-exaggerating how long you have known this man and not being entirely transparent about exactly how you came to know this man tells me that you know this is too fast. Your gut is telling you to be concerned, I too would advise you to listen.

 

You have children. It’s very irresponsible to even consider moving a man that you do not really know who has these many red flags into the same home as your children.

Thanks for providing the full story, Bailey. I've quoted the whole of your post because it's worth repeating so that Op and others can see that Op only knows this man in real life for a short six months.

[pepperbird]

Have you considered asking him to attend some relationship counseling with you? That way, you could address issues right from the start.

[DKT3]

Neither appears to have the stuff to maintain a healthy relationship so counseling is a must. Otherwise they will likely be cheating on each other before they are even divorced from thier spouses.

[spiritedaway2003]

I don't see any reason why he needs to move in so quickly right after divorce. That seems like a red flag. I would say hold off on moving in together and just date to see where it goes. I'm keenly reading all the advice here, as I am finding myself in a similar situation. If I were you, I wouldn't move in with him just yet. Slow things down a notch. Best of luck.

[FMW]

Slow your roll. Way down.

 

Enjoy dating, spending time together, including overnights and weekend trips if you want. But don't move in together.

 

If your relationship is meant to be you can revisit the living together question a year from now. For now you both have a lot of other things to deal with to bring your prior relationships to conclusion and transition to your new lives.

 

You've been a distraction for each other from unhappy relationships so everything seems extra good, extra important, extra meaningful right now. Don't make any big decisions based on those heightened emotions. Time will tell if they can be trusted.

[Allupinnit]

I find it rather silly to suggest caution regarding a relationship that has just busted up two families.