Widow

[Bluebill66]

Im in somewhat of a turmoil at the minute. I live alone with my son and daughter. 6 years ago i met a nice lady whose husband had died 6 years previously, so her husband has now been dead for 12 years. There has always been 2 events every year that i dread, that's the aniversary of his death and his birthday. During these periods she will be low, angry, argumentative and just not very nice to me. When these periods are over we talk at great length about the situation, unfortunately she just won't except that there is a problem. We've just returned from a few days in Ireland that clashed with his death, i mistakenly thought it would be good to get away at this time, you know break the circle etc. Well it was the worst ever !! I probably should of walked a few years ago but love her to bits and want to make it work, however, i guess the Ireland trip was a real wake up and smell the coffee moment. It pretty much tears me up, lack of sleep no appetite. Don't get me wrong those dates are important and loved ones should be remembered but remembered without suffering to others. Ive suggested bereavement counseling but she completely dismisses this. I really do think it's time for me to move on, I'm 49 and cant cope with it anymore. Any advice appreciated,

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Did he die in a traumatic way?

 

I think you have every right to feel the way you're feeling .

[Bluebill66]

Did he die in a traumatic way?

 

I think you have every right to feel the way you're feeling .

 

Thanks, no died after a long illness. What's pretty much got to me now, although only recently, is being consumed with jealousy over a dead man !! How insane is that !

[mark clemson]

IDuring these periods she will be low, angry, argumentative and just not very nice to me. When these periods are over we talk at great length about the situation, unfortunately she just won't except that there is a problem. ... Any advice appreciated

 

 

Are you sure there isn't more to it than this? If these are the ONLY two times she is difficult, that actually sounds pretty good to me. You can just find ways to dodge her for a week around those times - let her process the issue on her own since it appears all she is doing with you is venting/taking it out on you.

 

Or is there more to this? Is she actually cold or nasty more than this and it's just at it's worst at those times?

 

Or does her inconsistent behavior and "strong/sudden turnaround" make it difficult to feel like you can fully trust her, perhaps?

[Timshel]

I am a widow who has remarried. My late husband passed nearly seven yrs. ago and I have been with my husband for nearly five yrs. My husband certainly understands my loss, but I did not marry him a minute before I could love him completely.

If your wife refuses grief counseling, which she does need, then you are indeed being asked too much.

I would suggest to her that you attend marital counseling together and not withhold that you are contemplating divorce. Tell her plainly how this is affecting your marriage.

[Foxhall]

Pity you did not have a better time on my shores

 

Overall I tend to disagree however with the theme of your post

 

I think it is nice that the deceased are remembered, this man was unfortunate not to get the chance to live a full life but at least his wife continuing to grief him twice a year is a mark of respect to which he deserves

 

Perhaps embrace her sorrow at this time and join her in remembering her previous partner who was a significant part of her life.

[Bluebill66]

Are you sure there isn't more to it than this? If these are the ONLY two times she is difficult, that actually sounds pretty good to me. You can just find ways to dodge her for a week around those times - let her process the issue on her own since it appears all she is doing with you is venting/taking it out on you.

 

Or is there more to this? Is she actually cold or nasty more than this and it's just at it's worst at those times?

 

Or does her inconsistent behavior and "strong/sudden turnaround" make it difficult to feel like you can fully trust her, perhaps?

 

To be fair, she is quite a cold person, certainly since I've known her. I'm completely the opposite. I guess how i feel is that over the years her feelings should of calmed down as i have filled a void ? Guess that's why ive hung around this long, in the hope that the situation would improve and it hasn't, in any way. Were not married.

[Bluebill66]

Pity you did not have a better time on my shores

 

Overall I tend to disagree however with the theme of your post

 

I think it is nice that the deceased are remembered, this man was unfortunate not to get the chance to live a full life but at least his wife continuing to grief him twice a year is a mark of respect to which he deserves

 

Perhaps embrace her sorrow at this time and join her in remembering her previous partner who was a significant part of her life.

 

Fully agree the departed loved ones should be remembered but not at the expense of your current partners happiness, these episodes go on for weeks, i can understand a couple of days.

[Bluebill66]

I am a widow who has remarried. My late husband passed nearly seven yrs. ago and I have been with my husband for nearly five yrs. My husband certainly understands my loss, but I did not marry him a minute before I could love him completely.

If your wife refuses grief counseling, which she does need, then you are indeed being asked too much.

I would suggest to her that you attend marital counseling together and not withhold that you are contemplating divorce. Tell her plainly how this is affecting your marriage.

 

Sorry should of made it clearer we are not married.

[Timshel]

Sorry, delete married from my post. I think she is showing you that she is not ready to move forward.

 

Since there is no long term commitment made between the two of you, it's best to step away then.

I'm sorry for both of you but both of you will have better days.

[Mrin]

Are you sure there isn't more to it than this? If these are the ONLY two times she is difficult, that actually sounds pretty good to me. You can just find ways to dodge her for a week around those times - let her process the issue on her own since it appears all she is doing with you is venting/taking it out on you.

 

I know right? I would love it if I could mark on the calendar the two times of year my woman is going to be in a ****ty mood. That would be awesome!

 

Also - OP: it's hard to tell what has you wrapped around the axle. is it because she's in a bad mood and takes it out on you? If so that's something that she needs to address or that you would address with her together. Or is it because you are jealous of a dead man. if that's the case then that's something you need to deal with and I would suggest counseling.

[major_merrick]

I get that you are disappointed. Reality has not matched your expectations. Living with someone who has a chronic grief issue takes patience and caring. Not everybody is cut out for it. My husband's ex-wife actually said something to him like "I expected you to get better and it didn't happen.":sick: There are people who just don't recover. My husband is one of them. His first love died many years ago. I was her friend too, so I understand the loss. You just have to be aware that certain dates, certain topics, and even themes in movies or music can be emotionally dangerous.

 

My husband's wife #4 was widowed young. My husband and her husband were close friends. It took a long time after, but they eventually got together and my husband is like a father to her three kids. When the bad dates come up, they mourn together. You just get used to it, because you care about your partner and you don't expect to fix them. Counseling and time can help, but you don't expect a fix.

 

Me - I can handle the crazy. I call my family the "basket of broken things" because each of us has those bad dates, old injuries, and emotional sore spots. On our own, none of us are totally functional. Together we can get through it. Perhaps you don't feel the same way about your partner, or perhaps her issues make your issues worse. Look at it from the perspective of how you can help rather then when she will get better. Then you can make your choice to stay or go.

[mark clemson]

To be fair, she is quite a cold person, certainly since I've known her. I'm completely the opposite.

 

 

Isn't this the real issue then? I think you need to decide if you can stay with her based on that. It sounds like you're leaning against it.

 

If she was warmer/better matched for you, the difficult personality limited to just these times of morning would be no big deal in the scheme of your lives together. It's that it's on top of low overall compatibility that it's the "straw that's breaking the camel's back", no?

 

Perhaps you just don't want to be alone?

 

I think what MM said about chronic grief is interesting. Perhaps she has this, but is not really aware that's what it is?

[mark clemson]

...if I could mark on the calendar the two times of year my woman is going to be in a ****ty mood. That would be awesome!

 

 

I suspect most people (men and women) wish for that at least some of the time.

[Bluebill66]

Isn't this the real issue then? I think you need to decide if you can stay with her based on that. It sounds like you're leaning against it.

 

If she was warmer/better matched for you, the difficult personality limited to just these times of morning would be no big deal in the scheme of your lives together. It's that it's on top of low overall compatibility that it's the "straw that's breaking the camel's back", no?

 

Perhaps you just don't want to be alone?

 

I think what MM said about chronic grief is interesting. Perhaps she has this, but is not really aware that's what it is?

 

That definitely makes sense Mark and it's something that i have felt for a long time, if she was less cold to me and more loving then the grief issue would not be magnified in the way it does. Oh and you've nailed it on being alone, sometimes you have to make the big leap for your own good and state of mind but that's scary.

[schlumpy]

As I read it you have 3 choices. You can (as FoxHall mentioned) take a part in the remembrance if she will allow that. You are a better man then I am if you can tolerate that.

 

You can hit the road which seems to be the way you leaning. It does sound as if you are worn out.

 

The last choice is to go on vacation the week of her late husbands birthday and the week of his death and carry on as if normal the rest of the year.

 

The last choice may end up with separation anyway depending on what her motivations are for pushing you away at these times. Who knows how she will read it.

 

I have to vote for hitting the road. It feels to me that she's been holding you at arms length this whole time and after this long, I don't see that changing.

 

I don't know if she will miss you or just blame God for once again cheating her.

[major_merrick]

That definitely makes sense Mark and it's something that i have felt for a long time, if she was less cold to me and more loving then the grief issue would not be magnified in the way it does.

It definitely sucks that you've been together for several years and she still doesn't act like she loves you. I wonder if that is because she can't due to her grief, or because she was never very affectionate to begin with?

 

 

Sometimes, you have to teach your partner how to express love. It may not happen naturally. I know that Wife #1 had to work on my husband. After a death, a breakup, and a divorce he had some issues when they married early on. She had to tell him and show him what made her feel loved, since she is an intensely affectionate person. My GF#1 had to do something similar with me, since I don't come from an affectionate culture or background.

 

Since you are a man dealing with a woman, you may also have a communication mismatch. Men seldom phrase things in terms of emotions, whereas most women respond to emotion-related terms. Tell her how you feel, describe it and illustrate it. Tell her how much you love her, but express that you don't feel it in return. In a non-accusing way, describe the pain. If you have a female friend or relative, maybe practice beforehand what you will say.

[Bluebill66]

Thanks for the advice so far guys, had a chat with her brother yesterday, his reaction was if it's that bad he would of gone after a few years, at the most. He said he would of had the same feelings about being compared to the deceased ex and wondering why she can't let go with a decent guy on the scene. I guess as guys we take a less emotional view on things and more of a black and white approach. Being more than aware of this, I've factored this in over the years.... The mars/venus conundrum. However, I guess it's finally beat me, I can't keep waking up constantly through the night questioning why I'm not filing his shoes and feelings of low esteem.

[Bluebill66]

As I read it you have 3 choices. You can (as FoxHall mentioned) take a part in the remembrance if she will allow that. You are a better man then I am if you can tolerate that.

 

You can hit the road which seems to be the way you leaning. It does sound as if you are worn out.

 

The last choice is to go on vacation the week of her late husbands birthday and the week of his death and carry on as if normal the rest of the year.

 

The last choice may end up with separation anyway depending on what her motivations are for pushing you away at these times. Who knows how she will read it.

 

I have to vote for hitting the road. It feels to me that she's been holding you at arms length this whole time and after this long, I don't see that changing.

 

I don't know if she will miss you or just blame God for once again cheating her.

 

Thanks dude, option 1 is a definate no, sadly option 2 is more likely, option 3 we tried in Ireland, didn't go well.