Torn over no contact

[backfired]

Hi everyone,

 

Just looking for opinions. My ex and I broke up a week ago. I handled the breakup quite well, said OK, helped her get her things and watched her leave. The next day I sent an apology, saying she was giving clear signs of needing space and that I did the opposite of what I should have and suffocated her. She responded and said we are in different points of our lives, we can still be friends, and you can still come on the trip we had plan for the weekend but I doubt you want to. I responded with "Yea hard pass," and initiated no contact ever since.

 

As a bit of history of our relationship, everything was great, up until I took a severe confidence hit because something was wrong down there. I told her about it and she said she'd be there no matter what, and I was severely concerned about a life long STD (instead prostatits but it took a huge toll on my mental health bc my penis!). This hit on my confidence caused me to start getting a little needy and insecure, I felt like I would never find anybody else if she would leave, so I started being super nice and treating her like she was the center of my life.

 

She started getting distant. I panicked. She texted less, wanted to hang out less, I got worried and wondered and confronted her. Then I wondered what she was doing while I wasn't around. I didn't give her any space. The tipping point happened when I caught her turning off her snap maps when she went to hang out with some friends she met at work (whom she never told she had a bf and all are guys). While I still don't understand why she did this, I lost it and almost broke up with her. She cried, and asked why, and we argued about it and I told her how I felt. She probably felt like she was being controlled and I didn't even realize it. I tried so hard not to control this girl our entire relationship. She talks to guys all the time and I even told her that's not what I ever want to do. But simply put, I made a tiny tiny tiny mistake that I could never take back.

 

Shortly after this event, she came over after work, said she needed space, and broke up with me. I have been in no contact for about a week, I haven't begged, I haven't pleaded, I've reflected on what I believe happened and realized that if I truly loved this person I would have allowed her to do whatever the hell she wants with the people she wants and that I back all her decisions (besides cheating). I also should have focused more on myself instead of JUST her.

 

Anyways, I'm at a cross roads. I have accepted the breakup. It sucks, but that relationship is gone, and it should always be gone because it was done completely wrong. She has the trip this weekend, I fully intend on giving her all the space she needs the entire time, but I am considering if I should reach out sometime next week and at least try.

 

What I mean by try is that I want to show her who I am. I think the fact that I didn't beg speaks volumes, most guys can't handle a break up, but I took it like a CHAMP. I would simply reach out with a joke, if she responds chit chat a text or two, and then see if shes cool with grabbing a coffee. During the meet, I would walk in with confidence, treat her with respect, make her laugh, and very very briefly tell her I made a mistake. "A man does not revolve his life around a woman, I know that now. I made a mistake, everybody does." And then proceed with respect, humor, and tell her good bye.

 

I just don't see that going into indefinite no contact is going to help me. She won't come back to some guy who tried controlling her life. It just won't happen. This is in my opinion the best shot to try and SHOW her that I know the mistakes I've made, those mistakes are gone. Forever. Until she feels like she is ready to contact me.

 

Anyways, there are so many variables... such as her responding or if she left me for another man (which honestly I don't care, dude is guaranteed not better than me, IM AWESOME). I'm just pissed that I let my insecurities get the best of me. It was literally such bad luck for it to happen the way it did and if meeting her, showing her, respecting her, and walking away with confidence, pride, and no emotion doesn't re-attract her. Then no contact never have will.

Edited November 14, 2019 by backfired

[GeorgiaPeach1]

It's been ONE week. Even if you have changed that fast, she will not believe it.

 

It usually takes months, if not years, of full No Contact for it to be potentially effective--even then it's not set in stone that she'll want to get back together.

 

Good job not begging. Right now you need to focus on yourself and make improvements.

[backfired]

Thats the thing though. I'm not asking for her back. Just giving her a glimpse of myself and how I took the breakup followed with walking away to let her decide.

 

I will also say I am not most people, and I'm not out here trying to count how many days of no contact I've been in. I made a mistake. I have changed my outlook on relationships and how they work. I was WRONG. And if she doesn't believe that then I don't want her anyways.

 

Are my chances slim? Yes. But I sure as hell aint walking away with my tail between my legs and never talking to her again. I'ma show her what a man looks like and no matter what she'll be like damn that guy took the break up like a champ. If she texts me, I'll keep it short and arrange another meetup. If she says no, I'll say "Ok, well im a bit busy so I have to go. Let me know if you change your mind." I will never text her first and I won't let her friend zone me.

 

The only thing I will admit is that I am disappointed with the current outcome. I'm disappointed that it took the break up to actually see what the hell is going on. I'm disappointed she didn't communicate (do they actually even know?) But I cannot walk away feeling hopeless and without a single attempt. The only way to prevent that is to show her instead of praying that she'll think that I've changed or hope that she can't find better (she can't ). I don't want that anyways. The breakup wasn't that bad, and honestly seemed more like a rash decision than anything.

 

So we will see, I'm giving it a shot.

Edited November 14, 2019 by backfired

[backfired]

Honestly what is better:

 

The last memory of me letting her walk out?

 

Or a memory that this dude seems extremely emotionally strong, willing to learn, is open to whatever happens happens?

[ExpatInItaly]

The last memory isn't as important as you think it is, OP. It's not what she's focusing on, and it's not what would keep her away or bring her back.

[rjc149]

She won't come back to some guy who tried controlling her life. .

 

Nope, she surely won't if he's still trying to control her life or the situation. You're walking, so you have to stay walking. Stay in NC. It will take months to undo that neediness and insecurity.

 

 

But I sure as hell aint walking away with my tail between my legs and never talking to her again. I'ma show her what a man looks like and no matter what she'll be like damn that guy took the break up like a champ. If she texts me, I'll keep it short and arrange another meetup. If she says no, I'll say "Ok, well im a bit busy so I have to go. Let me know if you change your mind." I will never text her first and I won't let her friend zone me.

 

Sounds to me like you've got this handled bro. Keep doing what you're doing. A man who is willing to follow through and walk away forever is very sexy to women. Not many men can be that strong.

[preraph]

You continuing to contact her despite her breaking up is the same as not being respectful, not giving her space, not accepting you're broken up. Basically you're going to try to fake being secure and not clingy to try to fool her into taking you back. She already knows how it goes with you. You can't possibly have changed already. You may have good intentions, but once you get back in, the same emotional triggers will trip your insecurity again. So don't fool yourself.

[d0nnivain]

Back off. If you are really insistent on trying again some time in the middle of December send her good wishes for the holiday season. I doubt she'll care but at least at that point you can say you tried.

[backfired]

You continuing to contact her despite her breaking up is the same as not being respectful, not giving her space, not accepting you're broken up. Basically you're going to try to fake being secure and not clingy to try to fool her into taking you back. She already knows how it goes with you. You can't possibly have changed already. You may have good intentions, but once you get back in, the same emotional triggers will trip your insecurity again. So don't fool yourself.

I respectfully disagree. My 'insecurities' and 'neediness' were direct results of what we are brought up to believe a relationship should look like (and what women ask for). I thought "oh I need to make sure I give this girl 100% my all", and when she started distancing herself because it was too much, I had no clue what was happening, and assumed cheating because that's what it seemed like.

 

She thinks I'm insecure and needy, and it is extremely disappointing because I had no clue what the hell was actually going on until it ended.

 

You all are probably right. It's more than likely a lost cause, but I'll take my chances because otherwise THERE IS 0 CHANCE.

[backfired]

Hell with it. You guys are right. I probably dodged a bullet with this chick anyways. Hanging out with dudes without bringing it up and then turning off her location. I’m going to venture a guess that it is pretty likely she was emotionally cheating and she didn’t tell them she had a bf because she wanted to do it.

 

I’m going to walk away. Thanks all!

[d0nnivain]

Hell with it. You guys are right. I probably dodged a bullet with this chick anyways. Hanging out with dudes without bringing it up and then turning off her location. I’m going to venture a guess that it is pretty likely she was emotionally cheating and she didn’t tell them she had a bf because she wanted to do it.

 

I’m going to walk away. Thanks all!

 

I'm glad you are giving up but seriously, she's not obligated to keep her locator on. You were her BF, not her dad or jailer. You are not entitled to know where she is all the time.

[backfired]

I agree. I hated that she had it on. I wish she didn’t. But when you go hang out with guys that ask you out on dates and don’t know you have a boyfriend, Then turn off your locator like youre some super genius, I have a problem with that.

 

It’s all good. I’m impressed I was able to put up with it so long! My previous girlfriend I never let to talk to any guys. It felt terrible controlling her and i promised myself I’d never allow myself to do it again. I’ve taken a major step and I’m extremely close to understanding the dynamic of relationships but I just don’t think most women do.

 

I feel like it’s all a fluke. Like I gotta make sure I don’t do too much or they’ll run away. Do to little or they’ll cry for attention and then I’ll run away. What’s the point? Why even deal with the suffering, it’s really not worth it at the end of the day. Just a huge mess waiting to happen.

[Highndry]

...I fully intend on giving her all the space she needs the entire time, but I am considering if I should reach out sometime next week and at least try.

 

What I mean by try is that I want to show her who I am. I think the fact that I didn't beg speaks volumes, most guys can't handle a break up, but I took it like a CHAMP. I would simply reach out with a joke, if she responds chit chat a text or two, and then see if shes cool with grabbing a coffee. During the meet, I would walk in with confidence, treat her with respect, make her laugh, and very very briefly tell her I made a mistake. "A man does not revolve his life around a woman, I know that now. I made a mistake, everybody does." And then proceed with respect, humor, and tell her good bye...

 

 

LOLZ. First and foremost you need to stop with the acting. This is straight out of some bad sitcom. Next, I don't know what sort of distorted reality you're living in, but "most guys can't handle a break up" couldn't be further from the truth. I really don't know where you come up with this.

 

Snap out of it and move on. Period. A woman who breaks up with you is done. And the fact that she was turning her location off is a major red flag, as is you watching her location all the time.

[preraph]

I think you might be able to avoid the "too much" or "too little" pitfalls by simply communicating early on in the relationship, maybe right when you ask to be exclusive, and actually just ask the woman how much space she needs, how much time and attention she needs, because it is true, we are all different.

 

But at the same time, you also need to find one that isn't TOO far off from your natural inclination and your own needs. So if you're somewhere in the middle, find someone somewhere in the middle (that is the healthiest place because people got to work!). If you like a lot (sounds like it since you were tracking her), then I think that is too much, but you need to find someone who is reasonably willing to be with you a lot, though not willing to be tracked by you.

 

I think I can assume you do not like a lot of space, so a woman who does probably isn't for you.

[d0nnivain]

But when you go hang out with guys that ask you out on dates and don’t know you have a boyfriend, Then turn off your locator like youre some super genius, I have a problem with that.

 

It’s all good. I’m impressed I was able to put up with it so long! My previous girlfriend I never let to talk to any guys. It felt terrible controlling her and i promised myself I’d never allow myself to do it again. I’ve taken a major step and I’m extremely close to understanding the dynamic of relationships but I just don’t think most women do.

 

I feel like it’s all a fluke. Like I gotta make sure I don’t do too much or they’ll run away. Do to little or they’ll cry for attention and then I’ll run away. What’s the point? Why even deal with the suffering, it’s really not worth it at the end of the day. Just a huge mess waiting to happen.

 

That is ridiculous that she was hanging out with guys who showed interest in her, who didn't know about you & that is what she chose to turn off her locator. I can see why you were upset.

 

In life you need balance. You can't tell a SO that they can never speak to members of the opposite sex but when their behavior crosses lines & veers into inappropriate you are not required to put up with it.

 

Do take some time out to sort yourself, consider who you are as a person, what your values are & what you want in a partner. When you are ready seek out love again. A good, healthy balanced relationship is a blessing.