Annamarie1 Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 Hi, I am 20 years old and i am in love with a guy. This is my first relationship and i love him more than everything. He does as well, at least he says so. I have met his family and they all appreciate, love me and very kind. The thing is that we fight and argue often and when we do he gets really angry and starts offending me on the worst way possible and shouts theough the phone. He has always had trust issues on me even though he is my first, he says that i'm a ***** and i bring darkness into his life, i destory his happines etc. He has seen me crying many times because of this but doesn't try to change any thing on the way he talks to me. Anyway I'm always the one who does everything to be together... He sometimes apologises, sometimes is very romantic on what he says but still sometimes i feel so unworthy. I want to move on but i can't. I don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 I think you need to value yourself more. If you did, you'd dump this chump in a red-hot nanosecond. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 This is not love. He is verbally and emotionally abusive toward you. And yes, if you valued yourself you would never tolerate this kind of behavior from a man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 I want to move on but i can't. Why can't you? What could possibly be stopping you from leaving a verbally abusive ass that will likely start striking you in the future. I don't know what to do. How so? Do you not have a voice to say, "this is over, we are not compatible?" Do you live with him and are financially reliant on him? Do you not have friends and family that can help you to get away from him and keep you away? Can you not get therapy to help you with your confidence, self-esteem and love of self? What do you mean you "can't" leave him and "you don't know what to do?" What are your circumstances? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 Darling, you need to talk to someone. Find yourself a friend, a parent, a counsellor, or call a domestic abuse hotline to get some support. You need to end this relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 You should do some internet research on "codependency". If he switches rapidly from being very loving and into you to the negatives you describe in your post, he may have a personality disorder or tendencies of one. That is not something you should try to fix. He will need to seek help for it in his own time. In the meantime, you should probably stay away from him. Despite how you feel, people like this can really mess up your life and your self-esteem. Particularly if you become used to this kind of treatment and begin to think that it's normal. A fight once in a while is normal, but that's not what this is. You could be setting on a path to years of misery. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Annamarie1 Posted November 14, 2019 Author Share Posted November 14, 2019 Why can't you? What could possibly be stopping you from leaving a verbally abusive ass that will likely start striking you in the future. How so? Do you not have a voice to say, "this is over, we are not compatible?" Do you live with him and are financially reliant on him? Do you not have friends and family that can help you to get away from him and keep you away? Can you not get therapy to help you with your confidence, self-esteem and love of self? What do you mean you "can't" leave him and "you don't know what to do?" What are your circumstances? I am not reliant on him, neither is he. We don't live together. It is just because i love him and on the first 4 months everything was so different, he was lovely, romantic, everybody knew that he was in love with me, he did everything for me and was actually proud to be with me. Everyone who knew us could tell. Actually we know each other for more than 2 years even though we have been for 8-9 months together and he has never been like that. I miss the old "him" and hope to find him again someday. I know it is wrong, i know i should value myself more and i should move on, but i find it so hard to be done. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 Please don't place any significance on his apologies when he makes them. An apology only has meaning if it's followed by a change in behaviour. Without change, the apology is just empty words. Speak to your best friend or parents. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 The novelty has worn off for him That's the way it can go Don't worry about it sweetie, Work on building up a circle of girlfriends that will guide you on the romantic front. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 Lots of people say awful things in a fight. If he yelled something like "I don't love you anymore" I'd advise you to take that with a grain of salt; even if said "I hate you" again that is phrase people say but don't mean. Calling you a W**** is way out of line however. All the apologies in the world don't over come that, especially if it was said more then once. You are new to relationships & love. When they are good it's wonderful, life is grand. It's magical & you are on top of the world. However, good behavior in the beginning when everybody is on their best behavior does not over come present bad behavior like what is being exhibited by your guy. you are hanging on to the past romance when it was all new & wonderful. You are refusing to see the reality of who he really is because you prefer the fantasy of when he was well behaved. Stick around at your own peril. He will suck out all of your self esteem & ruin your ability to understand real happiness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 They're ALL acting like they're perfect the first few months because they don't even know you and you don't know them and they want to win you. That's not the real person, though. The longer you know someone, the more you know who the real person is, and you are just finding out this guy is not a keeper because he is verbally abusive and insulting and trying to hurt you. You love who you HOPED he was before you started finding out who he really is. That other guy is gone, G-O-N-E. He was just faking good behavior because you can't act like a jerk out of the box and expect any women to keep you. This isn't love. You may be in love with love or in love with who you hoped he was, but he's not that guy, so the sooner you get him out of your life, the better. It will only get worse. Your love will not fix him. No one will fix him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 Lots of people say awful things in a fight. If he yelled something like "I don't love you anymore" I'd advise you to take that with a grain of salt; even if said "I hate you" again that is phrase people say but don't mean. Even this isn't acceptable to many of us. If my partner had a habit of saying awful things in a fight, he wouldn't be a partner. Work out what is acceptable to you and don't accept less. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 (edited) I am not reliant on him, neither is he. We don't live together. It is just because i love him and on the first 4 months everything was so different, he was lovely, romantic, everybody knew that he was in love with me, he did everything for me and was actually proud to be with me. Everyone who knew us could tell. Actually we know each other for more than 2 years even though we have been for 8-9 months together and he has never been like that. I miss the old "him" and hope to find him again someday. I know it is wrong, i know i should value myself more and i should move on, but i find it so hard to be done. Well of course it won't be easy because you've become attached to him like he's some drug and you're afraid to quit because you can't take the withdrawl period . however... If you stay with him you are telling him that its perfectly fine to treat you like crap because you stay and accept it. He has zero reason to change as long as you stay and enable his abuse. Leaving at least would make him have to suffer the consequences of his deplorable actions and that may (or may not) at least give him an opportunity to improve. Even if he tells you he won't do it again after you leave him, you'd be foolish to go back to him without him first getting anger management sessions and some personal therapy so he can delve into why he is such a bully. I'll add as well that if nothing else, please get yourself into therapy so you can get help to figure out why you accept such treatment of yourself. ~ Said with your best interests in mind, not maliciously at all, Annamarie. Edited November 14, 2019 by Beendaredonedat 2 Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted November 15, 2019 Share Posted November 15, 2019 This is your first relationship, so you have nothing to compare it against. I understand you still have strong feelings for him, but you need to back yourself a little better and think about the big picture - do you want to be with someone who doesn't love you the same way you love them? It's obvious that he doesn't feel the same way about you - his insults and lack of empathy make that obvious. You know the cards you've been dealt - it's time to do the best you can for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted November 15, 2019 Share Posted November 15, 2019 (edited) This is abuse. Here's the thing. Abusers do not abuse all the time - why would anyone be with them? Instead they flip from hot to cold. They go from lovable and adoring, to mean and nasty - and then they go sweet again to pull you back in after they abused you. Rinse and repeat. Over and over until often the bad behavior escalates. And the other thing? I don't believe that abusers are "bad" people, but they are broken people. He probably learned this behavior from a parent. He probably regrets that he doesn't have emotional control and lashes out at you. He either doesn't love you - because when you love someone, you don't say nasty hurtful things to them (because hurting the one you love hurts you even more)... Or he doesn't love you because he has a deep hate for himself - and lashes out at you because he isn't capable of true love - he is distorted. What is REALLY concerning is that this is your first relationship. Whether we like it or not, our early relationships often set the stage for future relationships. GET OUT NOW before you set yourself up for a life time of abusive relationships. You need to understand that this isn't what love looks like. You need to love yourself to never accept being treated this way. You need to learn to have boundaries and enforce them - he keeps doing this to you because you allow him to treat you like this. Are your mother and father in your life? How did they treat you? How would they feel if they heard how your boy friend is treating you? Edited November 15, 2019 by RecentChange 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 15, 2019 Share Posted November 15, 2019 I am not reliant on him, neither is he. We don't live together. It is just because i love him and on the first 4 months everything was so different, he was lovely, romantic, everybody knew that he was in love with me, he did everything for me and was actually proud to be with me. Everyone who knew us could tell. Actually we know each other for more than 2 years even though we have been for 8-9 months together and he has never been like that. I miss the old "him" and hope to find him again someday. I know it is wrong, i know i should value myself more and i should move on, but i find it so hard to be done. This is the real him. Before he was on his best behavior as are most people when they first start seeing someone. Just because you love him does not mean you have to stay with an abusive man. You need to raise your standards as well as your self esteem. Crying is not going to cut it with an abuser. If you don't get away from him now later it will turn into physical abuse. Surely you think more of yourself than to settle with the first relationship you enter especially when he isn't treating you well. Start loving you more than him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted November 15, 2019 Share Posted November 15, 2019 You are a textbook example of a girl being manipulated in an abusive relationship. It starts out all romantic and lovey-dovey, then something changes, and you wonder what happened to the nice guy he was at the start. Here's the bad news, he was never that nice guy and he just can't keep up the charade any longer, and so what IS going to happen is that you'll keep being fed lame excuses for his obnoxious behaviour, and you'll be made to feel more and more responsible for the things that HE does. This will include when he starts beating you up, and he WILL start beating you up when he gets bored with calling you names. There is nothing romantic about dating a jerk. Fighting and arguing isn't a sign of a passionate relationship, it's a sign that at least one person in the relationship is, at best, an immature drama queen, (him), and at worst has an anti-social personality disorder, (him again). You have to ask yourself, why are you attracted to such a loser? Why do you set your standards so low? You're worth a hundred of him, and dumping his sorry butt will be a good start towards building your self esteem. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Vanity1 Posted November 15, 2019 Share Posted November 15, 2019 If he’s not changing then it’s only going to get worse Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts