Cold family member

[muffin]

I'd just like a little input. My paternal grandmother has never been real warm and close but in the last few years she's become more distant toward me, almost to the point of being unkind. Regardless of how often I would call her or not, she used to call me at least once every month or every two months. Not often, but regular, and she would say things like "let me hear from you." About 6 months ago I invited her over to see my new apartment and she and my son and I went to lunch. The whole time we were together she was contrary with me and acted like she didn't even want to be with us. When we went to see my apartment she took a quick walk-through and acted real anxious to leave. It was 12:30 and she had to hurry and get back home to rest and be ready for a Bible study at 5:30. ??!!?? Just recently in August my other grandmother died. My paternal grandmother knew her well so I called her to let her know she'd passed away and she told me very curtly that she read it in the paper. I have not heard from her at all since. I haven't called either because I feel really hurt. She knows how big a part of my life my late grandmother was and that I must be grieving, but has no inclination to ask if I'm ok or see if I'm still breathing or anything. This woman is in fine health, it's not like she is developing senility or Alzheimer's or anything like that, I'm thinking I must have done something wrong along the line or she simply doesn't want to bother with me anymore.

 

Is it okay if I don't have a relationship with her anymore? I've been hurt and rejected so much in my life and I'm tired of it. Some people would say I should make the most of my relationship with her since my other grandmother is gone now but I don't feel that way. I was very close to my other grandmother and she was very loving and involved in my life, it was a totally different relationship. I have called or tried to call and written to both this cold grandmother and my father and these people just do not respond to me. Both of these people live 10-20 miles away from me and never see me or my son, and they make it seem like it's always all my fault, like I have to do every bit of the reaching out, no matter how cold or uninterested they are. I don't want to do that anymore. Thanks for listening.

[slubberdegullion]

My first thought was possible dementia or the early stages of Alzheimers (sp?) (for her, not you ). It fits the profile (http://www.ahaf.org/alzdis/about/adsymp.htm).

 

There are a whole host of reasons that have nothing to do with you or your son. Impending mortality is one possibility. For some people, they see their declining years as a chance to enjoy all the fruits that life has to offer, but others become bitter and distant, maybe because they felt that their life went too fast or they never got an opportunity to fulfil their potential. Maybe she's depressed; withdrawal and erratic moods are just two of the symptoms (http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/depression.cfm#ptdep3).

 

But for the sake of the discussion let's take these disorders out of the equation.

 

Maybe there was something you did or said (or didn't do, or didn't say) that's causing her to be distant and cold. Unless you ask her - without your son present - what the problem is, you may never know. After all, you would want to know if there's something that's upsetting her that is in your control, so you could either remedy the situation or at least be aware of it.

 

Regardless of the cause, however, it may be appropriate to give her a little grace; not necessarily for you, but for your son's relationship to her.

 

Good luck.