A question that might have been asked before

[jolehno]

I am a BH. my wife of over 20 years cheated and as soon as I could show her definitive proof, I asked her to leave and she did so, as that was the only thing we had agree that neither of us was going to forgive.

 

Ok so here it goes, to any MW or MM out there, do you think that while in your affair, you have/had change your personality, as much as being practically unrecognizable by you own family? Did you were aware of that change, while in the affair, after the affair or years/months later? or Just never felt that you had changed. I am asking because many times, betrayed partners complain that their couples had change so much that some say it felt as some bodysnatchers case and just could not recognize their partner anymore. It surely happened to me, as she just could have been somebody else, but not my 20 years wife.

 

And then here comes the top question: If you feel you changed, who was it the real one??? The old you or The new, affair you?? Or to make it simple, did you felt more "genuine you", with your lover than with your husband/family? I know all about the Cognitive Dissonance and coping mechanisms, but it is not enough to understand such a dramatic change, and would like to know if my wife tried to be someone else for me, for over 20 years and finally give up, or she, as so many others, just changed over time.

Edited November 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[I Should Know Better]

You’re going to drive yourself crazy trying to understand why she cheated. What was going thru her mind. How she changed, etc. If you want to work things out or need closure you should do counseling together. Really only she can answer this question. Over a 20 year period, people do tend to change. And sadly, sometimes the changes goes unnoticed to a partner.

 

At lot of times however, the cheating partner plays a “role” at home and is more carefree with the person they’re cheating with.

[DKT3]

Unfortunately this is more likely who your wife is and has always been.

 

With that being said, women more then men do have shifts in personality when in the infatuation stage.

 

Here is what you will have to look forward to, your wife will be back. In the wake of being caught its easier to leave, in her mind it gives her an opportunity to really explore the relationship with her affair partner.

 

Lastly, you will never get good answers, you will never really understand what she has done. It will make you crazy trying.

[mark clemson]

I agree that the common wisdom is that women have more personality changes (esp. towards the husband) during the affair AND that you shouldn't put too much focus on trying to understand why she did it.

 

All people change over time. Was she capable of an affair 18 years ago? Who can say, maybe not even her. She didn't do it then, but she did it now.

 

I don't think your whole marriage was a lie, if that's what you're feeling at some level. Of course, that certainly DOESN'T mean you should welcome her back IF she comes crawling back at some point. That will be up to you then and it will be up to her to EARN the right to reconcile (if it's even an option for you).

[Marc878]

Unfortunately this is more likely who your wife is and has always been.

.

 

^^^^ this. As you reflect back you'll probably see it once clarity comes.

 

Basically she did it because she wanted to. An affair is a very conscious decision. They just don't happen.

[Mr. Lucky]

the only thing we had agree that neither of us was going to forgive.

 

What did she need to forgive you for?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Bittersweetie]

I was a MW. Before my A, I could be selfish and self-centered...my H even admits he enabled me in that. But I was never purposely hurtful. Now I can see in the couple of years before the A things that happened that led me to believe that on top of being selfish and self-centered, I was also entitled. Those entitled thoughts led to the choices I made that led to an affair.

 

During the A I was the same on the outside but inside I did a lot of mental gymnastics in order to make what I was doing "okay." Deep down I knew I was wrong so I mentally put things in place to justify my choices...my H worked too much, he was angry a lot, etc. Anything to avoid actually taking responsibility for my hurtful choices.

 

We are now ten years past d-day. I was very fortunate to be given a second chance. I did the best I could to help my husband heal, and I also took long and deep looks at myself to understand why I did what I did and to make core changes in myself based on those understandings.

 

So I did change, and am changed. But it has nothing to do with the affair partner. It has to do with facing the consequences of my actions, to do with the introspection and hard work I did on myself to become a more authentic and truthful person. I am far from perfect but I am more self aware and my new understandings of myself drive how I choose to live my life now.

 

I hope this helps you in some way. Good luck.

[jolehno]

What did she need to forgive you for?

 

Mr. Lucky

Cheating, that was the thing we would never forgive of one another> She hated cheaters and so do I.

Thanks Bittersweetie for your comment, it sheds light on the fact of the deep changes in personality that affairs bring sometimes. Not sure if many WW or WH have the wisdom to notice their changes previous or during the affair, good to see that you did.

 

I have been reading on the Other man, Other woman forum, but apart from all the "self induced" pain I see in that forum, I haven't seen someone acknowledges that, like in my exwife case, they have gone thru such changes, that all moral values, life priorities and even food or music taste are replaced for new and sometimes, opposite ones.

 

For what I have read in these pages, it seems that at least woman, from 40 to 55, are the ones that go thru something like a second teen age...if that makes sense. In my case, it was like dealing with a teen, and I was her bad father that didn't let her be happy...So probably, sometime affaires are not the cause but the simtom, could it be a hormone induced lunacy...? Well, Whatever.

Edited November 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[somanymistakes]

I've never heard this "common wisdom" of women changing more than men - I think it all depends on who you're listening to.

 

Certainly I hear it all the time from betrayed wives, how their husband has suddenly drastically changed and is doing all kinds of things THEY always asked him to do and he refused, but now he'll do those things for the OW.

 

Or that he's having a "midlife crisis" and suddenly wants to behave like a teenager and is into all sorts of things that are drastically unlike the values he professed before. And probably running off with a much younger woman in the process.

 

I think there's a natural tendency for all people to believe that life is especially unfair to them personally, rather than recognising it's unfair to everybody, because we don't see the inside of other people's lives as much as we see our own, and we resonate more with stories that sound more like ours.

 

Regardless, I'm sorry this is happening to you, OP.

[schlumpy]

I am a BH. my wife of over 20 years cheated and as soon as I could show her definitive proof, I asked her to leave and she did so, as that was the only thing we had agree that neither of us was going to forgive.

 

To the best of your knowledge is this her only affair or the only time you had the evidence to convict?

[jolehno]

To the best of your knowledge is this her only affair or the only time you had the evidence to convict?

 

This was the first time, but seems like it had been happening for something like 18 months and probably, with two different guys. (one at a time) I finally had proof of one, after I set a VAR in her car and could record a phone conversation with her last lover. Since she always would deny any wrongdoing and even violently scream that I was offending her by saying she was cheating.

 

I had to lock the doors and play the recording, so she wouldn't leave, and even so, she kept screaming that it wasn't what it seemed...Anyway, I asked her to leave, as life had become unbearable for me and our two sons (18 and 20) She left that same day with her clothes only and the MM dumped her the next day, as I sent the recording to MM wife. It's been some 16 months since D day, and havent seen or speak to her, neither I want to do so.

 

For 22 years, she was the perfect wife and mother in all senses, but it all changed just like sometimes children become strangers and like enemies of their parents as they reach puberty. She had depression some 10 years ago, and had to be heavily medicated as she had suicide thoughts and strange behaviors, she recuperated completely. I'm not looking to mend my marriage at this point even doo we are still legally married. I guess I write this so it might help someone out there reading how perfectly good people can destroy their lives and those of the people they usually loved the most, by getting in infidelity.

Edited November 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[schlumpy]

The trauma to you and the family must have been substantial. There seems to be no good answer as to why people will throw everything to wind and betray those who care about them when they could just divorce without the drama.

 

Is there a reason you can share as to why you are not seeking to divorce?

 

Has this experience put you off on starting another relationship? I would certainly understand if you felt burned out to the core.

 

I do like that you took action and confronted a very painful problem with resolve. If there was a betrayed spouse hall of fame, you would have my vote.

[usa1ah]

You should divorce as soon as possible.

 

You are still liable for her financially. She could bury you in debts.

 

Talk with a lawyer about claiming abandonment.

[carhill]

Cheating, that was the thing we would never forgive of one another> She hated cheaters and so do I.

Welcome to LS and my sympathies. Regarding the quote, is/was your/her prior perspective on cheating, hating it, common in your culture or uncommon? IOW, how does your culture view affairs in general?

I have been reading on the Other man, Other woman forum, but apart from all the "self induced" pain I see in that forum, I haven't seen someone acknowledges that, like in my exwife case, they have gone thru such changes, that all moral values, life priorities and even food or music taste are replaced for new and sometimes, opposite ones.

The beauty of LS is the depth of the life experiences stored here. In your journey of understanding I think you'll find a wide variety of life experiences shared, many about situational and more permanent life changes people experience. Pain can be part of change, as can fallibility. Humans, all of us, are imperfect, fallible beings. We like to think we can do no wrong and hurt no one but that is a fallacy we sell to ourselves. Your wife is human, as are you. She bears full responsibility for her infidelities. You both bear responsibility for your marriage.

For what I have read in these pages, it seems that at least woman, from 40 to 55, are the ones that go thru something like a second teen age...if that makes sense. In my case, it was like dealing with a teen, and I was her bad father that didn't let her be happy...So probably, sometime affaires are not the cause but the simtom, could it be a hormone induced lunacy...? Well, Whatever.

I've seen a lot of this with older MW's, being in my 60's now, and some marriages survive it, others don't. Men go through hormonal changes too, and things like 'mid-life crisis' that impels behaviors customarily abhorrent to them. Whatever the 'reason', they're still responsible for those behaviors, both men and women.

 

Where do you go from here? IMO, if you feel stuck and not moving forward with divorce after her being gone over a year, get some professional psychological counseling to assist. It can also help with the divorce process if things trend to 'lunacy' or emotional outbursts on either side. How does your culture view divorce? Is it discouraged? Do you have to prove her infidelity to divorce? How does it go? Best wishes in your journey!

[Rainbows]

OP, Midlife crisis is also a term thrown around? That was my first thought re my husbands affair as all his morals etc changed literally 360 after 17 years of knowing him (my post is on here also)

[pepperbird]

op,

I don't want to sound trite, but have you considered that this could be due to mental illness? I'm asking as you made mention of it earlier.

 

Does this change in personality extend to other areas of her life? Is she suddenly super energetic, like she can take on the world? Is she being careless with spending, that sort of thing? I'm not trying to diagnose her or excuse her behavior, I'm just wondering if you think mental illness could be involved.

 

If so ( and even if not) protect yourself and your asserts. Have a strong support system in place and remember you can't change her, and even if you want to help her, you have to keep yourself afloat first.

 

I'm sorry to lecture, and i know you say you are done. For what it's worth, I think you're smart to walk away, given how she's acted.

[jolehno]

The trauma to you and the family must have been substantial. There seems to be no good answer as to why people will throw everything to wind and betray those who care about them when they could just divorce without the drama.

 

Is there a reason you can share as to why you are not seeking to divorce?

 

Has this experience put you off on starting another relationship? I would certainly understand if you felt burned out to the core.

 

 

 

Yes, the first 6 months were almost unbearable, the house felt so empty for me and my sons. She really was the joy of our home, devoted mother and wife, always in a good mood and happy. That was until something snapped and became that other person, the angry, the layer, the depressed while in the house (and happy outside), the short tempered. At some point it was impossible to talk to her, she had become explosive, bad mouthed, aggressive, sarcastic or simply would walk out screaming to leave her alone when ever the conversation started to move, on her motives for her change.

Now, I am 60 year old, even that I really don't feel old, but I have lost all interest on romantic relationships. I enjoy being with friends and have almost weekly get togethers. I also take care of the house, as at this time I am retired, and that keeps me busy.

I guess not feeling any romantic desire its a blessing at this point.

Not seeking for divorce is because I just don't care anymore, neither I am looking for another relationship. Probably she will act on that, (she's younger, at 48) and that's OK

[jolehno]

Welcome to LS and my sympathies. Regarding the quote, is/was your/her prior perspective on cheating, hating it, common in your culture or uncommon? IOW, how does your culture view affairs in general?

 

She comes from a broken home where her father always cheated with multiple woman and her mother cheated all her marriage with a colleague, to the point that my wife didn't know if she really was her father's daughter. I thought that this bad experience was behind her hate to cheating, but now, I think that that bad experience also served the purpose to somehow Normalize infidelity. She loves her parents and they are both cheaters...(I guess when you start to sleep alone, there is so much idle time, that we become psychologist of some sort...)

In my culture, cheating is common and almost expected among men. But it is a big shame for a woman, and her family I guess. So, Loveshack and the incredible common wisdom of the posters, has been a lifesaver, since this topic can not be discussed, even with family or close friends. In the other side, Me, I just don't understand cheating. I will not say I have a higher moral code, Its just I can't see the point in going into such a mess. I guess I like family, Familiarity and peace. An affair just don't fit with that.

[jolehno]

op,

I don't want to sound trite, but have you considered that this could be due to mental illness? I'm asking as you made mention of it earlier.

 

Does this change in personality extend to other areas of her life? Is she suddenly super energetic, like she can take on the world? Is she being careless with spending, that sort of thing? I'm not trying to diagnose her or excuse her behavior, I'm just wondering if you think mental illness could be involved.

 

If so ( and even if not) protect yourself and your asserts. Have a strong support system in place and remember you can't change her, and even if you want to help her, you have to keep yourself afloat first.

 

I'm sorry to lecture, and i know you say you are done. For what it's worth, I think you're smart to walk away, given how she's acted.

 

Yes, that was my first thought, I spend months researching about BPD, Narcissism, Bi-polar, Midlife crisis etc. And really, she has some of each of that illness. She always was extremely energetic, always well dress, house clean, children attended, the model mother, and then, collapse! She would go days with the same clothes she sleep with, Children would anoyd her, and my presence disgusted her. But then I saw her when she was out, with other people, and she was happy, as always. Only at home, she acted depressed, sometimes so much that I thought that eventually she was going to suffer some nervous breakdown. It never happened.

I found out her cheating, she tried to gaslight me even with solid proof in her face, so finally she went to live with her mother and keeps a modest and seems that a single, sad life too. Who knows.

By the way, she doesn't drinks or smokes, not partying, gambling...nothing. She has low self esteem, as her psychologist said while she went thru her depression.

Now, after all this time, I think that I was looking for an illness, so I could somehow explain her behavior and take the blame off her, She is not a cheater, is the illness, if that makes any sense??

For now, I will just try to live my life. Me and my sons are better now, time does heal, we laugh again, we enjoy meals and we work on the house, fixing things and keeping it well.

Thanks to all posters for taking the time to write.