Ex GF came back after 3 1/2 years!

[UniverseInMe]

It's a loooooong story and I'll spare you the miserable details, but lets just say our previous relationship was very toxic. To say I was an absolute basket-case truly is an understatement. My misery was based solely on the fact that my ego and lack of self-esteem was the sole responsibility that carried my burden.

 

Any-hoot, to my surprise she reached out to me 3 weeks ago through fb messenger. We briefly chatted and saw each other the next day. She ended up coming back to my place and we had sex. The next day she up and left early in the morning. I knew she only wanted to "hook-up" or was curious, or whatever, but I can tell pretty easily things were off. I sent her a quick and very simple message the next day just to test her waters and see where she stood. Her reply, although quick, was bland. Right there I knew I made a gigantic mistake. I was feeling so good prior to her reaching out to me and here I was feeling messed up in the head all over again. Only this time I knew I'd get over her much, much quicker. So I went NC again. And you know what? After the initial terrible feelings and self-blame wore off I was back to feeling good again and didn't care that I would never speak to her again, and I sure as heck wasn't going to ever reach out to her.

 

2 1/2 weeks passes and her sister messages me to go to her party. Btw, her sister really likes me a lot. But I lied and told her I was going elsewhere. Then 2 days ago she messages me again saying it's my ex's birthday and that I was invited to her place and that my ex was too shy to ask me to come. I was really hesitant but she was insisting on me coming. And so I was like whatever and went. We did have fun and she was pleased I was there. I left home that night and we didn't have sex or anything because her sister and husband picked me up. We have plans for this weekend to hang out for her birthday so we'll see how that goes.

 

The moral of this story is, yes, they do come back. And believe me, I literally and embarrassingly made EVERY known mistake known to man post-breakup. So how do I feel now about her coming back? Honestly? It's whatever. All I know is I'm the level headed one of the two. She's still difficult to deal with at times and so I'm done with the arguing and trying to be the rational and peace maker. She is who she is and there is nothing I or her family can do to change her delusional ways. Because of which I'm going with the flow. If she suddenly changes and starts to truly respect me and care for me the way I would love to be, then great. I doubt it but again, whatever. Basically what I'm trying to say is I absolutely do NOT have my hopes up. I'm just going with the wind. Besides, I have a new business that I'm focusing on so that is my priority now. And believe me, dating other women and getting serious with them is never not an option. In fact I welcome it with open arms, so as long as we're compatible, obviously, because it sure would be nice to start fresh with someone new.

 

So for those suffering and wishing and praying and begging God to bring their exes back, and yes I have done that too, all I can say is watch what you wish for. It happened to me and trust me, it ain't what you've dreamed them up to be. I once put my ex on a pedestal worthy only by those of Gods, lol. In fact, looking back at all the suffering I went through I just shake my head. To think for that length of time I put myself through all that misery. It was all just an illusion. An illusion of the fearful, insecure, ego mind.

 

I wish all you who are in pain a lot of happiness and most of all, peace of the heart and mind. Because I remember that was all I wanted, peace of the mind and heart. Feel free to ask me anything if it helps.

[rjc149]

Did she dump you? Did she leave you for someone else?

 

Curious.

 

Thanks for the post btw.

[UniverseInMe]

Did she dump you? Did she leave you for someone else?

 

Curious.

 

Thanks for the post btw.

 

Well, I initially broke up with her, but, it was only out of frustration and manipulation. In the process I made a complete fool of myself. Deep down I still wanted her but it was too late when I wanted back.

[Highndry]

This is rare, and it's only because they are alone and need an ego boost. You should stay grounded and enjoy this only for what it is, which is meaningless sex. You are a placeholder at best.

[Beachead]

Hey UniverselInMe,

 

It's nice to hear that an old ex returned to you. I admit there's a part of me that does think about my ex sometimes and wonders if I'd ever hear from her again. But at the same time, returning exes set my alarms off because of number of situations I've seen and also been involved in where these kinds of interactions were never what they seemed to be.

 

Be careful man.

 

I'm just assuming here but, it seems as though she was treating you like dirt and you broke up with her to try and shake some sense into her. It didn't work out the way you had hoped, she wound up moving on in her life. It also sounds like you blamed yourself and carried some guilt for the way you behaved. Am I correct in assuming, you didn't want things to end with her? Otherwise, why would you bother accepting her back into your life?

 

Make sure you're being real honest with yourself.

 

When they leave you at the time, in their mind, they were done. They didn't have any plans to get back together which meant they were eventually choosing to be with someone new..and they were perfectly fine with that. So the question I'd ask is why is she back? What's changed for her from the day she left to now? And from what I've seen in my life, exes typically come back for self serving reasons..especially after such a long period of time. Like Highndry said, she could be using you for an ego boost. Be real careful. If there is any hope in your heart, you're vulnerable to letting her work her poison right back into you. Even though you might feel like you can handle her return, you may soon find your mind going back to that crappy mental-state were in years ago.

 

- Beach

Edited November 15, 2019 by Beachead

[UniverseInMe]

Hey UniverselInMe,

 

It's nice to hear that an old ex returned to you. I admit there's a part of me that does think about my ex sometimes and wonders if I'd ever hear from her again. But at the same time, returning exes set my alarms off because of number of situations I've seen and also been involved in where these kinds of interactions were never what they seemed to be.

 

Be careful man.

 

I'm just assuming here but, it seems as though she was treating you like dirt and you broke up with her to try and shake some sense into her. It didn't work out the way you had hoped, she wound up moving on in her life. It also sounds like you blamed yourself and carried some guilt for the way you behaved. Am I correct in assuming, you didn't want things to end with her? Otherwise, why would you bother accepting her back into your life?

 

Make sure you're being real honest with yourself.

 

When they leave you at the time, in their mind, they were done. They didn't have any plans to get back together which meant they were eventually choosing to be with someone new..and they were perfectly fine with that. So the question I'd ask is why is she back? What's changed for her from the day she left to now? And from what I've seen in my life, exes typically come back for self serving reasons..especially after such a long period of time. Like Highndry said, she could be using you for an ego boost. Be real careful. If there is any hope in your heart, you're vulnerable to letting her work her poison right back into you. Even though you might feel like you can handle her return, you may soon find your mind going back to that crappy mental-state were in years ago.

 

- Beach

 

Well, the situation between her and I is as follows. She, or her sister, message me for something. I show up, we have fun, I go home and days pass in between without talking. Rinse and repeat. It's like she's got me at arms length and I to her. Nothing wrong with it. We're both not committing. I'm pretty sure she still remembers the past and is weary and I am too but it seems like she's coming around the more I leave her alone. I'm genuinely okay with not pursing her because I'm forever done chasing in an unhealthy way. I learned a huge lesson from this breakup that'll never, ever reverse me. Yes, I do think about her a couple times out of the day but by in large I'm totally okay with the way things are now. Like I said I have a new business that I'm really trying to grow and so that's my priority. It's just my ex has certain qualities that is literally head-scratching. Even her own family understands me but whatever, I'm not here to be her daddy. She's a mature woman who needs to take responsibility for how she deals with certain things. I know I learned a massive lesson so I feel I'm much, much stronger now. My only hope and dream is to be successful so that I can be more confident in my career. Hopefully with a little bit of luck I can really meet a woman that will knock my socks off.

[Silver_star]

Hopefully with a little bit of luck I can really meet a woman that will knock my socks off.

 

I think if that is what you hope for, then keeping your ex out of your life is best. Even meaningless sex has it's implications. It's hard to attract what you want in your life for the future if you are caught up in things of the past.

[UniverseInMe]

I think if that is what you hope for, then keeping your ex out of your life is best. Even meaningless sex has it's implications. It's hard to attract what you want in your life for the future if you are caught up in things of the past.

 

The thing is Silver, and I'm gonna be honest, I'm an older fella now so most of everyone around me I care to hang with I hardly see. I don't see my friends anymore, except for one, but he's married so it's not like I can hang with him anytime. So I'm lonely a lot and it's nice to have someone in my life that at least wants to hang from time to time. It's like I'm tired of doing things by myself. So the loneliness is the only part that motivates me to want to hang with her or her family. And to be honest I don't subscribe to the whole thing of making room for the Universe to work it's magic. For one thing I was alone for 3 1/2 years, where was the Universe then? lol.

[fromheart]

Thanks for the post. I'd say that to take an ex back is complete madness. Whatever has happened will always happen again in some form or fashion.

[Highndry]

Thanks for the post. I'd say that to take an ex back is complete madness. Whatever has happened will always happen again in some form or fashion.

 

 

Exactly. Nothing ever changes. Anytime I was missing my ex I just imagined what it would be like to rekindle and quickly realized she would do the same thing she always has, because that's her. The same problems we had are the same reasons she and her husband divorced. She's never going to change.

[Beachead]

@Highndry @fromheart

 

Well..not always. My ex and her then ex (Now husband) at the time were apart when I met her. They weren't together but they weren't done with eachother either. I stupidly got involved with her and got thrown into the middle of it. From what I learned, she had problems with him regarding his family, religious differences, the lack of attention he gave her because he apparently put more of it towards his friends and his music career. There were also situations involving other girls. After a short while of having a turbulent relationship because of their unresolved issues, I knew I had to end it. When I did, she went right back to him. Her reason for going back to him was "She didn't know how to love anyone else." They married 8 months later and they're still married. 2 years now.

 

So perhaps it depends on circumstances that ended the relationship and whether both people are willing to put their egos aside and work on whatever broke them up in the first place.

Edited November 17, 2019 by Beachead

[fromheart]

Exactly. Nothing ever changes. Anytime I was missing my ex I just imagined what it would be like to rekindle and quickly realized she would do the same thing she always has, because that's her. The same problems we had are the same reasons she and her husband divorced. She's never going to change.

 

Agreed. Unless you find that rare individual that's willing to go back to their childhood mess, and take the necessary steps to change they will never change.

 

And sometimes its nobodies fault, two people just can't make it together.

 

Either way, there's a 99.9% chance that she will never, ever change.

[Silver_star]

The thing is Silver, and I'm gonna be honest, I'm an older fella now so most of everyone around me I care to hang with I hardly see. I don't see my friends anymore, except for one, but he's married so it's not like I can hang with him anytime. So I'm lonely a lot and it's nice to have someone in my life that at least wants to hang from time to time. It's like I'm tired of doing things by myself. So the loneliness is the only part that motivates me to want to hang with her or her family. And to be honest I don't subscribe to the whole thing of making room for the Universe to work it's magic. For one thing I was alone for 3 1/2 years, where was the Universe then? lol.

 

It's not really magic. It's just about the energy you create.

Can you not join some meetup groups or get out and meet more people to connect with? Maybe even online dating? What do you have to lose right?

 

You are using your loneliness and fear to support your staying in the same lifestyle and circumstances that you are complaining about.The energy you put out there is "I am lonely and since no one is beating my door down to hang out I will accept whoever comes into my direct path because I am not getting any younger and so I guess that is what i deserve"...and you know what comes into your direct path? Either nobody or people that make you feel more lonely and alone...because that is the energy that you are putting out there. Trust me I have many friends that do this exact same thing and they keep expecting different results, and it never ends well.

 

If you instead used your feeling of loneliness to inspire a change in you to get more of what you want (fun people to hang out with or a romantic interest) that could motivate you to go out and meet more interesting exciting, attractive people. You would need to change your way of thinking about what you want in your life and what you are willing to do to get it.

[Grisha]

If you want to take the time to read my posts about my ex who was my “dream girl” who broke up with me after about a year of casually dating. Well after 4 months she came back. I told everyone I knew exactly how I was going to play it and how certain I was that she would be back in 2-4 months. I was lucky enough to finally understand attraction and how to keep it. We got back together 9 months ago and have been living together for the last 6 months. She is obsessive over me now and always wants to be around me. I’m the one who has to ask for space now.

I wish I could write a book and help all men with their ex’s because I believe two people can be fully in love forever as long as both people know the secret.

You actually can get her back and fully in love with you and crazy about you. You just need to understand how to get the brain chemicals going.

She is attracted to you at her core which is all you need.

If you just remain distant, and let her keep reaching out to you for the next upcoming months she will come to you more and more.

Your window for error will be small but that’s okay because as long as you continue to focus on your business, life, anything that benefits you, maybe even the gym, it will increase your value AND keep her wondering..

Never put her on a pedestal because people would rather feel like they’re with someone better then themselves. They want a prize. They don’t care to feel like the prize. Has to be leveled at the least.

As a man you have to always remain grounded and calm when women want to give attitude or be outrageous.

My gf has her moment once or twice a month but not once have I fallen into it and because of this she always ends up apologizing and loving me even more. I’m just living my life and enjoying her company. If she ever tries to test me I never care and tell her she’s free to do whatever but I’m also free to make decisions off of her reactions.. she loves that I’m not afraid to lose her because it shows that I’m a catch and can find someone probably even better.

My last post about her was the last time I felt uncertain but she turned out to love me even more when I gave her space and proved that I wasn’t afraid. It amazes me how attraction works.

[UniverseInMe]

If you want to take the time to read my posts about my ex who was my “dream girl” who broke up with me after about a year of casually dating. Well after 4 months she came back. I told everyone I knew exactly how I was going to play it and how certain I was that she would be back in 2-4 months. I was lucky enough to finally understand attraction and how to keep it. We got back together 9 months ago and have been living together for the last 6 months. She is obsessive over me now and always wants to be around me. I’m the one who has to ask for space now.

I wish I could write a book and help all men with their ex’s because I believe two people can be fully in love forever as long as both people know the secret.

You actually can get her back and fully in love with you and crazy about you. You just need to understand how to get the brain chemicals going.

She is attracted to you at her core which is all you need.

If you just remain distant, and let her keep reaching out to you for the next upcoming months she will come to you more and more.

Your window for error will be small but that’s okay because as long as you continue to focus on your business, life, anything that benefits you, maybe even the gym, it will increase your value AND keep her wondering..

Never put her on a pedestal because people would rather feel like they’re with someone better then themselves. They want a prize. They don’t care to feel like the prize. Has to be leveled at the least.

As a man you have to always remain grounded and calm when women want to give attitude or be outrageous.

My gf has her moment once or twice a month but not once have I fallen into it and because of this she always ends up apologizing and loving me even more. I’m just living my life and enjoying her company. If she ever tries to test me I never care and tell her she’s free to do whatever but I’m also free to make decisions off of her reactions.. she loves that I’m not afraid to lose her because it shows that I’m a catch and can find someone probably even better.

My last post about her was the last time I felt uncertain but she turned out to love me even more when I gave her space and proved that I wasn’t afraid. It amazes me how attraction works.

 

I don't doubt a single thing you said. Unfortunately in my situation my ex and I aren't compatible in many ways. I would wish for her to change in certain categories but it's not for me to decide. She is who she is and there is nothing I can say or do about it. Yes, I find her very attractive but we mismatch in some ways that really makes me 2nd guess her. Sadly, as of late, she's once again resorted to playing games but just as you mentioned I'm not falling for them. I'm not playing her games anymore. I'm the man and I'm taking charge no matter how ****ty I feel. She wants me she has to come to me. I made a promise to myself after the hell I went through post breakup that I'll never, ever chase a woman in desperation ever again. I just have to be the best version of myself and I've done my part. You don't like me, fine, go kick rocks. I'd rather be alone.

[TeddyPSmith]

can we get a status update on this? been curious to see how it panned out

[TeddyBundy1993]

Wow that's extremely rare. Whenever I see women leaving for someone else they don't look back again and yours returned after such a long time. Its extremely rare if you ask me. Must be such a ego boost for you. This is a dream for all of us men who have been left over and dwelling under our blankets in this cold winters all alone pff. But definitely I'd like to say female dumpers who leave for another guy rarely return back to their ex partners.  The only time they return is when their new "love" goes downhill. Once a person leaves kill this hope of them returning it just doesnt let us move on. 

[UniverseInMe]

Sorry for the long absence. But I'm back to give you guys an update. 

So I have regained my composure and dignity once again. I'm fully healed, thank God. The insurmountable misery I went through, post breakup, has all vanished. Unfortunately as-if this moment we currently aren't talking and haven't talked in the last 2 1/2 weeks. Something weird has happened that has sent my ex into silence once again. I'm guessing I did something wrong, that I have absolutely no idea what it was about. Even her sister has uncharacteristically gone silent and I say this because her sister really, really likes me a lot. In fact she always fights for me to have her sister back with me.

Alls I know is her and her sister came over 2 1/2 weeks ago to say hi. I was very hospitable. My ex was really sick that day. Anyway, I thought we had a nice time in that short time together. They wanted to hang out more but I couldn't because I had to do work for my business that was time sensitive. And so they left. A few hours later I decided to text my ex to see how she's been feeling and I never got a return text. Hu. Interesting. And so I left it at that. I haven't text her since and I'm not going to because I truthfully can't think for the life of me what I must've done to upset her and I certainly ain't going to chase her and fall into that trap again. Hell no. I've learned my lesson. 

I know with near certainty that her sister or ex will reach out eventually. But truthfully I'm just sick and tired of these games. It's like communicate with me if something is bothering you. I've never, ever shied away from talking things through. I've never not returned their text or phone calls. I've been there most the times when they have invited me over for something. I think I'm a very fair and open person so why should I run to her begging to get her attention? If something is bothering you then say something. Why play these games? I'm too old now to be dealing with these childish games. I want peace and love in my life right now, not constant drama. 

Any hoot, like I said I'm almost certain my ex or her sister will eventually reach out and if they don't, oh well.  

But ya guys, if you guys are dealing with your own misery, believe me, I know the feeling all to well. But just know even when they do come back things just aren't the same. I know I've changed and boy have I changed. I mean the old me is dead. I'm a much stronger and confident person for having survived that horror of a breakup. I'm just glad that part of my life is over and done with. And to think it was all in my head all along. The ego truly is a powerful force but guess what? You are too. So take it from me. I've been on both sides and now that I've had the experience of having my ex return it really wasn't all that. My mind truly created her into a Goddess, post breakup, and I honestly laugh and cringe at how high of a pedestal I once put her. 

I hope I can help anyone out there. If you guys have anything to share with me please feel free to ask.

[Marc878]

As long as you stay tangled up in these things you'll never find someone you could be compatable with.

in essence you are keeping yourself trapped. 

[Beachead]

@UniverseInMe

Quote

Unfortunately as-if this moment we currently aren't talking and haven't talked in the last 2 1/2 weeks. Something weird has happened that has sent my ex into silence once again. I'm guessing I did something wrong, that I have absolutely no idea what it was about. Even her sister has uncharacteristically gone silent and I say this because her sister really, really likes me a lot. In fact she always fights for me to have her sister back with me.

Sounds like she's hooking you again with her hot an cold bs.   It's simple things like that, that can have you stuck on her for years.  Especially when you're lonely..because you're prone to taking it. I've known several people who've done this to me.  The flakiness.   The lack of communication.  For a short period of time they'll talk to you like you're important to them, then its months of silence.  They may take weeks to get back to you.  You sit there wondering if its you because you feel like you've done something wrong.  Your mind starts to think about them more and more..and before you know it, they've hooked you..again.  The destructive part about it is it slowly drains you, takes your confidence away, makes you feel like something is wrong with you, makes you feel like other people are like her and that bleeds into the rest of your life..especially affecting your ability to be with someone else.  

In the end, a seemingly harmless action, can manifest itself in a very destructive way.  

Reasonable people don't do this to others and people.   I'm sure she'll come back with some stupid excuse about why she couldn't respond to you and she'll make it sound legit, playing into your weaknesses and making you want to give her another try.

This girl is a waste of your time and you deserve better.   I'd cut the lines of communication off so that she can't reach you anymore and therefore won't be able to mess with you.  Don't allow your loneliness to manipulate you into keeping people like this around.  They can make you feel far more lonely than you do.  You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.   You don't need her.

- Beach

Edited January 4, 2020 by Beachead

[UniverseInMe]

9 hours ago, Beachead said:

@UniverseInMe

Sounds like she's hooking you again with her hot an cold bs.   It's simple things like that, that can have you stuck on her for years.  Especially when you're lonely..because you're prone to taking it. I've known several people who've done this to me.  The flakiness.   The lack of communication.  For a short period of time they'll talk to you like you're important to them, then its months of silence.  They may take weeks to get back to you.  You sit there wondering if its you because you feel like you've done something wrong.  Your mind starts to think about them more and more..and before you know it, they've hooked you..again.  The destructive part about it is it slowly drains you, takes your confidence away, makes you feel like something is wrong with you, makes you feel like other people are like her and that bleeds into the rest of your life..especially affecting your ability to be with someone else.  

In the end, a seemingly harmless action, can manifest itself in a very destructive way.  

Reasonable people don't do this to others and people.   I'm sure she'll come back with some stupid excuse about why she couldn't respond to you and she'll make it sound legit, playing into your weaknesses and making you want to give her another try.

This girl is a waste of your time and you deserve better.   I'd cut the lines of communication off so that she can't reach you anymore and therefore won't be able to mess with you.  Don't allow your loneliness to manipulate you into keeping people like this around.  They can make you feel far more lonely than you do.  You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.   You don't need her.

- Beach

The only difference is this time I truthfully don't care anymore. Like I said earlier, I'm totally over her. I'm not obsessing or any of that. Yes, I do think about her from time to time but it's way, way different now. I think of it as it's her loss, not mine. I only posted this, truthfully, to try to help others to understand that our imaginations can run wild when we're insecure. And that insecurity is the ego. The ego is in hot pursuit of our ex-mate because our egos were bruised and it's trying to make right, for whatever reason. It's in this period of obsessing/chasing our egos run rampant and sends us into needless, destructive behaviors uncharacteristic of us.

[TeddyBundy1993]

OP how old are you and how old is this girl? 

[UniverseInMe]

8 hours ago, TeddyBundy1993 said:

OP how old are you and how old is this girl? 

45.

[Beachead]

On 1/4/2020 at 3:07 PM, UniverseInMe said:

I only posted this, truthfully, to try to help others to understand that our imaginations can run wild when we're insecure. And that insecurity is the ego. The ego is in hot pursuit of our ex-mate because our egos were bruised and it's trying to make right, for whatever reason. It's in this period of obsessing/chasing our egos run rampant and sends us into needless, destructive behaviors uncharacteristic of us.

Well said and very true.   

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

I used to be an idiot myself with women; at one point, I told my first girlfriend that I had been seeing other women the entire time we were exclusively dating and my reasoning for this was because she was really good to me and treated me well, so I figured she deserved the truth... Probably should of just broke it off and saved myself and her the grief, but bah, it is what it is.

This same woman came back to me like 5 years later and... I couldn't do it... She was interested in starting up again and I said to myself "Somebody who wants to potentially re-expose themselves to this type of behavior, yeah, no...." I was a different person 5 years later and would not of done something like that, but I just couldn't get past the fact that she would even risk it.

Now, she won't talk to me at all and basically hates me, which I feel like would of been the end of our relationship if we started again anyways, she told me she had gotten over all the pain and hurt, yet we can't be friends unless we are more than friends... Probably the strangest experience I have had with a woman so far.