Missing my Mum terribly

[Melrose78]

Coming up to Christmas has always been hard. Especially the past 2 years.

Up until 25 or so years ago I had an awesome family. Or maybe that's just how I remember it? I don't know anymore.

 

My older brother had a breakdown when I was 15, he was 16. 4 or so years after

I was really close to Mum. Then it all unraveled. My brother's breakdown shook my parents. All their attention went to him. Then my little brother started refusing to go to school. Mum especially put all her attention to the boys. I didn't blame her. But I had to stand on my own two feet and became more independent. It was either that or crumble as well.

 

I had to do a lot of the housework while mum was still working. I felt responsible. My brother's would refuse to do anything, which would stress me out and cause massive issues with us. I became the bitch.

 

Once school finished my lack of confidence sent me into a head spiral. I had always wanted to study architecture. But I worried my Math wasn't strong enough. So I ended up working in warehousing. Not my dream job, but it paid ok.

 

Mum had slid into depression herself and dad didn't know what to do.

 

Over the years we grew apart. I always felt like I wasn't good enough. I jumped from one destructive relationship to another. Maybe trying to find the love I felt I had lost? I still don't know. All I know is every time they ended my Dad had a comment to make about the guy. Always negative. Never would he say I deserved better etc. Just became critical of the choices I was making. And my brother's especially would join in.

 

Fast forward to now.

 

It's been 2 years since I've had a relationship with any of my family

Mum had started showing signs of dementia in her 50s n I had to take over getting her diagnosed. Dad was frustrated and his doctor was useless. I was forced to speak to the doctor myself and insist she have an assessment. While talking to their doctor he kept saying how her having depression made diagnosis harder. Until I got angry and asked for a referral for a diagnosis.

 

I've tried as much as a mentally and emotionally myself can cope to be supportive and be there. But I've also had my own issues. 6 years ago I seperated from a not very healthy marriage and moved in with my best friend. I think I heard from my dad once in the 6 months after the seperation to ask how I was. Any other visit was from me or phone call.

It got to a point where I felt like I was the one trying. With everything.

 

I tried to sort things out about 8 months ago. I met with my dad at a cafe because he refused to allow me to come to his house. And I can honestly say I've never been at their house and caused any form of trouble. He had decided I wasn't welcome and that's how it would be

 

He tore me to shreds. Everything I had ever done wrong in his eyes he spoke about. I didn't bother arguing. There was no point. I cried my eyes out. I was sad, heart broken and lost. And not once did he stop and say "ok. Let's just sort this out. I love you. You're my daughter"

 

My brother's have stopped talking to me. Even though we had no issues. My little brother called me at one stage, abusing me and calling me all the names under the sun.

 

I have no clue what to do. Mum has Alzheimer's dementia and is in a wheelchair. I have no idea how much time she has left. And I miss her. I miss the family I had. I feel so lost.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm so sorry for your pain and the alienation you feel from your family, Melrose.

 

Is it possible your brothers and fathers have misinterpreted something(s) that you've done that has caused them to choose to be angry with you? If so, what do you think it might be?

[Gaeta]

What a heart breaking story, I am sorry for your pain.

 

 

 

Would your father and brothers be willing to meet with a family mediator to save the family? A family mediator is like a referee that will help you purge all this resentment.

[schlumpy]

I have to agree. You need an objective third party to sort through these issues and craft some compromises. None of you are capable of surmounting the emotional problems that are between you.

 

I don't know what behavior on your part or their part has created this situation. Many times people get a reputation and even if they've changed it takes a very long time for others to accept it.

 

Meanwhile, forget the family and do what you are allowed to do for your mother. Go to IC and start working on yourself. There has to be a good reason why your life's path is littered with the wreckage of bad relationships. Solving that problem may occupy you for a significant amount of time.

[preraph]

I don't know what your dad's problem is, but he sounds like an abusive jackass. Next time he criticizes your choice in men, remind him that the only role modeling you got was from him, your father, and that you reckon you keep unconsciously picking abusive guys like him! Because that's true!

 

I'm sorry you are basically without a family. It's a shame there isn't one sibling who wants to be close and isn't a problem. I'm glad you have a friend to live with and a nice dog. I think the holidays are sad for a lot of people. My advice there is to make a plan and go do something, a non-Christmas like holiday. Spend a couple of days in a hotel in some city and explore. Or you could volunteer at the soup kitchens and other Christmas type charities, Toys for Tots, whatever, and give them what you wish you had, and I know it doesn't sound like it would be the thing to make you feel better, but everyone says that's how it works. Doing for others, giving them what you crave, somehow works. And you might make new friends, too. It can be your new Christmas tradition, or you can find some other.

[Melrose78]

I have such amazing, supportive friend. They have all been there for me.

I may ask one of my best friends to speak to my dad. At least if we can find out who her carer is that takes her out twice a week, I can meet up with them somewhere.

 

My dad won't agree to mediation or counseling. His response for so long is everything is everyone else's fault. He's lost many friends over this. Funny enough, one is my god father, who I'm meeting up with is Brisbane, Australia. I'm in Melbourne.

 

My brothers were allowed to become involved. When I told my dad about my younger brothers abuse he didn't care. Even though 20 or so years ago the same thing happened in his sister's family, and he was disgusted by it. It's like his become hard. Instead of getting counseling, his built walls up.

 

I've done counseling myself. On and Off since I was 19. I know now the patterns I use to follow. Now I like dating nice guys. But the ones that have issues ? and need saving.

Edited November 15, 2019 by Melrose78

[preraph]

Your dad is so abusive about this that I just think you should leave him behind. I don't see him trying at all or that he'll change and think you don't want his toxicity in your life.

[Melrose78]

Your dad is so abusive about this that I just think you should leave him behind. I don't see him trying at all or that he'll change and think you don't want his toxicity in your life.

 

I do agree. I've tried. Too many times. It's mum I want to see. I might ask a friend who knows my parents if she could call him and ask for her carers number. She use to go out twice a week for a few hours. Another friend saw Mum (she thinks. Mum looks nothing like she did even 5 years ago) with a carer. So fingers crossed she still is. Maybe atleast vthen I can spend time with her before it's too late.

[alphamale]

pray to God

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm so very sorry for all of your heartache .

[LivingWaterPlease]

I have such amazing, supportive friend. They have all been there for me.

I may ask one of my best friends to speak to my dad. At least if we can find out who her carer is that takes her out twice a week, I can meet up with them somewhere.

 

My dad won't agree to mediation or counseling. His response for so long is everything is everyone else's fault...When I told my dad about my younger brothers abuse he didn't care.

 

I've done counseling myself. On and Off since I was 19. I know now the patterns I use to follow.

 

This post sheds a lot of light on your thread, Melrose. I am so so sorry you're facing this heartbreaking situation. In your place for the time being I would draw closer to your wonderful friends and distance myself from your father and brothers. But, only you can make that decision for yourself and I'd imagine as you've worked with your counselor you've come to some conclusions about how to relate to your father and brothers.

 

Re: your mother. The idea of getting one of your friends to help find your mother's caretaker seems like a good idea to me.

 

alpha suggested above to pray and I second that advice. You may already be doing that.

 

A book you may enjoy reading is called, "The Sociopath Next Door." You may learn some things from it but more than that I believe it will be comforting to you to be able to identify classic sociopathic behavior and get tips on how to cope with it.

 

That book is fantastic, especially for those who have had to cope with sociopathic family patterns all of their lives and have felt alone, and been persecuted within their own families for no reason at all except for the fact that the sociopath needs an outlet for his/her issues.

[HisDaughter]

I am very sorry too! And I am very glad you have been in counseling. It can help a lot. I prayed for you. God bless you!