Is this grounds for breaking up?

[nadineblack]

We went out last weekend, my bf [M31] wanted to do MDMA but I [F32] wasn't feeling it. My grandmother passed away 2 months ago and I've been struggling. I didn't think it would be good for my mental health.

 

 

We don't do this often, maybe 2-3 times in a year on a big night out.

 

 

 

He said "fine, but I'm going to do some anyway". I asked him if he minded not taking anything because it's a bit boring to be out clubbing with someone who is high. He said he was going to take it anyway and asked me a few times if I just wanted to do half a pill. I caved and said yes. I landed up in A&E with what might have been an allergic reaction to it, the doctors don't know.

 

 

We have another club night coming up in 3 weeks time. I asked him if he was going to do it again and he said yes. I asked if he would mind going out and not doing anything. He said no and that I don't have to anything if I don't want to. I tried to explain that it's not nice to be out with a group and be the ONLY one who's sober. He said he sees no issue with that but that if I don't want to go, he can give my ticket to someone else.

 

 

Am I being unreasonable in asking him to not take MDMA every time we go out? Especially given what I've been going through (grief)? Is this grounds for breaking up?

[LivingWaterPlease]

I don't know what MDMA is but I wouldn't date someone who takes drugs in the first place.

 

Yes, I'd break up with him for doing it at anytime. However, you ask if it's grounds for breaking up.

 

Nadineblack, any reason under the sun is grounds for breaking up if you feel it is. Breaking up is not some type of punishment. Breaking up is warranted when there is incompatibility that makes one uncomfortable and isn't likely to be overcome.

[SumGuy]

I know what MDMA is and have no fundamental problem with people doing it.

 

But it’s BS he can’t respect you and be there with you sober. If he can’t have fun clubbing without it, even with you there, it’s a bad sign on many levels but certainly relationship wise.

 

Also I wouldn’t touch or trust whatever he is getting if it gave you a bad reaction.

 

For me this completely justifiable reason to breakup..

I’m thinking this is a “Don't let me down” moment ala the Chainsmokers song.

[Gaeta]

When a man lacks empathy and cannot support you during a difficult grieving time - it's time to breakup. This man is only interested in his own fun.

[mark clemson]

You don't need our blessing to break up with a guy. It's totally up to you. It sounds like you are (understandably) very upset and feeling unsupported but also having mixed feelings (about leaving him).

 

If you're doing Ecstacy/Molly, I'm guessing you're in your 20's, correct? Sometimes there are "IKEA relationships" that don't stand the test of times during those years. (Actually I guess that can happen in any life decade technically). Anyhow, it sounds like he's not understanding how he needs to be supportive for you right now instead of just focusing on fun. So, in terms of being a good BF, he is not prioritizing you or just doesn't fully understand where you are at psychologically. Perhaps you need to more firmly communicate just where your head is at right now?

[d0nnivain]

You don't need justification to break up. You can break up because today is Friday or the sky is blue.

 

Personally I don't date people who do illegal drugs. Apparently that is not your issues. But since you asked him not to & instead he pressured you & is now pressuring you more so much that it looks like this is going to be a regular thing, him taking MDMA whenever you go clubbing as opposed to the 2-3 times per year it used to be, it sounds like he is picking the drug over you.

[preraph]

it's ecstacy. Your lifestyle doesn't line up with his and for some reason, that really bugs him, so I don't know why you'd stay and let him insist you take street drugs when they are so dangerous these days and can land you in jail. Look, I'm an old hippie and did everything in the book, but the chances of getting something bad and poisonous out there these days is huge. If anyone mixes fentanyl with anything, even touching it can kill some people. They've had police K9s die from just smelling it. People peddling drugs these days care nothing about anything except making money. It's dangerous. And if you and your bf get stopped by police and police suspect you're high, they call in the K9s, which are trained to smell out all kinds of drugs and they can smell even the tiniest bit of residue, too.

 

This isn't your guy. I don't mind a partier, but I never let anyone TELL me what to take and when to take it and neither should anyone else!

[BaileyB]

I don’t date someone who does drugs.

 

And, I don’t take drugs. The possibility that the drug could be mixed with fentanyl makes it a really risky thing to do.

 

Edited to say, you can break up with him because he is a bad dresser or you don’t like the way he kisses. There is nothing saying you have to stay with a man when you don’t feel heard, supported, or interested. For most people, illegal drug use would be an automatic deal breaker - do not pass go and do not collect $100.

 

I’m sorry about the loss of your grandmother. What do you think she would say about this boyfriend, who is doing illegal drugs every weekend? Just something to consider - I’m sure she would want the best for you and a drug using boyfriend who may be pressuring you to use/be around drug culture is probably not something she would want for you...

Edited November 15, 2019 by BaileyB

[major_merrick]

You shouldn't date somebody who uses drugs every time you go out. I know that MDMA is supposed to be a "party" drug, but you can party just fine without it. He hasn't figured out that parties are fun because of the people you're with, and not what you're taking.

I'll be open about this - I am a former drug user. It is perfectly valid to tell a partner "You can have the drugs or you can have me. Your choice." I went clean because I found a relationship that was important to me and I didn't want to mess it up. The relationship was enough to take away the pain that I was trying to take away with drugs.

 

I don't think your partner has reached the point where he can get clean. It has to be his choice. Lay out your feelings, let him choose. If he won't choose, walk away.

[snowboy91]

Ultimately it's his decision as to whether or not he does MDMA. You have your reasons for preferring not to do it yourself (mental health - very fair), and your reason for asking him not to do it (being left out).

 

I'd step back and think about it more broadly - do you enjoy big nights out yourself? If you do, do you prefer to stay sober? Or prefer just to have a few beers? Or would happily have other substances when your mental health is good?

 

I think there are two important things to consider here - whether your ways of enjoying life are compatible, and whether he is able to support you in times of grief. It's your decision whether you want to continue in a relationship with this guy, but it's always worth stepping back and looking more broadly rather than focus on one thing.

[Mr. Lucky]

We don't do this often, maybe 2-3 times in a year on a big night out.

 

I don’t do MDMA though it’s certainly prevalent in the club culture where I live.

 

But I guess I feel differently than others - isn’t breaking up with him over this twice yearly disagreement extreme?

 

If the relationship is good the other 363 days a year, on those nights I’d stay home or occupy yourself otherwise. Seems a small thing for such a big reaction...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

But I guess I feel differently than others - isn’t breaking up with him over this twice yearly disagreement extreme?

 

I believe they have done it together twice yearly, but he apparently wants to get high more often.

 

Am I being unreasonable in asking him to not take MDMA every time we go out?

Edited November 17, 2019 by BaileyB

[SumGuy]

I don’t do MDMA though it’s certainly prevalent in the club culture where I live.

 

But I guess I feel differently than others - isn’t breaking up with him over this twice yearly disagreement extreme?

 

If the relationship is good the other 363 days a year, on those nights I’d stay home or occupy yourself otherwise. Seems a small thing for such a big reaction...

 

Mr. Lucky

I read it that she has done it with him but she was not in the headspace to do it recently due to tragedy in her family.

 

Besides being a D-bag move on his part (regardless if it was a legal drug or anything else) it is certainly the height of a D-bag move in hallucinogenic drug culture.

Edited November 17, 2019 by SumGuy

[Mr. Lucky]

Besides being a D-bag move on his part

 

If he’s supportive of her attempts to deal with loss the rest of the time, her attempts to dictate these very occasional nights out seem a bit controlling.

 

YMMV ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SumGuy]

Yah my mind does vary on this. It’s a matter of degree to me. What she is going through now is one of those true be there moments in a relationship where you put aside your personal party preference and be there for your girlfriend.

 

If this was her preference after a bad week at work I’d say it’s overreaching, but here it is a death in the family. Kind of up there in major depressing life events.

 

It’s also to me just D-bag hallucinogenic drug culture behavior. You never pressure anyone to do them, even if all is hunky dory, but you never ever pressure someone dealing with a life tragedy.

 

It’s very much the situation, the context, that makes his behavior over the line for me. It’s not the behavior of a boyfriend, maybe a FWB.