I need reprogramming

[km]

I need re-programming. Here’s my pattern:

 

Husband gets caught lying, or ethical misdeeds, or doing something generally mean or risky or stupid. I get angry and either blow up or try to reason with him. I get immature reaction back (yelling, blaming, laughing, ignoring). I, partly out of self-defense and partly, I admit, in an attempt to “punish” him and get him to realize he’s been an ass and – I always hope – apologize, give him the silent treatment. It’s not always on purpose, sometimes it just happens that I don’t want to be around him or talk to him, but other times it’s designed to punish. It is stupid, I know.

 

Unfortunately, he’s narcissistic enough that he – almost every time – manages to turn it back on me. HE gives ME the silent treatment in return, as if the situation is MY FAULT. As if I am the bad person for getting angry with him, even though he’s the one who lied or risked our relationship or financial health in some way. And then, because I prefer harmony in my home, I almost always make the initial movement towards returning to normal in the relationship. I may start the first conversation or give him a hug.

 

Also unfortunately, this is sucking the love out of me. I resent this. Deeply. He doesn’t get it, doesn’t see it, doesn’t care, I don’t know.

 

So my question to the men out there is – do you get why he does this? Can anyone explain his motivation for punishing ME for pointing out that he’s been “bad?” I'm guessing it's a childlike behavior designed to divert attention from the fact that he's a screw-up.

 

And, to the women: what alternative behavior can I use, both when I discover the “violation” and when I find myself being punished for his behavior?

[westernxer]

You're with the wrong guy.

[whichwayisup]

I agree with Westy.

 

He is issues and is completely selfish and immature.

 

Do you love him enough to keep dealing with this crap? If he won't fix his behaviour, go to marriage counselling or something, then maybe you need to re-think the marriage. Is he worth it? Does the bad outweigh the good?

[Craig]

Why would anyone be with someone that lies, is unethical, is mean and takes stupid risks?

[km]

Sorry -- I didn't make clear that, just as often as he lies, or does something I consider unethical, or is mean -- just as often as that, he can be considerate, compassionate, sweet, go out of his way to do nice things you didn't ask him to do, responsible, hard-working... He's Jekyll and Hyde, and we have phases where there's more Jekyll than Hyde, and vice-versa... And so, just when I'll be reaching the end of the rope with Hyde (he's the bad one, right?), Jekyll will come back for an extended period of time. And I have a short, and selective memory, unfortunately for me. So I need ways to "get through" the Hyde, and get back to the Jekyll, until I decide that I can't do this anymore.

 

I was raised in a dysfunctional household, with a bad marriage as my only example of marriage. I find it impossible to believe that any marriage is all good. (If this is possible, than I am seriously cheating myself.) This is why I'm willing (for now) to take the down with the up, the bad with the good, the mean with the nice, the Hyde with the Jekyll.

[whichwayisup]

Do a search here on LS on Narcissists. There are about 4 or 5 threads about it. Also, do a google search about it too.

 

I think you're hubby is one by the sounds of it.

 

Marriage CAN be good, with the right person. Sorry for your dysfunctional upbringing, but the fact you're aware that it WAS dysfunctional, you gotta know there's alot of good outthere. Maybe some one on one therapy for you could help change your thinking habits and help you.

[slubberdegullion]

Both of you need to grow up.

 

If you're blowing up at him, then following up with the cold shoulder, that's hardly what I call mature behaviour. No wonder he acts like a petulant little kid; that's how you treat him.

 

Obviously what you're doing isn't working, so there's not much point in continuing to do the same, is there?

 

The good news is that it's not too late.

 

By your own admission, you grew up in a dysfunctional household (brief aside: I have yet to hear of one non-dysfunctional household, just different degrees of dysfunctionality). So your marriage patterns are based on a damaged template, even if his marriage pattern was nothing short of Ozzie-and-Harriet perfect.

 

A missing piece of the puzzle, though, is exactly what he's doing wrong. Is he endangering himself or others? Is he cheating? Or is he just doing things that are of no real consequence, but just happen to rub you the wrong way?

 

Seek counselling first. And find a good one. There are few things more damaging than a misinformed or incompetent counsellor (and there are LOTS of them!).

 

Good luck!