Wife has a BF, can’t quit on my family

[Bigmouth29]

Hey everyone,

 

So I drove from my house the other day after I put my kids to bed and wife came home, parked my truck in an empty lot and proceeded to sob uncontrollably. I realized at that time that I had alienated everyone close to me and I was, in fact, and island. I’m posting here because I feel very much alone and I feel like I’m losing my grip. Idk what else to do anymore.

 

My wife has a boyfriend. Has had one for a couple months now. He’s almost 10 years younger, not very attractive (her opinion) but is still causing me so much grief. She told me about him about 1.5 months ago and told me that her interest in this guy made her realize that our marriage is over and she’s ready to move on. I convinced her to stay in our house with our two young kids through the holidays, but she refuses to stop seeing him.

 

2 years ago it came out that I was having an affair. A woman I met through work expressed an extreme interest in me, more than my wife ever did, and after months of wearing me down, I was weak. After years of feeling like a paycheck, and years of feeling like I was never worth anything to my wife, I had found someone who valued me far more than I was worth. The affair was discovered after the birth of my second child, and I, in turn, had a rebirth. I won’t get into the personal changes I went through, but for the last 2 years I turned off the world and worked to build the most perfect life for my family. I was super dad, super husband, and I worked hard enough at my job to earn several prestigious positions and a name for myself within the community. My family wants for NOTHING. I cook dinner, I clean the house, I work 70-80 hour weeks to make my world as comfortable as it can be. My wife recognized this, and was very thankful for my time and effort. But despite this, as well as the confidence to say in from of our marriage counselor that she believes rhat I would never ever hurt her again... here we are.

 

I’ve been trying to work with my wife on being friends again. Tag teaming our home and being the best teammates we can be. We still go out together and with the kids, sleep in the same bed (when I’m not working) and have “dates”, but she’s gone.

 

I guess my problem is that I can’t give up. I try to convince her that it’s worth fighting for. That what she’s feeling in this moment, isn’t every moment ( because being honest, I know exactly where her heads at, been there). I feel like she’s making a big mistake, but obviously my insight is biased. I feel like the cost is so high to just quit, but she can’t see past the fact rhat someone is making her happy, and she doesn’t have to hate him at the same time.

 

Do I need to leave? Do I need to just give up? It’s hurts so bad, everyday, all the time. My kids are my world, and just the thought I can’t tuck them in every night breaks my heart. I want to hang on, but I’m so tired and I don’t know how to bring her back. We have a good life and I don’t want it to go away. Sorry for the novel, I clearly need more friends.

[FMW]

Your infidelity might have broken something for her that can't be fixed - no matter how much of a superhusband and superdad you've become. She was clearly vulnerable to being wooed away and let it happen.

 

For now I think you have to believe her that she's done with your marriage. Don't beg, don't cling. Give her some space. That's probably the only way she will possibly have a change of mind.

 

But I think you have to prepare yourself that your marriage is over. Both of you turning to other people is an indication that maybe the marriage was never the best connection for either of you.

[Bigmouth29]

Just knowing my wife... she’s so impulsive that I feel like I need to patient with her right now. Like I should ride this out until she comes around. It’s hard to explain, but we really are best friends. We make a great team and I feel like we never worked on ourselves romantically.

 

I’m well aware this is still my fault. When my affair came to light, it was mostly because I was trying to end things and recommit to my family. The other woman didn’t like that. But that was my endgame... I never wanted to leave, I just was selfishly looking to fill a void in myself. My wife on the other hand... wants to run. I’m just afraid that if she makes me go through this whole separation and possibly divorce, I won’t be able to come back from that.

 

Scared, hurt, confused, frustrated, depressed ugh

[FMW]

Your feelings are understandable.

 

Sadly, many people divorce. Most do go on to love someone else, very often in a much happier relationship. If you have to "come back" from that, you will.

 

But for now, take it one step and one day at a time.

[DKT3]

Your wife is just as responsible for her affair as you are for yours and dont let anyone especially her convince you otherwise

 

Odds are this guy isnt mr right. Most likely just some dude who showed her attention.

 

The best thing you can do is to move on as if your marriage is over. 8f your wife comes around great if not you're already on the right path.

[FMW]

I’m well aware this is still my fault.

 

Your wife's infidelity is NOT your fault. The fact that you had your own affair just allowed her to let go easier and move on.

 

My kids are my world, and just the thought I can’t tuck them in every night breaks my heart. ......We have a good life and I don’t want it to go away.

 

What are your feelings about her, in your personal one-on-one relationship? Are you afraid of losing her specifically or is it primarily what comes along with that - having your children with you every night and the "good life" that you have as a married couple?

 

Every situation is different, not all men are the same, not all women are the same. But it seems men are more likely to hold on to their marriages because of what they represent, regardless of what's lacking in their personal relationship with their wife. Women are more likely to prioritize the personal relationship.

[mark clemson]

Sorry to hear that you're in this situation.

 

You might do some internet research on the "sunken costs fallacy" as you consider next steps, just to shine a light on whatever portion of your decision making/reasoning is impacted by that effect. (This is not specific advice on what to do about your overall situation.)

[Bigmouth29]

I love my wife to death. Both she and the kids are my reasons for sacrificing like I do. They are the reason that I dedicated the last 2 years to fixing myself so I could be better for them. They are the ones that deserve to have this man. I feel like maybe I’ll never get the chance to be anything other than the man that cheated and lost everything.

 

Of course I want my kids around, of course I want my wife around. I want to be someone they can look at and respect. Because I haven’t been.

[Mr. Lucky]

I want to be someone they can look at and respect. Because I haven’t been.

 

I'm afraid my friend, actions have consequences, this applies equally to both of you.

 

You do a lot more descriptive rationalizing in your first post of your own infidelity than you do of hers. Yours was inevitable, hers is willful. Somehow this has made you think, having 'recovered' from yours, you can fix hers.

 

You may need to channel your energy into being the best separated and/or divorced partner and father you can be and find some peace with that.

 

Sorry you find yourself here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mrin]

Divorced father here. No infidelity involved so I can't help you there. But wanted you to know a few things:

 

1. Divorce can be pretty freaking great for the family. It is what you make of it. I had what most people would think of as a great marriage. Best friends. But only fiends and eventually friendship was not enough. So it isn't like my girls were coming out a bad home life. Divorce has been great for us. I'm a much better father and closer than ever with my girls.

 

2. Post divorce life can be really great for you. It is a chance to continue the reinvention of yourself. Sounds like you're already on that path.

 

3. You don't have to lose your wife's friendship if you break up. It is up to you guys.

 

4. You can't make her stay. Sorry. You just can't. She'll hate you for it if you try.

 

5. You have to let her go if you want any chance of getting her back. Trust me. She needs to step to the edge of the precipice on her own before deciding to turn back.

 

6. She probably won't turn back and you have to be ok with that. When women are "done" they're usually really done. The fact that she's already sleeping with another man right in front of you (figuratively) means she's probably really done. Most women wouldn't be able to respect you again after that. Or themselves of they stayed with you.

 

Best of luck,

 

Mrin

[schlumpy]

Your lack of action points to very little hope that your wife will change her mind. As Mrin said - she has lost respect for you. You want her to change her behavior but behaviors will not change without consequences.

 

The first thing you do is see a lawyer and file for divorce. That is the consequence you will use as leverage. You can stop it at any time. Have her served in the most inconvenient place you can manage. If they are workplace lovers that should suffice. Maybe you can time it when they are out for dinner. If she breaks into tears it may drive a small psychological wedge between them.

 

Cut her off financially immediately. Let her cheat on her on dime. Separate accounts and credit cards.

 

If you state allows you to file for adultery then get a PI on the two love birds so you can minimize her divorce settlement with lots of pictures. Don't look at the pictures if want to get back together with her.

 

Gather intel on Mr. Lover. If married then out him to his wife. If a workplace affair and there is a anti-fraternization policy, complain to their HR department. Maybe youi can get him fired. He has also has to understant there consquences to dating a married woman. Do a background check and see if he has a police record or is in debt. The more you know, the better chance that you can find a weakness to exploit.

 

Change the beneficiaries on your medical and life insurance policies immediatly.

 

Quit talking and quit seeing your wife. The only contact will be if the children are involved.

 

If you can manage to do this the odds are still against you but you seem determined to try.

 

There is program called the 180 that you can find on the Chumplady's website. It may be of use to you.

 

You don't have to be vengeful, nasty or full of rage but you do have to purposeful so that she knows you are serious.

 

Your alternative is to do nothing and hope that once the glow wears off she will turn back to you. I think this smells like an exit affair which makes it more likely she will move on to someone else.

 

Don't let your own guilt cripple you and make you ineffective.

[Bigmouth29]

I don’t want anything to get twisted. I only rationalize my own actions because I can’t be in her head enough to rationalize hers. Otherwise I’m sure I’d be giving her every excuse in the book.

 

She’s not sleeping with this guy, I can say that confidently. Just meeting for a meal and talking on the phone a lot.

 

I honestly feel bad for her, and all these “steps” you guys/girls have proposed, I have thought of (with a few exceptions, thank you very much), and it scares the **** out of me. Like if I start acting this way, she will get nasty and then I will be forced to as well. Being in a VERY liberal state that consistently screws fathers in divorces, this makes me nervous.

 

She’s like a roller coaster, so I’m afraid to act while she’s on a low and then miss any possible highs that could be constructive.

 

My wife does not drink. We have had one drink together in 8 years. Last night she went out with her cousin and a few friends and came home drunk. Granted it would only take one drink, she was in rare form. Begging me to call out of work so we can “cuddle” and watching my mouth as we spoke like she was holding back kissing me. Then we made plans to go out dancing tonight and we are.

 

I don’t feel like I’m being delusional in thinking that she isn’t as settled in this as she wants me and everyone to believe. Maybe I am, maybe I need one of you to slap me across the face with some tough love.

[mark clemson]

Have her served in the most inconvenient place you can manage. If they are workplace lovers that should suffice. Maybe you can time it when they are out for dinner. If she breaks into tears it may drive a small psychological wedge between them.

 

 

Respectfully (and esp. in consideration of other very good advice posted) I would only do something like this if you want to risk building animosity or possibly HATRED on the part of your STB-xW. This may or may not break the way intended.

 

I would add that a small handful of states allow you to sue an AP if there is a divorce. So, that may be an option to recoup some of your losses if you divorce and decide that "compensation" is needed.

[mark clemson]

Ah, crossed posts - apologies!

[schlumpy]

I don’t want anything to get twisted. I only rationalize my own actions because I can’t be in her head enough to rationalize hers. Otherwise I’m sure I’d be giving her every excuse in the book

 

I'm not urging you to do anything that goes against your character. What's the point in getting to other side of this problem is you've left your integrity behind as a result?

 

It's your call as to what you are willing to gamble but trying to nice your wife back falls within the category of same and similar.

 

While you are waiting, I suggest you read other similar threads on this forum and see if you can find something useful that will help you.

 

I hope you get what you want.

[mark clemson]

I don’t feel like I’m being delusional in thinking that she isn’t as settled in this as she wants me and everyone to believe. Maybe I am, maybe I need one of you to slap me across the face with some tough love.

 

We can't read your wife's mind any better than you can, but clearly if she's started monkeybranching and doesn't even bother to hide it from you things aren't looking too good. You need to face that.

[Mr. Lucky]

clearly if she's started monkeybranching and doesn't even bother to hide it from you things aren't looking too good.

 

Amen.

 

She’s not sleeping with this guy, I can say that confidently. Just meeting for a meal and talking on the phone a lot.

 

You might not want to bet the ranch on that.

 

Bigmouth29, your situation not really much different than many other infidelity-driven divorce threads. Your wife is in "selfish survival" mode so all previous bets are off. You can play the long game and try to wait her out, but be prepared to spend substantial emotional capital in the form of pain, heartbreak and confusion in doing so.

 

90+% of the time, guys who lawyered up in your situation came out ahead...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Bigmouth29]

So no one truly believes that this is something we can bounce back from? I mean, I guess it’s what I needed to hear, but man I’m struggling over here.

 

So here’s the next/bigger question... do I stop wearing my ring

[FMW]

Wearing your ring or not is A question, but not a bigger one. Deciding what action to take is the biggest question for you now.

 

Wearing the ring is symbolic. I continued wearing mine even though I was fairly sure I was heading toward divorce for many months. When I finally told my husband I'd made my choice and definitely wanted to divorce, that's when I stopped wearing my ring. It's a personal decision, only you know what feels right for you.

[Mrin]

So no one truly believes that this is something we can bounce back from? I mean, I guess it’s what I needed to hear, but man I’m struggling over here.

 

So here’s the next/bigger question... do I stop wearing my ring

 

Honestly that's sort of like asking "do I cancel the DirectTV?" when you're considering whether to take a job in a different city. The answer is, it depends on what you decided.

 

I get where the question is coming from but it is cart before horse. This is what I'd do if I were you. First I would go meet with a lawyer. Then I'd sit your wife down and talk about the future. I'd tell her that you want to set a timeline:

 

1. When to tell the kids

2. What to tell the kids

3. When she is moving out. What stuff is she taking.

4. How finances will work (your atty will help on this)

5. Who will file for divorce and when (your atty will help on this)

6. Lawyer up or not?

7. Expectations of other people meeting the kids. How long? What's the process? Etc

 

This conversation with immediately snap your wife into reality. The ramifications of that conversation will be felt over the course of the next couple of weeks. The ring question? Probably after you tell the kids. Or after she moves out.

[Bigmouth29]

I kind of being sarcastic with that last “bigger” question thing. I know it seems trivial, but I feel like it says a lot whether I wear it or not.

 

As in, despite what she’s doing, and the fact that I, and many people are aware of what she is doing, it speaks volumes if I still have my ring on. I feel naked without it and it really sucks to have to take it off. It automatically becomes a conversation piece, either with me or around me.

 

I don’t think I’m ready for all this. I’m stressing over the smallest **** and I can’t bring myself to talk about the big stuff.

[S2B]

She cheated too - and with purpose. She’s purposely being cruel. Think about that.

 

You’ve let her off the hook for her betrayal. I wouldn’t.

 

Stop being HER doormat.

 

I’d make it hard for her to earn YOUR trust back at this point. You’ve made it so she doesn’t have to be a great wife to continue being married to you.

 

Let her move to an apartment. Earn her own money and cook and clean after working all day long.

 

Stop spoiling her when she is treating you terribly. Have you spoken to the counselor about you doing this?

 

Start taking care of YOURSELF and your kids. If your wife intends to be a decent wife she can earn it by changing and doing more within the marriage. Actions show change. She’s only shown she will use you when you allow it.

 

File for divorce. If she earns back your trust you can cancel the D.

[Mr. Lucky]

So no one truly believes that this is something we can bounce back from?

 

Filing for divorce doesn’t mean there’s no “bounce back”.

 

Good grief OP, your wife is dating another man while she’s living with you, a pretty big statement about your relationship.

 

And that statement needs a response, one that says you’ll work to rebuild, but only if it’s a joint effort. Often the looming possibility of divorce is the only thing getting a ‘distracted’ partner to the table.

 

Right now, your actions say you’ll put up with anything. Time for a different message...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

You seem to want it to work no matter how much crow you have to eat.

 

If your wife can address her truth with you so you two can work on things then maybe it could get better.

 

But as long as you have to swallow all your pride to be with her - that’s not gonna work in a healthy manner.

[Bigmouth29]

I guess I’m just surprised to hear everyone saying that my indiscretions do not warrant any atonement in this fashion. I’ve always thought that even if there was a small chance that we could keep the family together it would be worth pain I feel now.

 

I’ve always been willing to do anything and everything for my kids and my family, does this stop now when we are at our lowest? If there was going to be one person who was going to keep fighting when everyone else gave up it was always going to be me. I hear you guys, and I don’t disagree. I just find it hard to... well... give up. I’ve been working so hard and fighting so long that it honestly feels like I’ve wasted years of my life if I just roll over.

 

This being said, I know what’s happening has to stop, one way or another. Guess I was just hoping for a miracle, but that’s most of life I think.