Wife has a BF, can’t quit on my family

[Mr. Lucky]

I guess I’m just surprised to hear everyone saying that my indiscretions do not warrant any atonement in this fashion.

 

You atone within the bounds of the marriage, by being a good husband and father. Redemption doesn’t come from standing by while your partner destroys the relationship.

 

You don’t right your wrong by accepting hers...

 

Mr. Lucky

[salparadise]

You need to quit playing the "pick me, please-please-please" game. You're throwing away all of your self-respect, and if you don't respect yourself enough to say "I won't allow it," then how do you think she could ever respect you?

 

She's not on your team anymore. The nice guy schtick is just making it comfortable for her to treat you like a schmuck. You have to bring this to a tipping point, and you have to be willing to lose to have any chance of reconciling. You have to make her realize what she's about to lose. Right now she's enjoying having her cake and eating it too.

 

Your own mental and emotional health is going to deteriorate fast if you don't stand up for yourself. She's not going to say, "oh he's being so nice, so I think I'll quit treating him like a doormat. Nope. You have to refuse to be treated this way.

[PegNosePete]

Being in a VERY liberal state that consistently screws fathers in divorces, this makes me nervous.

All the more reason to see a lawyer SOONER rather than later. You don't have to file for divorce tomorrow or the next day, but the sooner you get advice, the sooner you'll be prepared for the journey which most likely lies ahead. Many lawyers do a free initial consultation and you can get a lot of good advice, so there's really no reason not to do it.

 

Like if I start acting this way, she will get nasty and then I will be forced to as well.

Don't confuse nasty with confident, assertive, or sticking up for your rights! There is nothing nasty about getting a fair deal, even if you have to fight for it. You don't have to make her homeless, file false CPS calls, apply for a restraining order, call the police on her for no reason, email her nude pics to co-workers or anything like that! All those things are nasty. There is nothing nasty about lawyering up, asking for shared parenting responsibilities, a fair asset division, and refusing to be her meal ticket for life.

 

If your wife does come back to you and repents for her cheating then you can always cancel the divorce.

[ABernie]

 

5. You have to let her go if you want any chance of getting her back. Trust me. She needs to step to the edge of the precipice on her own before deciding to turn back.

 

 

All points were spot on for me, but this one most of all.

 

My STBXH did not cheat, but had a huge lie from before we met that he never disclosed that had a huge moral and legal part in our marriage. I didn't find out for 15 years and then realized all the lying and covering up over those years.

 

When I found out, I asked him to leave. To go to his aunt's house. He refused. I know that leaving can look like abandonment and that's probably why he didn't, but I think this was the worst thing he did. All of the anger I had festered. I had to see him and just being in the same house was awful. Looking back, I think the only chance we had, was if he had given me a break.

 

Now every person and couple is different. If I had an AP at that point, the break may have fostered that relationship. There's no way to predict and why hindsight is 20/20.

[mark clemson]

I guess I’m just surprised to hear everyone saying that my indiscretions do not warrant any atonement in this fashion.

 

As stated, you "atoning" doesn't mean her having a revenge or exit affair. If her sleeping with someone is part of any atonement (and I think few women actually think that way) then it gets discussed and agreed to by you, not simply done unilaterally.

 

If you do lawyer up, do initial consults with a few of them. This lets you shop around for one you like/trust and get more of your questions answered as you think of them. You can also compare answers.

 

Not all lawyers play fully straight with clients; in particular, they may suggest things that undermine the already strained relationship so you end up hating each other and "don't mind" spending a few thousand extra dollars to get back at each other via the legal system. For any recommended action, think of how it may be received by her. They may also take a long and winding path to the negotiating table, rather than just heading straight there, when very often that's where you end up anyhow. Of course, the point of all this is to make more money.

 

You also no doubt want to save some evidence of her current affair in case its relevant in your state. Be a bit cautious with this as, since you had one yourself, any legal action you take predicated on it presumably can be reciprocated by her, assuming there are no limitations issue or similar constraint.

[PegNosePete]

If you do lawyer up, do initial consults with a few of them. This lets you shop around for one you like/trust and get more of your questions answered as you think of them. You can also compare answers.

Yes, definitely! Another side effect is that once you've consulted a lawyer, even for a free consult, they can't advise her due to conflict of interest rules. So make sure to see all the best ones in the area for a free consult

 

Not all lawyers play fully straight with clients ... Of course, the point of all this is to make more money.

Yes, there are a few Saul Goodmans around but the vast majority are not like that. In fact it's part of their bar oath that they must always act in the best interests of their clients and that includes keeping their own fees to a minimum. Lawyers make a lot so they generally prefer to keep it simple and get it done and dusted and move on to the next, rather than squeezing a client and making the case complicated and stressful. But yeah, there are a few exceptions, which is why it's important to see more than 1.

[AMarriedMan]

On 11/16/2019 at 4:37 PM, mark clemson said:

 

 

Respectfully (and esp. in consideration of other very good advice posted) I would only do something like this if you want to risk building animosity or possibly HATRED on the part of your STB-xW. This may or may not break the way intended.

 

I would add that a small handful of states allow you to sue an AP if there is a divorce. So, that may be an option to recoup some of your losses if you divorce and decide that "compensation" is needed.

 

It's funny that an AP of a spouse cannot be sued by the betrayed spouse in every state or country in the entire world. It is as if the liberal parts of the world were deliberately sabotaging marriage as an institution. Anything goes and screw the fathers. That's a recipe for incentives to shift in such a way as to teach generations of men not to be involved in the lives of their biological children or not to have them at all. There most likely isn't a conspiracy behind any of this but if there were, it was probably to wipe out Western civilization. Because that's how you do it: break up families and deprive children of paternal care and guidance. 

Edited December 18, 2019 by AMarriedMan
clean up grammar

[mark clemson]

Dunno - it's problematic. It's hard to prove and/or quantify emotional pain (although it's certainly quite real). And of course I could tell my spouse I was ok with an open marriage and then she cheats and if she happens to cheat with some well-off person I change my mind and get to sue them. So it's somewhat ripe for exploitation (not that many things aren't). It's also the courts imposing someone else's morality on the AP (again in a case where the damage is hard to quantify, unlike theft or murder). 

 

That of course needs to be balanced against the very real damage that is often done, but in a way I'm not surprised most states leave it alone. It's hard to prove that (in reality) "the affair caused the end of the marriage".  Indeed it's often true, but were there other causes?  Hard to prove one way or the other. Think it's problematic legally.

Edited December 18, 2019 by mark clemson

[preraph]

Once someone cheats on you, you lose trust not only in that person but in people in general and it can actually diminish your ability to ever love fully again. Even if you want to you can't. So emotionally that's what you're up against. 

 

So she went off getting her emotional needs filled and probably with a guy she's really not that into because you kept ever do that again because she can't have trust in you. 

 

You two are just not on the same page such that you can agree to just be a team. Emotions always get in the way of anything that rational. That said, you have children together so you will both have to learn to maintain some sort of barebones civility to get through that.

[schlumpy]

31 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Dunno - it's problematic. It's hard to prove and/or quantify emotional pain (although it's certainly quite real). And of course I could tell my spouse I was ok with an open marriage and then she cheats and if she happens to cheat with some well-off person I change my mind and get to sue them. So it's somewhat ripe for exploitation (not that many things aren't). It's also the courts imposing someone else's morality on the AP (again in a case where the damage is hard to quantify, unlike theft or murder). 

 

That of course needs to be balanced against the very real damage that is often done, but in a way I'm not surprised most states leave it alone. It's hard to prove that (in reality) "the affair caused the end of the marriage".  Indeed it's often true, but were there other causes?  Hard to prove one way or the other. Think it's problematic legally.

They could set up damage limits to control the scammers. Just enough money to make the AP think twice.

[gaius]

I think you might be mixing up what you need to assuage your guilt with what she needs from a husband. You talk about how you're fixing yourself so that your wife and children can look up to you, but your wife got with you for the man you were then. Not a man to look up to. That might be what she needs.

 

If you really want her back I would stop with all the atonement and go back to being the man you were when you got together. And then begin separation. Tell her you still want her but not with the boyfriend around. She gets rid of him or you get rid of her. It might take a short period of you following through with your threat to make her come around. Or maybe she won't. But one sure thing is that if you continue to be this weak and accepting of the situation she will never come around. No woman wants a cuck.

[2BGoodAgain]

On 11/18/2019 at 5:00 AM, Bigmouth29 said:

I guess I’m just surprised to hear everyone saying that my indiscretions do not warrant any atonement in this fashion. I’ve always thought that even if there was a small chance that we could keep the family together it would be worth pain I feel now.

 

I’ve always been willing to do anything and everything for my kids and my family, does this stop now when we are at our lowest? If there was going to be one person who was going to keep fighting when everyone else gave up it was always going to be me. I hear you guys, and I don’t disagree. I just find it hard to... well... give up. I’ve been working so hard and fighting so long that it honestly feels like I’ve wasted years of my life if I just roll over.

 

This being said, I know what’s happening has to stop, one way or another. Guess I was just hoping for a miracle, but that’s most of life I think.

 

hi. 

 

I'm you... 2 years ago... 

 

let me just say... even though you may have been the most perfect hub trying to make up for your affair... whether your relationship works or not, is based on her... not you. Yes, you need to do all these things, but it doesn't guarantee anything from her. She's an adult too, so she has to make her own decision about you two. Unfortunately for you, she chose to have an affair of her own... and as much as some may say "karma" or the like... it isn't. She made a mistake, but you are in no position to point that to her. Except that you are still her husband.

 

Her affair may be something more or it may just be what the affair makes her feel that she feels she can't get from you. I've heard of some spouses that were cheated on, who would cheat to understand why it happened... or to get revenge or to balance the relationship, though it's a terrible way to do it.

 

I realize you work a lot, but perhaps, instead of being away so much, you should focus more of your energy on her. But i don't know if it's too late or not. If you do want to fight for it, you can't have a boyfriend around. Act like a husband, not a guy with a guilt trip trying to be understanding...  I'm not saying go crazy and start yelling, but draw boundaries and allow her to make adult decisions about what she wants to do next. 

 

Right now, some of the advice above is spot on... she needs to figure this out.. having said that, there are others who say you should fight hard for your marriage.

 

I believe you truly regret your affair, but regret isn't enough to put together what was broken by you. 

 

If she truly feels a divorce is needed, give it to her. If she thinks that'll make her happy, give her the space to be happy. You're an adult too. You made choices and it has consequences. I hear being an adult means you accept the consequences of your actions, and this may be yours. If you truly love her, then be there for her.. and if this is what she wants, step back. 

 

Live your life, find your happiness... i'm not saying she'll come back to you... but you never know what the future holds... but dont expect it, either.

 

Give her space, live your life, take care of your kids... and let's see what's to come.

 

 

Edited December 20, 2019 by 2BGoodAgain