Should I stay this time, or go for good?

[MBT09]

I’ve been reading this forum for many months and this is my first time posting. I’m desperate to get this off my chest and thankful for this page and all your thoughts. Give it to me straight.

 

My affair with MM began two years ago. We’re both in our late 30’s with similar professional backgrounds although we do not work together, thank God. For me I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship. I had been previously married for 12 years, no children, and I was miserable in my dating experiences since my divorce 5 years ago. MM has been married for 9 years with two young children and is unhappy at home as he claimed there is no love left in his marriage, just obligation.

 

What bonded MM and I was the freedom of expression that we had with each other. I had been unfaithful in my previous marriage, so he was free to express his desires and anguish with zero judgement on my end. And I was free to be open with him with zero pressure of a commitment that I didn’t want at the time. So what began as a fun physical affair quickly turned into a genuine friendship and now we have an emotional bond so solid that, regardless of everything, I know we are the love of each other’s lives.

 

I’ve attempted several times to end the affair. At first it was about guilt. I knew what infidelity felt like from my own experiences in my past marriage and although I could empathize with MM I grew to hate that now I was an accessory to and participating in bad behavior. Then I buried the guilt and I began leaving MM, unsuccessfully, due to my fear of being in love with an unavailable man. Now, two years later, I’m wanting to leave because I’m whole heartedly in love with him and when he leaves my home at night to go back to his, with her, I feel like I’m being cheated on. I know, that is crazy. But that’s how I feel and that emotion terrifies me. I don’t have a right to feel that way but we are so enmeshed in each other’s lives, bringing lunch to each other’s work places on the regular, attending parties together, attending funerals together, attending doctors appointments together, spending significant hours of each day together hand in hand, that I’ve grown resentful that I have to send him back home to his wife after letting him in my world in this way. Despite all the love and connection and sharing and talking about our future, that doesn’t stop this quiet little scream in the back of my head that yells this isn’t right. Something isn’t right. He’s still lying to his wife. He’s not spending time with his kids which he cites as the reason for not leaving yet. And he’s laying down seeds and growing roots in my life while keeping me here waiting, asking me to be patient, but with no solid efforts made to show that he’s working towards a future with me. I’m so tired and beyond weary of stifling that scream. I want to let it out and demand that I deserve a chance to be in an honest relationship with the man I love. And it’s him. And because he swears that I’m the woman he wants to be married to, a concerted effort to make that happen needs to start now. It should have started six months ago when we decided there was no one else in the world for us and that we were gonna go down this road together.

 

So I’m attempting to walk away again because I’m afraid and insecure, and it’s different this time. He’s not letting me go freely as he has in the past. And the idea of ever letting another man in my life makes my skin crawl. I’m mourning this breakup harder than my own failed marriage and significant relationships in the past. And I’m seeing a desperate part of MM I never knew existed. It makes me want to run back and comfort him. And it makes me want to stay away out of the fear of hurting him more cause I know I’ll just run away again. And if he is staying for his kids right now then he needs to BE with his kids right now. Right? I’m rambling at this point. My mind is all over the place.

 

I suppose my question is, for anyone who has had a similar experience, will I be doomed to ruin every potential future relationship because of my love for MM? I feel like moving on is pointless if I’m only going to risk bleeding my heartbreak unto someone else. And if that’s the case, then should I just stay with MM and find a way to keep being there for him? He promises to leave, and I foolishly hope that he will, he asks me to be patient, but that he can’t give me a timeline.....and today he left for a two week vacation with his wife and kids that he just couldn’t cancel. I feel beyond hopeless, and lost and angry and dumb. So dumb. I love him. But how far should I go in showing that? How long is too long to wait?

[BaileyB]

I suppose my question is, for anyone who has had a similar experience, will I be doomed to ruin every potential future relationship because of my love for MM? I feel like moving on is pointless if I’m only going to risk bleeding my heartbreak unto someone else.

 

Personally, I think you need to be single for a while. You have made some pretty poor choices in your relationships, and a little bit of self reflection, not in the context of a relationship, would not be a bad thing...

 

I don’t mean that in a judgmental way. Just that self reflection is a good thing, when you are making self destructive choices. Good luck.

Edited November 16, 2019 by BaileyB

[MBT09]

I don’t mean that in a judgmental way. Just that self reflection is a good thing, when you are making self destructive choices. Good luck.

 

I didn’t take that as judgment at all. I really appreciate you saying that because I’ve been spinning the wheels in my head about this for months yet I never once took a step back and said that I’ve made poor choices. It’s 100% true and I need to hear this to help me reframe my thinking on this. Thank you for your input

[LivingWaterPlease]

And I’m seeing a desperate part of MM I never knew existed...I feel like moving on is pointless if I’m only going to risk bleeding my heartbreak unto someone else.

 

You're seeing a desperate part of MM and yet, desperate though he may be, he hasn't been desperate enough to leave for you. What does that say to you?

 

You say you feel moving on is pointless if you're only going to risk bleeding your heartbreak into someone else. Could there be other valid points for moving on besides your own future and relationships?

[spiderowl]

MM has the same story as thousands of other married men. Can't leave because of the kids, no love in the marriage, etc. This not leaving could go on for years more - how many years could you bear?

 

I think you need to get out of this relationship, properly out of it and get him out of sight, mind and contact. It is only after a few months of not being with him that you will be able to see your situation in a clearer way. You may decide then, that you still want him, but although it will be painful, why not give yourself the chance of being able to look at this differently?

 

I haven't been in a relationship with a married man. I have been deeply attached to someone who was less interested in me than I was in him. I waited for messages, phone calls, hung on to emails - it was a ridiculous situation. One day, when I was feeling distressed at not hearing from him for a while, I suddenly realised the pain was outweighing the pleasure! The only way my situation was going to improve was to get out of it, so I did.

 

I know it is not easy, but you really cannot see the wood for the trees when so involved. You cannot see the pangs of pain you are feeling all the time are not normal and not something you 'just have to put up with'. Your mind and body is telling you this is too distressing to continue. Listen to your soul! You are in a hole that you cannot climb out of unless you dump MM. The distress you are feeling at your situation is entirely natural - anyone would feel the same.

 

This guy may be genuine. He may want to be with you 'one day' but at the moment, he is not feeling the pain you are. He has a family to go home to, to go on holiday with, a partner to sleep with and share his thoughts with when he is lonely. He has someone to make him a drink when he's tired or to take a turn with the chores. He is comfortable; you are not. He has you to spend happy times with too. He has zero incentive to change the status quo.

 

You could give him an ultimatum - you know that. What do you think he would decide? How would you feel if he was pressured to leave his wife? I don't think you would feel satisfied with that either. It's a 'damned if you do and damned if you don't' situation.

 

Withdrawal from him would be hard, no doubt about that, but in the end you may find you have a new lease of life and that better options come along. They will not appear while your heart is with him.

Edited November 16, 2019 by spiderowl

[MBT09]

Your mind and body is telling you this is too distressing to continue. Listen to your soul! You are in a hole that you cannot climb out of unless you dump MM. The distress you are feeling at your situation is entirely natural - anyone would feel the same.

 

Thank you for pointing this out. Every day is a fight to push past the discomfort of this situation in order to continue being with him but I also feel overwhelming guilt for turning away from him. He acts like I abandon him in his time of need. He “can’t do this without me”, meaning leave his wife. But all that discomfort I’m feeling is there for a reason, and it’s normal and it’s telling me to do the right thing for everyone involved, and leave.

[BaileyB]

I also feel overwhelming guilt for turning away from him. He acts like I abandon him in his time of need. He “can’t do this without me”, meaning leave his wife. .

 

You don’t really want him to leave his wife for you, do you? Does that feel good, to know that you are the reason why this family is broken? I mean, I know it takes two to tango and “the blame” rests primarily at his feet... But, I ask sincerely, is this really who you want to be?

 

Read these boards, his story is really no different than any other - he doesn’t love her any more, he just can’t leave his kids, he loves you more and he wants you to wait for him... It’s textbook. What’s also textbook - all of these words, as nice as they sound, are little more than manipulation, just as he is attempting to manipulate you when he acts like you are abandoning him. “Don’t leave me. How dare you leave me in my time of need. I can’t do this without you - either stay in a bad marriage, or leave. I can’t do it without you. Feel sorry for me...”

 

Typical affair, hard done by married man can’t possibly survive on his own without his family AND his affair partner. But what about you? His needs are somehow more important than yours? And somehow, this grown man has lost the ability of self determination.

 

Many on these boards will say, if a man is going to leave his wife he is going to do it early in the affair. The longer the affair continues, the less likely he is to leave because there is no incentive to leave - life is too good for him now. He has his family, he maintains his standard of living, and he has another woman to boost him up and soothe his soul.

 

If he does leave his wife, the healthiest way is for him to do it on his own. He needs to make his own decision. He needs to feel the pain. He needs to grieve the loss of his marriage. He needs to set up his own home. He needs to help his children deal with this massive upheaval in their lives. The two of you would be very unwise to move in together for a good length of time after his divorce

 

As tempting as it would be to support him if/when he divorces, you do not want to make it too easy for him. There are so many stories on his board of women who have supported their affair partners only to have the man be consumed with guilt when his wife begs him to stay or his children cry and tell him that they miss him. Men are consumed with regret when they see the pain they have caused the people they love, or perhaps the financial reality of divorce hits hard, and the vast majority of men run home with their tail between their legs. There is one story on this board of a woman who lived with a man for two years, bought a dog with this man, and he still went home to his family.

 

If you can, tell him to find you again when his divorce papers are final. And, find yourself a good counsellor. You are going to need the support. You can also begin the process of examining how you have found yourself in two (possibly three) very unhealthy relationships. Consider this, if he does find you again you will be in a much stronger and healthier place, and he will be available to have an honest relationship. Two wins.

 

I’m sorry, the sarcastic part of me wants to say “poor guy, he can’t leave his wife without you.” My friend, he is on a vacation with his family this week. I hate to say it, but I think he is exactly where he wants to be...

Edited November 16, 2019 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

I have not been in a similar situation to what you describe. However, I'd point out that the kids are a major issue here and not in your favor.

 

IF they were to separate and you and he were to get together, you would need to (attempt to) keep the affair portion of your relationship hidden. They are VERY unlikely to accept you if you are seen (correctly/fairly or not) as the "cause" of their parents' separation.

 

Of course, attempting to keep this a secret is likely to backfire big time if/when it eventually comes out through a slip up or logical inconsistency that they become aware of. Then they will hate you for the deception as well as being the "cause" of separation.

 

So, their presence causes a huge risk of failure or at least serious, ongoing problems. I'm not sure you want to be in a family with kids who either you are forced to deceive or who hate you (or most likely both at different times).

 

So, that is one reason to leave the MM. I don't see a way around this but again I've never been in the situation so perhaps others have thought of one.

[anika99]

Thank you for pointing this out. Every day is a fight to push past the discomfort of this situation in order to continue being with him but I also feel overwhelming guilt for turning away from him. He acts like I abandon him in his time of need. He “can’t do this without me”, meaning leave his wife. But all that discomfort I’m feeling is there for a reason, and it’s normal and it’s telling me to do the right thing for everyone involved, and leave.

 

Everyone here has made some excellent comments. Your MM is manipulating you for his own selfish reasons. The things he says to you make no sense and they are contradictory. If he can't leave because of his children then what exactly are you supposed to do to help him leave? Since he's only been married for nine years I'm guessing his children are both younger than nine. That's an age where kids are still very trusting and accepting of everything their parents do and say. As they get older they will develop their own principles and judgements and not be so willing to accept whatever upset their parents are bringing to their lives. It's not going to get easier to leave as they get older, it will only become harder.

 

And you already know that his kids aren't the real reason because as you said, he's not spending his time with them anyways. Lots and lots of people manage to leave their spouses and get divorced without having an affair partner to hold their hand every step of the way. If your MM isn't mature enough to handle that then he doesn't sound like much of a catch. Also marriages should really only fail or succeed based on their own merits or shortcomings. When someone's marriage is really over and they truly want to divorce then they will do so no matter if they have another person waiting for them or not. They do it for themselves and their own happiness, not to please someone else or for the sake of being with someone else.

 

So he makes you feel guilty for abandoning him but he abandons you. He has abandoned you for the next 2 weeks. You will be miserable but he will be fine. Men compartmentalize, so he will enjoy the next 2 weeks because he knows you are waiting for him and figures he can manage you when he gets back. He has two women, a wife and a mistress, but neither you or his wife has a man as he is only 1/2 way in either relationship, yet he has the audacity to try and make you feel guilty when you want a whole man. Well isn't he special.

 

You say you have no right to feel the way you feel but actually feelings are never right or wrong. We all have a right to feel whatever we feel. Our feelings speak to us and so you should listen to what your gut is telling you which is that you are accepting the unacceptable. You know this is wrong. Yes you do deserve an honest relationship with a man you love but unfortunately that ship has already sailed on this particular relationship. This relationship has been built on dishonesty, you have watched him be deceitful for the past 2yrs and apparently he's quite content to continue to deceive since he is not taking any steps to right this situation. What on earth makes you think you will ever have an honest relationship with this guy? He doesn't even sound capable of having an honest relationship.

 

If you leave him thinking that you will or should be able to have a new relationship with a new person right away then you will be setting yourself up for failure. When you leave him it will feel terrible, at times the pain may feel horrendous and that's when you will want to go back to him. You'll tell yourself that the pain of being apart is worse than the pain of being together and in the moment that will be true, but if you go back the pain of being in an affair will still be there. Constant, neverending pain. The pain of leaving may seem overwhelming and unbearable but it will subside and you will move on and be happy without him you just have to tough out the early days and the early days is more than a few weeks, it will probably be many months, maybe even a year. Everyone recovers at their own pace so you might feel better sooner than others but you have to be prepared for it to take longer so that you don't go running back the moment you think it's taking too long to get over him. If you really believe that you deserve an honest relationship then you will stop wasting your time on this affair and ditch this guy.

[BaileyB]

Lots and lots of people manage to leave their spouses and get divorced without having an affair partner to hold their hand every step of the way. Also marriages should really only fail or succeed based on their own merits or shortcomings. When someone's marriage is really over and they truly want to divorce then they will do so no matter if they have another person waiting for them or not. They do it for themselves and their own happiness, not to please someone else or for the sake of being with someone else..

 

Quoted for truth. Read it again OP because the next time he tells you he needs you to help him divorce his wife, this should be your response.

 

You do deserve an honest relationship with a man you love but unfortunately that ship has already sailed on this particular relationship. This relationship has been built on dishonesty, you have watched him be deceitful for the past 2yrs and apparently he's quite content to continue to deceive since he is not taking any steps to right this situation. What on earth makes you think you will ever have an honest relationship with this guy?

 

Exactly. What do we know about this guy - that he is capable of lying, deceiving, and betraying the woman he promised to love, above all others. If that doesn’t give you pause OP, I’m not sure what will. It doesn’t matter if he makes good coffee in the morning, or buys nice gifts, or holds you when you cry, or if he’s really that good in bed... the fact that he is capable of this kind of betrayal should disqualify him from ever being considered as a trustworthy lifelong partner.

 

If you really believe that you deserve an honest relationship then you will stop wasting your time on this affair and ditch this guy.

 

Indeed, because what began as a convenient way for you to get your needs met without any commitment or without being hurt has become exactly that. Affairs are painful, for everyone involved. Imagine the pain that you will feel if you are discovered, knowing that your actions have caused pain to another woman - and her children. Stop wasting your time, you are worthy of a loving and honest relationship. But, you have a whole lot of learning to do first...

[preraph]

Look, at the risk of solidifying my role as the resident cynic, I'm just going to throw out a couple of my first thoughts that I have noticed often apply to married men who are cheating.

 

1) "no love left," coming from a man first and foremost usually means he's not getting sex as often as he wants, so now he's sulled up and she's busy with the

 

2) "two young children." Having two young children with a checked-out sullen husband doesn't leave the wife/mother many options but to hang in there until such time as she could leave and survive on her own with two kids. That also means she's probably having sex with him once in awhile just to keep him from rocking the boat during this crucial time.

 

3) Once the kids are both in school, she might start getting her life back. She might even start getting her libido back if he hasn't been such a jerk that she will never want to touch him again and instead makes a beeline for the divorce attorney.

 

4) I guess time will tell. She could get pregnant again or anything.

 

You're single and in my opinion, there isn't much to love about this guy. If he'll cheat on her, he'll cheat on you without a second thought. You are free to date and should be doing so. What's he gonna do? He's got no leverage here. Live your life.

[LIRR88]

Just as everyone else has mentioned, it’s all textbook. They all say the same thing, I’m only with her for the kids, you’re the love of my life, I don’t have sex with her anymore etc. There are tons of single dads that are divorced so there’s no excuse to stay for the kids. He is with her because he wants to be with her, it’s that simple. Maybe he’s telling the truth, it could very well be that he’s not happy, but bottom line is he’s probably thinking that the financial burden of divorce added with the fact that he won’t get to see his children everyday, isn’t worth him making serious changes. You need to put yourself first because he’s certainly putting himself first. And I bet you anything if his wife was to find out, he will cut you off in a heartbeat. My MM was tortured and filled with anxiety the days leading up to our break up, he saids I am the love of his life and that I will always have his heart, yet he still chose her at the end of the day. All that love and passion he claimed to have for me means nothing because we are now strangers. Don’t keep wasting your time and energy on a dead end situation, if you’ve been lurking around this site you should know by now almost all of these situations end badly.

[MBT09]

You don’t really want him to leave his wife for you, do you? Does that feel good, to know that you are the reason why this family is broken? I mean, I know it takes two to tango and “the blame” rests primarily at his feet... But, I ask sincerely, is this really who you want to be?

 

I sincerely know that I do not want to be the woman who breaks up his marriage. I've worked too hard in my life to be reduced to that label. And I sincerely believe that he deserves to figure himself out on his own terms without an outside distracting influence. We all deserve that. Me sitting here enabling him to take what he needs from two women is definitively not benefitting anyone. Thank you for asking me this. I said earlier that you helped me to reframe my thinking and you helped me again. Thank you

[MBT09]

I have not been in a similar situation to what you describe. However, I'd point out that the kids are a major issue here and not in your favor.

 

IF they were to separate and you and he were to get together, you would need to (attempt to) keep the affair portion of your relationship hidden. They are VERY unlikely to accept you if you are seen (correctly/fairly or not) as the "cause" of their parents' separation.

 

Of course, attempting to keep this a secret is likely to backfire big time if/when it eventually comes out through a slip up or logical inconsistency that they become aware of. Then they will hate you for the deception as well as being the "cause" of separation.

 

Oh man. Let me tell you the ways in which I've thought about this. I watched my own father be unfaithful. I'm the almost 40 year old daughter sitting around a table at family events and holidays, watching the women he's brought into our lives through unfaithfulness try to be civil with each other, and it's messed up. Beyond belief. I don't personally know my MM's children. He's tried to make me meet them. But I know I do not want them to have my experience. Ever. I've literally had this conversation with MM, yet somehow in my delusion and his promises about how they'll love me, pulled the wool over my eyes. And then I deluded myself to believe that the childhood experiences my father brought me made me a better woman. Clearly, it did not. I'm just carrying on a legacy I hate. MM's children deserve better.

Edited November 17, 2019 by MBT09

[MBT09]

The pain of leaving may seem overwhelming and unbearable but it will subside and you will move on and be happy without him you just have to tough out the early days and the early days is more than a few weeks, it will probably be many months, maybe even a year. Everyone recovers at their own pace so you might feel better sooner than others but you have to be prepared for it to take longer so that you don't go running back the moment you think it's taking too long to get over him. If you really believe that you deserve an honest relationship then you will stop wasting your time on this affair and ditch this guy.

 

YES. This is the part I need help with. That annoying, longing, in-my-face pain of missing him and going back to him to subside it, only to trade it for underlying pain that never ever leaves. Its ridiculous and counter productive.

[BaileyB]

He's tried to make me meet them. His promises about how they'll love me.

 

Thank goodness you had the good sense to say no. I don’t have to ask you how you think his wife would feel if she knew that their father was exposing her children to his affair partner. You know, because you’ve lived it. That’s messed up! That says a lot about his character, and his judgment. He is supposed to protect his children from harm, not expose them to the woman who is threatening their family.

 

In all honesty, you sound like a truly lovely woman. You could be the most wonderful person in the world, but you still have no right to meet his children. If I was his wife and he did that, I would go mama bear. I would swing first and ask questions later.

 

I watched my own father be unfaithful.

 

What a sad legacy. Obviously we don’t know your history, but based on what you have shared infidelity has affected each of your primary relationships - your parents marriage, your own marriage, and this other serious relationship with your MM. Have you ever had a healthy, monogamous relationship with a man? It seems like infidelity is your “normal” - in much the same way that a child grows up in an alcoholic or abusive home, chaos and dysfunction is all they know and it becomes their “normal.”

 

I sincerely hope that someday you find yourself a healthy and happy relationship. But as I said previously, I think your focus right now should be on self-reflection and personal growth. To do that, I think you would benefit from some time when you are not in a relationship. Regardless, you need to let go of this current affair because it’s not meeting your needs and it has no future. Keep posting, others will chime in with experiences and advice to cope with the end of an affair. There is support for you here.

Edited November 17, 2019 by BaileyB

[whichwayisup]

Thank you for pointing this out. Every day is a fight to push past the discomfort of this situation in order to continue being with him but I also feel overwhelming guilt for turning away from him. He acts like I abandon him in his time of need. He “can’t do this without me”, meaning leave his wife. But all that discomfort I’m feeling is there for a reason, and it’s normal and it’s telling me to do the right thing for everyone involved, and leave.

 

Tell him to go to counseling to figure it out and when he's officially divorced (meaning, he's decided to leave his marriage, regardless if you're there or not, he's leaving his marriage because he'd rather be alone than stay married) only then can he call you and ask you out on a proper date. My guess is he isn't going to attempt to leave his wife... IF wanted out, he'd tell her and leave.

 

He is desperate and running on high emotions.

 

He has young children and he may be telling you doesn't love his wife and isn't connecting etc but the reality isn't that. Sure he may not have the crush like in love feelings (life is busy with 2 kids and since he spent a lot of time with you I'm betting his wife has been on her own for a while doing everything) for her as he did when they first met but they have a history, family entwined and children together, a life built together. He isn't going to rid of all that for the unknown.

[preraph]

If you want to see how essential you are to him, stop having sex with him entirely and see how long he hangs around.

[MBT09]

Thank goodness you had the good sense to say no. I don’t have to ask you how you think his wife would feel if she knew that their father was exposing her children to his affair partner. You know, because you’ve lived it. That’s messed up! That says a lot about his character, and his judgment. He is supposed to protect his children from harm, not expose them to the woman who is threatening their family.

 

Once again, thank you for saying this. I've been carrying a guilt about refusing to meet his kids because I knew it was important to him and I was dodging that. I don't have kids myself. I can't. But I remember clearly what it's like to be a kid caught up in this situation. I would go mama bear too without a single doubt. Strike first and ask questions later. 110%.

[MBT09]

If you want to see how essential you are to him, stop having sex with him entirely and see how long he hangs around.

 

Here in lies an essential problem. In our two years I have pulled away, for months. No sex. No talking. Nothing. I dated as a single woman should. I had sex with another man. And that made MM want more. Given, MM was still having sex with his wife. He was honest enough to admit that when I asked. But I can confidently say that withholding sex makes MM run on high emotion. He has sex to maintain peace in his home, as he says. He also says I had sex with another man to distance myself from him, therefore that is one of the reasons he stays put in his marriage.

 

Typing that out made me see how ridiculous this all is.

[BaileyB]

Typing that out made me see how ridiculous this all is.

 

It is pretty ridiculous. You would not believe the MM on this site who demand fidelity from their affair partners, only to go home and sleep with his wife. Hypocritical. Or, as my mother would say, what’s good for the goose is not good for the gander.

 

Of course you are going to date and perhaps have sex with other men. It’s entirely your prerogative, as you are a single woman.

 

It’s interesting, because in most affairs it’s usually the married partner who holds all the cards and has all the control. The affair partner is often clinging desperately, ready to make whatever sacrifice is necessary, waiting for the day that their ship will come in... And yet, preraph said it well earlier - he’s got no leverage here. You are single and his number could be up anytime... So, he manipulates you through guilt and grows desperate when he feels himself losing control...

[ABernie]

Every single line of advice here has been spot on. Your situation looks a lot like mine. While I think your (and my) MM believes everything he tells you, I wish I could go back and end it until he ended his marriage. There wouldn't have been 3 Ddays. Those are awful. I'm ashamed that there was the third. He told me to hang on, to be patient. But as strong as men say and think they are, men don't really leave. Even without affairs.

 

End the affair before Dday comes. It almost always does. Women are not stupid. His wife probably has some suspicion. If it's all real, he will realize that and end his marriage and come to you in the right way.

 

I just want to say that I went on family vacations when I was seeing xMM (but going through divorce talks). I still do with STBX. But I am probably an anomaly. But we are still a family no matter what. We are amicable, so why not share in the joy with our children? xMM would bash his BW, but I really tried not to do that with STBXH. When xMM asked me why, I told him that one day, I hoped that the two of them could be friends.

 

I just can't tell you enough that I am a little jealous of you that you can end this without a Dday and do things the right way. I wish I could go back in time to do that.

[mark clemson]

He also says I had sex with another man to distance myself from him, therefore that is one of the reasons he stays put in his marriage.

 

Yeah, if he's unhappy in his marriage being with you (including sexually) make it EASIER to stay since he's temporarily less unhappy. His marriage should fall on it's own accord IF it's going to.

 

 

...it's messed up. Beyond belief. I don't personally know my MM's children. He's tried to make me meet them. But I know I do not want them to have my experience. Ever.

 

Well, I think you know what to do then...

[Lurker123]

The advice in this thread has been completely fantastic and spot on. I’d just like to add that in my situation MM did something similar- said that by me pushing him away, seeing other people etc, it set him back to square one in his marriage and made it harder for him to leave. Almost like every time I pulled away, it reset the clock for ending his marriage. Reading your comment in this respect makes me see how manipulative this truly is. If MM wants to leave the situation, then it should be because of his personal circumstances at home have got to the point where it is no longer feasible to stay, not because AP pushes him away! I also agree with the comments about the children- if he was that worried about them- why is he spending all his spare time with you? If he was that concerned about missing out on them growing up, why is he investing in extra maritals, rather than being with them? I do think he is manipulating you rather well. The fact he is now on a 2 week holiday with his family says it all really. He’s had 2 years to sort this out, the only question you should be asking is do you want to be here in another 2 years? 10 years maybe? If he hasn’t left already- it seems unlikely he ever will when he’s got the beat of both worlds. Why rock the boat.

[ABernie]

I’d just like to add that in my situation MM did something similar- said that by me pushing him away, seeing other people etc, it set him back to square one in his marriage and made it harder for him to leave. Almost like every time I pulled away, it reset the clock for ending his marriage.

 

This makes me wonder if this is what happened with my xMM. I got fed up with waiting. Someone asked me out and I told him. I think that is when he first started letting me go. He fell off when my birthday came and contacted me. I replied very seriously that he can't do this to me. It wasn't fair. I think that's when I hammered the last nail in our proverbial coffin. I never thought of this.