Should I stay this time, or go for good?

[vla1120]

My advice, when asked whether to stay with a MM or MW, will always be to go and never look back....

[MBT09]

So I ended it, for probably the tenth time. But this time I was desperate to make it final. I know that I'm weak and I know that I will be susceptible to his continued attempts at communication so I employed a strategy I've never tried before...I just let it all out. I screamed, I cried, I spiraled into anger, no - rage, and I used colorful language which I may regret later. Actually, I already do regret my behavior. But I also knew even that wouldn't be enough so I did something else I've never done before. I told him I would tell his wife about our affair if he ever tried to come back. Now, I have zero desire to do this and I won't. But when I said that I would, everything changed. The air shifted. And he fled. His reaction by fleeing doesn't surprise me but I will admit it stings at times, but mostly I feel relief.

 

I don't know if I'm right or if I'm wrong by ending it in that way. But I feel like I did what I had to do.

[Crazelnut]

Don't beat yourself up for how you ended it. You did what you had to do.

 

Stay strong and use this forum to help you. Post here when you're feeling weak and lonely and miserable. I guarantee there will be people here to help you see the big picture and remind you of the wisdom in ending it.

[BaileyB]

Hugs to you, friend.

 

It will hurt like hell for a long time, but you will get through it. This too shall pass.

[Lurker123]

Well done you. I hope his reaction when you said you’d tell his wife proved to you everything you needed to know and has made you feel a tiny bit better about ending it, as it has shown his true colours.

 

He probably still will put the feelers out at some point I would imagine, but stay strong. This is going to hurt like hell for a few weeks, maybe even a few months, but you are now free, when you are ready of course, to meet someone you can do all the things you used to do with MM, but not in secret and this time you can actually go on the holiday rather than sitting at home by yourself thinking of him having an amazing time with his family.

 

Post on here whenever you’re feeling down and we will all pull you back up again and help you see sense x

[Abetterme]

Thinking of you. I can imagine that was exceptionally difficult and eye-opening. As much as it hurts in this moment, you are doing the right thing for all involved and you will be opening yourself up to a healthy relationship in the future. I wish you all the best!

[preraph]

Good for you! I like how you ended it. You not only got it ended, but you got that question answered, who was more important to him. It stings, but it's important to live in reality. Now block him so he CAN'T contact you and block him from social media so he can't see where you're going and show up there. And don't look at his social media or anything else so you can move on.

[vla1120]

So I ended it, for probably the tenth time. But this time I was desperate to make it final. I know that I'm weak and I know that I will be susceptible to his continued attempts at communication so I employed a strategy I've never tried before...I just let it all out. I screamed, I cried, I spiraled into anger, no - rage, and I used colorful language which I may regret later. Actually, I already do regret my behavior. But I also knew even that wouldn't be enough so I did something else I've never done before. I told him I would tell his wife about our affair if he ever tried to come back. Now, I have zero desire to do this and I won't. But when I said that I would, everything changed. The air shifted. And he fled. His reaction by fleeing doesn't surprise me but I will admit it stings at times, but mostly I feel relief.

 

I don't know if I'm right or if I'm wrong by ending it in that way. But I feel like I did what I had to do.

 

You did the right thing and, regardless of the pain and confusion you might be feeling right now, you should be very proud of yourself! (I've always wondered why, when someone wants to end a relationship with a MM/MW, they don't simply threaten to tell the BS, if the MM/MW does not leave them alone.)

[MBT09]

He probably still will put the feelers out at some point I would imagine, but stay strong. This is going to hurt like hell for a few weeks, maybe even a few months, but you are now free, when you are ready of course, to meet someone you can do all the things you used to do with MM, but not in secret and this time you can actually go on the holiday rather than sitting at home by yourself thinking of him having an amazing time with his family.

 

You're right. The next few weeks will hurt like hell but I will stay strong. I've had two days off work now to play out every scenario in my head in solace at home, about how he's going to accuse me (although I'll never hear it) of wanting to sleep with other people, or some other man entered my thoughts, and that's the real reason I left. These are the insecure mind games he would play with me. The reality is, even now, no other man exists to me. But someday, someone else will exist to me. I have that freedom and have put in the hard work to let it happen. And he will still be stuck in time, doing nothing but bowing down to complacency, being a work horse for his stay at home wife, and victimizing himself for the next woman. Whew, I'm still mad. Clearly. And I won't be dating for a while until I stop being mad and work through this. But...Im looking forward to the future.

[S2B]

So I ended it, for probably the tenth time. But this time I was desperate to make it final. I know that I'm weak and I know that I will be susceptible to his continued attempts at communication so I employed a strategy I've never tried before...I just let it all out. I screamed, I cried, I spiraled into anger, no - rage, and I used colorful language which I may regret later. Actually, I already do regret my behavior. But I also knew even that wouldn't be enough so I did something else I've never done before. I told him I would tell his wife about our affair if he ever tried to come back. Now, I have zero desire to do this and I won't. But when I said that I would, everything changed. The air shifted. And he fled. His reaction by fleeing doesn't surprise me but I will admit it stings at times, but mostly I feel relief.

 

I don't know if I'm right or if I'm wrong by ending it in that way. But I feel like I did what I had to do.

 

Oh yes!!! Good job!

 

YES, do contact his wife when he tries to reach you next time! Seriously... that will make sure he knows you mean what you say - and also his wife does have the right to know exactly who she is married to.

 

Tell her as soon as he calls - don’t even bother responding whenhe says hello - just hang up and call her! Have her number in auto dial because he will call you - whenhe realizes how much work it is for him when he tries to find another other woman who is compliant.

 

Yep, consequences for his bad behavior and crossing your boundary (the boundary you clearly laid out). Call her as soon as he contacts you.

 

And don’t feel bad about protecting YOUR happiness/future! You go girl!

[Eternal Sunshine]

While spending all that daily time together, hand in hand, who the hell does any work? I feel sorry for your bosses!

[ABernie]

While spending all that daily time together, hand in hand, who the hell does any work? I feel sorry for your bosses!

 

This is not supportive. Perhaps the better reply would be "Throw yourself back into work to make up for the lost time."

 

There have been plenty of times my head has not been into work that were not about affairs.

[travelbug1996]

MM- Married Man??

 

More like MM= Master Manipulator!!

 

My advice would be to make a decision on the reality of the situation and not your feelings. Feelings always keep us stuck. Screw how you feel and consider what you want, need , desire, deserve.

 

(((HUGS))))

[pepperbird]

do you really love him, or do you love who you think he could be? are you really happy with him, or is it more you are happy with the potential the relationship has if only he wasn't married?

 

If he were to divorce tomorrow, do you think he;d live up to that potential, or is it wishful thinking on your part and a knowledge in his that he will never really have to live up to his promises? After all, if he's married, he likely thinks he has a built in excuse.

[mark clemson]

If you decide to tell his wife about everything, suggest you make sure you make a fully informed and thought-through choice. For example, there are some (US) states with alienation of affection laws where, if she divorces due to the affair, she can sue you for damages.

 

So suggest if you do this, you do so fully informed and with eyes wide open as to any likely possible blowback, etc.

[MBT09]

do you really love him, or do you love who you think he could be? are you really happy with him, or is it more you are happy with the potential the relationship has if only he wasn't married?

 

I've often wondered about this and have tried to keep myself in check regarding whether I love him or love his potential. I recognize that I love both. But I also recognize that not having the ability or the right to see what his potential is makes for an incomplete, anxiety-ridden and unsatisfying experience.

 

 

 

If you decide to tell his wife about everything, suggest you make sure you make a fully informed and thought-through choice. For example, there are some (US) states with alienation of affection laws where, if she divorces due to the affair, she can sue you for damages.

 

This is an extremely good point and I hope other's take heed of your advice. I personally never intended and will not be telling his wife. My threat to do so was a desperate attempt to bring a resolution to our affair. I'm less concerned about the personal blow back and more concerned about the fall out his children would experience. Either way, we happen to live in a state that doesn't penalize affair partners nor does it give affairs much legal weight in court and custody battles.

[MBT09]

 

Screw how you feel and consider what you want, need , desire, deserve.

 

(((HUGS))))

 

I. Love. This. Thank you!!

[2BGoodAgain]

ABernie....

 

First of all, you need to get out. You will ruin your life waiting on him and the longer you stay, the longer the pain will linger even after him.

 

I had a 12+ yr affair with a married woman that spanned two long term relationships of my own. It too started as a sexual affair, but soon after hours and hours of talking and meeting up, we ended up bonding on an emotional level. I honestly believe from her side, it was a genuine feeling, but though she felt it, she wasn't being honest with herself or me with myself.

 

All affairs are fantasy; no matter if he comes by daily or weekly or whatever, no matter how many sincere plans you guys make, etc.. like you said, you don't see him making any solid plans in your direction. Words should be the icing on the cake, which are your actions. Look at his actions in terms of moving towards you and you have your answer.

 

you are an escape from the reality that is his life. I'm not saying you aren't real, but the feelings he has is pleasure b/c he doesn't have to deal with his reality when he's with you. Hence fantasy. He knows deep down he has a hard choice to make and he can't; but he can live some sort of fantasy of a life that isn't his reality and that is you. 

 

For yourself, being alone isn't an ideal reality. Worse yet, being alone and reality appearing that no one is on the horizon may also be a bit of reality you want to avoid. But that isn't reality, just your perception. 

 

Lucky for you, he is someone who comes by often so more reality is bursting your fantasy bubble; plus your own past experience has shown you the fallacies of that path. I wish i had more reality burst my affair fantasy long before it ended; it would have saved me immense heartache. What you are experiencing when he isn't there is something akin to a chemical withdrawal you're going thru. Your brain knows what gives you pleasure and chemically it makes you want it badly again. Kinda like a fix. Dopamine, I think it's called. But the longer you stay away, and on top of that, find out WHY you are so drawn to it, it'll help you move on not just from him.. but from similar situations so you can have healthy, meaningful relationships that last.

 

you know deep within that he isn't long term. he will come up with every rationalization why he can't leave his marriage and honestly, he shouldn't leave his marriage/children for you. He should do it for himself. once single, see if you and him are still attracted. B/c even IF he leaves his marriage for you, he's just leaving one dependency for another and you may find yourself on the other end of the stick, at that point. B/c it appears to me that whenever he's in a reality he dislikes, instead of dealing with it, he escapes to fantasy. aka you or another woman, etc.

 

I wish you luck in your future choices. In the end, that's all the power you really have. Your own choices. You are responsible for yourself first. Take good care of yourself. You are worth every happiness that you desire, but you have to fight for it... usually within yourself. 

 

you are worth more than a side fantasy for a man who can't deal with reality. b/c in the end, he'll find a better fantasy or he'll grow up and face his reality. either way, you'll have wasted your time and your heart.