Does a man with two partners ever work?

[noonynicky]

Hi LoveShack members,

 

I know, sounds totally stupid, but like to hear what you think.

 

Without discussing in detail ( we can if this thread evolves ) how this happened, supposed I was in relationships with two separate women.

 

Woman 1 (W1): Same age as me, 30+. Our outlook in life matches, that is work hard, advance up the career later, find our fulfilment in corporate rank. We read and talk about similar content. She appeals to my intellectual side.

 

Woman 2 (W2): She’s 40+ with a kid. We share the same attitude towards life and our hang out chemistry is first class. After work, I’ll go with her to drink and we get transported to a place where we both are just relaxed. Most importantly, I find my life purpose of being her pillar of financial and emotional support.

 

The key here is that I feel that my life would reach peak happiness if I can be with both of them. Everything that W1 lacks, W2 has and vice versa. I would die a happy man. Thus, the proposal.

 

Based on assumptions 1 to 3, would a polygamous relationship with both women work?

 

1. I can make both of them close to financially free. I’ll have a 2,000 sqft place in which all of us will stay and I have two cars. ( I’m DEFINITELY NOT saying I’ll buying them. See 2 )

 

2. I’ll love W2 60% of how I love W1. W1 came first and after some discussion, I’ve concluded that W2 can, somewhat because of her age, accept a guy loving her just enough to make her happy.

 

3. I’m a great lover / giver. Communication between me, W1 and W2 would be strong. I’ll be attentive to W1 and W2 needs and do my very best to attend to both of them.

 

I’m very motivated to and set to work very hard for this goal. What ya’ll think?

 

Regards,

Nicky

[d0nnivain]

polygamy is illegal in most places so from that perspective no it can't work

 

If you can get the two women involved to agree to your open relationship concept, I suppose it could work. Watch Sister Wives.

[Kitty Tantrum]

Loving W2 "60%" sounds like the biggest thing that would kill this arrangement. Not saying these situations can't work, but relegating one person firmly to second place doesn't seem like the way to go about it.

 

Have you talked to these women about their thoughts on polygamous/polyamorous households?

 

Also, I think that this whole concept of "peak happiness" is a straight-up lie, very dangerous to buy into it. Seems like a flimsy and ill-founded approach to something that could MAYBE otherwise work. But if you go into it chasing gratification rather than with the understanding that it will require doubling up on all of the responsibility, obligation, work etc., you'll find yourself in a bad place when the novelty wears thin.

[elaine567]

... after some discussion...

 

With who?

With yourself, with these women, with others?

[ExpatInItaly]

I would say the vast majority of women in within our general cultural context would not go for this, no.

 

Could this work if both of these women happen to be into the idea of a poly-amorous relationship? Sure, perhaps, but only if they both accept that the polyamory would be one-sided. (I am gathering you don't want them dating other men, correct?) If they have previously lived that lifestyle or have a pre-exisiting curiosity about it, the odds would be more in your favour.

 

If neither of them has ever expressed an interest in sharing their man, and they both place a high value on exclusivity and monogamy - you don't have a snowball's chance in hell of realizing this scenario.

 

Understand that even pitching this idea is not likely to work out the way you hoped. You're far more likely to be met with with rejection than acceptance of this plan.

[central]

Can it work? Of course. However, it isn't common, and you have to find partners who are fine (or even enthusiastic) about open relationships or polyamorous relationships. And they may want more partners of their own (or have the option for the future), so you may have to be okay with that for it to work.

 

I've had two such relationships, one for a few years with my wife and another woman near my age, and another that lasted over 5 years (and has the potential to be rekindled in a year or so), with my wife and a much younger woman. The relationships can be separate, but it's a lot easier if everyone is friendly. We never all lived together, but that's an option we'd consider.

 

Introducing the idea can be difficult, if it's not already clear that your prospects are open to poly relationships. Ask about attitudes towards non-traditional relationships, and go from there. At some point you'll need to be very clear, and perhaps even get the three of you together to discuss it and deal with any issues or concerns anyone has. If you get shot down, you could lose both, but it's possible you'll have to make a choice and pick just one. Are you prepared for that?

Edited November 16, 2019 by central

[elaine567]

Do these women know about each other and their significance in your life?

[mark clemson]

You should spend some serious time researching polyamory. From what I understand, this stuff is a LOT harder than it sounds, esp. making it work LT. And disregard the "swingers" stuff - you want the serious, LT, "throuple" stuff.

[Tamfana]

Ask them. Only their opinions matter.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I’ve concluded that W2 can, somewhat because of her age, accept a guy loving her just enough to make her happy.

 

Oh, you've concluded this for her, have you? :lmao:

[elaine567]

If we forget about the relationships with you and the "polyamory", you would be asking a single woman in her 30's to share her life and love with a woman in her 40's and a child, a child she doesn't know or may not even like.

 

You are asking a mother in her 40s, to share her life and love with a much younger woman who is going to vie for attention both for herself and any kids she may have.

 

Women IME are pretty territorial...

[major_merrick]

OK, first off, ignore the anti-polygamy crowd. As long as you aren't legally married in the sight of the government and claiming it on your taxes, then you aren't doing anything illegal.

 

 

Yes, it can work. BUT there are a number of issues with it and I don't see it working in your situation.

 

First, everybody has to be on board with the idea. Most women are not interested in a multiple partner situation, and if you present it to them, they will both probably leave you. Second, you have to love your partners equally, and love them for who they are. Based on your description of loving one more than the other, that's just wrong and it will break up your family very very quickly.

 

 

My husband has four partners total. He never intended to have more than one. It was his first two partners' idea! That's probably one of the biggest criteria for success - it is usually a female-generated idea when it works out. Same thing happened when I ended up with two girlfriends - it was their idea, and they had to convince me that a triad relationship was a good idea. You are coming at it from the opposite direction, which tends to scare women away.

 

My husband works very hard to make his partners feel special and loved equally. Even with that, there can be jealousy issues and insecurity. Most women are very insecure, and it can lead to squabbles. To overcome this, your partners have to care for each other just as much as they care for you. I'm involved with my husbands other partners both emotionally and physically. It wouldn't work any other way. When Wife #1 and I were starting to fight, he sent us to live elsewhere just with each other until we had worked it out. She's just as much my partner as my husband and my GFs are. If we were just friends or roommates with only our husband in common, we'd fight.

 

So, to recap - yes it works. No it won't work for you the way you're trying to make it happen. Save yourself some pain and pick one of the two, or find a pair of girls who are both looking for a husband.

[major_merrick]

I also should have mentioned - a multiple partner marriage is more for the benefit of the women than for the man. When women have a natural desire for each other, heterosexual monogamy doesn't work so well. So bringing women together helps with physical and emotional satisfaction, as well as child rearing and financial stability. The man benefits from these things, but the primary purpose is for the satisfaction and stability of the women involved.

[pepperbird]

just my take, but you sound like you are kind of flip and there's a lot of hubris in your post. I can't see how that could work in a relationship where all three members are supposed to be happy and find fulfillment.

 

Mind you, you know these women and I don't. Speaking specifically to these women and not in generalities, do you think the three of you have what it takes to create a situation that's positive for all?

[Mr. Lucky]

A great lover AND two cars. What woman could resist?

 

Mr. Lucky

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

A great lover AND two cars. What woman could resist?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Don't forget the 2,000 sq. ft. house.

[BaileyB]

You sound like you have it all figured out OP. Perhaps it’s time to put your cards on the table and talk to these women.

 

Wouldn’t it be amusing if you end up with no women... because that’s a real possibility. Good luck to you.

[major_merrick]

just my take, but you sound like you are kind of flip and there's a lot of hubris in your post. I can't see how that could work in a relationship where all three members are supposed to be happy and find fulfillment.

Pepperbird, I think you put into language something that I could only feel. The OP's attitude did seem a touch bold. Of course, boldness is required for women to respect a man, but there's a subtle line. I know that text doesn't convey meaning the way speech (with nonverbal cues) does, but the key trait necessary to make a multi-partner household and family work is "servant leadership." Normal marriage is touchy...multi-partner marriage has more pitfalls.

 

 

Don't forget the 2,000 sq. ft. house.

I guess he isn't planning on having a bunch of kids. Around here, 2k sq. ft. is average for a 4-person family home. My house is much larger...more people = more space.

[basil67]

I guess he isn't planning on having a bunch of kids. Around here, 2k sq. ft. is average for a 4-person family home. My house is much larger...more people = more space.

 

Oh yeah. 2000sqft sounded huge till I did the conversion to metric. Not that big at all. I'd be wanting much more space if I was sharing with another woman and her child too.

[noonynicky]

Thank you for the responses. I’ve addressed them individually. Here’re some of my general responses to drive this idea forward.

 

- Yes, this entire arrangement will be discussed and I’ll only proceed if both women are on board

 

- I argue that what I learn from one woman, will help the relationship with the other. I.e., W2 is sexually better in bed which will spice up the sex with W1

 

- It keeps recurring to me that “this arrangement completes my life; I can die a happy man”. I’m selfish to think this way but W1 has everything W2 lacks and vice versa. From my perspective, I can so envision that complete life I always wanted – two women, nice house, nice cars, children, happiness. And this is driving me to work towards this.

 

I sense if that I can convey to both women this happiness, it’ll be clearer to them why this arrangement can work PROVIDED that this happiness is our happiness and not solely mine.

 

Basically, 3 adults, say 3 kids max, 2 cars, holiday trips, all in a 2,000 sqft feet with 4 rooms in which either of us can retreat to if the living room gets too crowded.

[noonynicky]

Do these women know about each other and their significance in your life?

 

W1 doesn’t know about W2

W2 came later, so W2 knows about W1

 

Based on what I mentioned above about W2, I’m prepared to float this idea to W2 first, leaving W1 entirely out of the initial discussions, to see where W2 stands.

[noonynicky]

A great lover AND two cars. What woman could resist?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Don't forget the 2,000 sq. ft. house.

 

In all seriousness, I see money has a main driver for this idea to work. I preface this by saying that money PLUS the fact that I’m a good lover could bring this idea to fruition.

 

Let’s think about the life I’ll be giving W1 and W2.

W1: She likes that luxurious life. And I bring that. With my capital, I can bless her with shopping trips and holidays. Plus, I love W1 more than W2. Helps to tell her she can choose between a 5 series and a Merc GT.

 

W2: She said herself she’s living day to day, finance wise. There’re things she wish she could do, blessing others with dinners, but can’t. Then I come in, tell her you and your child(ren) can stay in this place, passes her this car, and commit to being a father figure to her child(ren). Side note: yes, I believe I can be a good father figure.

 

( I think many should see why I find more of my purpose in W2 than I do in W1 )

 

Again, I wanted to emphasize that making money is a LARGE part of who I am, even before any women came into the picture. I was that, no girls study hard in college, get a top job upon graduation, stay late in office, driven to achieve Kobe, Lebron level greatness, guy.

 

Now, this is what I want, 2 women, and I’m using what I’ve accumulated over the years, my financial and corporate position, to bless them and create this life.

[noonynicky]

 

That's probably one of the biggest criteria for success - it is usually a female-generated idea when it works out.

 

To overcome this, your partners have to care for each other just as much as they care for you.

 

 

 

This. The problem here is that I would be waiting forever until either W1 or W2 says “Hey, let’s get into a polygamous relationship”

 

As mentioned earlier. W1 doesn’t know about W2. W2 knows about W1. So the nearest avenue of bringing this idea up is to suggest it to W2 first.

 

And yup, eventually, I would want W1 to care for W2 and vice versa. This is potentially how this dynamic can work out.

 

W1: She is this corporate woman ( 34 ) who currently has no plans to have a child because she’s not ready for the time commitment. I’m not ready for the time commitment either. But, there’s a small inclination for her to have a child because of legacy reasons and doing something she doesn’t wanna regret not doing.

 

Me and W1 have a child, W2 takes care of the child, Me and W1 still have time to focus on our corporate endeavors, which I see will last at least another 3 years. ( We both like rising up the corporate ranks )

 

W2: Simple. She intended to have more kids than she has now and has made it very clear that she likes children. W2 takes care of my and W1’s kid.

 

Just talking about the above seems TO ME that this idea makes more and more sense.

[elaine567]

So you are cheating on W1 with W2.

 

W2 is your Other Woman(OW).

OWs tend to have the idea that one day her MM will leave his wife and marry her. She sees your earning potential and your house and two cars and she sees herself bringing up her child in that family setting. She just needs to oust the wife. She will no longer need to share she will then be #1.

That is usually the goal.

She already hates your wife.

 

The Betrayed Spouse (W1) will likely hate your OW with a vengeance as soon as she finds out.

She has much to lose and nothing to gain here.

 

Whilst you get one "whole" woman, they get half a man each...

[noonynicky]

So you are cheating on W1 with W2.

 

W2 is your Other Woman(OW).

OWs tend to have the idea that one day her MM will leave his wife and marry her. She sees your earning potential and your house and two cars and she sees herself bringing up her child in that family setting. She just needs to oust the wife. She will no longer need to share she will then be #1.

That is usually the goal.

She already hates your wife.

 

The Betrayed Spouse (W1) will likely hate your OW with a vengeance as soon as she finds out.

She has much to lose and nothing to gain here.

 

Whilst you get one "whole" woman, they get half a man each...

 

Good try, but not correct.

 

Yes, W2 knows about W1. Partly correct, W2 admires me for my work ethic and earning potential. But no. In fact, W2 has been giving suggestions that I patch up with W1. This has been consistent, like consecutive days in which we meet and discuss me and W1.

 

I didn't wanna bring in the background. But since this thread has evolved this far, I might as well.

 

Me and W1 had problems and we're on a clean separation with rough rules which I believe I've followed. So now it seems clear that all the problems that cause me and W1 to separate are NOT problems with W2.