BaileyB Posted November 17, 2019 Share Posted November 17, 2019 This is really the height of arrogance and entitlement. If either of these women have any self respect, they will not make this easy for you. People generally don’t like to be used. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author noonynicky Posted November 17, 2019 Author Share Posted November 17, 2019 This is really the height of arrogance and entitlement. If either of these women have any self respect, they will not make this easy for you. People generally don’t like to be used. At which point am I using them? Again, I mentioned the following: 1. Way before meeting these two women, I was someone who studied hard, worked hard and saved a lot knowing that one day, I had the means to do things for, presumably, my happiness. This is one of those days. 2. If I JUST gave them a house to live in and had sex, then I guess you can argue your point. I'm committed to a. attending to their needs, b. giving them my time, c. being a father figure to whichever child, d. stimulating their emotional and intellectual needs. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 17, 2019 Share Posted November 17, 2019 At which point am I using them? W1 doesn’t know about W2. You have concocted this plan, and you have not been honest with this woman. Way before meeting these two women, I was someone who studied hard, worked hard and saved a lot knowing that one day, I had the means to do things for, presumably, my happiness. This is one of those days. With respect, it’s not about how hard you work, or the size of your home, or whether you do/do not have regular sex. These things would matter naught to me if my partner was trying to convince me to engage in a polygamist relationship. Hey - if you can get both women to agree to this plan, more power to you. I’m just saying, you have rationalized it all quite well but your logic is a little skewed, in my humble opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 17, 2019 Share Posted November 17, 2019 2. If I JUST gave them a house to live in and had sex, then I guess you can argue your point. I'm committed to a. attending to their needs, b. giving them my time, c. being a father figure to whichever child, d. stimulating their emotional and intellectual needs. OK, so what's their take on your proposal? Are they willing to try it? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted November 17, 2019 Share Posted November 17, 2019 OK, so what's their take on your proposal? Are they willing to try it? That's the key, for sure! If you haven't, you need to talk to them separately, and make sure they both know about each other and are okay with that much as a start. Then, if they are both willing to discuss it further, you all need to get together and work it through, whatever the outcome. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 17, 2019 Share Posted November 17, 2019 (edited) You're still going to need a much bigger house. Something the size of a McMansion would be appropriate. Have you factored in how the women and the kids will deal with the gossip and possible ostracisation from the community around them? Society tends to be vary wary of those who are unconventional. Edited November 17, 2019 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted November 17, 2019 Share Posted November 17, 2019 A few thoughts: Are you a 6 figure earner or a 7 figure earner? There are lots of low 6 figure earners in the world, it's not that special. Very high 6 figures is rarer, of course and probably seen as little different from low 7's. (You don't have to answer that of course, just food for thought for you.) Regardless of earnings you already had difficulties with W1, so clearly the money is not an "I win" button at least so far as she was concerned. You might be better served seeking women who are into polyamory to begin with. To those women your money would be seen as a bonus. I think to regular women (which it sounds like these are) your money is presumably a positive, but the polyamory may be a big negative. That said, it seems like W2 may be on board with the idea, so perhaps the battle is half won? If W1 wants nothing to do with this arrangement (plausible, I think) perhaps you can find a new, polyamory-friendly woman. The term for a 2nd woman who joins an existing couple is "unicorn" which, as implied, means they're rare, but they do indeed exist. Depending on the divorce laws in your area, I would consider NOT marrying unless you are ok with the prospect of possibly parting with a significant part of that hard-earned money in just a few short years. If your laws are a bit "fairer" to the higher-earning spouse then I suggest you talk to multiple attorneys before making any arrangements to protect your wealth as not all attorneys will be completely straightforward with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted November 17, 2019 Share Posted November 17, 2019 Have you factored in how the women and the kids will deal with the gossip and possible ostracisation from the community around them? Society tends to be vary wary of those who are unconventional. I agree with Basil, one thing to consider is how well your proposed lifestyle will fly at work. Companies sometimes (unfairly and sometimes illegally, but nonetheless) worry about the "optics" of high ranking corporate officers who engage in an "alternative lifestyle". Some do, some don't - it's something to consider. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 17, 2019 Share Posted November 17, 2019 In your thread about the breakup of your marriage with W1, you wrote that one of the issues is "I talk about dreams and ideas but not necessarily realizable". Why do you imagine that going to W1 with yet another not necessarily realisable would endear you to her? The biggest risk here is that W1 will be absolutely appalled at your suggestion and move from separation to divorce. Are you OK with this outcome? You want another woman because neither women on her own completely meets your needs? Why do you think that telling W1 that she's not enough on her own would make her want to join this adventure? Pushing the point further, how can you think this will work in a relatively small house? You wrote in this thread "I argue that what I learn from one woman, will help the relationship with the other. I.e., W2 is sexually better in bed which will spice up the sex with W1". If you need help from W2 to spice it up with W1, then I would argue that you are not the great lover you think you are. A good lover can make it work with any willing partner. Let's assume she agrees to the plan: Polyamory involves all parties having the choice to have extra partners. (I'm sure you wouldn't be selfish enough to say that you can have two partners but they can't) Will you be OK with either W1 or W2 having casual sex or bringing home boyfriends? Will this help you to feel more or less of a man? Is your home big enough to accommodate and extra guy or girl hanging about? What if the two women don't get on? Who moves out? Or what if they *really* get on and don't want you around anymore? (Yes, I know of a couple where this happened) Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted November 17, 2019 Share Posted November 17, 2019 op, I'm not trying to pass judgement on your choice of lifestyle, but if you do get the go ahead, I would caution you about bringing kids into the mix. I'm not saying that with respect to how it could affect the adults ( i don't really care) but the kids will have no say in the matter. You have to admit it's not a conventional lifestyle, and I'm sure you also know how mean other kids can be to anyone who is different in any way at all. Having this sort of arrangement is certainly different, and could be a hard road for any kids involved to travel.I'm even more concerned for the child who is already here. How will he take to this? There is no way for you to know. If you do decide to go ahead with this, and you do plan on having kids, would you think about moving to an area/community where the lifestyle is more accepted? It cold be better for your children, and they need to come first. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 17, 2019 Share Posted November 17, 2019 In February you were "separating" due to your wife not being happy in the marriage. Now you say you are "separated". What makes you think she will agree to this "arrangement" with your OW. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 17, 2019 Share Posted November 17, 2019 In February you were "separating" due to your wife not being happy in the marriage. What makes you think she will agree to this "arrangement" with your OW. That’s just it. The vast majority of women would never agree to this concept. And wife #1 is apparently already decided she is done with the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 17, 2019 Share Posted November 17, 2019 Let’s think about the life I’ll be giving W1 and W2. W1: She likes that luxurious life. And I bring that. With my capital, I can bless her with shopping trips and holidays. Plus, I love W1 more than W2. Helps to tell her she can choose between a 5 series and a Merc GT. W2: She said herself she’s living day to day, finance wise. There’re things she wish she could do, blessing others with dinners, but can’t. Then I come in, tell her you and your child(ren) can stay in this place, passes her this car, and commit to being a father figure to her child(ren). Side note: yes, I believe I can be a good father figure. Your situation is similar to someone considering adopting a child - and looking at it solely from a cost standpoint. Having raised 4 kids, I can tell you the financial considerations are important, but are far outweighed by the social, emotional and logistical aspects. OP, life isn’t as simple or transactional as you seem to view this situation. All kinds of messy outcomes present themselves, few of which are predictable in advance. And if you’re considering two women and two families, times two to the higher power. Be careful what you wish for... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted November 17, 2019 Share Posted November 17, 2019 There’s no way a respectable woman would willingly share their partner. Only someone who is braindead would agree to your arrangement. That’s why people lose their partners due to infidelity every single day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 17, 2019 Share Posted November 17, 2019 In February you were "separating" due to your wife not being happy in the marriage. Now you say you are "separated". What makes you think she will agree to this "arrangement" with your OW. Oh, so OP wants his cake and wants to eat it, too. Trying to figure out a way to keep both the wife and the affair partner by trying to rationalize how this will be great for everyone? Bizarre. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted November 17, 2019 Share Posted November 17, 2019 It’s good you have money, OP. Your exW can probably get that S Class in her own name with all that alimony you can afford. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted November 18, 2019 Share Posted November 18, 2019 There’s no way a respectable woman would willingly share their partner. Only someone who is braindead would agree to your arrangement. Not true. I consider myself respectable, and I share my partners. However, the OP is not being honest! Rational people can agree to all kinds of things if the agreement is done fairly. This one is not. No way in hell will W1 agree to allow W2 in the house. I can read that writing on the wall. The OP is going to end up hurting one or both of these women. Since W1 is the first female partner, she's pretty much the one who can say yes or no on bringing in another female. In my husband's case, it was Wife #1 who initiated. That is why it has worked for all of us. Short of some kind of miracle, this situation isn't going to be salvageable for anybody involved. I'll repeat: One of the most important aspects of a family with multiple female partners is the relationship between those female partners. In this case, W1 and W2 don't know each other and haven't been allowed to come into contact and develop a loving, intimate connection on their own terms. The OP has side-stepped the most essential prerequisite condition. Essentially - mission fail! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted November 18, 2019 Share Posted November 18, 2019 I'll repeat: One of the most important aspects of a family with multiple female partners is the relationship between those female partners. In this case, W1 and W2 don't know each other and haven't been allowed to come into contact and develop a loving, intimate connection on their own terms. The OP has side-stepped the most essential prerequisite condition. Essentially - mission fail! By far the most important thing said in this entire thread. And something that wasn't entirely obvious to me until she said it. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted November 20, 2019 Share Posted November 20, 2019 There are poly relationships that work if everyone involved WANTS to be poly (and usually the arrangement does not just involve the two women only having sex with the one guy... just saying ). Doesn't sound like that's the case for you. Link to post Share on other sites
ajequals Posted November 20, 2019 Share Posted November 20, 2019 didn't a congresswoman just loose her job due to a poly relationship? yup 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted November 23, 2019 Share Posted November 23, 2019 At which point am I using them? Again, I mentioned the following: 1. Way before meeting these two women, I was someone who studied hard, worked hard and saved a lot knowing that one day, I had the means to do things for, presumably, my happiness. This is one of those days. 2. If I JUST gave them a house to live in and had sex, then I guess you can argue your point. I'm committed to a. attending to their needs, b. giving them my time, c. being a father figure to whichever child, d. stimulating their emotional and intellectual needs. The thing you aren't seeing here is that the above is basically the absolute bare minimums expected in a relationship. And, when a woman selects a man who meets or exceeds the minimum, she expects to have 100% of the above available to her exclusively. If you're only going to be able to give each woman 50% then that 50% better be freakin spectacular. Otherwise, it makes more sense for the woman to find another man who can meet the minimums and who will give her 100%. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted November 23, 2019 Share Posted November 23, 2019 If you're only going to be able to give each woman 50% then that 50% better be freakin spectacular. Otherwise, it makes more sense for the woman to find another man who can meet the minimums and who will give her 100%. To be fair, some women are just wired to be poly. But that does mean that they also want to have sex with other people (men or women depending on their preferences), which I doubt the OP will be particularly chuffed with... Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted November 23, 2019 Share Posted November 23, 2019 (edited) If you're only going to be able to give each woman 50% then that 50% better be freakin spectacular. Either that, or the women get some of their 100% from other partners. Even though my husband is amazing, there's just some things that a female partner is better equipped to deal with. Having awesome female partners really makes life amazing. To be fair, some women are just wired to be poly. But that does mean that they also want to have sex with other people (men or women depending on their preferences), which I doubt the OP will be particularly chuffed with... Poly doesn't necessarily mean having sex with people outside your home. I guess it does for some people, but that's not my thing. Which is why the relationship between W1 and W2 is an absolute must. Poly-fidelity is a way of having your cake and eating it too, but it is kind of a "golden unicorn" scenario that is pretty much unachievable outside of a faith that supports it. As a side note, I think one of the worst things about being in a multiple-partner relationship is how you get treated by other people. The constant questions, the assumption that you're Mormon/FLDS, or that you're a swinger who has sex with anybody. And if a female in a poly-fidelity relationship doesn't want to have sex with other men and have children of unknown parentage, then be prepared to be rejected by most of the "poly" community who are really just a bunch of swingers in disguise. And if you don't subscribe to leftist politics, you'll be rejected by the poly folks as well because you are then a religious nut who is there to disrupt their libertine ways. I find it amazing how in the US we can accept gay people adopting kids, trans people, people of all kinds of religions, and people who have been divorced 5+ times. But have multiple faithful partners? Nope...too much for the American brain to handle. Even if the OP can make it work between W1 and W2, when it comes time to be a family and have kids they'd better be prepared for some strange responses and a lot of stress unless they are part of a close-knit community that will offer some support. I find that it somewhat limits my interactions with those outside my community. When I'm out with my husband, another wife, and maybe some of our kids it is pretty clear what's going on. When my babies are white and sitting next to children that are obviously of mixed ethnicity along with my white husband and another woman of different ethnicity, it is pretty easy for passers-by to guess our family dynamic. Edited November 23, 2019 by major_merrick Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 23, 2019 Share Posted November 23, 2019 When I'm out with my husband, another wife, and maybe some of our kids it is pretty clear what's going on. When my babies are white and sitting next to children that are obviously of mixed ethnicity along with my white husband and another woman of different ethnicity, it is pretty easy for passers-by to guess our family dynamic. Do you think it's the mixed ethnicity that clues them in or the fact that you sit on his lap while eating dinner? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted November 23, 2019 Share Posted November 23, 2019 Haha perhaps a bit of both.... If I'm snuggled in on one side and Wife #2 is behaving similarly, that's gonna be a clue. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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