Not sure how to deal with this

[spiderowl]

Sorry, I realise this is a bit long ...

 

I seem to be getting myself into a confused mess. I have had this odd, on-off 'relationship' with a guy for a while now. We saw each other mostly as friends at first, then the odd kiss, and recently it has become more. But all along I have felt we were incompatible. This is partly due to my reluctance to get involved with anyone - I start to back out if I have any doubts at all - and also that he is so different from me.

 

He is quite into eco things and an eastern religion. I am not against any of these things but there is a difference between being supportive and generally trying to do one's bit and being so embedded in it that every purchase or meal depends on what it contains, where it is from, etc. He lives very simplistically and frugally in many ways but at the same time, has a few special treats.

 

I feel we are very different. I grew up in a family where we were reminded we were lucky to have food on our plates. It was a farming area and, although I was not always happy with farming practices, it was a way people earned their living and had done for centuries. I did become veggie for a while later on and was happy to do so but have lapsed since. I do respect that way of life.

 

Now, I enjoy going out for meals, when it happens, like to watch TV and relax and do not have a particular religion, although I have an interest in the supernatural and have had experiences that mean something to me and could only be explained by some weird brain phenomenon or something beyond normal senses.

 

Anyway, the above is relevant. I have said on several occasions about our differences and compatibility but my friend seems to pretty much ignore this. He does not watch TV, sees it as unnecessary and corrupting. He seems to think most things that people have are unnecessary. He says we get on well. He wants to meet and go out. It is nice to go out places with a friend and we always have things to talk about. Fundamentally though, I am not feeling that special connection that I feel I need and I cannot be totally myself. It is like a friendship. He wants more and it is tempting to enjoy hugs and so on when you've spent the day with someone. It also seems churlish to try to avoid it purely on the basis of long-term compatibility issues.

 

We've had some times where we have been physical. There did not seem to be any harm in it and I was rather hoping it could be good for both of us, but I just ended up feeling 'pulled about' a lot and was actually aching. It's not deliberate but he is stronger than me and tends to move me rather than himself. Let's just say that I came away feeling dissatisfied and aching. I could teach him how to treat me but should I need to do this?

 

So things are not working between us really but for him they are! Despite my grumbles, I do like him and care about him. I don't want to hurt him. I just do not know how I can get out of this situation or even if I should. Could it get better if I spoke up more or are we just fundamentally incompatible? I must admit, I feel it's the latter. He seems to be wilfully ignoring my reservations which I think another person would take more seriously.

 

I feel there is a lack of kindness there too and I do not feel understood. I have health problems and his way of understanding the world seems to be that the way we think governs these things. Given that I've had to fight battles for any kind of help with the health problems because they are not visible from the outside, I find this upsetting. I do not feel it is intended to hurt me but simply that he has been fortunate in having good health and so does not understand. It bothers me a lot though and I have mentioned this but I don't think he realises the significance of this difference in understanding.

 

Sorry to ramble on. I am really confused. Can this sort of relationship work or have I got to get out of it? If I get out, how do I do that? I can only see that I would need to avoid seeing him, which would hurt him as he does seem to enjoy my company as I like his.

 

Apart from this, there is another guy I talk to on the phone a lot. I know he is interested in me but he is a lot older and has such a strong, dominating personality that it would not be a good idea to be more than friends with him. He has been going through a lot recently and I know it helps him to talk. We understand each other in some respects because we share a hobby and also have both suffered with depression. My other friend does not really understand depression. I do not intend to take this relationship further but we just support each other. He is also a super-intelligent guy, a true genius in my opinion (a former academic) and is interesting to talk to. He is also a highly emotional person and has a reputation for being quite fierce and unpredictable at times.

 

The problem is that due to the hobby (which I won't specify here), if I continue to the see the first guy, these two are likely to meet. While I am not committed to either of them and am only friends with the second guy, I worry about how he might react. So I have avoided certain places when out.

 

I find myself in this weird situation where I don't feel I have a proper relationship that meets my needs and yet I seem to be worrying about supporting others. Obviously these friendships are meeting needs in some ways, for company, talk, intellectual conversations, going out to places, but I can't imagine falling in love with either of these guys, just feeling great affection for them. I want them to be safe and happy.

 

Honestly, I do not know what I am doing. I'd feel guilty meeting anyone else but I have not promised anything to anyone. I know that does not absolve me of guilt in any way. What am I missing here and why can I not see a way to resolve these dilemmas? I don't need to be worrying about this at the moment, I feel I need support and care myself yet it is not there when I need it.

Edited November 16, 2019 by spiderowl

[preraph]

Don't stay with someone who has isolated himself from the real world like this. He's intolerant, he's unreasonable, he's fanatical, he's cut himself off from anything that might disagree with him. I know someone like this, and he is NOT a good husband. I refer to him as "The world according to Dwayne."

 

In the end he'll wear you down and if you have kids, he'll make oddballs out of them, mark my words.

[alphamale]

^^^this^^^

[spiderowl]

Thanks preraph and alpha. He does listen to other views but they do not seem to sway him much. I don't know that I feel he is intolerant so much as I cannot share the things I like with him. That means I can only half be myself.

 

Kids are not a problem, we are both well past that stage Well I am anyway, I know it's different for men.

[preraph]

Well, that's good.

 

I actually know two people with similar guys like this and they have worn them down to just avoid lectures and "information dumps" by just going along with their eating habits, their nutty political views, and everything else. Why put yourself through that. It should be fun, not restrictive and losing privileges, so to speak.

[Timshel]

It seems that you feel 'wrong' for not feeling more for these men, as if you should.

Love comes when it does. There isn't any thing wrong with not feeling it and I would suggest waiting for the real thing (this does exist.)

 

These two are probably best kept as friends and for you, Spiderowl, to not feel the need to accommodate person's to a point of pain...ever.

 

Most importantly, while you are spinning with two people who are incompatible, you are distracted and may miss an important person.

[LivingWaterPlease]

You're fine being friends with the second guy, IMO, because I doubt you're at all attracted to him.

 

The first guy, though, I think could be problematic for you because you have so little in common and such different perspectives yet you seem to enjoy his company. I think it's possible attachment to him could creep up on you and though you could never commit to him, you could grow to love him more deeply than you realize thereby being in a lot of pain when he moves on to someone who can commit to him. Or just leaves the R because he knows he needs more than you can give him.

[alphamale]

I would just avoid both clowns

[basil67]

Could it get better if I spoke up more or are we just fundamentally incompatible? I must admit, I feel it's the latter. He seems to be wilfully ignoring my reservations which I think another person would take more seriously.

 

I'm not sure what you could achieve by speaking up more. Given that he is who he is, what outcome would you be aiming to achieve?

[spiderowl]

Well, that's good.

 

I actually know two people with similar guys like this and they have worn them down to just avoid lectures and "information dumps" by just going along with their eating habits, their nutty political views, and everything else. Why put yourself through that. It should be fun, not restrictive and losing privileges, so to speak.

 

You've definitely got a point there preraph. I do feel that I'm losing in some way even though he is obviously very interested. He doesn't try to push me to be like him but I know if I spend time with him, I will be eating veggie food and that he has little understanding of my health problems. It makes me feel lonely.

[spiderowl]

It seems that you feel 'wrong' for not feeling more for these men, as if you should.

Love comes when it does. There isn't any thing wrong with not feeling it and I would suggest waiting for the real thing (this does exist.)

 

These two are probably best kept as friends and for you, Spiderowl, to not feel the need to accommodate person's to a point of pain...ever.

 

Most importantly, while you are spinning with two people who are incompatible, you are distracted and may miss an important person.

 

I hadn't thought of it like that Timshel but I do feel guilty that I don't feel more for them. I do care about them as friends and I'd never want to hurt them. Quite honestly, I don't know why they don't just give up on me. It must be frustrating for them to feel I'm so non-committal all the time.

[spiderowl]

You're fine being friends with the second guy, IMO, because I doubt you're at all attracted to him.

 

The first guy, though, I think could be problematic for you because you have so little in common and such different perspectives yet you seem to enjoy his company. I think it's possible attachment to him could creep up on you and though you could never commit to him, you could grow to love him more deeply than you realize thereby being in a lot of pain when he moves on to someone who can commit to him. Or just leaves the R because he knows he needs more than you can give him.

 

This is possible LivingWater. I am physically attracted to the first guy and more mentally attracted to the second. I am really confused. Neither of these 'relationships' is leading to anything for me. I feel responsible for them too. I don't know, I have been on my own a long time, not committed to anyone. I don't want to be 'tied' to anyone.

[spiderowl]

I'm not sure what you could achieve by speaking up more. Given that he is who he is, what outcome would you be aiming to achieve?

 

I'm not sure. Maybe he's right and we get on well. Maybe I just need to communicate better with him. I can't expect him to assume I'm physically robust. I have told him I'm very sensitive but I'm not sure he knows what that means. I am much more sensitive than other people due to health reasons.

 

I'm worried I may have led him on by not refusing to meet again or by allowing it to become physical. I wasn't intending to lead him on, I have kept saying we are not compatible.

[Timshel]

We've had some times where we have been physical. There did not seem to be any harm in it and I was rather hoping it could be good for both of us, but I just ended up feeling 'pulled about' a lot and was actually aching. It's not deliberate but he is stronger than me and tends to move me rather than himself. Let's just say that I came away feeling dissatisfied and aching. I could teach him how to treat me but should I need to do this?

 

 

This is just a no spiderowl. Just no.

 

 

I don't want to hurt him.

He seems to be wilfully ignoring my reservations which I think another person would take more seriously.

 

I feel there is a lack of kindness there too and I do not feel understood, I find this upsetting. I do not feel it is intended to hurt me but simply that he has been fortunate in having good health and so does not understand. It bothers me a lot though and I have mentioned this but I don't think he realises the significance of this difference in understanding.

 

 

I worry about how he might react. So I have avoided certain places when out.

 

I find myself in this weird situation where I don't feel I have a proper relationship that meets my needs and yet I seem to be worrying about supporting others. I want them to be safe and happy.

 

I know that does not absolve me of guilt in any way. What am I missing here and why can I not see a way to resolve these dilemmas? I don't need to be worrying about this at the moment, I feel I need support and care myself yet it is not there when I need it.

 

 

What guilt, why do you feel guilty? Alpha is right, loose both of these guys and receive care for yourself, they are both draining you, like the emotional vampires that they are. You have to work on setting boundaries for yourself.

What are you doing to extricate yourself from users? Kindness does not equal complacency or passivity.

[preraph]

My passive friend with the know-it-all and vegetarian boyfriend actually made herself get really sick I'm going along with him trying not to rock the boat. And it wasn't just the food. she gets tired easy because like me she's of a certain age and she's still working hard and has painful psoriatic arthritis and it's on some hard drugs for it, cancer type drugs.

 

she told him she need to be at her house more and have more space basically because he was wanting to be together all the time. And he just ignored her. she pleaded with him to have Friday to herself because you know how exhausted you are at the end of a work week and the state of leaving her alone he would come over with a bag of bean burritos like he was doing her a big favor. Not only did she not want him there at all but she didn't want bean burritos because she needs to eat some meat to stay healthy and keep for strength up. she finally made herself sick going along with it had to go back to the doctor.

 

That stunt of making up an excuse to come over when you've been asked to leave me alone would have been enough to make me cut him off, but like I said she is very passive.

 

You can get into some real manipulative things and it's best just to try to be with someone you have more in common with that you don't have to amend your daily routines.

[mark clemson]

Sometimes having some differences is positive as it allows for growth (on both partners' parts) towards something a bit new and different. However honestly this sounds like "too much" difference/incompatibility and possibly all/most of the growth would be from you.

[chillii]

l think you'd be setting yourself up for a pretty miserable existence myself.

known a couple of similar women , not gf's , just women but , they can't help themselves.

And in time once the on good behaviors over the more your around them the more their crap starts coming out, little lectures and looks and disapproval's and bs.

 

Both these two are actually quite nice but once you've been around them awhile you just wanna get the hell out of there and away from them in the end.

[schlumpy]

There is something there with the two men you are interacting with but it's not enough and they are keeping you in limbo. You are not actively thinking out of the box and looking elsewhere.

 

Looking elsewhere requires energy which something, that for you, is in short supply.

 

I do know one true thing Spider, and that's as the months and years roll by it won't be any easier. If finding someone to spend your life with is what you want you will have to take what time effort you have and direct it to that cause.

 

It may be unromantic. I like to see things naturally fall into place but you aren't a teenager and can skip much of the pre-relationship stuff that is used to decide if someone is compatible. Your instincts are honed.

 

When you realize that a relationship isn't going anywhere you need to cast the SO adrift. You don't have to be hard-hearted about it but you are not responsible for their happiness and by sending them on their way you may be doing all that is in your power to ensure that happiness as you search for your own.

 

If you don't do this for yourself, no one else will.

[spiderowl]

Thanks for all your comments, they have made me think about things that I hadn't.

 

I want to stress I am not being pressured by these guys. I am sad that we are not compatible. I am wondering if it would be the same with anyone now, that I'd feel incompatible - I suspect so, which makes me feel ever more depressed about the future.

 

I was veggie for a long time and could be again. I have every respect for people who are. I feel very mixed about not being so any longer.

 

Both guys have tried to bend to make me happy and I feel bad about that. I haven't asked either of them to, because I wasn't looking for a relationship. However, it's the mental connection that just does not seem right, although I can spend a long time talking with either of them and we get on well. I feel that I'm being very ungrateful in some ways because I just don't feel enough compatibility.

 

Schlumpy is right, time is not on my side. I am coming to the conclusion that compatibility might not be possible any more and that there is no point seeking it.