Toni_no12002 Posted October 2, 2005 Share Posted October 2, 2005 Hi well you all probably know my problems already i blag on about em enough!I need some things to try to make myself think more positivley about myself phsyical and mental stuff!Help.I dont know where to bloody start. I look in the mirror and ask myself without comparing myself to others" am i pretty" The answer is always bloody no!My stupid brain lol Its suposed to say YES.But i dont feel it. I am a nice person.Well im not nasty to people i always put others first.Im not bossy etc. But i need somewhere to start! What can i do i want to feel pretty on the outside as well as in!People never compliment me.Probably because i always have a face like a smacked arse lol So help in anyway you can please maybe then ill stop bloody moaning! Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted October 2, 2005 Share Posted October 2, 2005 You'll find life is a lot more enjoyable if you turn your attention away from yourself. Rather than constantly thinking about you, get involved in volunteer activities or somewhere where people are in need and you can do some good. People are more than their faces and if all you do is focus on whether you're 'pretty' or not, you'll be no fun at all to be around. You perhaps have heard 'pretty is as pretty does'. It means that it doesn't matter what your face is like if you are a nice person. Stay away from the mirror and find things to do that will occupy your mind and keep it off yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted October 2, 2005 Share Posted October 2, 2005 That is something you will have to find for yourself Toni. None of us on here know you personally that we can list your good qualities. I can give some advice on how to find things about yourself to make you feel better though. Me, personally, not that great to look at. I don't turn heads when I walk down the street, but then too I don't turn heads away in revulsion either. I guess I am just average looking. At least in my mind. What I do, I look back at my life and the things I have accomplished. Sometimes, they might not seem like much to you, but they can be things that others would never be able to do. For instance, I spent 4 years in the Marine Corps, and I excelled in it, received meritorious promotions that I had to beat out over 500 other Marines to earn. I spent time in a dozen foriegn lands on 3 different continents. And the day I left for boot camp, you would never in a million years believe I could make it through a week of boot camp, much less excel in the Marine Corps. And none of my friends and very few people I know even had the courage to try doing that. That gives me a real sense of pride. Not the fake, strutting about acting like I am better than others. But a real sense that I accomplished something in my life that others fear to even try. So I don't strut, I walk with my head high and my back straight because I know I have accomplished something. You need to find that thing about you that you can be proud of. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toni_no12002 Posted October 2, 2005 Author Share Posted October 2, 2005 Thats the thing though.Im like one of those people if anyone has a problem theyll talk to Toni(me).I like helping people with there problems.I love listening but everyone seems to think that i dont have problems of my own.I told one of my friends that i was going to counselling the other day.It means alot to me.Im a little scared actually.But she just carried on with her own problems.Im happy to help her but i need someone there for me to.I feel like im just there for everyone elses convienience.Its like stuff Toni she will be fine my problems worse so listen to me.I realise that to them there problem is bad but thats all i do listen to there probs. One friend only rings me up if shes upset.If im upset it doesnt matter!I do have friends that are actaul friends but i darent tell them anything incase the same happens. I know looks dont mean everything but nowadays the way you look is drummed into are heads through tv and magazines.Like fashion ,or you have to be below a certain size to be right.I know deep down looks arent everything but tell that to these magazines and celebs.Its like we are in a constant battle to try and look the best. Ive seen pics of some of these celebs without make up and there not that special when they havent got all there make up off and there hairs not done,and they havent had airbrushing.The thing is they know there good looking!Maybe thats where i go wrong. I seem like im obbsessed about looks and maybe i am too much.But the only reason i feel like this is because i feel that i have to keep up with everyone. I dont wear make up.I hate it.Makes your skin worse!I did hair and beauty at college so i know how to make myself look nice but i feel im missing something. I am a nice person im not nasty.But ive had a lad dump me for my sister before.His excuse was "shes prettier than you.Oh but you have got a better personality!" so really my personality didnt get me anywhere! Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted October 2, 2005 Share Posted October 2, 2005 Ain't life grand? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toni_no12002 Posted October 2, 2005 Author Share Posted October 2, 2005 yea great! life sux.Its a bloody pain. Sometimes i think what do i actaully want? its hard because i dont really bloody know!Maybe i want to feel more attractive.I dont actually know if i am attractive or not but if i felt attractive i dont think it would matter! Link to post Share on other sites
PYT Posted October 3, 2005 Share Posted October 3, 2005 It takes some work but they will teach you how to think more objectively if you work at them and that alone with keep you from upsetting yourself so much. I see you blowing things out of proportion in your posts and I used to do that too and once you learn not to you will feel a lot better and be a lot happier. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 3, 2005 Share Posted October 3, 2005 I dont actually know if i am attractive or not but if i felt attractive i dont think it would matter! You are right. It won't matter a bit. If you don't feel it, its hard to think of oneself as attractive. I can say this much - judging from your avatar you are physically attractive. A very pretty girl. That and a dollar fifty will get you a cup of coffee somewhere. But, at least you are at a point where you are questioning how you feel and you want a way out of yourself. You gotta start somewhere. As for people not complementing you - well, that comes largely from the walls you put around yourself and the way you carry yourself. Even the most attractive of people won't be seen that way if they are silently shouting out "I'm not attractive!" Its not your physical looks - its how your inner self affects those physical looks. Your body language alone probably says a lot, as well. When you are walking about, do you keep your head down and your shoulders slumped or do you keep your head up and your shoulders back? I've seen some less-than-attractive women walking with a confident purpose - like they own the place and that makes all the difference. I know looks dont mean everything but nowadays the way you look is drummed into are heads through tv and magazines.Like fashion ,or you have to be below a certain size to be right.I know deep down looks arent everything but tell that to these magazines and celebs.Its like we are in a constant battle to try and look the best. Ain't that the truth! The media is a terrible thing for people who have self-esteem problems. It can take a tiny bit of insecurity and blow it up disproportionately. Those celebs battle themselves down to the zero point on the scale, and doll themselves up like that because that is what sells them. Its not about feeling good about themselves. Its about bringing in that bottom dollar amount for the people who sell them, and who they answer to. The designers that supply their clothes. The cosmetics companies that they act as a billboard for - its all about selling stuff through themselves. The pressure is enormous to have that 'look' and if they don't the tabloids happily exploit every flaw that makes them human. They are supposed to be more human than human. The porn issue can't be helping either. No matter what anyone says, we aren't you sitting there wondering why you aren't good enough - why your guy has to be looking at other body parts when yours are perfectly good as they are. I know how that is (not the porn part really, but in general). I feel it every time I see a size two blond hottie with a slamming body walking by. I feel it every time one of my male friends bitches to me about why they can't find "hot women". It is an ongoing thing and the key is that you have to consciously choose not to let it get to you. You have to remind yourself every day - otherwise you get yourself mired down in your own feelings of "why am I not like that". If you give in to that, its like quicksand or tar - every step you try to take traps you deeper down. It sucks, to be honest. I am only now later in my life realizing that I am not the 'short end of the stick' measure of those things and people around me. I am me, and I'm happy with that. Sometimes I indulge in some self pity. Hell, my personal blog is pretty much nothing but mental self-pity masturbation. I read it, and its damn near a parody of the typical 'self conscious' girl. Gotta get it out somehow though. It sounds like you are a 'people pleaser' in that you want people around you to like you, and you don't want to burden people with the things that people burden you with. That doesn't mean you have to be a doormat or and emotional tampon for people. You have to find and set your boundaries. You have to say "I don't care if this person likes me" - sometimes just throwing off that obligation makes you realize that you don't have to be that way for people. They'll like you as you are. If they don't - then guess what? They aren't your friend to begin with. You are a sounding board. Next time someone invites you to the pity party, just listen - say what you want to say in terms of what they need and say "I have a problem too, maybe you can help me out" and you never know. They might like being asked! Link to post Share on other sites
Aimée Posted October 3, 2005 Share Posted October 3, 2005 You're a bit passive-aggressive which won't help you if you want to improve your situation. I doubt though that you will manage to overcome this internal problem without doing something outward, like working out or losing weight. I can assure you though that looking better without really dealing with one's problems of self-esteem will still not help that much. I can speak of personal experience, when I was younger I wasn't really pretty (or at least I didn't feel very pretty) and I felt quite bad about it. I always thought, when I look better things will change, I will be more successful with guys and popular, in short, life will be much better than it was then. I got my act together and improved my looks, guys started noticing me more, but guess what, life was still not as fantastic as I had imagined it to be. I was still the same shy and insecure person, less shy and less insecure as I was before, but being pretty did not solve all my problems as I had imagined. I came to realize that when you want to make friends it depends a lot on your personality, how open you are, how friendly and kind you are. You could be a ravishing beauty, but if you sit in the corner and don't have anything interesting to say nobody will care to strike up a conversation with you. I know other pretty girls and they meet a lot less people, even less than I do, because they are very passive and have a somewhat pessimistic outlook on life. And then you have girls who look average, but radiate so much warmth and happiness that people feel attracted to them regardless of their looks. Unless you're really really ugly you should know that personality counts a lot and can make people overlook your physical flaws. It's important foremost to be happy with oneself, looks can help, but imagine you're really beautiful. It would make it easier to make guys fall in love with you, but I bet a lot of these beauties sometimes wonder if their guy really loves them for themselves or if it's not just for the way they look. Maybe he would dump them the moment he found someone else who was more beautiful. Or maybe he would leave her when she lost her beauty in an accident. You could be beautiful and still be insecure as hell inside and not a bit more happy than you are now, because the grass is always greener on the other side. I read a book about Susan Jeffers on overcoming one's fears (look for it on Amazon) and I found it to be very helpful in coming to peace with oneself. And google for "awful plastic surgery". You'll see that a lot of the stars also suffer from insecurities and try with every means to preserve their youth. This unfortunately can lead to some frightening end results as this website demonstrates. There's also a lot of pressure on them to look good, be glad you're not living in this kind of environment where your worth as a woman depends on your youth and beauty, both which fade fast. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toni_no12002 Posted October 3, 2005 Author Share Posted October 3, 2005 Thankyou all for your posts! I realise that beauty doesnt get you anywhere really.Maybe i dont want to be prettier but i want to feel pretty.If that makes sense!My boyfriend tells me he loves me everyday but because i am so negative i dont belive him.I think i need to start by building my self confidence.Im going to see a counsellor soon which will hopefully get me to like myself more.I hope it works because i dont want to be like this forever!The thing with me is that everyone tells me things but sometimes i dont want to believe it.Like you say that just because someones beautiful doesnt mean that everyone likes them. I think i need to accept myself more the way i am.I can never be anybody else im me!That does get me down but i suppose thats what my counsellor will help me with.Thankyou everyone Link to post Share on other sites
PYT Posted October 13, 2005 Share Posted October 13, 2005 I'm glad you are going to get some counseling. I hope you can find one that uses cbt because it will teach you the exercises you need to think more objectively and build your self esteem. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toni_no12002 Posted October 13, 2005 Author Share Posted October 13, 2005 Hi thanks im getting counselling this tuesday.Im a little nervous.I know i have a problem but im not exactly sure what it is.If the counsellor asks me what my problem is what can i say? i dont know where to start! Link to post Share on other sites
PYT Posted October 13, 2005 Share Posted October 13, 2005 Just tell the counselor as much as you can about what troubles you and they should be able to deductively come up with several ideas how to help you. It's their job to figure out how to help you so don't put any unnnecessary pressure on yourself It's normal to be nervous and hopefully the counselor will make you feel at ease (they usually do). You may want to ask them if they use cbt in their practice because I think it would be helpful to you. Let us know how it goes and good for you for making the appt Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toni_no12002 Posted October 14, 2005 Author Share Posted October 14, 2005 Thanks alot i hope all goes well! Link to post Share on other sites
PYT Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 How did it go and how are you doing now Toni? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toni_no12002 Posted November 3, 2005 Author Share Posted November 3, 2005 I qwent to counselling and he said i dont trust people very well and im anxious.He suggested that i start this gropu in the new year.To speak to other people and im seeing him next week to talk abit more about anxiety and assertiveness. Link to post Share on other sites
Sunset Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 What is CBT everyone? Link to post Share on other sites
scobro Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 What can i do i want to feel pretty on the outside as well as in! You should go to the bloody gym(sorry Im canadian saying bloody sounds so cool to me;) seriously lifting weights will send endorphins which will put you in a state of well being plus you will tone up and look bloody marvelous (you will have to beat the wankers off with a stick after pints at the pub with bangers and mash) Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 I qwent to counselling and he said i dont trust people very well and im anxious.He suggested that i start this gropu in the new year.To speak to other people and im seeing him next week to talk abit more about anxiety and assertiveness. I'm sorry that I missed your post yesterday Toni. I'm so glad that you were finally able to get in to the counselor. You know you're not alone. There are so many people that suffer from anxiety. You've talked a bit about your past here, I would definitely bring that up to the counselor when you see him next. I think it will play a pivotal role in your therapy. Hope things go well with him next week Sunset, CBT is cognitive behavioral therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toni_no12002 Posted November 5, 2005 Author Share Posted November 5, 2005 im seeing him on tuesday so hopefully i can talk to him about it all then Link to post Share on other sites
etc_etc Posted November 5, 2005 Share Posted November 5, 2005 Hi Toni, I've just read the previous messages and I'd like to offer you a compliment: the fact that you not only want to change the way you feel but are DOING something about it shows strength of character - I hope it all goes well. Link to post Share on other sites
PYT Posted November 9, 2005 Share Posted November 9, 2005 I qwent to counselling and he said i dont trust people very well and im anxious.He suggested that i start this gropu in the new year.To speak to other people and im seeing him next week to talk abit more about anxiety and assertiveness. GREAT JOB! The first step is often the hardest and now you have taken it:D I hope he is able to help you and groups can be really good so I hope you give that a try as well. Did he say if he was qualified to teach you cbt? Regardless good work and let us know how it is going? Link to post Share on other sites
PYT Posted November 9, 2005 Share Posted November 9, 2005 What is CBT everyone? Cognitive behavioral therapy. It teaches you to identify the thinking errors that cause us to be upset or anxious and uses a few simple exercises to help you counter and eliminate all the thinking errors you are making. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toni_no12002 Posted November 10, 2005 Author Share Posted November 10, 2005 Hi im not sure if he does cbt but hes told me things and they do actually make sense.He says that im anxious to begin with so i panic about things and its like being on a rollercoaster because adrenalin pumps around your body .He said to relax more i have to do some exercise.Then next time hes talking about being assertive and teaching me some relaxation techniques.It does make sense but just hope it works! Link to post Share on other sites
loveheart59 Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 I used to be like you but one day I deciede that I was gonna put myself in a zone where no-one was better than me and no-one was worse than me. It works for me, if you dont compare then it gives you more time to concentrate on the good things you have got. I do get really nice comments about my face anyway but I dont exactly have the most womanly body in the world. Lately Ive been looking at pictures of people who have the same body shape as me (e.g Cameron Diaz). If I looked at people like Jennifer lopez i'd go f***in crazy!!! Lol! Another thing I do is smile when I look in the mirror coz it lets me see the attractiveness inside of me that people see when they fancy me or expressions my family love about me. Link to post Share on other sites
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