Should I apologize to him?

[Fleiss]

Hi..So, I have posted here about this guy who lives a 2-hour flight away, and our 1-year long-distance contact, with us - both in late 30's - meeting in January 2019, and planning to meet upcoming May (2020), upon his return from work abroad.)

 

Me developing a crush on him and letting him know about it boomeranged on me, as he apparently wanted to take things (more) slowly, which he also demonstrated through texting, in responding at least 3 times unreasonably late to my messages - 2 to 5 days..

 

Thus, during these 3 cases, I deleted his number, and during the last two cases asked him to not contact me anymore, as I found his way of communicating disrespectful. During the first two times, he said that maintaining contact was more important than how quick the response was.

 

Regarding the third case, when he left my message "unread" for at least 2 days, though he was only at least 4 times, I decided to not read his delayed response and end it all, but he sent me another text after 4 days asking me how the week was going... I was weak, and reacted, while also telling him there was no point of going on like this..He responded saying that I was being disrespectful, and that I should also have blocked him. I answered saying that maybe he was right about it but that I had found blocking to be a bit extreme..

 

We reconciled, but in hindsight now, I feel that during these cases I came off as rather needy and pushy, instead of being reasonable, considering, in particular, distance between us, and us not being on the same page, emotionally speaking. (He had told at the very beginning that he also likes me. And, recently, when I asked him again, he told me he had liked sex with me and considered me a very good friend.)

 

Last time we texted was 8 days ago, me being just brief and polite to his message..

 

All things considered, should I extend him an apology, no matter how our contact proceeds? (I feel pretty ashamed of me having adopted a predominately emotional approach instead of being more rational..)

Edited November 18, 2019 by Fleiss
Addition

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you should worry less about seeming needy on this occasion and more about the overall (in)feasibility of this relationship.

 

He sees you as a good friend, according to what you have reported here about his own words. You clearly want more. He is fine letting a few days pass with no contact because he doesn't view this as seriously as you do, in that you appear to want daily communication in the manner a boyfriend might communicate with you. Neither of you is wrong, so to speak, but you don't want the same things from this.

 

Do you really want to put yourself on hold for a guy you have only met in person once, and won't see again for several more months? Are you dating others? Is he?

[stillafool]

I agree you seem far more invested that he does. With the "I like sex with you and consider you a very good friend", yikes. He told you right there that is as far as it goes. Also with the distance, only meeting once in a year? Why can't you find a man closer to you that you can actually date?

[Fleiss]

I think you should worry less about seeming needy on this occasion and more about the overall (in)feasibility of this relationship.

 

He sees you as a good friend, according to what you have reported here about his own words. You clearly want more. He is fine letting a few days pass with no contact because he doesn't view this as seriously as you do, in that you appear to want daily communication in the manner a boyfriend might communicate with you. Neither of you is wrong, so to speak, but you don't want the same things from this.

 

Do you really want to put yourself on hold for a guy you have only met in person once, and won't see again for several more months? Are you dating others? Is he?

Thanks for the input. As to feasibility, I don't think the whole thing might go beyond friendship and sex. I would have felt OK with that, if I hadn't felt for him and -worse - told him about my feelings.

 

In one of our messages, following our third reconciliation about a month ago I asked him if we were in a "love and hate" relationship, to which he replied: "We surely like each other."

 

Yes, I have been dating others, as well - I think he's been doing that, too - considering the way things between us proceeded from the very beginning.

[Fleiss]

I agree you seem far more invested that he does. With the "I like sex with you and consider you a very good friend", yikes. He told you right there that is as far as it goes. Also with the distance, only meeting once in a year? Why can't you find a man closer to you that you can actually date?

 

Thanks, you're right. As I stressed it in my post, I couldn't be rational enough with him, and somehow got stuck with this irregular contact to this point

I have always wanted to find someone local, and not fall for a foreign visitor, but this guy infatuated me..

[Fleiss]

Thanks for the input. As to feasibility, I don't think the whole thing might go beyond friendship and sex. I would have felt OK with that, if I hadn't felt for him and -worse - told him about my feelings.

 

In one of our messages, following our third reconciliation about a month ago I asked him if we were in a "love and hate" relationship, to which he replied: "We surely like each other."

 

Yes, I have been dating others, as well - I think he's been doing that, too - considering the way things between us proceeded from the very beginning.

 

To clarify something: I have never sought daily communication..I have just asked him to reply reasonably in time at least to a message of mine involving a direct question.

[ExpatInItaly]

To clarify something: I have never sought daily communication..I have just asked him to reply reasonably in time at least to a message of mine involving a direct question.

 

That's the thing, though, Fleiss.

 

What's reasonable to you might not be to someone else, and vice versa. It's too subjective a term to apply to others. When they don't reply within a time frame we are comfortable with, we have to remember that they are operating on their own timelines - just as we are. If they take days to reply, they're showing you very clearly that you are not really a priority. There is no sense fighting about it, but you need to know when you're best to just walk away and drop the idea of getting closer to someone who isn't reciprocating.

[Fleiss]

That's the thing, though, Fleiss.

 

What's reasonable to you might not be to someone else, and vice versa. It's too subjective a term to apply to others. When they don't reply within a time frame we are comfortable with, we have to remember that they are operating on their own timelines - just as we are. If they take days to reply, they're showing you very clearly that you are not really a priority. There is no sense fighting about it, but you need to know when you're best to just walk away and drop the idea of getting closer to someone who isn't reciprocating.

You're right.. What do you suggest that I do from now on?

[ExpatInItaly]

You're right.. What do you suggest that I do from now on?

 

I would focus on finding someone local.

 

Based on what you have written here and in past threads about this man, it's not going to wind up in a relationship.

[Fleiss]

I would focus on finding someone local.

 

Based on what you have written here and in past threads about this man, it's not going to wind up in a relationship.

Right, but I meant should I go "no contact", or act cold if he texts me again?

[stillafool]

You are pretty much in "no contact" or very little as it is. Since he is clear he wants to move at a snails pace (or not at all) just block him and mean it this time. You cannot be his friend because you want more.

[Fleiss]

You are pretty much in "no contact" or very little as it is. Since he is clear he wants to move at a snails pace (or not at all) just block him and mean it this time. You cannot be his friend because you want more.

 

You're right..It's the best thing to do. Thanks both of you for the considerate and thoughtful feedback.

[Fleiss]

Update.. After 1 week of me having blocked him, he texted me through another number 2 hours ago asking how my family and I are doing after the earthquake - my country was hit this early morning. I replied saying "We're ok. Thanks"

 

Then he sends another message asking why I had blocked him, and that he still likes me. I read it but I gave no response..

 

Some minutes later, he sent a third message: "Let us please establish contact again. We like each other."

 

What a narcissist and manipulator of him, now saying "please", after having blatantly ignored me on 3 separate occasions before.

 

Should I just leave it "unread"? (What goes around, comes around.)

 

 

(P.S. the title of the original thread, and the final part of it, sounds a bit irrelevant now, and it was related to me feeling a moment of weakness then, in that I could have managed the communication much better. )

Edited November 26, 2019 by Fleiss

[stillafool]

If you blocked him on one number, why not the other one too? He has clearly stated he views you as a friend and friends normally "like" each other. Nothing has changed on his end so why are you still entertaining this guy? You can read it but it doesn't mean anything, and then block that number too.

[vla1120]

You can either simply block that second number and not give it another thought, or you can tell him there is no future so it's easier on both of you to just stop communication altogether (then block him.)

[Fleiss]

If you blocked him on one number, why not the other one too? He has clearly stated he views you as a friend and friends normally "like" each other. Nothing has changed on his end so why are you still entertaining this guy? You can read it but it doesn't mean anything, and then block that number too.

 

Of course, I am not going back to where I was before..Furthermore, I treated him as an exception, as I always leave early myself if communication with someone doesn't flow smoothly enough.

 

I don't want to entertain him; I just want him to feel somewhat ignored through my passive aggressiveness.

Edited November 26, 2019 by Fleiss

[Fleiss]

You can either simply block that second number and not give it another thought, or you can tell him there is no future so it's easier on both of you to just stop communication altogether (then block him.)

You're right..I just wanna leave him on "unread" for some hours, first.

[TheFinalWord]

Kind of a cruel reality that you are going to have to face...

 

 

Men often change their opinion about a woman once they've had sex with her. Once that mystery, and for lack of a better word, lust, for that person has been met, they think more rationally.

 

 

If he was into you, your communication request would be totally fine and your sharing of feelings welcome.

 

 

He just doesn't see this progressing and now that he's had sex, he sees things differently. This is why the advice is to wait until someone is invested emotionally, not just physically, before having sex.

[stillafool]

You're right..I just wanna leave him on "unread" for some hours, first.

 

Do you really think that is going to make a difference? I doubt it. By not blocking both numbers you showed him you are playing games. Not attractive and he can read right through what you're trying to do.

[ExpatInItaly]

You're right..I just wanna leave him on "unread" for some hours, first.

 

Fleiss, when you're resorting to tactics like this, you have to understand that the relationship (so to speak) is not mature enough to develop into anything serious.

 

This is what teens do, not grown adults.

[Fleiss]

Do you really think that is going to make a difference? I doubt it. By not blocking both numbers you showed him you are playing games. Not attractive and he can read right through what you're trying to do.

 

This time blocking was something that happened within a couple of hours, with me offering a quick explanation too, and asking him to not use other numbers to reach me.

[Fleiss]

Fleiss, when you're resorting to tactics like this, you have to understand that the relationship (so to speak) is not mature enough to develop into anything serious.

 

This is what teens do, not grown adults.

 

I blocked him again after a couple of hours; I had had enough of him.

[stillafool]

This time blocking was something that happened within a couple of hours, with me offering a quick explanation too, and asking him to not use other numbers to reach me.

 

But why ask him to not use other numbers when you could easily block those other numbers too so he can't call them?

[Fleiss]

But why ask him to not use other numbers when you could easily block those other numbers too so he can't call them?

 

You mean there is the option on the phone preventing unknown numbers to get in touch with you? But what if someone else who really needs to contact me but cannot, due to me having made this impossible..

[ExpatInItaly]

I blocked him again after a couple of hours; I had had enough of him.

 

That's going to be for the best.

 

This wasn't heading in the direction you hoped. It's much better not to waste any more time on this man who clearly does not want the same things you do.