Boundary issue

[Chesty]

So some of this may sound petty but need some outside advice as my counselor is not available for next 2 weeks. Stepson is a football fan of a particular team. In our family room - against my wishes, he and my wife put up a lot of football memorilbilia for his team. This was several months ago. At first as a joke we used to change stuff around (me and his younger brother) just to tease him good natured wise. Wife asked me to stop as he was getting upset ( in previous posts he's the 17 year old that mom coddles). So when asked several months ago I stopped as asked. Now I have one small statue of my favorite team that I places up in family room on a table. For the past 2 weeks her son has been taking it and hiding it every day. I finally got fed up with it and put a sign under it stating "do not touch". My wife is now pissed and claims that I am being selfish and she can't take it anymore. My counselor told me that I needed to start standing for myself and not be a doormat and I am taking that to heart. I realize that this is a petty issue but I am done being disrespected in my own home. Now my wife told me "you can put it up - in your new house"... you can make your own deductions what that means. She also stated that she needed to spend more time with her kids. The past 3 weekends she went to CA twice with her kids to see a football game and spend time Witcher parents. This past weekends the 17 years olds bday so the entire weekend was dedicated to him. He goes to private school that has him homeschooled on Tuesday and Thursday. Wife dedicates Monday Friday and the weekends to doing stuff with the older one. Tuesday and Thursday nights are dedicated to helping him get his homeschool stuff done - as he plays on internet during day when he is supposed to be doing work. So basically if I am lucky I get an hour or so on SOME Wednesday nights to spend time with her alone. When I try to talk to her about it and state that I need to have some time with her too then I am called selfish etc. She made the "you can put it up in your new house " statement is the tipping point for me... I just came to the "**** it I don't care" point. She told me her kids don't like me - to be blunt I don't care if they do or not - my job is to be a parent (stepparent) not their friend. I drive her youngest to/from school every morning and part of me wants to sy screw it why should I drive him to?from when he doesn't like me and only person who gets anything out of it is my wife as she doesn't have to. My counselor told me to stop being the doormat and although this may be petty its my first step to not allowing others to walk over me. Advice please.

[vla1120]

Considering the 15-yr-old does not need to be coddled by your wife, I still question what is "off" about this situation with the 17-yr-old. Is he on the spectrum? Does he have diagnosed (or undiagnosed) emotional issues? I just don't understand why she makes such allowances for the 17-yr-old when the 15-yr-old is self-sufficient, but I digress. If he is special needs, then I would understand why your wife makes allowances for him, why he needs to attend a private school and spends two of those days being homeschooled.

 

Speaking from experience, step-children sometimes act out and feel resentful of a step-parent they view as trying to take their parent's time away from them. The whole football memorabilia issue could have been a harmless prank - a way to poke fun at one another, but it looks like it took a turn for the worse. Is that the hill you want to die on?

 

Also, your wife said her sons do not like you. What have you done to try to build a healthy relationship with them? If I were you, that would be my starting point. I would work with her sons, together and individually, to build some common ground on which to meet.

 

Finally, are both you and your wife in family therapy together? I only ask because (again, speaking from experience) sometimes a therapist will give you advice, or sympathize with your issue, because she is YOUR therapist. If a therapist is speaking to you AND your wife about your family together, they are more apt to give advice based on what is best for the entire family, not just from one person's point of view.

[Chesty]

Considering the 15-yr-old does not need to be coddled by your wife, I still question what is "off" about this situation with the 17-yr-old. Is he on the spectrum? Does he have diagnosed (or undiagnosed) emotional issues? I just don't understand why she makes such allowances for the 17-yr-old when the 15-yr-old is self-sufficient, but I digress. If he is special needs, then I would understand why your wife makes allowances for him, why he needs to attend a private school and spends two of those days being homeschooled.

 

Speaking from experience, step-children sometimes act out and feel resentful of a step-parent they view as trying to take their parent's time away from them. The whole football memorabilia issue could have been a harmless prank - a way to poke fun at one another, but it looks like it took a turn for the worse. Is that the hill you want to die on?

 

Also, your wife said her sons do not like you. What have you done to try to build a healthy relationship with them? If I were you, that would be my starting point. I would work with her sons, together and individually, to build some common ground on which to meet.

 

Finally, are both you and your wife in family therapy together? I only ask because (again, speaking from experience) sometimes a therapist will give you advice, or sympathize with your issue, because she is YOUR therapist. If a therapist is speaking to you AND your wife about your family together, they are more apt to give advice based on what is best for the entire family, not just from one person's point of view.

 

He is not special needs - wife claims he "remembers" her during divorce when he was 3 years old. My counselor said that would be extraordinary and much more likely wife used him to comfort herself during the divorce and continues to lean on him in an unhealthy manner n her opinion. I have lived with autistic kids for 2 years as my best friend needed someplace to stay and I know what autism looks like. I've known both of my friend's autistic kids since they were babies so I'm very ell versed in autism. He has been tested according to wife and is NOT autistic. Yes I have reached out and tried to do stuff with the kids - from helping with homework inviting them to do stuff with me. IF he was special needs I would understand. As I stated in previous board, she wakes him up in morning, insists on driving him to/from school even though its a burden on her work. I fought to keep him - as a 16 year old from coming into our master bathroom every night to brush his teeth "because toilet is too close to sink and fecal matter is in the air" - she has no concern for the 15 year old in this matter. Apparently the 15 year old and supposed fecal matter is not an issue. The 15 year old she could care less if I drive him to/from school. I believe she is enabling him to act and be treated like a 5 year old - heck if mom will wake you up in morning, cut crust off your bread, help you get dressed, and never scolds him unless he does tries to be a bit independent. Her 15 year old "jokingly" called her out on her treating him like this and of course she went off on him for stating the obvious. As far as a "hill to die on" - as my counselor told me - "when are you going to stand up and start demanding respect in your household?". I agree the football thing is petty but enough is enough in my book. As far as "taking time away from them" if you read my original post I get maybe and thats a BIG MAYBE hour or so every few weeks. I would suggest 95% of time is devoted to the 17 yer old 4.9% of time to the 15 year old and maybe .01% to me. I say this all with no exaggeration. For his bday she went out and got him a cake and put "Love mommy and E........" didn't include me. I am done being walked on.

[vla1120]

In that case, I believe wholeheartedly your problem is your wife. That's pretty nasty to get a cake and not include your name. She is showing her sons how unimportant you actually are to the family. Clearly, she has undermined any attempt you may have made toward connecting with those two boys.

 

Given that the 17-yr-old has no valid reason for being treated like an infant, your wife is not doing him any favors. She is ruining him. Plan to have him live with the two of you forever, because he has NO skills that would make him capable of living alone, going off to college, having a job, etc.

 

You only have one option for not being treated like a doormat. Until SHE stops treating you this way, there is no hope for her sons to stop treating you this way. The good news is that, while it would be a slippery slope to demand respect from her sons (because THEY didn't marry you), you are completely within your right to demand respect from HER!

 

It's ironic that SHE's pissed and "cannot take it anymore." Unfortunately, this is not an easy fix. The problem is between you and your wife. Until she agrees to see you as a PARTNER in this family, there is no hope for the future. I'd start putting my foot down and demanding some respect.

 

Can you bring her into your therapy sessions so that she can be told this in a neutral setting?

[vla1120]

Oh, just in case you get nowhere with this, I would start looking for that "new house" she keeps talking about in which you can display your football memorabilia - and let her know about it. I think she needs to be snapped back to reality. No man on earth is going to put up with that nonsense.

[RecentChange]

I haven't been following your other threads too closely, so I apologize if I don't have all of the details.

 

But how long have you been married? At what point does this become throwing good money after bad?

 

Your wife obviously doesn't respect you.

 

And I don't know how you would be able to respect someone who is raising a - I was going to say child but this is nearly an adult - in such a bizarre way.

 

Respect is a core foundation for a good marriage, along with love, empathy etc - and right now it seems like this marriage doesn't have much of a foundation at all.

 

Obviously things have to change - but do you really think this weird mommy / son dynamic has any chance of changing?

 

Is a kid this coddled going to go off to college? From what it sounds like - seems like you could expect to be sharing your home with him well into his 30's.

 

I am predicting a total failure to launch for the 17 year old - is this what you want for your future? To share your home and sanctuary with this dynamic for God knows how long?

[preraph]

I know it's one of those things where it's easy for everyone else to say "Oh, don't be petty, it's only a statue," but that's not true. This woman is letting her spoiled teen run the household and be a dictator about it -- and she's showing you no consideration or respect whatsoever. You do not belong in her family. No one does. Just her and her spoiled kid -- and he'll probably be there when she dies.

[Marc878]

You seem to be your biggest problem.

 

Why is that?

 

No one can keep you where you are except yourself.

[Chesty]

You are correct

[basil67]

I agree that the problem is your wife. These veiled threats of divorce are likely to get more pronounced if you find your backbone, so I think you need to consider breaking up as a very real outcome to stopping this nonsense. Personally, I think that staying and putting up with this would be a worse outcome than divorce.

 

A few questions for you:

*Do you ever have pleasant daydreams where you're without them or with a different partner?

*What is keeping you there?

*Do you love your wife? If you answer Yes, please consider that sometimes we tell ourselves that we love a partner without really questioning if it's still true.

*What are the logistics of housing should you separate?

[basil67]

I wonder if you ever give consequences for their behaviour. As step dad, you can't make the punishments, but you can enforce boundaries. For example, if the 15yo gives you sass, you're quite within your rights to say you've had quite enough of his attitude and he can find his own way to and from school from here on in.

[Chesty]

I haven't been following your other threads too closely, so I apologize if I don't have all of the details.

 

But how long have you been married? At what point does this become throwing good money after bad?

 

Your wife obviously doesn't respect you.

 

And I don't know how you would be able to respect someone who is raising a - I was going to say child but this is nearly an adult - in such a bizarre way.

 

Respect is a core foundation for a good marriage, along with love, empathy etc - and right now it seems like this marriage doesn't have much of a foundation at all.

 

Obviously things have to change - but do you really think this weird mommy / son dynamic has any chance of changing?

 

Is a kid this coddled going to go off to college? From what it sounds like - seems like you could expect to be sharing your home with him well into his 30's.

 

I am predicting a total failure to launch for the 17 year old - is this what you want for your future? To share your home and sanctuary with this dynamic for God knows how long?

 

 

We have been married 10 months...we dated off and on for 9 or so years but was never allowed to sleep over as she didn’t think it would be a good for kids. So I NEVER got to see these issues prior to marriage. They seemed to be a normal family from what I had seen. I would NEVER had married her had I known this at least not without going to counseling first.

 

As far as college she had claimed he wasn’t going to college but then told me last night he plans to go to college online so he’ll probably be here another 4 years - sadly I don’t think I will be unless things dramatically change. Mind you that when it’s just me and her it’s fantastic relationship- it’s when the 17 year old son is around that it sucks. I addressed this with counselor trying to figure out if I was somehow jealous of their relationship and I guess I probably am as I feel like the doormat and not much more.

 

I fear that he won’t be able to live on his own. I joined the Marines when I was his age and a war vet 2 years later so I don’t have much sympathy for someone who refuses to grow up nor for the person who is enabling them not to grow up. I lobe my wife and all our kids (2 mine and her 2 kids). My kids are very independent and far from coddled.

 

I guess I’m desperately looking for some way to save this marriage... I guess the million dollar question I am afraid to ask is why...

[RecentChange]

10 months?!?

 

And you two dated for 9 years but she was so controlling that she never let you stay over until after marriage?!

 

Holy moly.

 

I know I don't know the whole picture. I know I am simply a stranger on the internet - but cut your losses.

 

This dynamic between her and her son is so unhealthy. She helps him get dressed - do you honestly think he will be living on his own in 10 years? I highly doubt it. This kid for whatever reason has not matured normally. There is no way he would be able to cut it going away to college.

 

The longer you stay, the more difficult and expensive it will be to go.

 

You weren't given all of the needed information before marrying her. She hid this from you and now continues to control you.

 

I would get real with her. That DRAMATIC changes need to happen....

 

10 months? Take her advice and start shopping for that new house.

[vla1120]

Based on what you have said, I suspect he will be around for much longer than 4 years, unless he joins the military. THAT would straighten him out!

 

In the 9 years before you got married, did you spend more time together (the two of you?) I wonder if the dynamic has changed because now she has you, there's no reason for her to "court" you anymore.

 

If you think that, in 3-4 years, after her sons are out on their own, your relationship would be rewarding, then you have to decide whether it is worth it to stay all in right now. Even if you do, however, some changes need to take place. Maybe you can meet with your wife and the therapist together to lay down some ground rules - date nights, the 17-yr-old becoming more self-sufficient, etc. If she is unwilling to do this to save your marriage/relationship, then you have your answer.

[Mrin]

Two quick thoughts:

 

1. Y'all take football WAY too seriously.

 

2. You and your wife should be in couples counseling.

[preraph]

The fact she hid that whole situation from you until marriage would be enough to make me really mad. I wouldn't be financing anything to do with the son or helping him out or anything, but of course that won't go down well. you're going to be miserable in your own home. I think it's fair if you just tell her you feel she withheld information from you all those years about the dictatorship she's letting play out in her home and for that reason, you want out.

[Chesty]

Two quick thoughts:

 

1. Y'all take football WAY too seriously.

 

2. You and your wife should be in couples counseling.

 

Like I said it is somewhat of a petty thing but one has to start standing up for oneself at some point. Through counseling I've come to realize that I have done things to make others happy instead of myself. I've allowed others to walk all over me to keep the peace. My counselor told me I had to start standing up for myself even in such a little way.

 

TMI but I came from a somewhat good but very distant relationship with my parents... they always put my older brother first and extolled his virtues while being virtually silent about mine. I learned through counseling that I shouldn't accept this anymore. I have a very "tough" exterior -ie nothing seems to bother me to an outside observer and I've hidden behind a wall to keep the peace and not get hurt. I am now learning and putting into practice a new attitude to "fix" me. Not trying to sing a sob story - just being truthful. Again this football statue is in grand scheme of things petty but I'm done being disrespected in my own home and I'm done being a walking mat for others.

 

I am seriously considering taking another poster's advice and start looking for a new place to live and letting it be known. Either it will save me future heartache or wake her up. Neither will be easy.

[preraph]

It won't make her change. Clearly, her son comes first, waaaaaay ahead of herself or you or anyone else. It's not going to fix it. So if you move out, do it with the intent to divorce.

 

Best case scenario: Let's say in a fantasy world, she DID repent and say, OK, you don't have to take crap from my son anymore and you can help raise him and discipline him -- that isn't going to make a LICK of difference to her son. He's too old. It's too late to fix HIM. And by the way, don't let her make this about you hate her son. Tell her you're not mad at the son, you're mad at HER for training her son to be this way.

[basil67]

Preraph is spot on. The son is a victim in this. He's just doing what he's been taught.

[Chesty]

Preraph is spot on. The son is a victim in this. He's just doing what he's been taught.

 

I recognize this... it took my therapist to make me realize that I am not upset with the son but with the way his mother has brought him up and enabled him... I think Im going to need to do some deep thinking as some of the posters have stated and really think if I want to be in this anymore. I DO love my wife and I adhere to the "better or worse" clause of marriage hence why I am fighting to save the marriage. At the same time a man can only take so much of being a doormat before he realizes its not worth it.

[basil67]

A marriage can only be saved if both people are working to the same outcome. At this point, marriage counselling is about the only option left to open up communication lines. If she refuses, then consider the marriage dead.

[RecentChange]

I DO love my wife and I adhere to the "better or worse" clause of marriage hence why I am fighting to save the marriage. At the same time a man can only take so much of being a doormat before he realizes its not worth it.

 

I think marriage, and sticking to vows are important.

 

But I also believe, traditionally those vows hold a little more meaning when it's two people joining together with fresh slates.

 

When you already have a failed "to death do us part" under your belt. When matters are complicated by children from previous marriages - ex's and biological parents, muddied water about roles and parenting....

 

Well then - I just don't see it quite the same.

 

And discovering that your wife has an extremely peculiar parenting style, one that would cause you to call CPS if you weren't married, and because you aren't "dad" but rather "husband" and therefore do not have a say.....

 

Well, again, I think it's a bit different than if you wife were to fall ill for example.

 

"Through sickness and health, through difficult blended families and blurred roles and responsibilities" has a bit of a different ring to it.

[S2B]

I recognize this... it took my therapist to make me realize that I am not upset with the son but with the way his mother has brought him up and enabled him... I think Im going to need to do some deep thinking as some of the posters have stated and really think if I want to be in this anymore. I DO love my wife and I adhere to the "better or worse" clause of marriage hence why I am fighting to save the marriage. At the same time a man can only take so much of being a doormat before he realizes its not worth it.

 

It’s not only being the doormat... it’s constant disrespect for being her partner.

 

She just doesn’t respect you and she doesn’t prioritize you either.

 

If I were you I would move. And I would move now. She’s pushing and pushing you away. She’s willing to use you.

 

Move and be happy. If you feel like taking her out a few times a week great. Maybe you don’t need to divorce - maybe you need to just NOT live in her toxic lifestyle.

 

It will send a solid message that you’re not staying while it looks like that - she won’t change so there’s nobody forcing you to stay. In fact, her inviting you to move is a threat - so make sure she u deratand you’re not taking the crap she dishes out anymore.

 

No need to argue with her about it - state it as a neutral fact - I’m moving... so don’t depend on my help anymore... nice calm voice.

 

Don’t mingle your money with hers anymore and don’t give rides to school. She’s squeezed you out - time to start living an independent life from that household now.

 

Just let her know she’s got it all to handle in the future. Don’t even take the son to school one more day.

 

She can learn - crappy actions have consequences - and she been treating you poorly - so you moving is the consequence of her treating you low on her priority... and when she threatened that was the beginning of the end.

 

It also shows that you are willing to prioritize YOURSELF by not doing anything to take action when anyone mistreats you.

 

I’d get moved ASAP - even if it’s a hotel immediately until you get a permanent place.

 

She’s doing her kids a huge disservice. They should be gradually learning how to be completely independent. She seems to have some very unhealthy parenting habits. Don’t co-sign her behaviors.

Edited November 20, 2019 by S2B

[healing light]

Divorce her.

[Chesty]

Divorce her.

 

Im at the point I think im going to