Boundary issue

[Crazelnut]

ITA agree that she has ZERO respect for you. I really think you should separate, with an eye to divorce. Dude, she treats you like less than an afterthought in your own home! If you really feel like giving it the ol' college try, suggest couples counseling. If she doesn't agree, hit the road and don't look back.

[preraph]

If you really feel like giving it the ol' college try, suggest couples counseling.

 

I would expand on that because I think the only counseling that has any chance is family counseling involving the whole family and especially the teen. But It's just going to be one more thing she won't make him do. I think that is predictable. Thing is, if he was seven, I'd say demand you both take a parenting class together. But he is a teen. I don't think there's anything to be done at this point except when it comes time to kick him out on his own, which she's never going to do because she's not raising him to be an adult.

[Chesty]

I would expand on that because I think the only counseling that has any chance is family counseling involving the whole family and especially the teen. But It's just going to be one more thing she won't make him do. I think that is predictable. Thing is, if he was seven, I'd say demand you both take a parenting class together. But he is a teen. I don't think there's anything to be done at this point except when it comes time to kick him out on his own, which she's never going to do because she's not raising him to be an adult.

 

She has agreed to go to counseling in 2 weeks so I guess that is a positive

[S2B]

Do you still plan to file for D?

 

She might be more motivated to change (and do what the counselor suggests) if she feels you will end it if she doesn’t.

 

Some folks need to be scared to consider changing.

[basil67]

That's true S2B. Nothing like walking out the door to get your partner to finally listen. But I do think if it comes to walking out the door, the whole relationship is probably too damaged.

[Lotsgoingon]

There is absolutely no way your wife get better in couple's counseling.

 

She has no business being in couples counselling because she has no business being married. She's incapable of being a good partner. She's just not emotionally healthy enough to be married. Your choice to marry her shows you aren't there yet either.

 

You are going into the counseling under false pretenses. You're going to walk into the office pretending that your wife is normal and that oh ... you and her and the counselor just need to talk a little bit.

 

A more honest move would be to say to her NOW, "I cannot reason with you. I think you are damaging your son. You don't give me any intimacy. I'm completely miserable in this relationship." But you're afraid to say that now ... and ... you'll be afraid to say that in front of her to the counselor.

 

The football issue is NOT petty, any more than a burglar sneaking into your home and stealing two quarters is petty.

 

And actually the issue isn't the son. That's a symptom. The issue that she is a distant, unavailable partner and a partner whose mothering you think is profoundly damaging--for good reason. The issue is that you are miserable being with her. You cannot talk to her. Your think her entire way of thinking is borderline insane--to the point of wanting to report her to child services.

 

Get out now. Ten months. You made a mistake. Turn and run and celebrate freedom and sanity--and keep working on yourself! You will NEVER have freedom and sanity with this woman and her family. Never.

[S2B]

I think it’s true counseling likely won’t help unless she is begging to give 200% of her focus, energy and love to the marriage.

 

If you’re not seeing that much effort from her - she’s just appeasing you and doesn’t intend to change.

[Chesty]

I think it’s true counseling likely won’t help unless she is begging to give 200% of her focus, energy and love to the marriage.

 

If you’re not seeing that much effort from her - she’s just appeasing you and doesn’t intend to change.

 

I think after today - totally blew me off no texts no calls nothing I’m just done with this all... I deserve better

[RecentChange]

I think after today - totally blew me off no texts no calls nothing I’m just done with this all... I deserve better

 

So disrespectful. Not to mention non productive and childish.

 

I wouldn't tolerate it. No matter how pissed we are, how big the issue, my husband and I at least communicate - it's a base line of respect.

[Chesty]

So disrespectful. Not to mention non productive and childish.

 

I wouldn't tolerate it. No matter how pissed we are, how big the issue, my husband and I at least communicate - it's a base line of respect.

 

I agree - I saw a text from her 15 yo son saying “he’s dead, I will get my spiked cleats and bash his head in”. She “lol” and supported it. I’m filing for divorce done with this crap.

[vla1120]

I agree - I saw a text from her 15 yo son saying “he’s dead, I will get my spiked cleats and bash his head in”. She “lol” and supported it. I’m filing for divorce done with this crap.

 

Wow. While I am sorry you are going through this, you're doing the right thing by filing for divorce and moving on. The sooner you can get away from them, the better for your sanity.

 

Keep going to your therapist. Like you, I have also been working on not letting people (namely, my estranged husband and sometimes my grown daughters) walk on me and take advantage of me. Like you, I also grew up in a household where my older brother and younger sister were favored. There were also instances of abuse that resulted in my "peacekeeper" personality and mentality.

 

There is hope, though. It has taken me about 4 years of consistent therapy, but I've slowly been undoing the damage and I have a boatload of self-preservation compared to how I was some years ago.

[RecentChange]

I agree - I saw a text from her 15 yo son saying “he’s dead, I will get my spiked cleats and bash his head in”. She “lol” and supported it. I’m filing for divorce done with this crap.

 

Wow!

 

I am sorry you are having to go through this - but yikes!

 

She and her poorly adjusted sons can ride off into the sunset - maybe she will find another sucker to try to use.

 

Glad you are standing up for yourself and extracting yourself from the situation, it's not healthy, it's not good for you, the blinders are off.

 

What a gross comment - and to "laugh" at it. It's quite incredible what she is teaching these boys. What a disservice.

[preraph]

She's never going to change her ways about her son at this late date. And if she did, it would probably just be chaos listening to him gripe through all that.

[Chesty]

I think it’s true counseling likely won’t help unless she is begging to give 200% of her focus, energy and love to the marriage.

 

If you’re not seeing that much effort from her - she’s just appeasing you and doesn’t intend to change.

 

So I’m away at work for turkey day... wife blown me off past 3 days... I’m done so I blocked her number... feel like I’m being childish but at same time she wo t return calls or texts... opinion?

[preraph]

Well, you did try to communicate first. Sorry you're going through this. Hope you are able to decide what to do next.

[mark clemson]

Unblock her number so she is able to communicate with you if needed. IF you are going to divorce you will need to be able to coordinate certain things. You can blow off her unwanted/unnecessary texts just as effectively by ignoring them if you wish.

 

Sorry to hear you are going through this.

[healing light]

Have you initiated a divorce yet? Consulted with a lawyer? Filed papers? Start there. If she's not responding to your texts, she's not going to realize you even blocked her. Your interest should not be in a tit for tat as much as exploring your legal action steps to get away from her.

[Lotsgoingon]

Take the son's words seriously and get out. This woman is dangerous. If the son ever attacked you, she would lie for him under oath.

 

Get out. You are in danger.

[Chesty]

I told her we are done... her ex husband threatened to take her kids away from her if she didn’t move... she is moving out this week... we had a heart to heart and she said she didn’t see the issues I saw. Then said she realizes the sons were attempting to sabotage us as some of the neediness only showed up after we moved in together. She wants to do counseling and stay married but live down street until the kids are gone (2 years). Not sure that is a viable plan but do know we did have a long distance relationship before and it worked well. She also said she didn’t realize how much she was neglecting our relationship. Said she doesn’t need to be with anyone but wants to remain married and work on us (she has only dated me and one other guy over past 15 years). She has her own money and business so she’s not looking for my support - just said she didn’t realize all the issues. Either way counseling on Tuesday and I’ll go from there. She admits that due to kids neediness she forgot to be a wife. Didn’t beg to stay together (either one of us) but truthfully said without the kids we are an amazing pair and we should have waited til kids were gone. Guess I’ll see what happens. She also stated that even if we divorce she wants absolutely nothing from me. Think she had a “ come to Jesus” moment.

[preraph]

Good, but how sure can you really be the kids will ever "be gone"? You know, they don't leave these days! They stay. So I would get a very clear understanding of exactly how she knows they'll be gone. Because they might come back even if they do go to school, and you will have wasted all that time instead of finding someone who would take your issues seriously the first time and had better sense than to raise her kids like that.

[Chesty]

Good, but how sure can you really be the kids will ever "be gone"? You know, they don't leave these days! They stay. So I would get a very clear understanding of exactly how she knows they'll be gone. Because they might come back even if they do go to school, and you will have wasted all that time instead of finding someone who would take your issues seriously the first time and had better sense than to raise her kids like that.

 

 

So went to counseling today and she did a total flip flop and made it abundantly clear she has no intention to fix issues. Selling house and filing for divorce. FML

[preraph]

Ugh. Sorry. Well, Chesty, sad as that is, making that effort will keep you from having doubt that you gave up or didn't try hard enough.

 

Jeez, what kind of adolescent brain wouldn't try to pick up her own socks to save a marriage? Honestly. Did the housekeeping thing come up at the session or didn't you get that far. I'm DYING to hear what her angle is on why it's unreasonable to expect her to do her fair share.

 

You hang in there. It might have been a knee-jerk reaction from someone narcissistic who can't ever tolerate any criticism and flies into a rage. I have a relative like that. Can't ever admit fault.

 

Listen, as you can see, the website is going to be down for awhile. I hate it's happening right in the middle of your crisis.

Edited December 3, 2019 by preraph

[Chesty]

Ugh. Sorry. Well, Chesty, sad as that is, making that effort will keep you from having doubt that you gave up or didn't try hard enough.

 

Jeez, what kind of adolescent brain wouldn't try to pick up her own socks to save a marriage? Honestly. Did the housekeeping thing come up at the session or didn't you get that far. I'm DYING to hear what her angle is on why it's unreasonable to expect her to do her fair share.

 

You hang in there. It might have been a knee-jerk reaction from someone narcissistic who can't ever tolerate any criticism and flies into a rage. I have a relative like that. Can't ever admit fault.

 

Listen, as you can see, the website is going to be down for awhile. I hate it's happening right in the middle of your crisis.

 

 

Her angle is it’s all my fault... that I am “selfish” because I wanted to spend time with her and that would take away time with her kid. Essentially she wants to work and spend any and all free time with her kids - especially the 17 yo. I came to realize I am just the Uber driver and housekeeper. She doesn’t want to make time for a husband as she’s essentially married to her 17 yo... she was pissed when I told her she acted like they were married in counseling... the counselor didn’t say anything just listened. Wife vented for most of session about how bad I apparently am and that I demand too much of her time (only asked for 2 hours a week for adult time) apparently that makes me needy and selfish- two hours is too long to be away from her kids for her. Such is life.

[Chesty]

So she moved out and is barely responding to me about things we need to talk about... with that said - I’m in absolutely no rush or place to start dating again but I was asked out by a girl the other night at local bar.  Should I go out on date with her (she knows my situation) and should I inform my soon to be ex wife of said date if I go out with the lady?

[FMW]

To keep the peace, I wouldn't "date" until the divorce is well under way, and maybe not even until it's final.  You don't want to give your wife any reason to cause problems.  She's told you she doesn't want to divorce - she wants to keep you out of the way but available for her whims.  So she won't react well to you being with other women.  Plus, you're in no head space to be with someone else, even if they "know" your situation.  You're back and forth and up and down too much in your thoughts and feelings right now.   

 

Just use the interest shown by the other woman to help you be confident that you have other options and to keep you focused on getting through the divorce ASAP.