Boundary issue

[Crazelnut]

Heck no, you shouldn't be dating!  You're not divorced.  Jeez, use your brain, man.  Think through the implications of you dating.  Does ANY possible outcome lead to a smooth divorce and favorable custody??  NO.

[S2B]

No, do not date now. Wait until your D is finalized. 

 

Go to counseling to be healthier once the D is finished.

 

learn about yourself and boundaries and communication so you don’t have any of the same things happen once you do start dating.

[Chesty]

On 12/10/2019 at 9:24 AM, Finding my way said:

To keep the peace, I wouldn't "date" until the divorce is well under way, and maybe not even until it's final.  You don't want to give your wife any reason to cause problems.  She's told you she doesn't want to divorce - she wants to keep you out of the way but available for her whims.  So she won't react well to you being with other women.  Plus, you're in no head space to be with someone else, even if they "know" your situation.  You're back and forth and up and down too much in your thoughts and feelings right now.   

 

Just use the interest shown by the other woman to help you be confident that you have other options and to keep you focused on getting through the divorce ASAP.  

Thanks - guess I’m just being dumb with all this crap going on 

On 12/10/2019 at 9:55 AM, Crazelnut said:

Heck no, you shouldn't be dating!  You're not divorced.  Jeez, use your brain, man.  Think through the implications of you dating.  Does ANY possible outcome lead to a smooth divorce and favorable custody??  NO.

You are correct... no custody issues though as we don’t have kids together- just being dumb on my behalf.. thanks for advice

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Somebody you are dating on and off consistently for a long period of time is not marriage material, plain and simple... Like what would give you the impression that the person is? People are creatures of habit and convenience, they will constantly defer to what they have done in the past... Your sons, they are just doing what they have always done. Your wife, she is doing what she has always done. Why is this even a surprise to you OP?

[preraph]

You could check your state laws. Most states do not count as cheating when they are assessing division of property in a divorce. Especially since there are no kids. 

 

But here's my best advice. Waiting until all my messy divorce stuff is over, because while you might find the thought of a new woman comforting, the reality is that it will only cause more complications and more confused feelings. If you latch on to a new woman before you have really dealt with legally and emotionally fallout from this divorce, at some point you will just feel like you have jumped from the frying pan into the fire. It won't be fair to the woman either. once your divorce you will be wanting to get out of that relationship and be free, and that's not fair to someone who stuck with you through a difficult and uncertain time that would make her very insecure and anxious. 

 

And you won't be emotionally ready. It will just scramble your brain. 

 

So do first things first and do things one at a time so you don't get overwhelmed and in over your head. 

[fishlips]

Agreed, your crazy wife will use it against you if you date someone before you are divorced.

 

OP, I have a 15 yo and a 17 yo. My 17 year old is autistic, and while I coddle him, it's nothing near as bad as what you've written about your wife and her son. She has an unhealthy relationship with the boy, and is doing him no favors. Her 15 yo sounds like a spoiled brat as well.

 

I think you are doing the smart thing by getting out, since your wife doesn't seem to want to work this out.

[Chesty]

18 hours ago, fishlips said:

Agreed, your crazy wife will use it against you if you date someone before you are divorced.

 

OP, I have a 15 yo and a 17 yo. My 17 year old is autistic, and while I coddle him, it's nothing near as bad as what you've written about your wife and her son. She has an unhealthy relationship with the boy, and is doing him no favors. Her 15 yo sounds like a spoiled brat as well.

 

I think you are doing the smart thing by getting out, since your wife doesn't seem to want to work this out.

 

[Chesty]

Filed  for divorce now 60:day waiting period to finish this nightmare.  Saw my counselor yesterday and expanded on some of stuff soon to be ex wife and her son do ie he likes to pat her on the butt while playing basketball and they both smile when he does, how he puts his feet up on her chair with his foot in her groin and she lets him do it... she said she is in the process of contacting CPS... maybe justice will be served.

Edited December 19, 2019 by Chesty

[vla1120]

Good news, Chesty. Her behavior goes way beyond closeness or coddling. It's downright inappropriate.

[fishlips]

Yes, it's time to get CPS involved. I don't necessarily think nudity is a big deal, since it's not always sexual and it depends on one's culture, how they were raised, etc. Inappropriate touching is different, though. It sounds like that boy needs to get away from his mother.