What Option Should I Take To Try And Solve My Dating Woes?

[GuitarGuy7]

You all know me well enough to know my situation. In a nutshell, i'm a 24 year old kissless dateless virgin turning 25 in a month. Despite trying for the past four years and utilizing many different ways to meet women, I have been largely unsuccessful. I tried online dating but got very little matches, I tried joining college clubs and meeting girls but the majority were unreceptive, I even tried talking to girls in my class but that didn't work out too well either.

 

 

At this point, I am desperate for things to change. I'll do anything, just to have a normal dating and sex life... I want to go on dates, I want to have sex, I want to be able to date attractive woman and for them to actually want to date me too. I'll do anything for that life, ANYTHING...

 

 

I have considered several options to try and change my dating woes. And for the record, being happy with being single isn't one of them. I am not an aromantic asexual and I never will be.

 

 

1. Going to see a prostitute...

 

I have considered going this route several times in the past couple of years. Even though paying for sex won't solve my problems in terms of being able to attract women nor solve my problems of feeling unwanted, perhaps a sex worker would help me understand what it's like to be physically intimate with another woman in a non-judgemental setting. By going to a sex worker, they would ideally be understanding of my inexperience and be willing to teach me on how to please a woman. This might help me in the future when I become intimate with a non-working girl and now I will at least have a better understanding of knowing what to do, therefore increasing my confidence.

 

However, there are several barriers that make seeing a prostitute hard for me to do. For one thing, I live in the United States and prostitution is illegal in every state except for Nevada. I would either have to do it illegally and risk getting arrested or dealing with a woman being sex trafficked, or I would have to travel to a brothel in Nevada where it's often very expensive. I also live 20 hours away from Nevada so I would most likely have to ride a plane, in addition to getting a rental car, hotel, and the cost of having sex. All of this is a tall task for a guy like me who's never been on a trip by himself before and has a lot of anxiety about the whole thing.

 

 

 

2. Trying to meet a girl in The Phillipines or Thailand

 

I am not sure if this would be a viable option but at one point, I considered this to be an option. The reason for choosing this place to meet women is simple. Women in south-east asia are usually short with a slender build. The average height for a filipino woman is around 5 ft tall. This is perfect for a guy like me who is only 5 ft 3 inches tall which is very short for a white american male. The majority of women in the United States would see my height as an automatic deal-breaker, but perhaps in a country where women are shorter, they would be more likely to give me a chance. Another reason why The Phillipines is an option is because iv'e heard that many filipino girls like white guys and that being white in the phillipines is seen as desirable. I'm not sure how valid these claims are, but that's what iv'e heard.

 

There are obviously some drawbacks to going to the phillipines though. For one thing, it's very expensive to travel there. Secondly, I would probably have to be there for at least a couple months to get any results and I am not sure if I am willing to start over in my life quite yet. Online dating is also an option but then again, there is a high chance I might come into contact with a catfish.

 

 

3. Getting leg lengthening surgery

 

If you have read some of my previous threads, you will know that a big reason for my lack of dating success comes down to my overall height and physique. At 5 ft 3 in addition to having a slender build, not only am I short, but I am also shorter than the average woman, and this is very problematic for my dating life. I believe that because of my height, I am automatically written off by the majority of women. Leg lengthening surgery would allow to grow up to 2.5 inches in height, so instead of being 5 ft 3, I would be around 5 ft 5 or 5 ft 6 if I also wear shoes to make me appear taller. This would ideally mean that more women are willing to give me a chance and not automatically write me off.

 

There are obviously several drawbacks to getting leg-lengthening surgery though. It's very expensive, which means my parents or grandmother would pay for it, and I doubt my dad would want to considering he's frugal with his money. It's also incredibly painful and take several months to recover and there is a small chance you might suffer some pretty major complication. Finally, you will only regain about 80% of your strength back if you're lucky.

 

 

4. Hiring some sort of dating coach.

 

Perhaps a dating coach could help me with my dating woes in some way. Whether that's giving me dating advice, helping with my online dating profile, going out and approaching with me, etc...

 

I have taken a dating class in the past and I am currently taking one now, but this semester has been a complete dud. Last semester was decent since the majority of content being gone over was related to social skills, but it was nothing too new or serious.

 

 

 

---

 

 

If you have any other suggestions on how I could solve my dating woes, it would be much appreciated. And please don't give me the advice that dating isn't a big deal and that I should focus on other things. Like I said, i'm not some aromantic asexual and I definitely do not want to start dating until i'm in my 30s or 40s. I want to be able to have some sort of dating/sex life while i'm still in my physical prime.

 

 

And yes I have already tried the usual such as online dating and going to meetups to try and meet girls. This year and last year, I have been in at least 3-4 clubs related to my interests to try and meet girls with no results.

[central]

Can you afford a dating coach and a matchmaking service (not just OLD)? If so, give those a chance. It can't hurt to get into individual counselling to find out if the problem is basically you, or something about your attitude or approach to dating and women.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

#3 is the absolute worst idea out of all of them because no matter how long your limbs are it's not going to change your personality and social skills. The couple inches you gain will make ZERO difference because this is mostly about your social skills.

 

My advice is, as I said before, is to first take a small trip on your own to work on your self-confidence. You NEED to be able to do an adult task alone in order to make any woman want to be with you. If you can't even take a small trip alone (even driving 100 miles away and just staying in a Holiday Inn overnight and eating in a bar alone), you are never going to be able to attract a woman to you. Women do not want a child they have to take care of. They want a man.

 

I say do that first, and then try option #2 once you've built up enough self confidence to meet someone overseas and travel there (this could take years).

[ajequals]

I'm not exactly tall but here's my best advice that works for me..

 

Don't be shy

 

look her in the eyes

 

be a gentleman

 

don't talk too much ,there is all the time in the world for that

 

show your interest but don't be creepy, let her feel comfortable

 

if she's interested you will know

 

 

oh and good hygiene,clean clothes ,teeth brushed etc.. although some like a dirty boy. lol

[Cersei]

Not really answering any questions for you but need to tell you this regarding your height:

 

I too am 5 foot 3. I am female. One of my exes, well he too was our height. Let's just say that no man will ever compare to him in the bedroom! I will never forget him. Don't be thinking of surgery. Other short women won't mind your height.

 

You need to be less negative and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Nobody wants a negative Nelly. Positivity and confidence will get you the girls. Just from reading your posts I too would stay clear of you. Have you not heard the saying about "suround yourself with positivity"?

[clia]

Of your options, 4 is the best.

 

Do you have friends? If so, do they have girlfriends?

[Mysterio]

GG7. I think for your soul and mental Health. You need to take a break from dating and trying to get a GF.

 

I just sense a lot of sadness on your posts. I have it to. Sometimes we just have to let life fall into our laps sometimes. I think you need at least 6 months away from dating.

 

Not everyone has it ideal. My Parents have been together for 50 yrs and I don't even think they are compatable.

 

Once again. I think you need time off from being the driving force for finding love/sex.

[normal person]

1. Going to see a prostitute...

 

By going to a sex worker, they would ideally be understanding of my inexperience and be willing to teach me on how to please a woman. This might help me in the future when I become intimate with a non-working girl and now I will at least have a better understanding of knowing what to do, therefore increasing my confidence.

 

Learning how to please a woman is far from the first of your problems. You're going to need to clear a lot of hurdles before you're in a position where you need to do this. If women ignore your texts and walk away from you in mid sentence like you described, you should be concerned with basic interactions and earning enough of their respect that they don't do these sorts of things to you. Until then, sleeping with them is a pipe dream.

 

I would either have to do it illegally and risk getting arrested or dealing with a woman being sex trafficked,

 

Not to mention diseases, the risk of getting robbed, etc

 

 

or I would have to travel to a brothel in Nevada where it's often very expensive. I also live 20 hours away from Nevada so I would most likely have to ride a plane, in addition to getting a rental car, hotel, and the cost of having sex. All of this is a tall task for a guy like me who's never been on a trip by himself before and has a lot of anxiety about the whole thing.

 

No offense, but if at age 25 you can't take a trip by yourself, sleeping with someone should be the least of your worries. First you'll need some mastery of basic life skills. It seems to me the root cause of your woes may be that you're 25, still in college with a bunch of 18-21 year olds, yet still seemingly incapable of performing tasks they could perform with relative ease. If you want people to respect you (this is a pre-requisite to sleeping with you, but your problems are bigger than that), they can't see you as weak and incapable, especially of something relatively simple. I understand you have anxiety, but that's your problem to deal with, not everyone else's to overlook.

 

 

2. Trying to meet a girl in The Phillipines or Thailand

 

I am not sure if this would be a viable option but at one point, I considered this to be an option. The reason for choosing this place to meet women is simple. Women in south-east asia are usually short with a slender build. The average height for a filipino woman is around 5 ft tall. This is perfect for a guy like me who is only 5 ft 3 inches tall which is very short for a white american male. The majority of women in the United States would see my height as an automatic deal-breaker, but perhaps in a country where women are shorter, they would be more likely to give me a chance. Another reason why The Phillipines is an option is because iv'e heard that many filipino girls like white guys and that being white in the phillipines is seen as desirable. I'm not sure how valid these claims are, but that's what iv'e heard.

 

Being shorter doesn't automatically mean these women have lower standards, the odds are they'll still desire the tallest men, and if you look at statistics of the heights of Thai and Filipino men, they are on are par with you. I wouldn't hold your breath assuming you'll be a "desirable westerner," you'll likely just be a westerner. Unless you have money, then it might be a different story.

 

 

There are obviously some drawbacks to going to the phillipines though. For one thing, it's very expensive to travel there. Secondly, I would probably have to be there for at least a couple months to get any results and I am not sure if I am willing to start over in my life quite yet. Online dating is also an option but then again, there is a high chance I might come into contact with a catfish.

 

Think about this: you can't figure out how to travel to Nevada without getting anxiety. How on Earth are you going to travel to the other side of the planet and navigate around a foreign, developing country and culture with a language barrier, with no experience, knowing no one, with only yourself and your own instincts to rely on? You'll be hopelessly out of your element and a prime target to be taken advantage of. I can't stress how bad of an idea this is for you.

 

 

3. Getting leg lengthening surgery

 

Leg lengthening surgery would allow to grow up to 2.5 inches in height, so instead of being 5 ft 3, I would be around 5 ft 5 or 5 ft 6 if I also wear shoes to make me appear taller. This would ideally mean that more women are willing to give me a chance and not automatically write me off.

 

The problem with this is that even at 5'6", you'd still be much too short for most women to consider dating you. "a study about height and human mate choice found that, on average, the shortest man a woman would date is 5 feet 9 inches tall."

 

So save yourself the pain and the money, it won't help enough to offset the cost, time, and trauma, and I bet you'd look oddly disproportioned -- you'll have long legs (relative to the rest of you), and short arms. And then you'll still have the social barriers to overcome, and there's no surgery for that, unfortunately.

 

4. Hiring some sort of dating coach.

 

Perhaps a dating coach could help me with my dating woes in some way. Whether that's giving me dating advice, helping with my online dating profile, going out and approaching with me, etc...

 

I have taken a dating class in the past and I am currently taking one now, but this semester has been a complete dud. Last semester was decent since the majority of content being gone over was related to social skills, but it was nothing too new or serious.

 

This is fine to explore, just be wary of scam artists. I'm going to be honest, anyone who promises you anything or gives you a hard sell could be taking advantage of you to some extent. If there was a magic bullet for men in your position, they wouldn't be selling it for so cheap, they would be marketing it and selling it on an industrial scale, and this forum wouldn't exist because men would be happy and satisfied. The reason they aren't is because the "success" of these dating coaches is limited to selling stock advice ("just be confident") to mostly naive guys who think that if they just get a nice shirt and use some deceptive mind tricks, that women will suddenly desire them. That doesn't happen. You're still going to have most of the same obstacles you had earlier, and a dating coach won't be so keen to remind you of that, because he wants your money, even if he knows his advice will likely be useless for you. BUT...

 

I think you'd first be better served by someone or some program that specializes in autism and helping people on the spectrum navigate the social world of the neurotypical. You'll need to master that before you have any real chance of dating -- if women sense that you're unusual or weird in any undesirable way, they'll go out of their way to disassociate with you, which they seem to be doing. You can't date them if you can't even get them to respect you. You need to learn to walk before you run. Once you can interact with the women you like, then you should focus your energy on learning how to date them.

 

 

If you have any other suggestions on how I could solve my dating woes, it would be much appreciated. And please don't give me the advice that dating isn't a big deal and that I should focus on other things. Like I said, i'm not some aromantic asexual and I definitely do not want to start dating until i'm in my 30s or 40s.

 

Work hard, do difficult things, earn respect, and make a lot of money. Don't take offense, but in your situation, money might end up being your best option if women don't seem to want much else to do with you right now. But most women like money and can deal with most men who can make it. But even then, you should be wary of them taking advantage of you. Earning respect and money is, I think, your best avenue to success with women because it seems you can't figure it out any other way.

 

I want to be able to have some sort of dating/sex life while i'm still in my physical prime.

 

You've been in your prime for years and you haven't figured it out. I'm not saying it can't happen, because there are autistic men who do find romance, but you should think about finding a way to come to terms with the possibility that this might not happen, because that is also a very common occurrence in autistic men. To no fault of your own, you just might not have the tools or abilities or circumstances to get the things you desire right now. Most people will have to accept their limitations at some point in some aspect of their lives. You could talk to a therapist about your situation, and this possibility, and hopefully they won't fill your head with fairy tales and take your money.

 

So, get into a program or class that teaches autistic people about social interactions. Here's what came up with a quick Google search:

 

https://www.autismspeaks.org/social-skills-and-autism

 

https://experiencecle.com/

 

https://www.vistalifeinnovations.org/about

 

Services ? Spectrum Services

 

Once you've got a grasp on social interactions, then you can try and figure out dating. But you won't have any luck with the latter without first mastering the former. In the meantime, stay in school and stay career focused.

[vla1120]

Whoa. Take the surgery off the table! Why risk your health for something that isn't going to fix your problem?

 

The dating coach, or even a matchmaker, is your best option. Actually, considering that dating is not your only issue, a life coach would be a good solution for you. This person could help you become more self-sufficient and outgoing and teach you how to meet and interact with people for a more favorable outcome.

 

The height is NOT an issue. I told you, two of my daughters are very short, like 5'0" and 5'1" (she says 5'2", but she's exaggerating.) There are plenty of short women out there who would NOT have a problem with dating you, GG.

[d0nnivain]

You need a specialized coach that deals with people with Asperger's. Try reaching out to the Asperger's center in NYC or at least reviewing their website Asperger Center for Eduation and Training - presenting information about Asperger Syndrome and related conditions and appropriate treatments They should be able to refer you to local resources.

 

Merely getting taller won't solve your problem.

 

Happy Birthday

[alphamale]

1 and then 4....options 2 and 3 are out of the question

[preraph]

This entire subject, including the options, was already covered back in October. I guess all those answers weren't good enough.

[Envy123]

1. The risk is far too great, especially since you have to venture out so far.

 

2. Same as 1.

 

3. Since some "conventionally attractive" women go after an obese guy with bad skin and a beer belly (me) and even like the fact that I wore a skimpy speedo on two occasions, I'm sure being short is not really the dealbreaker you're making it out to be.

 

4. There's a risk that a dating coach could be the "red pill" type and you'd end up attracting the women with low self-esteem who are receptive to PUA tactics. You'd not have a meaningful relationship.

 

As Ramit Sethi always says (his advice is beyond just becoming rich), tactics won't get you anywhere except "tactical hell".

 

Think of it as developing a product and selling it. You need a solid strategy in terms of how to make the product suit the needs of your target customer - in this case, you need to improve your social skills and your attitude.

 

You should also market yourself well - the most successful marketing efforts are genuine rather than the whole "buy please" shtick. So don't approach girls specifically for a relationship, as they can smell it a mile away. From my experience, girls are more likely to want romance with me if I build a relationship naturally over time rather than forcing it from the beginning.

 

I know I sound like a broken record here, but these threads are also a broken record. Water is wet and all that jazz.

[Foxhall]

Its a confidence thing really (stating the obvious!)

 

I had these difficulties too,not quite as pronounced as yours perhaps,

 

I think the issue was that I perceived women as being super confident etc and that I was the opposite of that, that I was not good enough and so on,

 

I think the types you could click with are

 

Intellectual type of girls with moderately extroverted personalities. I think you will be more suited to a girl who likes to read and watch movies than a girl who goes drinking and clubbing,

yet you need a friendly open personality to spark off and help you deal with your shyness,

 

work on having opinions on current affairs, perhaps explore some hobbies that women will find interesting,

get comfortable talking about yourself in a positive sense, promoting what you like, what you are interested in and so on,

 

it will change for you, you need a girl to give you a bit of an olive branch, a bit of help and hope,

 

but it will happen,there are loads out there

 

I did not like any of your four options really, number two perhaps in another 10-15 years but not now,

number 4 maybe but I think the coaches might push you too much trying to be something you are not,

 

try holding a conversation with a girl for a few minutes and exchanging a smile before you leave.

[RecentChange]

Option 4 is the only reasonable solution in my mind.

 

A failure to connect with the opposite sex usually boils down to a lack of social skills.

 

I think you should listen to this recently aired This American Life. The author is around your size (5' 2") and gives an interesting point of view during one of the segments.

 

https://www.thisamericanlife.org/687/small-things-considered

 

 

From the segment:

 

Scott Brown

And also, why are we treating shortness like it's a disease? Because when you look into it, as researchers have, there's no evidence tying being short to having a bad life. Studies show short kids get teased, bullied. They're often treated as younger than they are. But there's no direct connection between being small and failing at life. I, for instance, did not end up depressed and alone, living in a tiny cardboard box behind Bob's Big Boy, at least, not because of my height.

[Garcon1986]

If you refuse to listen to all advice what good is it for us to give more advice?

 

You have anxiety even making it to Nevada. Women will refuse to sleep with you because you have so many things to solve before getting to the point of mutual sexual attraction.

 

Women by default reject men who make them feel uncomfortable in any way.

 

Don't do that surgery, it is way too expensive, the recovery time is ridiculously long, and you will be miserable in a hospital bed for ages. There are plenty of short men who have dates.

 

If you don't maximize your potential with your Aspergers and improve your social skills, you will never date a woman ever in your life. Use the extreme focus and other benefits of having Aspergers to your advantage. Set your mind to this. You have to put your sexual cravings in check because the REAL relationship you are seeking is not only about the sex.

 

You will never get anywhere in this arena if you don't improve your personality and be the best version of yourself with Aspergers. The question is, when will you see the light and take our advice to heart?

[GuitarGuy7]

So I went to one of the clubs I’m in today, I arrived about 30 minutes early to see if I could practice talking to some people and girls.

 

When I arrived, two of the girls in charge of the club were already there. I said hello to them but they said nothing, they didn’t even look up to say hi to me. I tried asking what they were going to do for thanksgiving, one girl said Chicago and then I said where I’m going to, no response from them.

 

I tried talking about plans for the club but she kept looking at me as if being super annoyed with me and got to the point where she was no longer responding to me at all. At one point, she even got up and left to go sit by herself in another room, and when I walked by where she was sitting to go to the bathroom,, she moved back to the original spot.

 

 

They talked to one another but when I tried talking to them, they weren’t very receptive.

 

I’m not even saying anything bad or offensive, I’m just trying to be friendly and make conversation but it’s hard to do that when the other person acts very cold and distant towards you.

 

The saddest thing is that this is a very common occurrence when I try and talk to girls. Many act very rude and cold towards me.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm sorry, GG . I'm going to assume you come off as very stiff and rehearsed and that makes people uncomfortable. I really feel like you will have better luck if you just don't try so hard.

[Garcon1986]

Thank you so much for telling us about this experience, it must be challenging to open up about these sort of things. You’re doing the right thing by taking the first step towards your future goals.

 

Typically, in these scenarios people who reject you will do it because your body language is incongruent with the message that your words are trying to express. The next step you need to follow is to do a little bit (or reminisce) About prior experiences, or the experiences that you have seen in your daily life, from people who successfully chat up other people who they do not know. You will find that women have a much more finally tuned antenna towards poor body language than men do. The only acceptable body language in starting a conversation is a smile, and a relaxed demeanor. I am willing to bet a pint of Guinness that you were somewhat nervous when you spoke to these people.

 

What can you do to relax? This is my first homework assignment to you. Think of the last time that you had a relaxed conversation with someone. Why was that situation relaxing, and what can you do to get into that mindset?

[GuitarGuy7]

This is a very common experience for me, women act rude and cold and uncomfortable towards me when I try to talk to them. Some girls will make it obvious by the look of annoyance or disgust on their face when I try talking to them. This happened to me several times last year in my previous club I was in, one girl would always look at me with disgust and annoyance when I tried striking up a conversation with her. Yet with another guy, she was much more friendly and receptive.

 

 

I mean I know i'm some socially awkward guy with aspergers who's not super attractive, but sometimes I get tired of being ignored and treated like i'm some sort of monster. I want to be treated like a human being, I want somebody to get to know me and find out the good qualities that I have (because I do have a lot going for me)

 

 

 

There are very few women who are actually friendly towards me and go out of their way to talk to me, and I really do appreciate that. One girl in particular who is a friend of one of my friends, she is friendly towards me. She has a husband so I would never try to ask her out but I really do appreciate the fact that she's nice to me because very few women I interact with at college are receptive towards me.

[Garcon1986]

Even a physician like me is treated rudely by nurses who do not want to have social interactions with me, so you are definitely not alone. What you are experiencing happens in all levels of society.

 

I have all the qualifications in the world to be friendly with one of my pediatrician colleagues, but she is doing everything in her power to make communication with her difficult. It happens to everybody.

 

Good job on remembering a good experience that you had with women. Can you quantify in words, the reason why you were more relaxed around this woman? Can you then quantify in words why this woman was more relaxed around you?

[alphamale]

i'm above average looking and you know how many women have blown me off or totally ignored me? hundreds if not thousands

 

and yet I've had my fair share of women, we all know that

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

There are very few women who are actually friendly towards me and go out of their way to talk to me, and I really do appreciate that. One girl in particular who is a friend of one of my friends, she is friendly towards me. She has a husband so I would never try to ask her out but I really do appreciate the fact that she's nice to me because very few women I interact with at college are receptive towards me.

 

The women you are going for are in the most egocentric self-absorbed demographic there is.....early twenties college girls. They are not interested in being kind to people who are different. If you want that treatment, you will have to wait until you are tolder and targeting women your age who will also be older and more mature. These girls have not experienced enough of life to realize that there are all kinds of people in the world and they all have value. I remember being in college and while everyone knew who "Ron D." was because of his odd behavior and because he ran everywhere like Forrest Gump, no women befriended him because we were not kind like that back then. And looking back, he wasn't bad looking. Just odd.

[Envy123]

There are certain women who treat me with rudeness too. On the other hand, some other women don't.

 

I have experienced nothing but rudeness from an ex-coworker of mine in my last job. She is truly bitter to men in general and constantly complained about not being able to have a man, and jokingly said that she was going to be a dog lady once. Well, with the attitude, I can see why.

 

The funny thing is that I was going to ask her out, until I found out about her bitter attitude and ended up deciding against it.

[clia]

Here's the thing. Not everyone is going to want to talk to you or like you. That's normal for everyone, not just you. That's life. Where you seem to really struggle (based on your posts) is that you seem to continue to try to force a conversation even after the person you are talking to has made it clear that they do not want to talk to you. Stop doing that. Say hello, and if they are not receptive, walk away.

 

When I arrived, two of the girls in charge of the club were already there. I said hello to them but they said nothing, they didn’t even look up to say hi to me.

 

This is where you should have retreated. Maybe they were in the middle of a conversation, maybe they were preparing for the meeting to start, maybe they just don't like you. Whatever. But when someone barely (or doesn't) acknowledges your "hello," don't continue to try to talk to them. Walk away.

 

I tried asking what they were going to do for thanksgiving, one girl said Chicago and then I said where I’m going to, no response from them.

 

I tried talking about plans for the club but she kept looking at me as if being super annoyed with me and got to the point where she was no longer responding to me at all. At one point, she even got up and left to go sit by herself in another room, and when I walked by where she was sitting to go to the bathroom,, she moved back to the original spot.

 

They talked to one another but when I tried talking to them, they weren’t very receptive.

 

This is very uncomfortable to read. I understand you have aspergers. You really do need to work on understanding social cues. I very much get the impression from your posts that you are trying too hard and forcing yourself on people in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable. When people are leaving the room to avoid talking to you, don't continue trying to talk to them. I encourage you to check out some of the links you have been provided in this and your other threads that are geared toward people with aspergergers. You also might have more success in joining groups and dating sites geared toward people with aspergers, because those women will have the same struggles that you do.