Winning back someone you see every day

[Jase1980]

How would you go about this?

 

My wife of 10 years and I separated earlier this year and she is pretty adamant that it is over with no hope of a reconciliation. Pretty amicable separation but absolutely not something I wanted at all. I basically had high work related anxiety and stress for the best part of a year and I wasn’t the best husband during this time and it`s killed her love for me. She was hurt badly as a kid during her parents divorce and when I first met her she told me not to hurt her as she knew it would end us due to her trust issues with her mum.

 

I made all the usually mistakes, begging, bargaining, pleading, letters, being overly emotional, etc. I`ve pretty much stopped all of that now and told her that I accept her decision and that we move on, that`s what she needed to hear to stop her being stressed out and also stop her from eventually hating me.

 

Most other stories of success that I`ve seen involved time and space, but space is something we don’t have at all as we work in the same building and we see and speak with each other at least once a day, mostly to do with the kids and handing over items for whoever is keeping them that evening. Then we see each other again once at the weekend on the handover on the Saturday. I fought so hard against the separation because I knew that there would never be any real space between us and that she wouldn’t have the chance to miss me or remember how it used to be. I knew that our best chance, maybe our only chance, was to stay together and work through it but she said that would have led to hate if I hadn’t left and got out of her face so I had little choice but to leave.

 

Now that I’ve told her I accept her decision, any time I might now try to bring up the idea of us reconciling is just going to push her further away, that`s what it`s always done and each time I did it before and it just seemed to reconfirm her decision for her.

 

What would you do in these circumstances? I do honestly believe that the fact we see each other every day is ruining any possible chance for a reconciliation. I know a lot of people would probably pray for such an opportunity, but in this case I can guarantee you that it is a negative and not a positive.

 

I should also note that I have made drastic changes to the way I was that drove her away, and she acknowledges this but says that it doesn’t make a difference to her, but she is happy that I am better now for me and for our kids.

[Mr. Lucky]

What would you do in these circumstances?

 

I'd minimize contact and move on with my life.

 

New job, NC handoffs, etc., all are a small price to pay for peace of mind.

 

My friend, the fat lady hasn't just sung, she's reading War and Peace on your time. You need to accept the finality and start thinking about the next steps in your single life. You'll both be better off...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ajequals]

unfortinately as you have seen unless they want us. were wasting our time. work on being the best you can be. maybe in the future she will like what she sees

[Jowo]

I feel so sorry your you, so if this can help :

 

I've kind of been there too, we were not working together but it took her up to 6 months to leave home after seperation so contact was daily too (with one child in between).

 

NC is not an option so it has be done the hard way....

 

The way i handled it :

- I never spoke about the past, myself, the futur, how i felt, what i was doing, who i seeing etc...

- I never expected anything from her, at first it was hard but you get used to it

- It was only minimal facts and words making sure an appropriate level of information was provided for our son's sake

- It was only one way communication depending on who had something to say about our son. If ever there was something that needed to be discussed then I asked her to type it down (we use Whatsapp) so i can read it later and answer in a cold headed, "non emotional" way.

- I had to accept and learn that I was now a seperated dad. That I could make decisions for my son without having to discuss it with his mother. I just stuck with : "don't do what you don't want done to you". I've been fine by this and never had any major issue.

 

These behaviours allows you to control communication and not do additional damage to the "parental relationship". It will also allow you to heal, it's slower than classic NC but it will still happen if you disciplin yourself to that minimal conversation (took me 8 months to be comfortable with this situation)

 

 

 

Even if it's not strict NC it does create distance. You will see each other but not have access to your thoughts and emotions which is really disturbing :

 

At the beggining you will wonder about her all the time asking yourself what she is doing, then you will care less and less until one day you will fully appreciate the ignorence. Not knowing and not constantly wondering about her is what will save you.

 

At the beggining she will not think about you and it will hurt, then slowly she will start wondering more and more because she will see you changing physically, your stance, your presence without knowing what is going on in your head. It's happens very slowly, way too slow when you are still in the healing process. (This happened to her 9 to 10 months after our seperation)

 

At that point our communication had loosend up a bit. A few jokes and "have a nice day" like stuff.

 

From there on anything can happen, you are in a much better position to decide on what happens next

 

In my case this is what happened recently...

 

First for context i have to point out :

- She left for someone else

- No major drama or toxic behaviour before the seperation

- Usual begging after seperation from my end

 

10 months later things got a little weird. She got confused, started expressing regret and sadness. She reached out because she started missing something that she couldn't really explain (or accept...)

 

I did not see it coming, it was really suprising, nothing could have lead me to think she was in that state.

 

I then quickly realized that she was not driven by positive emotions like love, but more by negative emotions like regret and doubt.

She does genuinly care about me because I am the father of her child and that will never change but it's still not love nor desire.

 

I thought i was over it, I lowered my guard and her attitude pulled me a few steps back into a state of doubt, so i had to return asap to low contact. The good thing is at this point it's quite easy and natural since i've been practicing it for so long and I can brush off the emotions quite easily.

 

I now suppose this is a new phase in my story that i can't write yet : After relief and the "honeymoon" the beginning of her realization / healing process. It will be a long process for her too and nobody knows what the outcome will be but thats not really a problem.

 

I'm enjoying my life now and not wondering anymore. I know what to do :

it took me 11 months to get here.

 

Be patient it does get better... I used to hate people who said that to me but I now I get it

[kvolm2016]

Glad to hear that you are doing better emotionally and to hear that she recognizes this as well. When you say that you accept her decision, is that truly how you feel? Can you say that you are at peace with her decision to choose a life in which your only role is that of father of her child? Or are you still holding out for things to go back to the way they were before? Would you agree that after the things you have both experienced this year, you are not the same people and going back would not be the same?

[Marc878]

No or limited contact.

 

Chasing always pushes them farther away.

[Orianne]

Since you want to try and save your marriage, you might look into something like Marriage Helper. They have a YouTube channel and are one of the few “guru” groups out there that advise specifically for married couples. They are also against no contact. Instead, they vouch for something they call “smart” contact. I’ve also been following a lot of advice from them and the book called “Divorce Remedy”. I think it’s made a huge difference for me.

 

Basically, with smart contact, you quit doing anything that might be a “push” behavior (all the crying/begging/relationship talk stuff) and if you’re not sure, don’t do it. You also keep your communication strictly business in nature—talk about stuff you need to talk about, like when you need to meet for exchanging kids or the mortgage, or something. However, if your spouse starts conversations with you, instead of ignoring them like you would for no contact, you want to listen and validate them. The validation is key. It makes you a safe place and opens the door on rebuilding the emotional connection between you and your spouse. (I suggest looking up resources on validation.)

 

I know some people feel like you make yourself a doormat by engaging with your spouse like that, but a lot of people seem to have success with it. I’ve been doing this for about two months now, and have seen a shift in my husband. He’s gone from 100% wanting to get a divorce ASAP, to now being content with just staying separated. That’s not exactly where I want to be, but I never expected to even get to this point. Like your wife, my husband was adamant that divorce was what he wanted, but he has definitely started to backpedal. I should add that I also see my husband in person just about every day, and I’m now to the point where he loiters at my house before going home with the kids—previously, he said he couldn’t stand to be around me at all. I think this is a huge improvement.

 

There’s some other stuff you need to do in addition to the contact strategy, but it mainly involves working on yourself and trying to be detached from the situation—you don’t really want to react negatively to anything your spouse does, because that can push them away. You also want to make yourself as attractive as possible, and getting a life outside of your spouse will really go a long ways towards that goal. I hope this helps.

[Jase1980]

Glad to hear that you are doing better emotionally and to hear that she recognizes this as well. When you say that you accept her decision, is that truly how you feel? Can you say that you are at peace with her decision to choose a life in which your only role is that of father of her child? Or are you still holding out for things to go back to the way they were before? Would you agree that after the things you have both experienced this year, you are not the same people and going back would not be the same?

 

 

When I told her I accept her decision that was more to do with me letting her know that my pursuing and push behaviours were at an end and so that she would start to relax with me a bit more and not be expecting another display of me trying to win her back. The main fear I have with this is now possibly missing out on any possible openings or opportunities that may be there, regardless of whether i see them or not.

 

While I kinda do accept it now given how adamant she has been, it doesn`t mean that I don`t still want her back or for her to at least consider the possibility of us working towards a reconciliation.

 

I absolutely don`t want things to go back to the same way as before, and I absolutely guarantee that they wouldn`t. I know we and I would be better than ever, and she agrees this would be the case as well - if she was still in love with me which she isn`t. She is cetain that she will never have those feelings for me again, and she is probably certainly the type of person who would have to be engaged in romance and intimacy for feelings to eveolve / resurface.

 

To be honest, I probably needed what happened to us to happen in order to wake me up from the stress and pressure I have been feeling for a while now - but it didn`t have to come at the cost of the seemingly permanent end of the marriage, just when I was again able to be everything i had been before and more. I would understand and accept this if I had made no changes and wasn't willing to, but that is not the case whatsoever.

 

Bottom line is, she says she just can`t get past the hurt and emotional pain the way i have been recently has caused her. I know I can be the best ever version of me now and she sees that as well, but says that just too much has gone by that she can`t get past.

 

I think it might be a case of time being the only possibly healer and I would wait forever for her - but there is no way that someone like her is not going to get interest from elsewhere in the meantime and my primary fear is that someone else might come on to the scene before enough time has passed to make her realise that we are more than worthy of a second chance at things. It`s the lack of second chance that has haunted me. If we`d given it a fair second crack with some time and it didnt work out then fair enough, but it`s the lack of opportunity to prove to her how things would be now that has really ate away at me.

 

Thank you to everyone else for your comments, very much appreciated. Sorry I don`t pop on here very often hence the reason for my last response.

[preraph]

She's done. You need to accept it. Seeing her every day certainly sucks, but that's not what's keeping you apart (absurd!). She is happier without you, so she's done. I'm truly sorry you are stuck like this, but time to start moving on.

 

I will say that future dating for you is going to be difficult since you see your ex every day and no new girlfriend is going to be okay with that, so I'd be thinking of a way out of that.

[Jase1980]

She's done. You need to accept it. Seeing her every day certainly sucks, but that's not what's keeping you apart (absurd!). She is happier without you, so she's done. I'm truly sorry you are stuck like this, but time to start moving on.

 

I will say that future dating for you is going to be difficult since you see your ex every day and no new girlfriend is going to be okay with that, so I'd be thinking of a way out of that.

 

I certainly won`t be providing that information to anyone new