Old fashioned Dating

[MeadowFlower]

Are there guys these days who date and have relationships, in more of an "old fashioned" way? Like are there guys who actually want to hang out with a girl, get to know her, be friends, get close (not physically) etc, rather than just going on a date and then have sex, or expecting sex soon after meeting, or being suggestive in that way? Are there guys that get into a relationship before having sex with the girl?

[Legatus]

I think the probability of finding them decreases with times but I am sure they're out there.

 

Recently I was ghosted because our date was too intense but when the ghost came back to apologise. She also asked me why I didn't kiss her on that date. I was flabbergasted. She couldn't comprehend that I actually wanted to get to know her first before we even kiss. I think she didn't know how to handle somebody who doesn't have an agenda to ultimately shag her...

 

I finally realised that the reason I have always been like that is because I am also demisexual... I need that connection to even be attracted to somebody. When I look at my relationships or relations with women, the best time is always the beginning. The discovery of what makes them tick, what makes them smile, what brings them happiness and comfort. Then the flirting and anticipation of first kiss, first hand holding, first time.

 

Now that I know the reasons I am so much happier to do it the way I want to rather than the way current social norms dictate it or majority expects.

 

Also I don't really consider it old-fashioned. I prefer to call it classic

[MeadowFlower]

That's kinda cool, calling it "classic".

[PegNosePete]

Yes of course there are.

 

I'd be careful when looking for this kind of thing though. "Friends first" is a bad thing to say and will put off everyone, including the kind of guy you're looking for. There is a middle ground: where a guy is progressing romantically and non-platonically, but without jumping into bed. I would aim for this middle ground rather than over-correcting for the insta-shag crowd you seem to be encountering.

Edited November 22, 2019 by PegNosePete

[SammySammy]

Yes, there are.

[Zinging]

The ghost came back to apologise.

 

Had a bit of a chuckle when I read that...

 

As Legatus pointed out, they're there, but they're getting tougher to find. And those that are there, don't advertise themselves with the #connectionfirst/sexlater tag, as often as women do... maybe because some elements of society have an unkind way of mistaking those that do, as not being alpha/sexual enough.

 

That apart, I've come across a few very well-behaved men on forums - but, who have their boundaries set at a strict Date 3/4 for sex or it's a strike-out. I suppose this is because they've been burned in the past with dead bedrooms, dwindling sex, or partners who've used and abused them.

 

Add in the fact that men as a whole must be coming across the red-pill notch-success stories, their friends bragging about increasing partner count following dating apps... and the 'classic' dater has become something of a precious rarity.

 

Rather than friends first, I'd say aim for something in your bio that reads like - looking for a relationship, hoping to make a connection with someone who shares similar values... etc. Hope you find your gentleman soon!

Edited November 22, 2019 by Zinging

[balletomane]

Yes. I'm dating one.

[Legatus]

I spared the forum the whole story but you'd chuckle much more at the two weeks after the ghost came back. I gave it one more chance and then I said "**** it" (metaphorically) and went NC.

 

@zinging is totally right. Nobody talks about it openly because in today's world it sounds like a line. If I had an OLD profile and said "I want to be friends first", women would thing it's just saying it without any value.

 

Therefore there are no labels or proclamations when I meet somebody, however, I do it the way I want it. At least now. I am so happy I didn't let myself being coerced into being more physical just because a woman needs validation about her body. It actually allows me to filter "confident" women, who keep their confidence literally close to their body, job, or status in life. The actual confident women for me are those who are not afraid to talk about what they feel and they're not insecure if I'm not all over them.

 

I have to admit two weeks ago when I was at my angry stage I thought perhaps I did something wrong there. Now I am adamant I did the right thing. I didn't compromise myself, in order to find her approval, even though it still stings a bit : )

[Zinging]

I spared the forum the whole story but you'd chuckle much more at the two weeks after the ghost came back. I gave it one more chance and then I said "**** it" (metaphorically) and went NC.

 

Now now... that's one way of making someone curious, if there ever was one!

 

@zinging is totally right. Nobody talks about it openly because in today's world it sounds like a line. If I had an OLD profile and said "I want to be friends first", women would thing it's just saying it without any value.

 

Therefore there are no labels or proclamations when I meet somebody, however, I do it the way I want it. At least now. I am so happy I didn't let myself being coerced into being more physical just because a woman needs validation about her body. It actually allows me to filter "confident" women, who keep their confidence literally close to their body, job, or status in life. The actual confident women for me are those who are not afraid to talk about what they feel and they're not insecure if I'm not all over them.

 

I have to admit two weeks ago when I was at my angry stage I thought perhaps I did something wrong there. Now I am adamant I did the right thing. I didn't compromise myself, in order to find her approval, even though it still stings a bit : )

 

Good on you, for recognising unhealthy behaviour patterns and weeding it out in time.

[some_username1]

I think the probability of finding them decreases with times but I am sure they're out there.

 

Recently I was ghosted because our date was too intense but when the ghost came back to apologise. She also asked me why I didn't kiss her on that date. I was flabbergasted. She couldn't comprehend that I actually wanted to get to know her first before we even kiss. I think she didn't know how to handle somebody who doesn't have an agenda to ultimately shag her...

 

I finally realised that the reason I have always been like that is because I am also demisexual... I need that connection to even be attracted to somebody. When I look at my relationships or relations with women, the best time is always the beginning. The discovery of what makes them tick, what makes them smile, what brings them happiness and comfort. Then the flirting and anticipation of first kiss, first hand holding, first time.

 

Now that I know the reasons I am so much happier to do it the way I want to rather than the way current social norms dictate it or majority expects.

 

Also I don't really consider it old-fashioned. I prefer to call it classic

 

I can relate to some of this. I get the impression I’m unusual for a guy because I would rather feel I have a connection with a girl before the physical side (I don’t see the point in just having sex because it’s there) but this is usually not something that women are looking for, funnily enough, they want it straight away and I’ve been ditched because I’ve not tried to force myself on them early enough :shrugs:

 

But it is a fine line and one thing I think I have learned is that everyone has their own timetable and usually it’s not very negotiable eg whilst women don’t want to seem easy they also seem to get offended if a guy isn’t pushing for sex too. And as much as I prefer to take my time initially I still have my limits, ideally I like the anticipation and build up of sexual tension whilst getting to know a girl over 4 or 5 dates then I would want to move things on to a sexual level because I’ve learnt that too early is bad for forming a relationship but I’ve also dated women who have insisted on not rushing into anything and we’ve found ourselves on date 6 and the momentum has drained out of it and you start to think that they are playing with you a bit.

 

So as much as I want to meet the right girl for a long term relationship I’m not looking to go on dates and just hold hands for 2 months before agreeing to a relationship and then finding out we aren’t sexually compatible. You have to find out you are sexually compatible fairly early on imo.

[some_username1]

Had a bit of a chuckle when I read that...

 

As Legatus pointed out, they're there, but they're getting tougher to find. And those that are there, don't advertise themselves with the #connectionfirst/sexlater tag, as often as women do... maybe because some elements of society have an unkind way of mistaking those that do, as not being alpha/sexual enough.

 

 

Yeah this relates to my post above, I definitely feel like there is a 'game' between men and women these days where the man is expected to push just the right amount and the woman expects to be able to control him and then she dictates when sex eventually happens. Failure by the man to fit in with this schedule results in him being ditched for not being sexual enough.

 

I think this expectation of men contributes to the current dating woes a lot of women experience where they get pumped and dumped. Because of their egos they aren't very adept at cultivating burgeoning relationships with guys who aren't out to pump and dump them.

[Legatus]

@some_username1 of course it's a fine line, like with many things. I totally agree about timetable even though I don't have one. When it feels right it does and even though my last episode was a complete misalignment on that part, I still feel like you can't just bend your comfort for the other side. Being flexible, of course, adjust your behaviour slightly, why not.

 

You're right in saying people can't really talk about it at the beginning, hence there will always be an element of a game. Trying to judge the other's position on the matter but let's be honest - most of the time it happens organically. At least I believe so, if it doesn't I'm not even going closer

[The Outlaw]

I fell in line that way with how I was raised, so yes, they're out there. But as pointed out, they're becoming scarce.

[Zinging]

Failure by the man to fit in with this schedule results in him being ditched for not being sexual enough.

 

I think this expectation of men contributes to the current dating woes a lot of women experience where they get pumped and dumped.

 

Can the above be avoided if this was said when the subject is broached while dating-

 

"Physically, I am very passionate in a relationship where I have developed a connection with the woman... connection dictates intimacy for me... that's the way I've always been... don't get me wrong... you're absolutely lovely, and I would like to get to know you more, to build on this connection."

 

It makes it known that the girl/guy can be very sexual if in the right relationship, but that the latter has to happen first.

 

Can't see why even the most traditional man/woman would consider this approach offensive. After all, it is expected that people enter the dating world seeking some form of intimate bonding.

As for those who want to go faster, this'll explain the need for the brakes, and probably pique the interest of some enough to want to slow down, and date a bit more to see if there's a connection?

[some_username1]

Can the above be avoided if this was said when the subject is broached while dating-

 

"Physically, I am very passionate in a relationship where I have developed a connection with the woman... connection dictates intimacy for me... that's the way I've always been... don't get me wrong... you're absolutely lovely, and I would like to get to know you more, to build on this connection."

 

It makes it known that the girl/guy can be very sexual if in the right relationship, but that the latter has to happen first.

 

Can't see why even the most traditional man/woman would consider this approach offensive. After all, it is expected that people enter the dating world seeking some form of intimate bonding.

As for those who want to go faster, this'll explain the need for the brakes, and probably pique the interest of some enough to want to slow down, and date a bit more to see if there's a connection?

 

My intuition and experience tells me that you can't try and discuss it or try to frame it, men are expected to lead and explaining to a woman why the brakes are on is suicidal because as far as most women are concerned you shouldn't even have any brakes!

 

I think as the poster above says you should both find the same level at the same time organically, although for me that has only ever happened rarely but it's the best experience when it does. I see it as a compatibility test, most of the time the woman will go too fast or too slow and we won't meet in the middle but the kind of girl I'm holding out for will. If they even make girls like that anymore, that is

[snowcones]

It depends on what age group you're talking about. They exist more in the older crowd, of course.

[fromheart]

Are there guys these days who date and have relationships, in more of an "old fashioned" way? Like are there guys who actually want to hang out with a girl, get to know her, be friends, get close (not physically) etc, rather than just going on a date and then have sex, or expecting sex soon after meeting, or being suggestive in that way? Are there guys that get into a relationship before having sex with the girl?

 

I was inclined that way, a long time ago. Didn't meet any women like that, so I gave up.

 

Nice guys come last, no point in being one.

[d0nnivain]

Are there guys these days who date and have relationships, in more of an "old fashioned" way? Like are there guys who actually want to hang out with a girl, get to know her, be friends, get close (not physically) etc, rather than just going on a date and then have sex, or expecting sex soon after meeting, or being suggestive in that way? Are there guys that get into a relationship before having sex with the girl?

 

Understand a few things. One many men need to have sex to feel loved. Many women need to feel loved to have sex. It's a bit of a catch 22

 

You need to pay attention to the word choices you make. No man who wants a relationship with a woman wants to be friends first. Friendship is purely platonic with no chance for romance. What you want is somebody who is willing to date & get to know you, slowly without immediately rushing to sex. Yes, I think those people exist. However dating involved flirtation & that is suggestive so some extent. So no I don't think that you will find a good man to date if you expect that there won't be some sexy banter even early on... you do have to fuel the fire. You can do that & still build an emotional & intellectual connection which is what I think you are saying you want prior to sex.

 

A better plan is to lighten up about the flirting, accept it & have fun with it but know your own boundaries & don't cross them. For me, if I wasn't ready to have sex with a man, I stayed out of places where sex could potentially happen: no going over to the other one's house; no trips away together; basically I would avoid flat surfaces -- like beds & couches. I was happy to hug & kiss hello / good bye or have a hot make out session in a car or something but there were clear boundaries. I kept my hands in places on him where I was open to reciprocal touching.

 

Most men I know will let the woman take the lead on the pace & direction of their initial physical interactions but that requires the women to make some sort of forward progress and enforce her own boundaries. If you are saying no no no but grabbing for his crotch or making off color innuendos you are sending mixed signals.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Modern women have ruined courtship and chivalry with the Free Love movement and extreme feminism, but there are still some men who are into these things.

[Els]

Sure. H and I did, and we're not particularly old either.

[divegrl]

Yes there are.

 

However most men will, in some way or another, ask for sex. It’s your job to determine when you are ready.

 

There will be men who want sex after date 3, you say no, and then go on to pursue you for many more months.

 

Many in the church community wait until after marriage for sex, so there’s that.

 

Have a beautiful day my friend.

[MeadowFlower]

Friendship is purely platonic with no chance for romance.

 

I disagree. In my world friendship can lead to a romantic relationship. That is one of the ways to my heart, is for a guy to be my friend.

[MeadowFlower]

So as much as I want to meet the right girl for a long term relationship I’m not looking to go on dates and just hold hands for 2 months before agreeing to a relationship and then finding out we aren’t sexually compatible. You have to find out you are sexually compatible fairly early on imo.

 

What about sexual compatibility being semi determined by kissing. Would that give some indication? I still don't agree with the whole sex as part of dating, or like some sort of process to find if it's a match. Can't sex be just something that you do because you like or love the person. And it happens without expectation or obligation. And when both parties are ready.

[Shining One]

Are there guys these days who date and have relationships, in more of an "old fashioned" way? Like are there guys who actually want to hang out with a girl, get to know her, be friends, get close (not physically) etc, rather than just going on a date and then have sex, or expecting sex soon after meeting, or being suggestive in that way? Are there guys that get into a relationship before having sex with the girl?

I used to be this way. Unfortunately, dating this way never led to sex for me. Had this dating method yielded positive results, I probably would have stuck with it.

[MeadowFlower]

Sure. H and I did, and we're not particularly old either.

 

Where did you find him? Lol