I'm too afraid to even let someone know I like them

[Luke Cage]

I don't know what to do. I'm mostly venting but would welcome any feedback.

 

I'm almost 40 and never dated in my life. I haven't thought about this for a very long time but now it's all I think about. I caught feelings for a female friend and I can't let her know how I feel. She opens up to me, we have a deep conversation that ends in a passionate hug and I end up avoiding her for a while. I give her a brief and awkward "Hello" as followups for a week or two, then eventually we will end up talking again where it seems like she makes it a point to open to me and the cycle repeats itself.

 

I don't know why I'm like this. Everyone tells me to just ask her out, I have nothing to lose and everything to gain, the worst she can say is 'no' etc. I accept these on a rational level, I can hype myself up and think this is the day, to hell with whatever happens and then when I see her, a good friend, I'm too afraid to even approach and end the encounter asap when we do talk.

[alphamale]

if you know that she doesn't have a bf, then by all means ask her out...what's the worst that could happen?

[Luke Cage]

Worst that could happen is I'm rejected, feel bad for a little bit and then move on. The rational part of me is fine with that. When the time comes and I interact with her, every possible issue that I can think of comes into mind and I just never ask.

 

I mean I'm pretty confident I can score a date with her for instance but since I never done this before, I don't know where to go, what to say, what to wear (I have no sense of fashion at all), how to act, etc, etc, etc, and I just get overwhelmed and back off.

[lana-banana]

Why do you think you haven't dated before now? If you can understand what's held you back so far, you might better understand what's holding you back now and how to handle it.

[normal person]

I mean I'm pretty confident I can score a date with her for instance but since I never done this before, I don't know where to go, what to say, what to wear (I have no sense of fashion at all), how to act, etc, etc, etc, and I just get overwhelmed and back off.

 

If you know she's receptive to the idea, then you have nothing to worry about. If it's as you describe, then I bet she'll be so relieved and excited that you finally ask her out that she won't be as keen to scrutinize minor missteps you might make.

 

Go to a decent bar/restaurant. Talk as you normally do but don't be afraid to turn up the heat a little if the situation warrants it (start by telling her she looks nice, etc, etc, etc) -- if she agreed to go on a date with you, odds are she expects and wants you to do so. Wear whatever is appropriate for a 40 year old in your area at this time of the year (probably something with at least a collar), you should look nice but not overdressed. I'm sure there are some youtube videos that could help you out. If not, I'm sure some of the women here could chime in with what you should wear. Other than that, you just have to be yourself and have fun.

 

If she likes you as you say, then the hard part's over. Don't sweat the small stuff.

[schlumpy]

I mean I'm pretty confident I can score a date with her for instance but since I never done this before, I don't know where to go, what to say, what to wear (I have no sense of fashion at all), how to act, etc, etc, etc, and I just get overwhelmed and back off.

 

You may consider trying some chemical help from the doctor but let's leave that aside for now.

 

The usual scenario that plays out is a guy is smitten by a girl. Even if he is shy he is internally compelled to be near her and seek her company. This builds until he finally confesses his attraction or asks her out.

 

What you are describing fits more with someone who is married and is smitten with a woman. He is still internally compelled to seek her attention but only takes it to certain point because he fears to lose his marriage. Fear is a very good inhibitor. Of course, there are those that do not have those boundaries or those fears.

 

You sound like the married guy or the guy that has a crazy uncle living in the attic that you don't want people to know about.

 

There is a part of your mind that becomes active when you hit the trip wire and it pulls you away.

 

I suggest you get a therapist to look into it or just pop the pills.

[vla1120]

Are you more concerned that if you ask her out and she declines, it could adversely affect your friendship and you will no longer have your deep conversations?

 

I would say the fact that you have these deep conversations and passionate hugs afterwards is a decent indicator that you will not be rejected.

 

When you ask her, just preface it with "I don't want to do anything to jeopardize our friendship, but I am interested in spending more time with you. Would you go out with me?" Or something to that effect.

[Luke Cage]

Are you more concerned that if you ask her out and she declines, it could adversely affect your friendship and you will no longer have your deep conversations?

 

I would say the fact that you have these deep conversations and passionate hugs afterwards is a decent indicator that you will not be rejected.

 

When you ask her, just preface it with "I don't want to do anything to jeopardize our friendship, but I am interested in spending more time with you. Would you go out with me?" Or something to that effect.

 

Yeah, I'm worried about everything. I legit think fear of success is scaring me more than rejection. I'm worried about being judged by her, by onlookers, by myself, even though I know rationally I won't care about that after a few minutes have passed.

 

Someone mentioned a therapist and I am seeing one now. It has done wonders just being able to challenge the bull**** voice in my head. I can do alot of things in life and I've overcome alot of things in the past few years alone. But being able to tell someone I like them is something is the one fear I can't get passed that has been with me all my life.

[preraph]

But being able to tell someone I like them is something is the one fear I can't get passed that has been with me all my life.

 

Okay, listen up, because this is key. You don't TELL someone you like them. You show them. Telling someone is awkward and fearful, which you don't want to be. I think you've probably already shown her you like her by spending time with her.

 

Please realize asking someone out on a date is NOT a marriage proposal. If she says yes, that doesn't mean she's in LOVE with you and obligated to more than the next three hours of date. Dating is to spend time with someone and see if you can get to know them better. And more than that, it's to HAVE FUN! If it's still this hard for you, maybe it's not time yet or maybe your friend isn't who you should push the envelope getting out of your comfort zone with first because once they know you're crushing, if they only see you as a friend (which is usually the case if you've been hanging with them longer than a few months because you put yourself in that role), you risk losing a friend because it becomes awkward.

 

But if you're willing to risk the friendship, by all means just ask her out. Make sure she knows it's a date. "Would you go out to dinner with me Saturday night?" Do NOT confess feelings. You don't confess feelings until you have dated someone and are reasonably sure they reciprocate those feelings, so at least have already gotten physical. Taking her to dinner shows her you want to date her, and that's ALL she needs to know.

 

If you are uncertain about dress, go to a department store and ask a clerk in the men's department and shoe department to pick out one dressy outfit and one casual one and just tell them to update your look and make sure it fits and goes together. Then go to a salon and get a professional haircut. Not too short.

[Foxhall]

"feel the fear and do it anyway" buddy,

 

better to make a fool of yourself (although your not doing that!) than never try and keep wondering forever.

 

you will feel better for asking.

[Mr. Lucky]

But being able to tell someone I like them is something is the one fear I can't get passed that has been with me all my life.

 

You're not proposing, composing a sonnet or inviting her to the prom, you're just looking to extend the time you have together.

 

Next time she initiates a conversation, just say "I really enjoy talking to you, can we do it over a cup of coffee this weekend?"

 

what to wear (I have no sense of fashion at all),

 

Wear a pair of jeans, nice t-shirt, fairly new sneakers and temperature appropriate jacket.

 

Slow and steady ...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited November 23, 2019 by Mr. Lucky

[mark clemson]

Note: If you do this and she asks whether it's a date, say yes, not no. That clarifies things so you don't have to backtrack later on WRT to what you are (eventually) looking for here.