How open does one have to be in a relationship

[Foxhall]

hmmn more comfortable being a responder than an opener, but would not mind some guidance on this.

 

I guess this may be different for long married couples than new relationships but interested in hearing the general consensus,

 

my new girlfriend, we are dating since July, we have a strong connection and it is going well,

 

she surprised me however on a weekend trip by asking to read my mobile phone messages and whats app messages,

 

her outlook is "sharing is caring" and we should not have secrets from other!!

 

she wanted to show me her messages although I had no interest in reading them.

 

I am a private chap by nature, I like my own space and this type of closeness in a relationship is a little outside my comfort zone,

 

She found a few "questionable" items in my phone, I have regular contact with a few other women , just harmless friendship stuff and so on, I also had a few gambling bookmaker apps on my phone,

both of these upset her I suppose and I had a bit of explaining to do!!

 

While I stressed that I will be loyal to her, at the same time I let her know I am no choirboy and would not be ceasing contact with any of these other women or would not be deleting my apps.

 

she went quiet on me for a while but we resolved it ok I think after a bit of a rocky day.

 

Anyway my question I suppose is

 

Is sharing of phone messages normal in close relationships, or is a certain amount of privacy ok?

 

I can see it moving to viewing my bank account and so on next , and getting to know everything about me I guess is where she is heading!

 

We are late 30s, I do feel she is the one if there is to be one,

 

but how much do I have to share with her?

Edited November 23, 2019 by Foxhall

[elaine567]

As she is the type to want to want to go through your phone and in doing so she found other women and gambling apps, I very much doubt things are truly "resolved" from her end.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

As she is the type to want to want to go through your phone and in doing so she found other women and gambling apps, I very much doubt things are truly "resolved" from her end.

 

I'm not the type to ever want to go through anyone's phone, but I agree with this statement.

[LivingWaterPlease]

For me, that would be an invasive request but I guess not everyone would feel that way? I don't know.

 

I'm not sure I could be with someone who asked for that privilege. And I wouldn't ask it of anyone else unless it was part of a plan to reestablish trust after having been cheated on.

[d0nnivain]

I have been married for 11 years. DH & I have never read each other's email or text messages. I wouldn't dream of asking. There have been times if one of us is driving & the phone dings, we'll ask the other to see who the message was from. If the message has something to do with our travels we will ask the other to open it. That is more a part of being a team then some misguided sense that reading somebody else's phone is akin to trust

[major_merrick]

If I were you, I'd draw a line at letting her have access to your phone. Especially if your partner is so bold as to demand it!!! My partners don't go through my phone or laptop, and I don't go through theirs. I suppose they'd let me if I asked, but I don't. Then again, we don't ignore each other when we're on the phone/computer either. People come first, tasks second, electronics third. Partners only start questioning if they can trust you if you are on the thing a lot.

 

Other than my electronics and my finances, my partners have access to just about everything. My husband doesn't go quite as far - he has an entire locked office down the hall from our bedroom that only he has access too. I have no idea what's in there, I've barely peeked in there once in two years, and I don't ask questions. Not my business since it doesn't come between us. See how that works?

[Happy Lemming]

I've been dating my girlfriend for almost 8 years. She has never asked to go through my phone and I've never asked to go through hers.

 

In life there are some things that are private. I trust her and she trusts me.

 

I would feel violated if someone started snooping around in my private documents or phone. And if she asked (to go through my phone) I would tell her its none of her business.

 

As far as my financial documents/bank accounts/investments, etc.; my girlfriend has no idea about any of my information and I'm not willing to share. Its none of her business. By the same token, I know nothing about her financial affairs and don't want to know.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

My husband doesn't go quite as far - he has an entire locked office down the hall from our bedroom that only he has access too. I have no idea what's in there, I've barely peeked in there once in two years, and I don't ask questions. Not my business since it doesn't come between us. See how that works?

 

Not even remotely close to the same thing as wanting to see someone's phone. What your husband is doing with his off-limits office is freakin' weird.

[mark clemson]

Tough call. I think the fact she's offering to reciprocate shows she expects this from you and will continue to do so.

 

In a GF it's controlling IMO, esp since it becomes an issue when you have stuff she doesn't approve of (e.g. the gambling apps).

 

If "she's the one" REALLY and you are looking to have a LTR, then IMO you will either need to accept this or negotiate a lesser level of monitoring where you are both comfortable.

 

I think she cares about what's on your phone because she wants to feel secure about her "safety" (emotional, financial, etc) as she develops further emotional and other ties to you. She may have been burned before by a male who did much more questionable things and so is trying to protect herself. At any rate, since it's her interest level in you (in part) that's driving this, it's both good AND bad.

[mark clemson]

To answer your more general question, I think the level of "openness" varies quite widely by couple. My wife shows almost no interest in what's in my phone. But of course there are folks here who post indicating that they are "open books" sharing all passwords, etc. I know where my wife's passwords are, but I've never bothered to ask to log in to anything for "monitoring" purposes or similar.

[elaine567]

We can all have our opinions

BUT

 

her outlook is "sharing is caring" and we should not have secrets from each other!!

 

It is thus what she thinks that really matters if your relationship is to continue.

She now probably thinks you are "shady" with your other women and your gambling. So I guess you now wanting to hide your phone to "maintain your privacy" will not go down well.

 

IIRC she is Mexican, could this be a cultural thing?

Mexican men are not supposedly famed for their fidelity...

[major_merrick]

Not even remotely close to the same thing as wanting to see someone's phone. What your husband is doing with his off-limits office is freakin' weird.

Actually, I think it is pretty much the same. He keeps nothing on his phone at all. No pictures, documents, contacts or anything else. Same with his computer. He's old-school and prefers paper or at least a paper backup for all his business records. The glance I got of his office....lots of tall black file cabinets. BORING.

 

I think a big part of trusting your partner is learning to limit your curiosity and your infidelity worries. I mean, yeah I could ask a ton of questions about my husband's office. Does it do any good? Nope. Does he ask what's on my laptop? Nope. Probably wouldn't be too happy about me being on LS But neither his time in his office or my time on the net keep us from each other. When we're both in the same space, we're basically present in the moment. That lowers the jealousy a lot. If the OP wants to keep his phone secret, step 1 is to spend less time on it and lower the jealousy.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think a big part of trusting your partner is learning to limit your curiosity and your infidelity worries.

 

 

Agree. But my point was a man with multiple wives living on an anti-government compound keeping a locked office that nobody can enter is quite a bit different than a regular Jane or Joe locking a cell phone.

[snowboy91]

I've never felt the need to ask my partner or any previous partner to see her phone messages, nor have I been asked to show mine. The whole point is that we trust each other not to do anything that would damage our relationship. If my partner was cheating, it would probably surface in some other way that is noticeable (unexplained absences, stories not adding up, etc) that wouldn't require me to read messages.

 

Asking to see the other's phone is rife with paranoia in my opinion - it simply demonstrates a lack of trust.

[BaileyB]

I’ve never read my partner’s phone, not do I intend to do so.

 

That said, we are very transparent with each other. If my boyfriend was hiding communication/friendships with other women and/or online gaming - that would be a problem for me.

[greymatter]

I’ve never read my partner’s phone, not do I intend to do so.

 

That said, we are very transparent with each other. If my boyfriend was hiding communication/friendships with other women and/or online gaming - that would be a problem for me.

 

Ditto for me.

[basil67]

I don't hold with going through each other's phones. Despite the fact that we both know each other's pass codes, I would not offer mine or ask to see his phone. That said, your g/f found things which I wouldn't be OK with. I don't think it's OK to be having private conversations with other women when your partner doesn't know who they are and what your friendship is like. And I'd be unhappy if gambling was part of my boyfriend's life and he'd hidden it from me.

 

In short, she went looking for red flags and found them. I'm not sure she'll get past it. Who are these women you're secretly messaging with and why are they so important to you?

Edited November 23, 2019 by basil67

[Mr. Lucky]

Who are these women you're secretly messaging with and why are they so important to you?

 

Agreed, there seems to be two competing agendas here.

 

She doesn't trust you - in either your friendships or activities, a position you validate by doing some seemingly untrustworthy things.

 

I'm going to guess she somehow peripherally got wind of this and decided to address the issue head on. As you'll now need to do...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Foxhall]

Thanks, I appreciate all your responses,

 

of the responses I found quite interesting a few people saying, that in long term relationships, you would not read each others phones and would be independent financially.

food for thought.

 

in relation to a few other points raised,

 

yes she is from Mexico- so there are probably some cultural differences,

 

Yes , she also was cheated on in a previous relationship- so this may explain the concern over my contact with other women,

 

in relation to why they are important to me, well I had a phase where struggled with friendships and so on and these women were really good for me at the time,

Id know them about 4 to 5 years, and to reference other threads that regularly come up here,

I am one of these guys that likes meeting women just for coffee!

 

I am gambling for over 25 years (what age did I start at!!)

 

never had a problem with it really, but I understand why it might be a No No.

 

Yes Mr Lucky I suppose all I can do now is deal with this head on,

I am hoping to make things work with this lady, so perhaps I'll make some compromises.

[elaine567]

The problem here is not particularly about women friends or gambling, the problem is that you presented yourself one way but a quick scan through your phone showed you to be a completely different person.

Not an open and honest one, but one who hides other women and gambling.

If it is all so "harmless" then why was it hidden away?

 

As she has already been cheated upon, I guess these "other women" will have to go, sooner or later if you want her to stick around.

You hid them from her, if she hadn't found them on your phone you would still be hiding them from her - that fact will gnaw away at her.

[Happy Lemming]

I am gambling for over 25 years

 

I'm making the assumption that you are talking about legal gambling and gaming. That being said, if you enjoy it, then its none of your girlfriend's business what you do with your money.

 

Where I live, there are (legal) Casinos everywhere and people are frequenting them. There is nothing wrong if you want to play a game of chance with YOUR money. It is your disposable income, do with it as you wish.

 

I really don't like the fact that a girlfriend is telling you what you can and can't do with your money... Who you can be friends with... And who you can communicate with...

 

Personally, I'm not changing one thing about "me" for my girlfriend. If she doesn't like it, use the door. She will be easily replaced with another. NEXT!!

[FMW]

I would never ask to go through a partner's phone, and if they asked to go through mine it would make me have serious doubts about whether we could move forward. It's about trust - either you have it or you don't. You can't manufacture it by being all up in each others' business.

 

As to gambling, as long as you aren't putting your financial stability and security in danger, that's something I wouldn't have a huge problem with.

 

As to your enjoying meeting with women "just for coffee", personally I would have a problem with that. It doesn't make you wrong, but I wouldn't be comfortable with someone I'm supposed to be exclusive with meeting up with other women one on one.

 

Clearly these are just my thoughts and opinions. I think for good relationships you have to have similar views on these types of issues or at least be willing to compromise. I think your view of her being the one might be challenged by what appears to be incompatibilities.

[elaine567]

Seems to me that there is general consensus against snooping or partners being able to access phones, yet time and time again those who snoop or accidentally gain access or like here, have asked to look, usually uncover "something" that undermines their trust in the phone's owner.

Why it it then seen as bad practice, when it may save a lot of heart-ache way down the line.

What good is "privacy and trust" if it just allows the untrustworthy to get away with hood winking their "loved" ones?

[FMW]

What good is "privacy and trust" if it just allows the untrustworthy to get away with hood winking their "loved" ones?

 

If your partner is untrustworthy it's going to show up if you pay attention and don't ignore warning signs. Generally by the time someone snoops through someone else's phone, they already know in their gut there's something wrong, they are just confirming.

 

Or if there's nothing to find then the snooper has trust issues that are going to be an ongoing problem, regardless of what their partner does or doesn't do.

[elaine567]

Generally by the time someone snoops through someone else's phone, they already know in their gut there's something wrong, they are just confirming.

Yes but had the OP's gf subscribed to the attitude of most of the posters here, she may not have found out about the other women and the gambling until she was half way up the aisle or pregnant.

Seems there is a consensus against this woman finding out the truth.

 

Is this about head in the sand behaviour, "What I do not know does not hurt me" or is it more about protecting and justifying one's own "secrets"?