How open does one have to be in a relationship

[major_merrick]

Perhaps a bit of both. But also there's the idea of "what the other person doesn't know they can't take out of context or blow out of proportion." Sometimes a bit of privacy keeps small stuff small. In my case, I don't want to know everything. I realize that if I only get part of the information by snooping around, I could jump to conclusions and my reaction could cause stress. I know that I can have trust issues, and in the past when I've looked into things I've gotten worried without cause. People keep things private for all sorts of reasons that are less nefarious than cheating.

[pepperbird]

I've been married a bit more than 22 years now, and we take a slightly different tack. We share everything. If I wanted to see his emails, answer his phone or scroll through his messages, I can. I just choose not to. The same is true for him.

 

 

We see it as being "we" instead of "me". Mind you, if there is something he wants to keep private, we talk about it, and he explains why. I respect his wishes.

 

It works for us.

[Happy Lemming]

@Foxhall

 

How do you think she would feel if you demanded she dump her purse and show you everything that is in there?? How would any woman feel if their boyfriend started going through their purse??

 

Personally, I would never (under any circumstances) touch my girlfriend's purse for anything. That is her personal space and I'm not violating it.

[elaine567]

There is nothing and never has been anything in my purse that a bf shouldn't see.

Like what?

[Happy Lemming]

There is nothing and never has been anything in my purse that a bf shouldn't see.

Like what?

 

It doesn't matter what is in there. It is your personal space. We (guys) have no business going through it or asking what is in it. Everyone is entitled to their own privacy and personal space.

 

Your date/partner shouldn't act like a TSA agent.

Edited November 23, 2019 by Happy Lemming
spacing

[Kitty Tantrum]

I value honesty more than openness.

 

I don't expect my husband to necessarily share everything with me - I just don't want him to LIE about anything. Honesty is in our wedding vows, assumed access to everything, however, is not.

 

There is nothing that I can imagine actually being unwilling to share with my husband - but again, honesty is critical, in the sense that I would expect him to request access to whatever instead of snooping and gaining it covertly.

 

Snooping does become justified, in my opinion, if there is legitimate suspicion that the terms of the relationship have been violated (or that there is some other grave wrong-doing that must be brought to light).

 

But expecting, requiring, or assuming blanket access to everything at all times for the purpose of assuaging fears and insecurities developed in past relationships is really unhealthy and a great way to undermine your current relationship. Don't be that person.

[basil67]

Happy Lemming, I can't see that she's telling him what to do. Yes, she's told him she's unhappy about what she found, but she may simply be gathering information on whether or not to dump him. No evidence of 'control' whatsoever.

[mark clemson]

There is nothing and never has been anything in my purse that a bf shouldn't see. Like what?

 

 

Second cell phone with all the extramarital BFs and steamy texts/sexts.

 

(Not you Elaine, just hypothetically...)

[Happy Lemming]

Yes, she's told him she's unhappy about what she found, but she may simply be gathering information on whether or not to dump him...

 

Let her be unhappy, OP has free will. If he wants to gamble, so be it. He should also be able to communicate with whomever he wants to.

 

Personally, I'd tell her... I'll save you the trouble of further pondering. NEXT!!

[chillii]

But how come you got other women on your phone and still talking to them anyway, after 5mths was it ? Aren't you too sure about your gf yet ?

Anyway wanting to see what toys you got on your phone is one thing , but using that as a screen to snoop around , to me would piss me off.

We lend each others phone all the time, sometimes l leave mine home for gf so she can use my wifi and l take hers.

Don't think l ever looked through her phone and l got ways to tell if she looked through mine and what she did.

l mean l don't worry about it now of course but back at the start l was a bit uncomfortable leaving her mine.

But l saw she's never even looked at or opened anything . Not that l'd really mind if she did, especially now , but purposely snooping s another thing , that'd piss me off.

Or if she actually asked me to check my damn phone , hmmm. that'd piss me off too.

[preraph]

I certainly wouldn't let anyone read all my messages. I mean, if I did, it would be a betrayal to my women friends (I'm female) who write me confidences and to whom I write. It's like a diary. That is private. As far as I am concerned, no one has the right to show my messages to their boyfriend! It's personal and private. I have encountered this before too, and I hit the ceiling about it.

 

So to me, it's one thing if you have been caught cheating so you owe a long-term partner transparency, but even then, they shouldn't get to read your messages to and from your same-sex friends, only ones from the suspicious woman or whatever. And if you weren't married or you weren't planning on having a forever relationship, I'd just break up rather than set myself up for a lifetime of monitoring.

 

The person you date, at no time in history, has had the right to know everything you say to everyone in your life! There is such a thing as confidentialilty and privacy among friends and family, so it's not just about her and you. It's about them too. Innocent parties who don't deserve to have their communications aired.

[Foxhall]

Happy Lemming-I like your thoughts on this,

 

Just on the gambling, I suppose the word conjures up a negative image,

 

for me it involves occasional bets on the outcomes of horse races, I believe I do it in a controlled manner and am never investing any more than I can afford to lose,

 

I am not putting my wages on red or black or anything in a casino!!

 

Myself and herself we met today, things were a little cool, I happily showed her my betting activities for the last year,

 

the women thing it seems is more the problem now, I dont know I only realised today how sensitive the girl is,

 

yet there is a good connection I think overall, so hoping to get over this!

[basil67]

Personally, I'd tell her... I'll save you the trouble of further pondering. NEXT!!

 

I have no doubt you would. But you've made it broadly known that you don't want a relationship. If the OP wants a relationship, he first needs to figure out which behaviours are acceptable and which aren't in a relationship. Secret friendships with other women are never going to go down well.

[elaine567]

the women thing it seems is more the problem now, I dont know I only realised today how sensitive the girl is,

 

Sensitive???

You have been messaging and seeing women behind her back and she is "sensitive"

You are minimising this.

This would be a deal breaker for many women.

You many lose her over this.

[basil67]

Foxhall, would you be OK with her having secret male friends?

[Foxhall]

preraph,

 

 

Yes I take your point,

 

perhaps I have not considered that privacy aspect in all of this,

[Foxhall]

well Im ok with her playing tennis with male friends, and she goes dancing every week, presumably with other males,

 

I do trust her looking at it the other way,

 

I have not hidden from her that I have other female friends, I have spoken some of their names to her in conversation,

 

yet it freaked her out to see the texts,

 

seeing that it might end does actually make me think, Yes I want this to work,

 

a long term committed relationship is something new to me really , it is over ten years since Ive had anything similar, so I am still adjusting to that dynamic I suppose.

[basil67]

Perhaps if she met them and was included it would be easier for her

[preraph]

^ Yeah, that's it. If they're just friends, you need to introduce her to them and let them be her friend too. If it's your secret stash of women to talk to you might want more one day, then that's the problem for her and it all depends on how serious you want this relationship to be. But she should know your friends if you're planning on keeping her around.

[Happy Lemming]

But you've made it broadly known that you don't want a relationship. If the OP wants a relationship, he first needs to figure out which behaviours are acceptable and which aren't in a relationship.

 

I am in a relationship and my girlfriend and I are coming up on 8 years, so I would define that as long-term. She is named as the main beneficiary in my will (just in case I get creamed on my motorcycle). We both are in agreement that we have a healthy relationship and fulfill each others needs and wants (for the most part).

 

We respect each others privacy and trust one another. I would never touch her phone and she would never touch mine.

 

I imagine the OP can find someone similar that he can bond with, without getting interrogated, snooped on, told what to do with his money or told who he can or can't be friends with.

 

There is a lid for every pot and it appears OP and his girlfriend aren't a great fit. If OP wants to make it fit, then he'll have to acquiesce to her demands and periodic inspections.

[Happy Lemming]

for me it involves occasional bets on the outcomes of horse races, I believe I do it in a controlled manner and am never investing any more than I can afford to lose...

 

Yes, for a brief period of time I lived in Baltimore. I very much enjoyed going to Pimlico and betting a few dollars on the horses.

 

I went to the Preakness a couple of times and very much enjoyed myself. Again, making a few bets on the horse races... Good times!!

 

So yes, definitely enjoy YOUR money (disposable income) at the race track and no need to explain yourself to anyone.

[basil67]

I'm sorry, HL I must have confused you with someone else regarding wanting a relationship.

 

Absolutely the OP could find someone who won't insist on looking at his phone. I wouldn't ask to do it either. However, he currently has the double issue of a) her insecurity of wanting to see the phone and b) being caught out doing things which would likely be a problem regardless of whether they be found now or later.

 

The gambling shouldn't be a problem if it's controlled. But one would be foolish to marry a gambler without knowing the parameters of their gambling habit. I don't think any of us would want to lose a house over a spouse's secret gambling problem. But a few small bets here and there would likely not be an issue.

 

Secret female friends would also be an issue if found out by most women.

 

Sure, he could dump her and continue doing what he's doing - but is it not better to first consider what others would deem reasonable in a relationship?

[Happy Lemming]

well Im ok with her playing tennis with male friends, and she goes dancing every week, presumably with other males,

 

I do trust her looking at it the other way,

 

 

"What is good for the goose is good for the gander" - Author unknown

[Happy Lemming]

I'm sorry, HL I must have confused you with someone else regarding wanting a relationship.

 

No worries... Neither of us want to get married, but we do want the relationship to continue as it is. She is divorced and never wanted to re-marry and I didn't want to ever get married. We are committed to one another and get along quite well.

 

At this point, we don't want to live together either. Again that is a mutual decision and we are both in agreement. She likes her space and I like mine. It works for us.

[mark clemson]

Your female friends were from prior to the relationship starting. Are they truly "secret" or just not yet discussed with her?

 

Regardless, I think the key to female friends is to 1) explain why they're your friends and 2) be completely transparent with your SO about any dealings you have with them

 

My wife gets to veto any specific friend (male or female) if she feels genuinely threatened or has some other reasonably good reason. She doesn't, of course, get to tell me not to have friends.

 

To me, for a GF this would be overreaching, although if it was a GF I was very into and wanted a LTR with, I suppose I might give her "wife privileges" on this after significant time or other investment in our R, I guess I'd have to see in the specific situation.