Engaged/Married coworker stares/glances at me constantly?

[DongDiggity]

Everyone involved is in the military. She and I work one shift, her fiance works another. They are 20, I'm 26. She and I recently got moved here. Me for normal military movement. Her because they got courthouse married (so the military recognizes their relationship and allowed her to be stationed with him) so their LDR/6 hr relationship could finally be with each other. Essentially she has said their actual wedding should be next summer (already bought a dress), and they wanted to live together in the interim to make sure they were truly compatible. They've been LDR for almost all their relationship minus the last few months, and they met 1.5 years ago and immediately dated. They are technically married, but to everyone outside the military they are "engaged".

 

I'll say that I do like her. A bit less than I originally did, but I still do. I've never flirted or done anything. Treated her like everyone else. I didn't make anything obvious (as far as I'm aware).

 

We were pretty chill for a bit, I'm not sure when things got awkward. I just noticed her constantly staring and glancing at me. If I remotely look her direction, she will glance/stare. Caught her multiple times, and every time she always glances down and away, or pretends to look at something else. Two most obvious times were here just staring at me across a table during a briefing. I purposely avoided looking at her and just looked at whomever was talking. Eventually I just got annoyed and looked at her to confirm she was just staring at me, and ta-da, she was. Second most obvious time was when we were working together, side by side, and I turned to her to ask her what was just said (she should've been listening as well). Welp, she was just staring at me, and quickly pretended to be looking at the wall. Except, we were a foot apart so she didn't sell it well, and once she realized I was waiting for an answer, she just looked at me and tried to say she didn't hear. Except she was so flustered or whatever that she said something non-coherent, almost like she had a stroke.

 

On top of that she pays an absurd amount of attention to me and what I say. She will say small catchphrases I say to myself back to me, even if I said them weeks ago. Go out of her way to include me in conversations I'm not originally part of. If someone says something funny/outlandish, she waits for my reaction to react. Like if someone says something funny she will chuckle, if I smile or laugh she will randomly finish giggling/laughing. She also randomly giggles sometimes when I ask her basic mundane questions.

 

 

This among small other things makes me think she likes me. Or I guess, for any other girl I would be pretty sure. Except:

 

She constantly talks about her boyfriend. I guess they do everything together so it makes sense, but I've never met a girl who liked me who talked about their partner, ex or current. Even when talking about her sensitivity to smell, she throws in how she gets nauseous with her partner because of his cologne when they get close to each other. Just recently she was talking how her partner knits, coworkers teased him when his shift came to relieve us, and I guess he was annoyed by it and ignored her. She legit looked like she was going to cry and just stared at him from afar. She lights up when he's around. And many other reasons I firmly believe she loves him and isn't looking to leave him. There are times she even avoids me, though now I feel like she puts herself in situations with me.

 

She does not seem like the type to cheat at all, and has never been forward. We were never close friends, just good coworkers. Though I get the sense she gets annoyed/mad if I don't give her attention (purposely). Slamming books, and even (angrily) putting in vacation for January for her partner and her in front of me after we sat in awkward silence for a bit during downtime.

 

Wtf is wrong with her? What does she want? If I didn't like her I don't think I would really care, but it's messing with my head.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

they got courthouse married

 

They are technically married, but to everyone outside the military they are "engaged".

 

 

She constantly talks about her boyfriend. I guess they do everything together so it makes sense

 

If I didn't like her I don't think I would really care, but it's messing with my head.

 

He is her husband, not her boyfriend. They got married at the courthouse. Nevermind how this 20 year old is acting, you need to behave like the 26 year old you are and leave her alone.

[alphamale]

^this.....

[DongDiggity]

I do everything in my power to limit my interactions with her. Our job has a ton of pair/group work and we are paired together constantly due to job-related reasons. And even then, I let us just sit in awkward silence most of the time and preoccupy myself with the wall if I have to.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I let us just sit in awkward silence most of the time and preoccupy myself with the wall if I have to.

 

Good. Keep doing that. She is someone else's wife. Doesn't the military have some sort of rule against infidelity?

[DongDiggity]

Good. Keep doing that. She is someone else's wife. Doesn't the military have some sort of rule against infidelity?

 

It certainly does. And while I may not make the military a career (contract ends next year), I've worked too hard for what I have to throw it away for some thing so foolish. Plus, I have morals.

 

I'm not asking "how do I get her", just wtf could possibly be going on in her head.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It certainly does. And while I may not make the military a career (contract ends next year), I've worked too hard for what I have to throw it away for some thing so foolish. Plus, I have morals.

 

I'm not asking "how do I get her", just wtf could possibly be going on in her head.

 

It matters not (at ALL) what is going on in her head, unless you're looking for a confirmation/ego-boost that she is interested in you, which also should not matter. None of us were promised a temptation-free life. It exists everywhere. Respond to it with integrity and you will never have regret.

[Mr. Lucky]

I've worked too hard for what I have to throw it away for some thing so foolish. Plus, I have morals.

 

If the above is true, why do you care about this?

 

just wtf could possibly be going on in her head.

 

She could be sitting there steaming with white-hot lust for you the entire 8 hours you're together. Shouldn't matter to you one way or the other.

 

Time to turn your focus to other (single!) women...

 

Mr. Lucky

[DongDiggity]

If the above is true, why do you care about this?

 

 

 

She could be sitting there steaming with white-hot lust for you the entire 8 hours you're together. Shouldn't matter to you one way or the other.

 

Time to turn your focus to other (single!) women...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Just my personal curiosity and I figure if I knew why I could handle this a lot better than I am now. I originally thought I had done something wrong and made her uncomfortable or whatever which was why she always had her eye on me. Now I'm just confused. I understand why I'm being told it shouldn't matter (and I agree), but it doesn't stop me from still being curious.

 

Also, I'm pretty average in the looks department on a good day. I don't think I've ever met anyone that has fallen into lust for me, especially now that I'm in a workplace that is 95% male.

[elaine567]

My guess you are projecting all the attraction, lust and interest you have for this girl onto her.

You see everything she does as being about you as you are desperately looking for clues to show she thinks about you in the same way you think about her.

 

Second most obvious time was when we were working together, side by side, and I turned to her to ask her what was just said (she should've been listening as well). Welp, she was just staring at me, and quickly pretended to be looking at the wall. Except, we were a foot apart so she didn't sell it well, and once she realized I was waiting for an answer, she just looked at me and tried to say she didn't hear. Except she was so flustered or whatever that she said something non-coherent, almost like she had a stroke.

I used to do this a lot. Get lost in my own world, day dreaming, staring at something close by but not really looking. I wouldn't hear a thing until someone "woke me up"

She didn't hear a word, because she was not really present and paying attention and she then found it difficult to get back into reality.

[DongDiggity]

My guess you are projecting all the attraction, lust and interest you have for this girl onto her.

You see everything she does as being about you as you are desperately looking for clues to show she thinks about you in the same way you think about her.

 

 

I used to do this a lot. Get lost in my own world, day dreaming, staring at something close by but not really looking. I wouldn't hear a thing until someone "woke me up"

She didn't hear a word, because she was not really present and paying attention and she then found it difficult to get back into reality.

 

There were just two examples. She's not just daydreaming and it's a coincidence. I've had a coworker ask me if something was going on because she constantly was staring/smiling at me one day, I didn't even realize because I was preoccupied. Eventually he just chose to sit in a way to block her sight of me so she could focus. I was off to the side and behind everyone and she kept turning around. Laughing at things I did/said that no one besides the person I was talking to should have heard or seen.

 

Hell, a group of us vanpool to work to save on gas/mileage (it's a bit of a drive where we live). I don't even look up from my phone anymore because I've found her staring at me through the sideview mirror.

 

I could go on and on.

 

I don't lust for her, nor do I think about anyone outside of work much at all (except the few I chill with). I just enjoy(ed) her company at work, but now I feel like I have to walk a tightrope at work. It's not fun.

Edited November 23, 2019 by DongDiggity

[mark clemson]

I think what may be going on is she may have figured out that you have some level of attraction, feel flattered, and be enjoying the ability to "safely" flirt now that she is married. This feeds her ego a bit.

 

She may also simply be trying to be friends with you.

 

She may like you/be attracted to some extent, but as pointed out that hardly matters in this context.

 

It's too bad this bothers you. If it was me I'd just roll with it and be her friend with (low level) flirting, but perhaps you don't like that sort of thing.

 

The way to shut this down, if that's want you want, is to shut it down. Interact minimally and don't reciprocate her attention, etc. as indicated above.

[DongDiggity]

I figured I would give an update.

I got a lot of good advice here and elsewhere in my life. I recognize on a subconscious level I wanted something to happen, and I was twisting interpretations certain things in ways in order to make it favorable to that outcome. Essentially, the only direct thing she ever communicated to me was her repeated bringing up of her relationship when talking about her life/plans/interests, while the rest was just guesswork. It's better to take what's blatant and not speculate anything else. Additionally around Thanksgiving I had some personal issues arise, which put me in a really bad and gross mood until the the start of this year (Holidays always get me down though).

 

So after Thanksgiving I pretty much cut her off. Cordial when necessary, helpful always, but never showing any attention nor interest which was easy when I had personal issues on my mind. I did it a little too extreme (for example we drove together to work for 2 days, 30 min commute one way, and I didn't say a word to her the whole time), but in the end I needed to do it. She seemed depressed and when confronted by some people about what was wrong said she was having the worst week at work ever.  When I looked up to her staring at me, even while right next to me, I just ignored it and looked away and made myself busy which was usually met with a weird sad groan, or a sigh. By the time Christmas break finished, I was finally in a good place. She was off my mind, infatuation gone, and my personal issues are as fixed as I can reasonably expect them to be.

And so far this year (past few weeks) have been great. I realize now that my infatuation is gone, I can talk to her more since I'm relaxed and not overthinking things. I don't care to censor myself because of what she may think of me.

 

There are still weird issues. For example, she gives exasperated/sad sighs a lot when I'm around her but preoccupied with other things. Still stares/looks at me which I still ignore. I made a comment saying "I really hate working with some people" and she immediately replied somewhat under her breath "like me...." in a sad serious fashion. I thought I misheard and asked her to repeat it and she said it again without making eye contact. I kinda laughed and told her no, an figured she was joking at the time, but I don't think she was. Makes me wonder if she was concerned I hated her or something which caused all this? 

 

I was projected to move to a different shift than her and she never cared when I told her a few months ago, only saying she was trying to get the same shift as her husband. Now that has been scrapped, and I'm pretty bummed because I wanted to change shifts. She didn't seem to care when she found out. I mentioned a few days later  my frustration about it being randomly scrapped (and I guess saying I wanted the change), and she got really weird and buried her head in her hands for a second and gave some weird frustrated/sad groan/sigh (I can't even describe it) then recollected herself. Ended up excusing herself a little bit later to the bathroom for a bit. Not sure what that's about it. Not my problem.

 

 

But essentially, I'm in a clearer head space now. I don't expect anything nor do I think about this (or anyone from work) once I leave work. At this point I think she was concerned I hated her or something which caused the confusion. I figure I can show I don't hate her through my actions (helping her like I help everyone else and I offered to buy her and her husband something off their wedding gift registry or whatever it's called), and the situation will rectify itself over time. I assume the stares/glances/smiles/sighs will go away in time as well.

 

Thank you to everyone who was patient with me and offered advice.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Thanks for the update.  I'm glad you're in a better headspace.  It's possible she liked the attention you gave her/she got from you and is frustrated now that she doesn't have it, even though she had no other intentions.  Some people are just like this!  But, you're doing the right thing as long as you're not mean ;).  Here's to a happy 2020!