My Mom Thinks I'm Being Selfish...I disagree

[MIAho]

For the past few years, I have been having an issue with my mother who constantly makes belittling comments about me or undermining decisions that I make to the point where it is effecting our relationship. She constantly takes jabs at my career choice as a special education teacher because she is still bitter because I quit a low paying dead end job to take a job as a substitute teacher, with the goal of becoming a full time teacher.

 

During that time, I earned a reputation for being very hard working and dependable. My mom however, constantly tried to convince me to quit and when I refused, claimed that I was too lazy to "go out and find a real job." Eventually, I was hired as a full time special education teacher but the potshots continued. She constantly refers to the students I teach as "dumb" and "retarded" and claims that the school I work at isn't that great because they hired me to work there.

 

She forced me to drive my older brother home from a family gathering, even though he lives an hour away from me and after I had already told him no when he initially asked me. She used guilt tactics such as claiming that I would be responsible if something happened to him while he was taking the train home and calling herself a failure as a mother because "her children hated each other". Months later when she drove to visit my brother and realized how long of a drive it was, she told me that she wouldn't ask me to drive him anymore and made it seem as if it was her idea all along.

 

For the last 6 months my nephew, who is autistic, has been living with her and my mom has been having difficulty relating to him. When she wanted to respond to one of his autistic meltdowns with harsh authoritarian punishments, I tried to explain how was an ineffective way to handle him and offered alternative suggestions, given my experience. She immediately shot down my suggestions and told me that I didn't have a clue what I was talking about and added that she has 30 plus years of experience in dealing with kids compared to my three. To this day, she has not apologized and is simply pretending that she never said anything, even though I was and still am very angry at her over that.

 

Recently for my nephew's birthday, she planned a party with the rest of the family. She later told me not to come because she was cancelling the party even though she never said that to anyone else. Despite her resistances , I still showed up. Since then, I have been limiting my contact and the amount of time I spend with her. She seems oblivious and has been asking my sister in law why I haven't been visiting or speaking to her that often. What's the best way to talk to my mom about this?

Edited April 9, 2019 by MIAho

[S2B]

Tell her for your happiness and sanity you will limit contact with her.

 

If she asks why - be honest.

 

Tell her she doesn’t seem to have empathy/compassion for others and her hurtful words to you have been too much.

 

Tell her you will talk more often when she can prove she knows how to be kind and supportive.

 

Notify relatives that her home may not be a good choice for the nephew.

[bathtub-row]

There’s probably no amount of talking that will help. Your mom is way off the mark in how she relates to you and others. The only way you can possibly get through to her is through your actions - like limiting your time with her, or walking away when she starts her idiotic diatribe. It’s very hard to get people like this to see how damaging their actions are.

[Mr. Lucky]

What's the best way to talk to my mom about this?

 

By not talking about it and simply creating the distance necessary between the two of you. You're mom isn't going to change so the ball is in your court.

 

Continued aggravation = keep doing what you're doing

 

Some peace in your life = a new approach

 

I'd plan on seeing her once or twice a year...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Youngestdaughter]

It sounds to me like your mother is a first class narcissist. My mother is. She can never give me credit for anything. Does your mother have a career? Because it sounds like she's jealous of your success, especially with you being in such a noble profession. I think you should do what you've been doing. Limit contact. My shrink told me to limit contact with all toxic people, even my mother. Is yours also just a basically negative person? If something happens to you and your brother, does she make it about herself? Like how your crying upset her? You seem nicer than I. But when I have to be around her, I call her out. She just said a friend of mine was fat and ugly. I told her how superficial she was. Or I ask her if she's ever said anything positive ever. If I were you, I would say, "I'm a teacher, Mother, not a hooker. Could you for once act like a mother and pretend to be proud of me?" But that's me and a lot of people don't like me for obvious reasons. Sorry, I ramble. In short, your mother may not be impressed with you but I am and so, I would wager, are a lot of others. Limit contact as you have been. And, if you have the right words at the right time, give it back. They may be our parents, but once we're grown, respect should go both ways. P.S. If you think she's a narcissist, you might want to read up on being raised by and how to handle a narcissistic mother. Good luck. I hope you have or find others who make you feel worthy and loved.

[LuckyM]

It may not be easy for her to limit contact, though that makes sense, common sense. How close do you live to her?

 

My mother was like that but much worse for all my life and I am older than you. WHen I tried not calling or visiting her, she became very angry and volatile, made threats and used guilty manipulation. It is hard giving useful advice. "Narcissicism" is a new label everyone is talking about now--the new catch word. I'd say she is very full of herself and in order to feel superior to you she must put you down, constantly. It may be a superiority attitude and she holds a serious grudge. and needs to control.Of course, we have only your side of this--is it possible that she speaks a kernel of truth that is exaggerated. Is she a Drama Queen?

What are your Mom's achievements, if any? Does she want you to make up for her lack of accomplishment and career? Or is her career background better? My mother had sour grapes/regret about a lack of career.

I have only 1 suggestion. If you have a close friend or relative whom your mother likes or respects, bring him/her along when you visit. They will be a buffer.

[preraph]

I guess she disinvited you because she's noticed that you are now kicking back at her jabs and doesn't want anyone to see that. Yay! She likes to put you down. My mom did too. She had moments of lucidity when she respected me more, but her basic personality kind of liked trying to put her boot on my head like when I was a kid. I do advise just not spending hardly any time with her. And you need to stick to your "no" when you tell her no and not let her guilt you. That's nuts. Just don't repsond. Don't answer the phone or whatever. Let her stew.

 

If she's anything like mine, she didn't want you busting her in front of her relatives and wanted you to act like the perfect little mother/daughter pair then and only then. So if that's the case with her, she's putting on an act for her relatives or friends, then that's a great time to stand your ground because she won't want to look bad coming back at you.

 

The nephew's mom needs to know she's bad with him, in my opinion.

[MIAho]

It may not be easy for her to limit contact, though that makes sense, common sense. How close do you live to her?

 

It's pretty easy to avoid contact with her since she lives 90 minutes away from me.

 

 

My mother was like that but much worse for all my life and I am older than you. WHen I tried not calling or visiting her, she became very angry and volatile, made threats and used guilty manipulation. It is hard giving useful advice. "Narcissicism" is a new label everyone is talking about now--the new catch word. I'd say she is very full of herself and in order to feel superior to you she must put you down, constantly. It may be a superiority attitude and she holds a serious grudge. and needs to control.Of course, we have only your side of this--is it possible that she speaks a kernel of truth that is exaggerated. Is she a Drama Queen?

 

What are your Mom's achievements, if any? Does she want you to make up for her lack of accomplishment and career? Or is her career background better? My mother had sour grapes/regret about a lack of career.

I have only 1 suggestion. If you have a close friend or relative whom your mother likes or respects, bring him/her along when you visit. They will be a buffer.

 

My mom never finished college. She worked a few secretarial jobs before becoming working in the finance office at a high school. Career bitterness is something that is prevalent in my family, not just with my mom. When I was in college, my father strongly pushed my brothers and I to go into accounting, the field he majored in, despite the fact we all had zero interest in that field.

 

My own theory is that even though my mom outwardly wants to see me be successful and independent, she subconsciously doesn't want to see that happen because she wouldn't feel needed anymore.

[MIAho]

A few years ago, I used to live with my older brother (who is in his late 30's), who is very narcissistic and has a tendency of mooching off of myself and my younger brother. During that time, I would drive him to family gatherings at my parent's house who live upstate from us, which I only did because we lived together. Driving him was also an inconvenience because he always insisted that I pick up his girlfriend who lived 45 minutes away from our place and the trip from his girlfriend's place to my parent's house usually took 3 hours each way. My brother would never even offer me gas or toll money, let alone thank me for driving him. Eventually, he moved in with his girlfriend.

 

Despite that, the requests for "free rides" continued and he still expected me to drive both him and his girlfriend to my parent's house for family gatherings, even though his girlfriend has a car and they both have driver's licenses. On Easter Sunday, after I refused to pick him up, he complained to our mom who pressured me into driving him. During the ride, my brother acted obnoxiously. He tried to go through my cell phone to read my text messages and kept asking me lewd and sexually inappropriate questions about my girlfriend at the time. After this, I told him that it would be the last time I ever drove him anywhere.

 

It was also around this time that my girlfriend broke up with me. Even though I didn't know at the time, I learned later on one of the reasons why she broke up with me was because she thought I was a "doormat" in my family because I kept driving him.

 

But on Father's Day, he again tried to get me to drive him and once again tried to get our mother involved when I refused, who again tried to force me to drive him home, even offering me gas money. But when I refused, she continued to guilt me and said that I was being selfish for refusing to "help my brother out. even though both my father, younger brother and sister-in-law all agreed with me.

 

After this she backed down and my brother stopped asking me but recently she asked if I could let my older brother spend the night in my apartment and go into work late so I can drive him to the airport for a trip he was taking, as well as pick him up in a few days when he came back. When I refused again, she claimed that I was being selfish.

 

For years my older brother has had a sense of entitlement when it comes to expecting everyone in the family to do favors for him, often at the expense of our own lives and plans, and my mom more often than not has been an all too willing enabler. (My younger brother and I refer to him as the "Little Prince")

 

Am I being selfish for refusing to "help out" my brother?

[Mr. Lucky]

Am I being selfish for refusing to "help out" my brother?

 

Don’t think that’s your real question.

 

What you’re asking is “do I have enough faith in my own judgment to determine if I’m being treated fairly, regardless of what others might think?

 

The answer seems to be yes. Congratulations...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Happy Lemming]

I never cared what my mother said or thought of me. Her opinion means nothing. For the record, I haven't spoken to my sister in 25 years. You don't need a "Taker" brother, just like I don't need a "b**ch" sister.

 

If you don't want to drive him, don't. Never be forced into doing something that you don't want to do.

 

Your brother can schedule a shuttle/taxi/uber for his airport run or he can park at the airport and pay for storage during his trip.

 

During my last trip out of town, I parked at an off-site airport parking facility, they had a shuttle that took me right to my gate. It was $6.95/day; I'm sure your local airport has something similar.

[alphamale]

During my last trip out of town, I parked at an off-site airport parking facility, they had a shuttle that took me right to my gate. It was $6.95/day; I'm sure your local airport has something similar.

 

at a small airport all parking would be off site

[Happy Lemming]

at a small airport all parking would be off site

 

So I would think the price should be comparable or even less. Its only for a few days, so the parking fee would be negligible.

[MIAho]

Don’t think that’s your real question.

 

What you’re asking is “do I have enough faith in my own judgment to determine if I’m being treated fairly, regardless of what others might think?

 

The answer seems to be yes. Congratulations...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I can answer that question myself... I know that I'm not being treated fairly. My mom was undermining me and I'm at the point in my life where I'm getting tired of my brother's BS and my mom for constantly enabling it.

[schlumpy]

It's all tied to the word respect. You have been perceived as someone not worthy of respect. You are now changing that perspective but you have already laid the groundwork for everyone's expectations and you won't change their minds easily without saying "NO" multiple times.

 

They can pretend you are selfish to try to get their way, but they will respect you.

[amaysngrace]

Tell your mom he’s selfish for expecting you to be his free ride.

 

Then remind her of the last time he’s done something for you before she slaps around the selfish label.

 

But if she’s going to, point out that dragging her into this like he’s doing is what’s really selfish.

 

She’s the one you need to confront, unfortunately.

 

Start off with, “Mom I love you but...”

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Why does he want to stay with you before his flight? Do you live closer to the airport than he does?

[preraph]

No. Your brother is a user. Your mother is his enabler. And it was high time you stood up to your mother, especially with everyone else on your side of the matter. Tell her if she wants to be his chauffeur, by all means, have at it herself. He needs to stand on his own two feet and stop using you.

 

If he ever reaches a place where he tries to be self-sufficient, then if you want, you can volunteer to take him to the airport. Meanwhile, hello Uber or his girlfriend or (gasp) he can get a second job and buy himself a car. Lord.