Should I tell him he can't come back unless we see a counselor together?

November 24, 2019

My boyfriend of five years and I are going through difficult times.. In the beginning of the relationship we fell in love and I was so happy to have him in my life. I didn't want to mess this up. Slowly but surely I crossed boundaries through being hurtful verbally, controlling behavior and being untrusting. I felt I couldn't control my anger at times and slowly I got more comfortable being hurtful. Looking back I regret not appreciating him for all he did and not being grateful for what I had.

Instead I was mad at him for not giving me everything I thought my life should be like. Instead of focusing on building a life with him and appreciating him I gave him a hard time for "not being good enough" which is bull****. I am afraid I hurt him to the point where he now has no feelings left.. He was my man that I cherished and ran home into his arms everyday. I became pretty dependent on him. We were in love but I was too stupid to realize that everything I ever wanted was standing right there in front of me the whole time. I also made mistakes like telling him I didn't really like his mom.. How could I say that? I really did like her, I was just jealous and stupid..

We would tell each other we missed one another and we were best friends. He said I was the one. I felt like he would always be there for me and I was 100% myself with him. He was the one I would share everything with. I could be my silly self with him and run into his arms. We spent every moment together. He never wanted to not be by my side and he tried so hard to make me happy. He wanted to be together forever. We use to giggle and laugh and even love taking showers together. I didn't really reciprocate the deep in love feelings he had because I couldn't stop thinking of my ex which is so stupid now..

He accepted that he didn't think I was in love with him..I forgot to mention that he has a drinking problem. For so long I tried to stop his drinking but then starting drinking with him.. When we drank together he really opened up to me and I liked that side of him. He was a happy drunk. He also suffers from depression. Fast forward to today and a few months ago he told me he felt like he wasn't feeling what he is suppose to be feeling.. Basically he said he has been unhappy for a while and he is afraid his feelings are slowly fading. He said he felt like everything is falling apart and we are stagnant.

This broke my heart and ever since that talk I have been a mess inside.. I realized all my mistakes and that he is the one I love. Ever since that conversation things have been different even though its obvious we both want to be back in that place. He said that this relationship is what he wants and he has to make this work. I feel more insecure around him now. I told him I'm going to earn his trust and never fight with him again and that he is the one. He believes I am just saying that to get him back to trust me and then I will just go back to my old ways. However, in 3 months we have not fought once and I have been proving myself. I told him I am not afraid anymore and I am upfront with everything. I am not afraid of his rejection, that I love him and he can deal with that.

Even though I have been making efforts to show my love and appreciation, I'm afraid his feelings can't change back. He can't force himself to cherish me again... I am scared and unhappy. I feel like he doesn't love me anymore and although we have some good days and some good nights its not the same as much as we are trying. when he is at work I almost never hear from him anymore until I see him at home. I am too afraid to open up to him now and tell him my feelings. I don't really share with him anymore and when he asks what is wrong I say "I'm fine" when really inside I am screaming and afraid... does he want me to tell him my fears??

It feels like theres an elephant in the room that we are not talking about. The minute he told me he was unsure should I have told him to leave and figure it out?? Should I have made an appointment for us to see a counselor? Should we have kept talking it through everyday until we were blue in the face? Is communicating about those things needed? We saw a therapist one time together and it was helpful but we never went back. So he kind of hit a rock bottom with the drinking and sadness. His parents thought it would be a good idea if he stays with them for a bit and see if changing his environment would be helpful with his mental health. They also are going to help him finally seek professional help which is great.

Its something I should have helped him with long ago but I never tried hard enough to take action.. So last night he packed a suitcase and left to go 15 minutes away and get out of this environment where we live in a stressful household with other people that are sometimes stressful to be around.. He said it might only be a week however I don't know... Why would he ever come back if he was unhappy here? he always wanted us to move out together but we couldn't afford it. Whats killing me is being hung up to dry and not knowing what is going to happen. everyone says i should be supportive of him trying to be healthier and not drink and get out of this environment for a while.

That I should not focus on "the relationship" but that I should focus on him getting help.. I am hiding it from him but I am so scared! this morning while I was at work he came by to drop off two things. I figure if he wasn't planning on coming back that would have been an opportunity to take all of his other things? He did not take anything else. He truly packed just for a week. If he did want to come back I am afraid he would just be unhappy again. I want him to maybe try antidepressants to see if it helps first. He is giving me nothing really. Its almost like he has nothing to give right now.

Should I tell him he can't come back unless we see a counselor together? my therapist said he is not healthy to make relationship decisions right now and to just focus on helping him get better. That this is my time to be mature, loving, and supportive. the immature side of me is afraid and wondering if he can be with me and what is happening to us. I want to text him how much I love and miss him but I withhold doing that.. Is that smart?

Or does he want to hear that from me right now? Im not opening up to him about all of this and I wonder if thats even worse? Im trying to be in good spirits when I'm around him. Part of me wonders if I should scare him and tell him I can't be with someone that doesn't love me and show that I have standards. He said its not about me right now and he has to think about himself and getting healthy.

I also don't tell him I miss him or love him much anymore only because he doesn't either. I'm afraid to put myself out there after all of this. Maybe this is the time to put myself out there before its really over? Thanks everyone I appreciate whoever reads this. I feel like I've lost the power

Edited November 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added paragraphs, please use them!

November 24, 2019

It's very difficult for me to predict an outcome.

The positive sign is your "Come to Jesus Moment" when you not only realized but accepted that you were injecting less then desirable attitudes into your relationship and decided to address those concerns. I feel a tone of perseverance in your post along with true regret.

You both have established a relationship base line and it takes much effort to rip it out and lay a new foundation. You can't do it by yourself. He will have to participate and he can't do that if he runs away to his parents. He came from that environment and chances are they enabled him.

The drinking should have been handled years ago. AA could have helped with as well as Al-Anon. That was a mistake letting it go so long.

It was a very good move on your part to go to therapy even if by yourself. I'm assuming he refused?

The change in environment is a always a good thing. I'm not sure that going to his parents will accomplish that, but I do think you two need a fresh start.

That would entail a new place to live, no drinking, a life plan in place with future shared goals, and rededication to each other.

I can see that you want to get there but does he?

November 24, 2019

A few months ago he was open to seeing a therapist together “if you think it will help” he said. Then I just wanted to talk to the therapist alone and not make him go. I was afraid to face our problems I think. It made it too real. Now he’s not focused on us seeing a therapist, now he is focused more on him seeking professional help for his problems which is good. He’s telling me about doc appointments and everything. I agree I can’t lay a new foundation all alone and he would have to trust me and reciprocate in order to move forward. We would need a fresh start and maybe this is it. He has been gone 2 nights and he texted me at 1 in the morning asking how my night was because I went to see live music with a friend. I don’t know what to say anymore to his reaching out that isn’t filled with much emotion.

November 24, 2019

Seems like a lot of damage has been done. And that’s secondary to his drinking, which overshadows everything.

College girl, you seem young, with all the attendant strengths and weaknesses. I’d gently suggest some more life experience would put you in position to be a better partner, there’s a learning curve involved.

Relationships don’t revolve around what you get, they’re built on what you bring. Not sure either of you are in a place where you can contribute successfully...

Mr. Lucky

November 24, 2019

So he's a drinker and you weren't at first. During that time, did you act like a caretaker to him? Just curious. And then you started drinking. Maybe he doesn't like the drinking you because then you can't take care of him or something like that. Anyway, sounds like alcohol is playing a big role here.

You said you were mad at him for not giving you what you needed, which is vague, but do you mean maybe he wasn't working hard enough or he was wasting money and time or do you mean emotional things?

How much of it is due to his drinking?

Were your untrusting and verbally abusive and controlling comments justified in any way? Were they the truth, or is this your issue?

November 24, 2019

The title of your thread speaks volumes about your attitude towards your boyfriend of 5 years. You don't respect him. You verbally abuse and manipulate him emotionally -- will you be able to truthfully acknowledge this to yourself, or a therapist? I have my doubts. You have been critical and judgmental of him, and giving him an ultimatum shows how manipulative you are. People who issue ultimatums to their relationship partner, do so out of a need to maintain control over that person.

I'm sorry but this relationship is a toxic one for both of you. I think you both have issues that contribute to the stress and strife you detail in your post. So far, it seems he's the only one willing to do therapy. But now you refuse. Why is that. Holding up a mirror to ourselves to address our own dysfunctional behavior is a real challenge. That's why therapists and rehab centers exist; to act as a safe space, and provide a community of support.

I don't think you two are compatible. You are verbally abusive and controlling and he has a problem with alcohol. I think you both need to spend time working on yourselves because even if you attend counseling together, I foresee you denying and gaslighting your boyfriend when he tries to talk about how your actions make him feel.

Unless you feel you are emotionally mature enough to sit silently to respectfully allow your boyfriend to publicly discuss his "side of things" in front of you with a therapist (which I don't think you are), then you really should see a therapist on your own to address your codependency and need to control.

November 25, 2019

Alcohol is playing a role. He does need to stop however I think he may be realizing some of his social life and relationships have been revolved around drinking. If he wants a chance at life he has to make changes even if its something as scary as being alone. Those are my words and what I am thinking.

"You said you were mad at him for not giving you what you needed, which is vague, but do you mean maybe he wasn't working hard enough or he was wasting money and time or do you mean emotional things?"

I mean I regret the times I was hard on him. I didn't make him feel good about himself I don't think. Even though we were so happy and in love I regret not being a better person and I did NOT know he was unhappy.. I never thought for a second every little hurtful word I said had built up in him.. After disagreements in the past I remember going up to him and apologizing and saying I love him. I was naive to think that made everything better. He never told me that if I continue crossing boundaries and being disrespectful that he would leave me. I should have just stopped myself. By the time he told me it was getting bad I guess.

"Were your untrusting and verbally abusive and controlling comments justified in any way? Were they the truth, or is this your issue?"

Not really no.. He really is an amazing man and although we had disagreements I was the one that crossed the line and said hurtful things. The only thing that was justified was that in the beginning of the relationship he was in contact with 2 of his ex's which really upset me. This caused me to be a little untrusting but its really not a big deal now that I look back on things. He is the most standup guy.

November 25, 2019

Let the poor guy go. Imagine yourself living with what you wrote in the first paragraph. men are only so strong. you broke this one

November 25, 2019

What can I do to save things? He is the love of my life. he has been over at his folks this weekend and has reached out to me to check up and left me food for dinner. He sure doesn't care about being in lots of contact with me and doesn't seem to miss me. He knows exactly what I would want to hear and is not being comforting. If this is the end is there anything I can do before the break up? After 5 years together I would imagine he would at least come here and tell me its over or is he slowly trying to fade out without having to tell me directly? I feel like I am being too nice to him while he doesn't tell me that he misses me or treat me right anymore. He said that he isn't sleeping well but feeling better. then he didn't reply after I said I was glad. He can't possibly respect me right now while I am letting this new dynamic play out where he doesn't try. He knows I am here and that I am not going anywhere... that must be comforting for him.. I almost feel like I need to scare him and tell him before he dumps me that I am happy he is finding a new path in life but that I feel he isn't trying at all anymore and I can't be in limbo. That this is cold and heartless. That I don't even know if I will be seeing him on thanksgiving. I can't play along like this anymore and act like we are just friends when I miss the way things use to be between us. I want to tell him that but I am unsure. Should I ask him if he is coming back? that gives him so much power. Also I am not really the same much anymore if I think about it.. I use to call him all the time after work and tell him all about my day and my problems. He loved "fixing me" I think because then he didn't have to face his own issues? We always use to talk about me and how I needed help. Now I try and act happy and perfect and try not to bug him with my problems at all.. He can sense I am afraid and so I am holding back being my crazy silly self. The girl he knew would be blowing up his phone and crying and pissed off right now. She would be kicking and screaming but I am trying not to be that crazy girl anymore.. I almost feel like he liked crazy better.. He has said in the past that he likes crazy. I thought he wanted us to focus on him more but maybe that got too depressing. My therapist advised me to just support him getting help and by all means reach out to him but that I need to be mature... The thing is, the woman he fell in love with isn't all that mature and I feel like I have been fake lately while walking on eggshells. Should I be real and tell him all this before its too late? Or should I wait out the week and then see if he comes back? Im sick of acting "cool" when really I am not!

November 25, 2019

Your therapist is right. He has to make himself whole again before he can work on the relationship.

November 25, 2019

The last nights before he left everything felt good. He was playful and we laughed. He tickled me, we played games, We had awesome sex. He had some of the dinner I made him. However, there was no dramatic goodbye with crying or kissing and no conversation about the relationship. When he is not around he doesn't reach out enough. Im not use to him not being around so its a new vibe to deal with. Should I be outraged or supportive?

November 25, 2019

Thank you everyone for the replies! I appreciate it

November 25, 2019

What can I do to save things? He is the love of my life.

...

He knows exactly what I would want to hear and is not being comforting. If this is the end is there anything I can do before the break up? After 5 years together I would imagine he would at least come here and tell me its over or is he slowly trying to fade out without having to tell me directly?

...

I almost feel like I need to scare him and tell him before he dumps me that I am happy he is finding a new path in life but that I feel he isn't trying at all anymore and I can't be in limbo. That this is cold and heartless.

I feel there are slightly conflicting ideas in your posts here. Top bit suggests "he is the love of your life and you'll do anything to be with him", but then you say something that reads like "if he doesn't want to be with me, he should just break up with me already".

Here's a question: if you found out by somehow reading his mind that he wanted to leave the relationship, how would you feel? And what would you do? Also, if he left the relationship and that gave him the emotional space to get the help he needs to deal with his depression and drinking, how would that make you feel?

I get a feeling that he's staying in the relationship either out of some sense of obligation (you're trying to make it better and support him, so he feels obligated to do the same regardless of whether he has the energy to do so), or out of fear. If you want to know how he's really feeling, you'll need to ask him in such a way that he knows won't end in you being (excessively) upset. Which is tough given your history of not treating him with respect.

Another way to look at it - you're trying to support him by acting cool but you're not sharing how you're feeling. You need to do so yourself - and explain calmly without it seeming like you're judging him. Difficult, I know, but remember "I" statements are your key... and acknowledge your part in this too.

November 25, 2019

Your BF has real issues which are being addressed by his family who are getting him professional help.

As his GF who drinks with her who is trying to make this all about her, you are in no position to help him. If you hope to fix things, you need to take certain risks. You have to reach out to him. You have to open up & communicate. You should be checking in with him, to see how he's doing as he addresses his demons. Instead you are pouting & carrying on about how he lost feelings. Well gee, you repeated told him he wasn't good enough & that you didn't like his mother. You picked fights. Now you want to make demands about the path to reconciliation. That is not fair or advisable. Work with your therapist to learn about why you aren't being a good partner.

Finally if you need a counselor to make a dating relationship work you may need to seriously consider whether the relationship is worth saving. Especially after 5 years with all these problems perhaps this has run its course.

November 25, 2019

When he is not around he doesn't reach out enough. Im not use to him not being around so its a new vibe to deal with. Should I be outraged or supportive?

Him not reaching out enough is hardly something to be outraged about. Try and temper your thoughts with more reasonable descriptions such as 'disappointed' or 'confused'.

I realise he's not contacting you while he's at work, but him focusing on what he's getting paid to do is a good thing. And expecting him to reach out during his work day is really a bit needy. If he's talking to you of an evening, this should be quite acceptable.

Part of your recovery in this is not just learning to deal with your temper, but also learning to deal with your anxiety. It's running away with you. This relationship....whatever will be will be. If you get demanding or needy or insist on couples counselling, he will likely have to break up with you to maintain his own mental health.

November 26, 2019

It's good that you have met with a therapist. Continue your therapy. It is good for you.

November 26, 2019

I see no reason to be outraged, OP. I also think your idea of trying to "scare" him into being with you is going to backfire badly.

I understand you are hurt and disappointed. But you also need to understand that he cannot prop you up when he apparently isn't even able to prop himself up. The relationship is not his priority at the moment. Tough pill to swallow, I know, but it's the current reality. He's trying to figure out a way to get himself healthy, and the moment, it involves being apart from you. It then follows that he's not checking in and communicating with you as much as you hoped.

It appears that you both have a lot of maturing and growing to do. The relationship seems like it was quite dysfunctional and not going in a healthy direction. In order for this to have a chance of coming back together, you need to take ample time and space away from each other and learn to stand on your own as healthy individuals. Now isn't the time to scramble to save things; it won't work. Hard as it will be, you need to focus on you and learning how to be the sort of woman who doesn't verbally or emotionally abuse her partner, doesn't enable his substance abuse and doesn't lean so heavily on someone else to make her whole. He clearly needs help with his drinking, and from where I stand, you also need help in learning better relationship, anger management and communication skills.

November 28, 2019

Thanks for the replies, I have read every reply carefully and with an open mind. I am not too experienced with LoveShack so I don't know how to respond to each reply exactly but I am considering every piece of advice.

Heres how things are going: It is wednesday night now and so far he has texted me everyday asking how my day is & telling me about doctors appointments. He has gone to 3 appointments which is great! He is trying to be pro-active about his problems by going to appointments. He has not said he loves me or he misses me. WTF. He plans to see me tomorrow but is nervous about how my family might judge him.

When I tried flirting a little over text he didn't really play along but not completely rejected it.

Why am I tolerating this new dynamic where he doesn't even flirt with me anymore or tell me he misses me??

"You get what you tolerate" I know a man respects a woman that DOESN'T TOLERATE NEGLECT AND BAD BEHAVIOR. Men also like having to WORK and earn a woman's respect and satisfaction.. If I am nice to him when he doesn't even really deserve it, Im afraid he won't VALUE ME ANYMORE.

Think of it this way: WHAT IF you suddenly stopped telling your Significant other that you loved them for 2 months straight... and they never even stood up for themselves or said anything.. And they continued to give you back rubs & having sex with you... WOULDN'T YOU FEEL LIKE THEY ARE NOT VALUING THEMSELVES?? Then you would be like, "Well, I guess I don't even have to love this woman or even tell her I love her to be with her and be treated like a king.. she is just giving it away without me even working for it."

THATS WHERE I DONT WANT TO BE..

So since he hasn't said he loves me or misses me shouldn't I pull away and realize I deserve better?

Im going to be patient until tomorrow.. I was thinking of telling him that I need another week to try and figure all of this out. Would that be respectable?

Thanks everyone

I don't want to be a doormat. I was a doormat one time in a relationship years ago and I will never let that happen again. At the same time I will not make ANY sharp moves until I have given it a little time.

Honestly if we decide to continue to be together I wonder if the best thing would be for us to live 15 minutes apart and start fresh. I just don't want to be demoted to someone he comes over at night to sleep with while he is looking for something better.

I clearly have a problem with trust right now and I now understand how important trust is in a relationship! I ALWAYS trusted him with all my heart for all the years we have been together. I always always knew I was his number one girl that he believed walked on water! That he would do anything for and protected at all costs. I was his everything and the one that pretty much saved him from his pain in the past.

ok thanks for letting me vent

November 28, 2019

If he’s to have any woman in his life at present, he needs someone who is patient during his recovery. However the thoughts you wrote just now are impatient, selfish and needy. You also seem to have forgotten how your previous behaviour would have contributed to where he is now. While you’re prioritising yourself and with no understanding for his needs, you’ll only do further damage.

You are unable to give him what he needs. Let his family and friends support him and remove yourself from his life. Leave him alone.

November 28, 2019

Thats what I needed to hear so I don't do anything stupid. I love and support him

November 28, 2019

To be honest, after reading what you've written, it doesn't sound like you do love and support him. There were some very awful accusations you wrote there - and this is not how we speak of someone we love and support. I'm not sure how you can do a complete turn around and become someone who's patient and supportive.

Not trying to be mean. We all need to know our boundaries and it sounds like you'll have a lot of difficulty putting yourself second during this time. Perhaps you'd be better off with someone who has the ability to be more attentive. After all, it may be many months if not a year or so before he's able to function in a relationship.

Edited November 28, 2019 by basil67

November 28, 2019

OP, with respect, you are currently too angry and impatient for this to have any chance of working out well.

November 28, 2019

you are currently too angry and impatient

And not just with him, but with anyone else.

College_girl, live your life a bit, put some miles on the tires. You need to learn more about people, how they relate to you and you to them.

There's challenges in this relationship neither of you, for different reasons, are able to take on. Just saying "I love him" isn't enough, you have to also walk the walk. And trust me, I don't judge, I was less capable at your age of carrying my weight in a relationship than you are.

Some things just take time...

Mr. Lucky

November 28, 2019

Sounds good. And to be clear he is not in recovery he is just tying not to drink. He is still going to make time for his friends. The 2 doc appointments were just regular doctors not therapists. The third appointment was for his sleep issue. In fact I set up that appointment for him.

November 28, 2019

I think the previous advice still stands, even if he is not in a formal rehabilitation program.

He obviously doesn't feel he can stay away from the bottle and maintain the relationship at the same time. Whether he's using this as an excuse to eventually pull the plug on your relationship completely, or whether he's making a genuine effort to stay sober and get healthy before reconciling with you, reacting from a a place of anger and demands isn't going to get you anywhere.

We might as well be real, though - there is a problem when he doesn't feel he can get healthy under the same roof as you. This isn't the time to "scare" him into coming back or pull away with the intention of making him notice you. It's time to take a few deep breaths and observe what he does of his own volition. If that means he's less flirty and loving, then you need to realize that he might indeed not feel very loving towards you at this time and doesn't want to put up a front when it's not genuine. Does that hurt? Of course. Your mistake is viewing this as malicious and reacting by lashing out. I don't get the impression he's trying to hurt or use you or devalue you; I do get the impression that he is confused about his feelings for you and is taking some breathing room to figure out what to do and whether or not to continue the relationship.

Take a step back and a breather for yourself. You two are at a big fork in the road, and while you can't ultimately make him return if he doesn't want to, you can push him further away by being demanding. See how the next couple weeks unfold when you're not attempting to control the outcome.

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