Should I tell him he can't come back unless we see a counselor together?

[basil67]

Excellent post Expat

[College_girl]

He went out last night to the city with his guy friend and at least had one drink probably more. We use to go out together and do stuff like go to bars and concerts. His friend is probably trying to show him the single life and grooming him to live with him. He said the relationship is not a priority right now and it’s sure clear he’s just focused on himself. Why hasn’t he broken up with me? Why does he still reach out and plan on seeing me? Can I ask him about all this now? I feel like if he’s my boyfriend he should act like it and try but if this is how it is going to be where we don’t even really hangout much.. shouldn’t I say something? He’s taking me for granted

[Redhead14]

Alcoholic = dysfunctional relationship. You should tell him he can't come back PERIOD and that he should sign up for a formal and lengthy rehabilitation program that takes him away from the current environment and people with whom he associates for a extended period of time.

[preraph]

Look, if he's trying to drink and really quits, he may not be ready for any relationship for a year or however long. You needed him to work on himself, and it sounds like he is. I believe you might be right when you said he was fixing you instead of thinking of his own problems.

 

I can't tell you whether to stay or go, but it seems to me you ought to support him when you have the opportunity and understand you may be a drinking trigger to him and so he may need space OR he may have to make different choices in women if he ever gets sober enough to mature and normalize, and all that takes time.

 

If he were someone I truly cared about on different levels, I'd try to support him as a friend and be there when he reached out. I would put off dating other people for long enough to see if you can tell what he wants out of you or needs out of you. I'd be patient enough to find out if he is even able to focus on anyone other than himself right now, because he certainly may not be able to take on your problems and anxieties while he's got his hands totally full of his own! You can understand being overwhelmed, can't you? Meanwhile, you keep going to your own therapy. Be patient, let things shake out with him for a few months and I would say don't push him at all for more contact, different contact. He's overwhelmed with himself. Other people become a burden easily under those situations.

 

If you care, hands off, stop pushing, see if he'll keep getting sober, keep working on his problems. Don't smother him at all. Give him all the space he wants, but be there as a friend when he wants.

 

If after a few months, it looks like there's no end or progress, then you think about moving on with your life without him.