He replied to his ex

[Lagoon1212]

My bf and I have been together since August. I’ve never been in a relationship that was going so great. We talk openly abput everything, told each other love you recently and talked about moving in together at some point next year. He told me he could see himself spending his life with me.

 

When we were about a month into a relationship he got a text one morning and immediately told me it was his ex. He showed me the text and it said “ How are you? I hope you are doing well, I am semi ok.”

Few weeks later I asked if he ever responded to his ex and he said no. However, few weeks pass by and he tells me he did eventually responded to his ex. According to him, he told her he has a gf and things are going well. He offered to show me the texts but I refused to see it.

I got upset and when I got ome I textsd and asked him if he had feelings for his ex and why he had the need to reply after a month. He said he didnt have any feeling for her, but he also doesnt hate her and wishes her the best and just” replied. He also said “I shouldn’t have told you” to which I replied “you shouldn’t have texted her.”

 

Little background: his ex and he were together for almost 10 years. They broke up a year ago because she stopped working and he was supporting both of them for three years while she turned into an alcoholic (my bf words). She would also not sleep at home for days and then tell my bf she was at friend’s house. After they broke up he found out she went straight to another man and according to some fb posts they probably started relationship while she was living with my bf. Anyway she never admitted to cheating.

 

I felt hurt that I even have to feel threatened by someone like her.

Our relationship is still going fine but it bothers me and I dont trust him 100% that he doesnt have feelings for her.

Am I overreacting?

Edited November 24, 2019 by Lagoon1212

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Yes you are over reacting.

They were together for 10 years. There will always be something there.

He probably responded because he is a nice guy and does still care about her as a person. That shows maturity.

But that does not impact or lessen his feelings for you. Particularly if his actions show you he loves you.

 

You need to get a handle on your jealousy before you ruin a good thing.

 

Judge him on his actions toward you.

Analyses the relationship on present momentum, not past or future thoughts.

Work on yourself to be the best person you can be to him and the relationship. That is taking ownership for yourself.

 

And yes tell him it makes you uncomfortable that he communicates with his ex. If he then does it regularly then you have a problem but once a year checking in text is nothing to worry about.

 

Sounds like you have a good guy.

Good luck.

[Wanderlust2018]

I don’t think you’re overreacting.

 

His previous relationship sounds very toxic and I really wouldn’t see the need for him to give her the time of day. I also think she’s baiting him a bit with her comment that she’s “semi ok.”

 

People can say what they want about responding to a txt like that, previous history, lengthy relationship...yada yada, but I’m of the camp that silence speaks volumes and sends a very clear msg. It would also trouble me that if you’re in a committed relationship, that he wouldn’t seek your input on whether to respond or not as opposed to unilaterally deciding to do and going off to do it in secret. At least he came clean after I suppose...

[TheFinalWord]

It sounds like your relationship is moving very fast. You have been together a year (or less since they just broke up a year ago) and he was right out of a 10 year relationship? And you're talking about love, moving in, spending life together? That's a lot for one year.

 

The fact that his response surprised you shows you that you don't know him that well yet. And how could you. You're in the honeymoon stage and this is likely the first obstacle you've encountered.

 

I don't think the text is necessarily a deal breaker, but it should be a signal to you that you should slow down a approach with more caution. I would try to restrain from projecting the blissful future you two will have and instead focus on getting to know each other. Moving in isn't going anywhere, so what is the rush. Take your time, get to know him, and recognize that he isn't going to be able to turn off his feelings for this person that quickly. He may also have some issues himself given that he willfully stayed in what sounds like a toxic relationship for so long. She knows him better than you do and knows how to push his buttons.

 

Don't look at her as competition from a pure "check box" perspective. There was 10 years of memories together and she knows how to stir him up. If it's been toxic for a long time and he stuck around, no doubt she knows how to get to him. He recognizes its toxic and he's trying to move on, but it's going to take time. He likely wasn't really in a place to begin a new relationship to be honest. I know it will be hard, but you can't force him to move on. If you try, it's only going to push him further away. If you can support him, maybe it will work. If you try to force closure, it's going to make him hide things from you and then he'll end things because he'll feel it's unfair to you.

 

Emotions take time to process. Normally it's better done in isolation rather than jumping into another relationship. That's normally a band-aid. It's common though, that's where the idea of the rebound comes from. You're going to have to give him time to process his emotions with his ex. Otherwise he's going to hide things from you and then the end is just a matter of time.

Edited November 24, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[Lagoon1212]

It sounds like your relationship is moving very fast. You have been together a year (or less since they just broke up a year ago) and he was right out of a 10 year relationship? And you're talking about love, moving in, spending life together? That's a lot for one year.

 

 

The fact that his response surprised you shows you that you don't know him that well yet. And how could you. You're in the honeymoon stage and this is likely the first obstacle you've encountered.

 

 

I don't think the text is necessarily a deal breaker, but it should be a signal to you that you should slow down a approach with more caution.

 

Actually, we’ve been together since August. I know it is a honeymoon stage and I am cautious about too much too soon and that is the reason we are just talking about moving in, but not now. Maybe towards the end of next year.

I know that the last time they spoke was in January, which means after they broke up, she would reach out once in few months. But When he didnt’t respond to her at first, it felt good. But then he did respond and told me about it... and I just felt disappointment. If what he said about her is true... why does he engage? Again, if it is true... then she is an adult with no personal morals, no goal in life and way older than both of us ( seven years older). After her, my bf enrolled into university to get his bachelors and is doing great. After meeting me, he told me he is now motivated to get his phd. His ex just sounds like a complete opposite and I cant understand it. Sorry, for the rant, I guess I feel little betrayed

Edited November 24, 2019 by Lagoon1212

[Ami1uwant]

You are over reacting.

 

If you are with someone for a long time you are still going to care about them. Especially if something happens to them like something medical or treatment related.

 

After 10 years you have likely developed friendships with others that you both share friendships with or developed relationships with family. He could have become good friends with her brother and with this relationship ending due to her, they likely still have a relationship.

 

Have you talked to him in detail about this relationship? Even if you subtract the last 3 yrs of alcoholic, there was 7 yrs. Why no marriage? What is the chance they could be together if she cleaned herself up?

[Lagoon1212]

You are over reacting.

 

If you are with someone for a long time you are still going to care about them. Especially if something happens to them like something medical or treatment related.

 

After 10 years you have likely developed friendships with others that you both share friendships with or developed relationships with family. He could have become good friends with her brother and with this relationship ending due to her, they likely still have a relationship.

 

Have you talked to him in detail about this relationship? Even if you subtract the last 3 yrs of alcoholic, there was 7 yrs. Why no marriage? What is the chance they could be together if she cleaned herself up?

 

I was gonna ask him, why they never even got engaged after so many years together but I felt it wasn’t appropriate so I didn’t. I did tell him that if she didn’t cheat that he sounds like he would still put up with supporting her, working double shifts while she stays at home and spends the money on alcohol. He just remained silent. But he did tell me he is over her and would always choose me and that I am making him happy, yada, yada...

[TheFinalWord]

I understand why you feel that way. It's up to you if you want to deal with someone that isn't fully emotional available...yet.

 

Sure, on paper, she has little going for herself, relative to you. You're a much better catch, and logically, he knows that. But logic doesn't cancel emotions. Time does. Look how many people date and fall for people that are toxic and have little going for themselves, because of their emotions.

 

Likely he knows that there is no future with her, but the whole situation still triggers his emotions.

 

Again, I don't think it's a deal breaker, but definitely a sign you should slow down and try not to project about the future too much. Take things a day at a time and try not to have expectations about him yet. Let him show you who he is, not the fantasy of what you want him to be. You two haven't built anything, really. There's attraction and some alignment of a vision, but it's largely abstract at this point.

[explosivetomato]

After 10 years I’d be more worried if he was the type of guy not to wish her well. I bumped into my 10 year ex a few months ago - we chatted for 5 minutes and I wished her well as I genuinely mean it. She was a big part of my life and I was glad to hear she is happy with a new partner, as I am.

 

The way you describe your boyfriend’s ex suggests a lot of resentment (“someone like that”, “amoral”, taking a dig at her age despite there being a minimal age difference) and I think you feel he needs to hate her as much as you do. Ease off or you won’t come across well in this. It’s only 3 months so is still at the stage where one major issue can end it.

 

It’s not right for him to be in regular contact, but considering she has health issues, checking in once in a blue moon for a while isn’t too big a deal.

[Lagoon1212]

After 10 years I’d be more worried if he was the type of guy not to wish her well. I bumped into my 10 year ex a few months ago - we chatted for 5 minutes and I wished her well as I genuinely mean it. She was a big part of my life and I was glad to hear she is happy with a new partner, as I am.

 

The way you describe your boyfriend’s ex suggests a lot of resentment (“someone like that”, “amoral”, taking a dig at her age despite there being a minimal age difference) and I think you feel he needs to hate her as much as you do. Ease off or you won’t come across well in this. It’s only 3 months so is still at the stage where one major issue can end it.

 

It’s not right for him to be in regular contact, but considering she has health issues, checking in once in a blue moon for a while isn’t too big a deal.

 

Well... few things.

I dont think I hate her, I don’t even know her. I also don’t think she did anything wrong when reaching out... it is him that responded a month later that got me upset.

Also, I dont think she has health issues. Semi ok probably meant that she either broke up with the man she was cheating with, or just a bait for my ex to feel the need to help her or something in that context.

Also, I mentioned seveb years because she doesn’t seem to have any goal in her life (but again I dont know her and it is judgemental on my part).

My bf comes from a very good background (highly educated family) but he ended up dropping out of college when he met her and started living her lifestyle. She never wnet to college and eventuLly quit her waitressing job and expected her bf to support her. Her mom even got upset when my bf complained about it, telling him that he is a man and should be taking care of her. It is all very strange to me and all that coming from a woman who was in her 30s while my bf was barely in his 20s. Ten years later he is back in school and he is still young enough to accomplish what he wants and has potential for. I know he is an adult too and he made his own decisions...

but I do admit, I might be little judgemetal towards her because I just don’t think I could ever take advantage of someone financially and on top of it cheat on that person.

Edited November 24, 2019 by Lagoon1212

[elaine567]

Remember many women end up drinking to excess to kill the pain of a bad marriage/relationship, cheating in women is often also due to an unhappy or unfulfilling long term relationship. She got out by monkey branching.

So whilst it is easy in your situation to go "OMG the poor man with a drunken and older cheating gf, I will kiss him all better...", just be wary.

 

As The Final Word pointed out, you being "the rebound" is likely.

Do not get too carried away here.

He is essentially a "separated" man, and they can cause chaos and mayhem in their wake...

[preraph]

Of course he has feelings for her. They were together a long time. Do you ever completely stop having feelings for an ex? I mean, your feelings may have died down from being romantic or you may be angry and resentful, but you always remember something about how you felt before things fell apart.

 

If he hasn't shown any other cheating or suspicious behavior, I'd let this go. If he waited a month to reply and then told her he had a girlfriend, that's alright. But she may still be wanting to get back together, so keep an eye on it, even though it's doubtful he wants to get back together. I'd be more worried about him going to her for some kind of ego gratification if you two were having problems.

[Lagoon1212]

Of course he has feelings for her. They were together a long time. Do you ever completely stop having feelings for an ex? I mean, your feelings may have died down from being romantic or you may be angry and resentful, but you always remember something about how you felt before things fell apart.

 

If he hasn't shown any other cheating or suspicious behavior, I'd let this go. If he waited a month to reply and then told her he had a girlfriend, that's alright. But she may still be wanting to get back together, so keep an eye on it, even though it's doubtful he wants to get back together. I'd be more worried about him going to her for some kind of ego gratification if you two were having problems.

 

So far, he hasn’t shown any suspicious behaviour. He tries to spend as much time with me as he can. Sometimes, I have to remind him I have friends and other responsibilities too and we can’t hang out every day of the week. He is spending this coming week with his family (he invited me too but I have work). Also, I dont feel ready to meet his family yet. He calls every night before going to bed and we have a trip planned in January.

So, it is all good, I just hate to think he has some feelings for her or even worse secretly wishes they could get back together or something

[chillii]

Doesn't matter what excuses you can dream up to for a cheating drunken ex being supported for 3 yrs, she's a cheating drunken ex , just like a man would be if vise versa.

lf she wasn't she'd have worked on the relationship or left it honestly , she had 3yrs to do that.

So op , God knows why you'd be worried about a women like that , l'd be far more worried about what that's all done to your bf and the scars he'll have left.

And he was 100% honest with you , and he did the right thing with her. IMO it's better to answer anyway, tell her he's moved on like he did and put it all to bed, otherwise she might keep trying. Wth are you shytty with him, if that's what he gets from being honest with you then your only showing him that's a waste of time he can't trust being honest with you so he probably won't be from now on.

 

 

Anyway, why any man would wanna go back to a woman like that, l dunno why your worried, she's the perfect ex for you.

 

But yeah , l'd be a more concerned about being a rebound but in that , it's a time thing for you two really . l wouldn't rush into living together just yet it needs time to be sure it's all legit and feelings are true.

[explosivetomato]

It was 10 years and they only recently split up. He’d be a monster if he felt nothing. That however is totally different to wanting to get back to her. I think dealing with this involves accepting that after that length of time this woman will for the forseeable, still be in his head on some level, but that doesn’t mean she’s a threat to you.

 

It’s parfectly normal to worry about that. I was with someone for 10 years and my current gf went through the same worries early doors. I had the same the other woay round for a fiancé she split up with seven years ago. Your current issue is normal in a new relationship, if things go well with you it will pass.

[d0nnivain]

Am I overreacting?

 

Yes. They were together for 10 years. That is a LONG time.

 

She texted him. He told you. He didn't hide it. Although he didn't initially reply, when he eventually did, he told you. This man has been transparent. You are annoyed because he wasn't rude & didn't ghost somebody who had been a huge part of his life for a decade. That is not fair. One of the things you like about him is that he's a good person. You can't be annoyed with him for exhibiting the very traits you like.

 

What you taught him by this little outburst is that it's less annoying to him to hide things from you. Now you will make him sneaky & he will be less transparent because you over react

[Lagoon1212]

Doesn't matter what excuses you can dream up to for a cheating drunken ex being supported for 3 yrs, she's a cheating drunken ex , just like a man would be if vise versa.

lf she wasn't she'd have worked on the relationship or left it honestly , she had 3yrs to do that.

So op , God knows why you'd be worried about a women like that , l'd be far more worried about what that's all done to your bf and the scars he'll have left.

And he was 100% honest with you , and he did the right thing with her. IMO it's better to answer anyway, tell her he's moved on like he did and put it all to bed, otherwise she might keep trying. Wth are you shytty with him, if that's what he gets from being honest with you then your only showing him that's a waste of time he can't trust being honest with you so he probably won't be from now on.

 

 

Anyway, why any man would wanna go back to a woman like that, l dunno why your worried, she's the perfect ex for you.

 

But yeah , l'd be a more concerned about being a rebound but in that , it's a time thing for you two really . l wouldn't rush into living together just yet it needs time to be sure it's all legit and feelings are true.

 

We are going to wait another year before moving in together. But also they broke up a year ago, I feel like it is enough time to at least feel ready to date again.

[Lagoon1212]

Yes. They were together for 10 years. That is a LONG time.

 

She texted him. He told you. He didn't hide it. Although he didn't initially reply, when he eventually did, he told you. This man has been transparent. You are annoyed because he wasn't rude & didn't ghost somebody who had been a huge part of his life for a decade. That is not fair. One of the things you like about him is that he's a good person. You can't be annoyed with him for exhibiting the very traits you like.

 

What you taught him by this little outburst is that it's less annoying to him to hide things from you. Now you will make him sneaky & he will be less transparent because you over react

 

I dont think I wanted him to be rude to her but... at the beginning he used to bring her up in conversations. Not too often but still... also, he told me he has now trust issues which I have to deal with. Every time I mention a male friend he gets quiet. And I am patient about it. But while I am dealing with that, he texts her back because he feels bad about her and wishes her well. Also, he mentioned that he would like for her to admit she cheated. Why does he need this confession? Why does he need a closure? It is painfully obvious she did cheat. She moved in into this guy’s house day after they broke up. She had a hydroflask hiding from my bf while they were together. Turns out her new man makes hydroflasks and other stuff for living. She even posted a pic with this guy saying “I love you soooo much” on her fb less than a month after the break up.

 

If she was that horrible, what type of text message he expects to get from her?? Oh, and ten years ago, when they got together, she was engaged living with her fiance and cheating with my bf. Ten years later, history repeats itself.

[schlumpy]

Let's take stock.

 

He's answering texts sent from his ex who he had ten year relationship with but a bad breakup with.

 

He gives you weak excuses as to why he is doing it and says he doesn't trust you when you mention a mans name.

 

Ok. There is a good reason why an SO will complain to their partner of inappropriate contact with the opposite sex and that's because THEY are doing it. By accusing you he can rationalize his own behavior. Don't accept it. He still has unresolved feelings for the Ex and you are impeding the resolution thereof.

 

I know this is exasperating for you but face it - there is little you can do about him texting her or even meeting up with her unless you are willing to end your relationship over it.

 

He will try to keep that from happening by gaslighting you.

 

It seems to me that your choice is to slowly watch your relationship slip away or be bold and tell him if he continues to contact her then he needs to find a new girlfriend. You will then save yourself perhaps months of heartache and start looking for someone who will value what you bring to the table.

 

It's a hard thing to do but many people with hindsight will say they wish they had done it.

 

It's your choice. Don't let him determine your future unless you are on the same page. It is not in your best interest.

[elaine567]

It's not unusual to feel this way, but you hate her, you want her gone, you want her erased from his life, you want him to hate her and thus banish her from his life and yours.

 

BUT he doesn't hate her and that to you is a betrayal. You think he is supposed to be loyal to you and you alone and how can you trust him if he doesn't hate her?

You need to get yourself into a better place. He has a past, you either need to accept it or walk. Demonising the old gf will do you no favours.

 

Oh, and ten years ago, when they got together, she was engaged living with her fiance and cheating with my bf

That's not good, so he was sleeping with another man's fiancee behind his back...

[preraph]

So far, he hasn’t shown any suspicious behaviour. He tries to spend as much time with me as he can. Sometimes, I have to remind him I have friends and other responsibilities too and we can’t hang out every day of the week. He is spending this coming week with his family (he invited me too but I have work). Also, I dont feel ready to meet his family yet. He calls every night before going to bed and we have a trip planned in January.

So, it is all good, I just hate to think he has some feelings for her or even worse secretly wishes they could get back together or something

 

You are just going to have to deal with it that people always have some feelings for their exes. Their exes usually know how to pull their strings, too. I don't think he wants to get back together or he'd be texting her back right away and keeping you secret. But I've never dated a guy who wouldn't still go have sex with an ex if they would allow it. Sounds like he's into you though. Again, I'd be more worried when you hit a bump in the road. But everyone you date will have an ex or some woman who's been after them forever they can run to.

[Lagoon1212]

Let's take stock.

 

He's answering texts sent from his ex who he had ten year relationship with but a bad breakup with.

 

He gives you weak excuses as to why he is doing it and says he doesn't trust you when you mention a mans name.

 

Ok. There is a good reason why an SO will complain to their partner of inappropriate contact with the opposite sex and that's because THEY are doing it. By accusing you he can rationalize his own behavior. Don't accept it. He still has unresolved feelings for the Ex and you are impeding the resolution thereof.

 

I know this is exasperating for you but face it - there is little you can do about him texting her or even meeting up with her unless you are willing to end your relationship over it.

 

He will try to keep that from happening by gaslighting you.

 

It seems to me that your choice is to slowly watch your relationship slip away or be bold and tell him if he continues to contact her then he needs to find a new girlfriend. You will then save yourself perhaps months of heartache and start looking for someone who will value what you bring to the table.

 

It's a hard thing to do but many people with hindsight will say they wish they had done it.

 

It's your choice. Don't let him determine your future unless you are on the same page. It is not in your best interest.

 

I am not sure if you read my post but in the period of four months (since we have been together) she texted once and he replied a month later. And, as far as I know that was the only text. Why are you mentioning him seeing her secretly? He told me that he is disgusted by cheating and lies. But he did admit he has trust issues and keeps reminding himself that I am not his ex. Honestly, if he wants to go back to her, he can. I dont even need an explanation. I guess I could tell him to delete and block her but I feel like it is a little extreme. But I would like to know if she texts him next time.

[preraph]

It's actually worrisome that he made that statement to you. I always say if a guy says something to the effect he isn't good enough for you, believe him, because it's either really low self-esteem OR he knows he'll do you wrong down the road. Keep an eye on him and make note of any more "I'm no good" statements about himself.

[Foxhall]

It used to be that "a little knowledge was a dangerous thing"

 

now it is very much "a little texting is a dangerous thing"

 

I think your ok on this, he has moved on, is committing to you but remains courteous to his ex,

 

no big deal, in my humble opinion!

[elaine567]

Preraph is right, not a good sign.