PinkFlamingo Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 The title of your post made me think you were some bridezilla, but you sounded very reasonable and also in your other posts. In my opinion, your friends don't really care about you, and yes, they might be a bit jealous. I often felt I was the more caring friend, being there when someone needed to get something of her chest, I also reply very timely, but it never felt as if they cared about me as much as I for them or got as much support as other friends. So, I just reduce contact and focus on the friends who do appreciate me. Dump the two girls after the wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 Sorry that happened to you on your wedding day. I think you should have told them not to bother and gotten other friends and your sister, sister-in-law to be your bridesmaids. Who cares if your other so called friends are offended as it's your wedding day and you should have done what would bring you the most joy. I hope that you know now those women are not your friends nor are they trying to be. I hope you move on from them this time. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 On 11/25/2019 at 4:38 AM, CaraGrace said: After reading your words I take a look at the jealousy issue and perhaps it's been there for all these years (see my last reply). My fiance knows I am upset about the situation cos actually a few months ago, I broke down and cried in front of him because of this... i really was stressed out over some issues with some wedding vendors and want them to be my listener. But luckily I can still talk to my fiance and I think everything will eventually work out... This is when you should have told them not to bother and replaced them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaraGrace Posted December 18, 2019 Author Share Posted December 18, 2019 5 hours ago, PinkFlamingo said: The title of your post made me think you were some bridezilla, but you sounded very reasonable and also in your other posts. In my opinion, your friends don't really care about you, and yes, they might be a bit jealous. I often felt I was the more caring friend, being there when someone needed to get something of her chest, I also reply very timely, but it never felt as if they cared about me as much as I for them or got as much support as other friends. So, I just reduce contact and focus on the friends who do appreciate me. Dump the two girls after the wedding. I don't know now... I think I'm still recovering from wedding, and I don't know what I should do to maintain the friendship or just don't... I feel tired... I think I have written in another post about them, about how I am always the one to initiate conversations and meet ups, like birthday dinners, and I have even helped one of them buy birthday gifts for the other girl for 2 or 3 years in a roll, because she just kept forgetting or is always too busy to shop for gifts.. It's not like birthdays are a big deal but it's been the only reason we're meeting up like only 3 times a year and it's like the only way to maintain this friendship. For a while after the wedding I think they have taken more initiative to initiate conversations in our group chat. And they also replied timely when I said my husband and I wanted to treat them a dinner to thank them for their help on our wedding day (my husband said maybe they have done their best, and I thought maybe I was being too harsh on them, so even though I am still upset I think it's ok to treat them a thank you dinner, as courtesy or whatever). Then I asked them to suggest a date so that I could make reservation at the restaurant, and till now no reply or conclusion, again. I don't know why it is so hard to make a decision like this, and it's like the cycle is back and I will still be the one to initiate everything but then I would appear to be the person who talks or asks too much and then I am ignored.. I am so freaking tired of these.... Link to post Share on other sites
K.K. Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 Why do you keep trying to make this happen? You were close with them way back when and you grew apart. It happens. They showed up at the wedding. It was horrible. So why are you giving them yet another chance to not be what you want them to be. The friendship is dead in the water. Let it go already. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaraGrace Posted December 18, 2019 Author Share Posted December 18, 2019 3 hours ago, stillafool said: Sorry that happened to you on your wedding day. I think you should have told them not to bother and gotten other friends and your sister, sister-in-law to be your bridesmaids. Who cares if your other so called friends are offended as it's your wedding day and you should have done what would bring you the most joy. I hope that you know now those women are not your friends nor are they trying to be. I hope you move on from them this time. Too many things went wrong on the wedding.. so many regrets... people that should have been invited were put in a lesser priority then people like the relatives who bailed or didn't show up, people that would have cared more about the planning and execution of plans to make sure a smooth wedding were put in a lesser priority then these friends whom I thought should be by my side since we've known for the longest years... but I was all wrong... but there was only one chance and no matter how things will go next, the wedding is over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaraGrace Posted December 18, 2019 Author Share Posted December 18, 2019 10 minutes ago, K.K. said: Why do you keep trying to make this happen? You were close with them way back when and you grew apart. It happens. They showed up at the wedding. It was horrible. So why are you giving them yet another chance to not be what you want them to be. The friendship is dead in the water. Let it go already. Because husband thinks I am being too harsh on them, he thinks they have done their parts and their best. I don't know. Indeed for me, not even he has done his part because he refused to ask his relatives to rsvp and told me to just assume they would all come but ended up they didn't... but to him it's not a big deal. He doesn't even know I was walking down the aisle with the wrong music, because he too didn't involve in the planning. To everybody nothing was wrong, and it feels like I am upset and mad at everybody and seems like it's my problem.. and that I really should be thankful because at least they showed up. Husband keeps asking me for a date for thank you dinner so that he could book a table, I keep telling him that the girls haven't answered and I don't want to initiate it anymore. He came up with a date and asked me to propose to the girls, but I refused to do so... Link to post Share on other sites
K.K. Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 No! Stop letting people tell you what to do. This just puts you back in the same spot you were in before- reaching out to be friendly and having them be able to hurt you again. For all you know your ‘friends’ are sitting there trying to figure out how to get out of this dinner! Of course they are. They’re probably texting each other like “omg can you believe this” You were good friends in the past. It isn’t like that anymore. You’ve spent a lot of time hurting over this already. Forget these girls. I don’t know why your husband is trying to interject himself into it anyway. He should be standing up for and by you. Tell them all to get bent. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Piddy Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 Time to leave the wedding behind and move on in life with your husband. Why not tell him about all that went wrong so you guys are on the same page? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 19, 2019 Share Posted December 19, 2019 5 hours ago, K.K. said: N Quote o! Stop letting people tell you what to do. This just puts you back in the same spot you were in before- reaching out to be friendly and having them be able to hurt you again. For all you know your ‘friends’ are sitting there trying to figure out how to get out of this dinner! Of course they are. They’re probably texting each other like “omg can you believe this” You were good friends in the past. It isn’t like that anymore. You’ve spent a lot of time hurting over this already. Forget these girls. I don’t know why your husband is trying to interject himself into it anyway. He should be standing up for and by you. Tell them all to get bent. I agree with this. There is no way I would ever contact those women again and I bet they don't want you to either. Your husband should be on your side as it is obvious that those friends don't care for you. If you have the dinner I wouldn't ask them to RSVP and if they don't on their own accord just let them be and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkFlamingo Posted December 19, 2019 Share Posted December 19, 2019 (edited) 18 hours ago, CaraGrace said: I don't know now... I think I'm still recovering from wedding, and I don't know what I should do to maintain the friendship or just don't... I feel tired... I think I have written in another post about them, about how I am always the one to initiate conversations and meet ups, like birthday dinners, and I have even helped one of them buy birthday gifts for the other girl for 2 or 3 years in a roll, because she just kept forgetting or is always too busy to shop for gifts.. It's not like birthdays are a big deal but it's been the only reason we're meeting up like only 3 times a year and it's like the only way to maintain this friendship. For a while after the wedding I think they have taken more initiative to initiate conversations in our group chat. And they also replied timely when I said my husband and I wanted to treat them a dinner to thank them for their help on our wedding day (my husband said maybe they have done their best, and I thought maybe I was being too harsh on them, so even though I am still upset I think it's ok to treat them a thank you dinner, as courtesy or whatever). Then I asked them to suggest a date so that I could make reservation at the restaurant, and till now no reply or conclusion, again. I don't know why it is so hard to make a decision like this, and it's like the cycle is back and I will still be the one to initiate everything but then I would appear to be the person who talks or asks too much and then I am ignored.. I am so freaking tired of these.... They don't reply, because they don't want to. You're hanging on to people who don't care for you. Maybe because it feels like rejection and most of us don't deal well with that. But you're wasting your time with them, it's quite obvious to see for everyone. You reached out to them and they left you hanging. You've done enough. Mute the chat group and concentrate on the friends who do appreciate you. That's what I always tell myself, when people let me down. Edited December 19, 2019 by PinkFlamingo Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 19, 2019 Share Posted December 19, 2019 Why would you ask them to suggest a date for you and your husband to give your thank you dinner? That is up to you and your husband and has nothing to do with them. I still think you are trying your hardest to be accepted by these women and THEY DON'T CARE. You seem to refuse to let them go no matter how they treat you. I don't think you can blame your husband for staying in contact with these women. I think it is their rejection of you that is keeping you hooked. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 19, 2019 Share Posted December 19, 2019 Stop chasing them. When they want to spend time with you they will reach out. Until then you can relegate them to social media, birthdays & special occasions. Life takes people in different directions. None of my friends cared about my wedding. Yes it hurt but these women are amazing & they have been there for me in a million other ways. The reality is nobody cares about your wedding except you. If you want to pay it forward, next time somebody close to you gets married, do for her all the stuff that nobody did for you. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted December 19, 2019 Share Posted December 19, 2019 Do you have any other female friends or family members that might have some first-hand insight into the situation? This forum is great, but since we only get the story told from one point of view we are probably often missing some important information. From what you've posted, it seems that you are more invested in the relationships with these women than they are in you. If that's truly the case, then I would stop putting in all the effort, let them come to you. If they don't, then that tells you all you need to know. It's sad, but not uncommon, friendships change over time and sometimes don't last. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaraGrace Posted December 20, 2019 Author Share Posted December 20, 2019 Thanks everyone for your comments and suggestions. Re stillafool about why I asked them to suggest a date for the dinner, it's because firstly, this get-together was supposed to be my birthday dinner (my birthday was a day before my wedding but we didn't have the time to meet up because I was very busy preparing for wedding). One of them (the bridesmaid) brought it up first, but then because she has just moved to a new house with her husband (who was the best man on wedding), I suggested that we should have a gathering at her new home for house-warming. And then my husband and I had this idea of treating them a thank you dinner, so I asked them for a date when they can let us visit them at their new house, and then on the same day we shall have dinner together which will be our treat. We, including the maid of honor, have said that we shall meet after Christmas, but then there is no more updates. My husband urged me to confirm a date with them because he wants to make reservation at restaurant as early as possible. But I don't want to do that because I don't want to be the one to make decisions for everyone anymore. I think sometimes they think I'm bossy and pushy, and I think it's one of the reasons why they seldom respond to me regarding wedding when I was like making all the decisions and they must follow what I said because I was the bride, while in fact the reason why I shared information with them was to get their opinions and to know how they think about it so that I could make adjustments. Anyway, most of the time they're like waiting for me to make decisions, from when to meet up, to what food to order when we do meet up... But then sometimes they would act like they were forced to do what I asked them to do. Like when the food is not good, they would complain and said why didn't we eat elsewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaraGrace Posted December 20, 2019 Author Share Posted December 20, 2019 22 hours ago, d0nnivain said: Stop chasing them. When they want to spend time with you they will reach out. Until then you can relegate them to social media, birthdays & special occasions. Life takes people in different directions. None of my friends cared about my wedding. Yes it hurt but these women are amazing & they have been there for me in a million other ways. The reality is nobody cares about your wedding except you. If you want to pay it forward, next time somebody close to you gets married, do for her all the stuff that nobody did for you. I understand that nobody should care about my wedding except myself. But I'm not the kind of bride who thinks my wedding is all about myself. I spent so much time on their dresses, their looks, bought them their dresses, accessories etc.. (and at the same time my mother's, sister's and in-laws' dresses and makeup... and basically all the other things like transportation for everybody)... just that I felt so neglected when it came to my needs. I had expectation because bridesmaid has talked about how she was like the event coordinator when she was bridesmaid for her colleague who wasn't even a close friend. She said it like if it's not because she was in charge, the wedding could have been a disaster. And maid of honor cared so much about her friend, who was someone else's maid of honor, being upset about the dresses she was forced to wear, and who eventually just had a fight with the bride and didn't attend the wedding. At that time she cared so much about and felt so angry for her friend that she had to share and update the story with me on a day to day basis. She shared photos of the dress to me and asked me for comments, when she herself wasn't even invited to that wedding, and I myself didn't even know her friends. Honestly did I feel bored when she kept sharing details of that story with me? Yes indeed! Cos I had nothing to do with that wedding! But day after day, I listened, I commented, and mostly, just be angry with her and went along with her because I knew that's just what she needed. She didn't really need my comments, she only wanted somebody to listen and agreed with her, which I did. But I didn't get like 10% of her engagement on my wedding when she was the maid of honor herself. And yes, after what happened on me, I feel the need to help my other friends who are going to get married. Like last night, I was supposed to have dinner with a bride-to-be, but then she stood me up for somebody else. I just don't know what the hell is going on. I'm just so tired of friendships now. I don't need people to prioritize me but just show some respect. But no problem with guy friends at all. Just no more girl friends I guess. What the hell... Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaraGrace Posted December 20, 2019 Author Share Posted December 20, 2019 22 hours ago, Finding my way said: Do you have any other female friends or family members that might have some first-hand insight into the situation? This forum is great, but since we only get the story told from one point of view we are probably often missing some important information. From what you've posted, it seems that you are more invested in the relationships with these women than they are in you. If that's truly the case, then I would stop putting in all the effort, let them come to you. If they don't, then that tells you all you need to know. It's sad, but not uncommon, friendships change over time and sometimes don't last. Sadly my other females friends don't know these 2 friends of mine. My family members do know them, but just briefly. But I think no matter what, I live in my side of story and they in theirs, and so does everybody else. If there isn't even a way to talk or communicate, just like how not responsive they have been, there is no way for me to know if I'm missing something, or misunderstanding them. Maybe it's something that I did. If so I'd rather being told that they didn't want to be in my wedding or be friends anymore, then to still taking the roles of maid of honor and bridesmaid but being so out of reach. But yes, now I just sit back and stop initiating anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 CaraGrace, from reading this thread, it seems unlikely that your have done anything offensive. Your posts are quite reasonable and I'm sorry that people have decided to meet your kindness with contempt. You seem a very accommodating person, to your own peril. It's ok to disagree, kindly, with people. You are your own advocate and having an opinion is nothing to be ashamed of or be frightened for losing love. The people who truly care for you will be there and you don't need to bow to their whims in order to receive respect or love. It's a good idea to stop initiating. See who comes around when you stop trying, keep those people. Congratulations on your marriage, onward and upward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PinkFlamingo Posted December 21, 2019 Share Posted December 21, 2019 (edited) 9 hours ago, CaraGrace said: Anyway, most of the time they're like waiting for me to make decisions, from when to meet up, to what food to order when we do meet up... But then sometimes they would act like they were forced to do what I asked them to do. Like when the food is not good, they would complain and said why didn't we eat elsewhere. Dump them already... I know that kind of people, never making any suggestions or deciding anything, but then complaining that they don't like this and that instead of voicing their opinion clearly when they had the chance, but that would ruin the fun of taking not responsibility for the outcome and being passive-aggressive. You're starting to sound desperate for their approval. That's one reason why they don't respect you. The other is, that altogether they are not your good friends anymore. And regarding the bride-to-be. Dump her as well. People who don't respect your time when you are doing them a favor, should be ignored. Edited December 21, 2019 by PinkFlamingo 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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