Family flatmates

[Sarabi]

I want to know your thoughts...

 

I have a younger family member in his early twenties who was living and studying in a different city for around three years. Whenever anyone tried to keep in touch, he would respond infrequently or not at all. Never bothered with any of us. Even lost his phone a few times so keeping in touch was hard. I tried to contact him to visit him once when I was in his city for a weekend. My mum tried. No success.

Fast forward more than a year later, one night I get a notification on Facebook that he accepted my friend request then promptly get a call/voice message about how he had been out of university for several months, working part time and could he come and stay here with me as he was tired of staying with the friends.

As it is not technically my house, it is my mum’s, I said yes...because I know that she would be fine with this and I am somewhat in charge whilst she is away.

 

So he comes the following week...I think his parents found out everything after he arrived but it is ok, the parents are fairly affluent so can cope with most things and were probably happy to hear he was with a family member. They also hoped I could encourage him to be responsible and make better choices.

Something I found unusual but perhaps very telling was his mum saying to me that if I get tired or if it all gets too much, let them know because they understand how flatmate situations can be and it is not always easy.

 

A couple of months later, I am realising that now we have a problem.

First of all, I guess he is expecting to stay here indefinitely, there is no timeline. Whilst he is not a terrible person, I cannot be bothered with this unannounced housemate situation, however, I can move if I really can’t be bothered.

He works VERY part time, if he needs money he calls the parents and they give it. One day he left the house to buy work shoes and came back with shoes and a game console. Lately bought himself a small TV. Ok, if you are trying to get comfortable, I don’t have an issue but you are using your parents money and not working...so no motivation to be responsible for yourself if you never have to be. Also the amount of time he has spent inside lately suggests to me that his hours have been cut. He went to a job late once so I suspect they are giving him fewer shifts.

 

Not a big deal if they don’t think it is, however, he has an issue with buying excesses of food. Seriously. Something can already be there in the fridge and then he will buy various duplicates without using whatever is left so there is a lot of wastage. He also buys a lot of junk food and takeaways.

He smokes but seems to smoke outside so no big deal. However, like a typical student or someone who doesn’t have to work for anything, he always leaves lights on and doors open so the house is always cold and wastes energy. Kitchen is always oily and greasy and slippery because he fries everything and the oil is everywhere. Doesn’t take bins out, doesn’t help with chores, washes dishes in a nonsense way so that everything ‘clean’ is still actually dirty/greasy/covered in food, so whilst he is nice, he is just a typical spoiled, pampered young person.

My parents hoped that by asking for rent, it may encourage him to be responsible but I told them he lives on the bank of mum and dad so it is absolutely pointless.

 

His idea is to go to university next year (September 2020) but seems all over the place and is also applying for apprenticeships and full time jobs. Initially he had various universities lined up for one course he was particularly interested in but now, he wishes to apply to four different courses at the same university. As for full time work, if a job is in his opinion too far to travel to, he won’t consider it (he is used to being driven everywhere but he has no driving licence and is probably too lazy to take more than one bus journey). He had an interview somewhere and told them he was going on holiday so I guess they wouldn’t hire him. Now I realise, if he has been out of study for almost a year and the parents support him, there is no motivation to work full time.

I overheard a phone conversation about him hoping to get into online trading (gambling I guess) using some app. So get rich quick schemes...

 

He takes things in the house without asking, including my food and does not replace it (I asked several times already and I find it ironic that he has a lot of his own food that goes bad but he eats mine). Has lost a house key and not yet replaced it.

 

Then, this week I discovered something interesting. Another friend came to visit him and they went outside. When they came back in there was a faint smell of that funky tobacco people call Mary Jane. I immediately asked outright if he had been smoking it and he denied it and said no. When he went upstairs, five minutes later. Smell of cheap body spray(like lynx) came wafting down the stairs...as if to mask a smell. I cornered the friend when he was alone and asked what he was smoking. He is younger and said he can’t be sure but he ‘thinks’ it was only a cigarette. The following day he went out for a few minutes and I took the opportunity to go and look. The top drawer contained empty cigarette boxes, crumbs of tobacco(or Mary Jane) and a little ziploc bag similar to those people get narcotics in.

Took a photo and sent it to my parents to say that I believe there is a problem in their house.

I chose to say nothing to him yet because he already denied it the other day, I hope to gather more evidence, however, I think it is not good for him to be in another country and wasting his parents time and money. They are also enablers though in a sense.

I suspect the friends he lived with previously got tired of him and maybe asked him to leave. I think he should go home because even though he is family, I am not prepared to put up with this. Also I doubt he will be able to contribute properly to rent and bills if he has another habit to support and why should he be here using energy and not paying for it?

The parents are reformed sinners and are quite religious (lol Witnesses) so they may be very disappointed to find all this out. I have a sneaking suspicion that they know his behaviour but are turning a blind eye or hoping someone else can help.

 

Thoughts?

[preraph]

Since he's living off the parents, I would tell them what he buys with their money, including the weed and game console. I think his parents should make him finalize a school plan. You don't need to be responsible for that. You might tell them and then him that if he's going to live there, he needs to have a full-time job so he's not underfoot all the time. He needs to get busy because right now he's headed for the Austin slacker lifestyle (laying around playing games and smoking pot). You need to let him know this isn't his crash pad, that he needs a full-time job pronto and not to be laying around idle there.

[schlumpy]

Yeah, he needs a load bricks dropped on him.

 

If his parents are affluent talk to them about sending him to a facility where he can get some counseling and rehab. There is no sense in you being the bad guy here. It's time he developed some personal responsibility.

 

After the counseling he must be forced to make some choices and leave high school behavior behind.

 

This shouldn't be your problem unless you are looking for a project to tackle.

[ajequals]

Kick this freeloader out and send his parents the bill for expenses ..why does this generation think this is ok? it's NOT

[Sarabi]

Thank you for your thoughts and advice. I will apply as much as I can over the next few days;)

He came and mentioned that next week, he is going home for a couple of weeks.

Prime time for me to tell the parents where the money goes and they can decide if they really want to put him on the plane back.

[preraph]

Perfect time to change the locks.

[d0nnivain]

Type up a list of house rules & have him sign them, sending a copy to the parents:

 

1. No leaving lights on

 

2. No MJ in the house

 

3. Smoking tobacco must be outside

 

4. Kitchen & other common areas must be cleaned

 

5. Whatever the guest policy is

 

Charge him rent. The combo should convince him to stay with parents & not come back.

[Sarabi]

Perfect time to change the locks.

 

:D my mum actually suggested this

[Sarabi]

Type up a list of house rules & have him sign them, sending a copy to the parents:

 

1. No leaving lights on

 

2. No MJ in the house

 

3. Smoking tobacco must be outside

 

4. Kitchen & other common areas must be cleaned

 

5. Whatever the guest policy is

 

Charge him rent. The combo should convince him to stay with parents & not come back.

 

This is a really good idea, thank you D0nnivain

 

I am tired of telling him the same things until I am blue in the face, so, I tend to then mess with his comfort if he refuses to listen . For example, the lights were left on downstairs the other day and he was in his room upstairs, so I switched off the upstairs lights and sockets at the fuse box

Actually to counteract the excessive bills due to power being wasted, I would simply tell him he is paying more when it arrives. Being as my mum would inform me first e.g. if the bill is £100, I would make him pay £65 and just tell him his portion of the bill is £65. A premium for wastage.

 

I told his parents that they need to cut back on the amount they send him and motivate him to work full time, otherwise he has no motivation to work.

Turns out they only bought a one way ticket...so watch this space.

[d0nnivain]

Turns out they only bought a one way ticket...so watch this space.

 

They only bought him a ticket to go home not to return to your flat? That may be great for you!

 

However, will he be leaving stuff at your place that you are then going to be responsible for getting back to him? The cost of shipping may be a small price to pay to get him out of your house.

 

Once you find out he's not coming back do change the locks.