Ghosted by friend of 10 years. What do I do?

[Shindig]

A year ago I was checking in with a friend of mine who had just started grad school. She told me she had PTSD because of one of her teachers and I asked her if she'd tried group therapy, that I'd found it very helpful for coping with all those icky feelings that kept bubbling up after I'd been diagnosed with PTSD. She explained that she was exaggerating and I apologized and explained that I found it confusing that she used a diagnosis to describe her semester. She's studying journalism and I had the sense she was feeling hurt, so I told her "trepidation" was an excellent 50 cent word to add to her repertoire. We laughed it off and the conversation wandered to another topic.

 

I still had the sense she was upset with me, so I waited a couple of days and checked in again. I asked if we were ok and that I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable. She said we were OK.

 

Interestingly, she apologized to me the next day for trivializing PTSD. I told her not to worry about it and I understood that people tend to use diagnoses casually and told her she had great power as someone who wanted to write for a living to direct the evolution of language.

 

I kept checking in with her over the course of the next 9 months, just words of encouragement about grad school, hopes that she was doing well and all without any response from her. When I saw her in person, she was all smiles and warm greetings. I wondered if she was icing me, but even though my gut instincts are usually spot on, I was trying to rationalize it that my brain was just taking it to a dark place and she was just busy - I know I dropped nearly everything for grad school.

 

Finally, months later, she messages to say she doesn't feel safe around me anymore because I called her ableist. I write a lengthy apology - I felt bewildered because I don't quite understand how she made the leap from our conversation to ableism, but I tried to write something that owned my behavior and words and connected them to her feelings and offered an apology. I also added that I was sad that she'd been stewing for all those months and I would have reached out sooner had I known. I said that all that rumination probably didn't help things and I didn't expect her to want to talk straight away, but that I wanted to listen when she was ready.

 

Next I start hearing from her brother and other mutual friends that she's upset with me because I never apologized. I took a look and she indeed never opened my message, so I sent a couple of texts, called twice (no answer) and left 2 voice mails and even sent a couple of post cards over the past 2 months. I'm worried anything more might make her feel cornered or pressured.

 

I know I can't demand an apology; it's a journey only she can make and I said as much. I'm struggling with how she's portraying what happened to mutual friends. Most of them are familiar with her stubbornness in these kinds of situations and her brother is worried about her mental health as of late - she asked him not to invite me to his birthday party even though he was the one who introduced us. The last time I went out for dinner with her parents and siblings, she didn't join us. I've worked on projects with her now boyfriend in the past and I realize he's in this awkward spot where she's probably also asking him not to include me. A colleague for that project noticed what was going on and said he wouldn't stay on if there was no buffer between personal and professional and no conflict resolution. He suggested a sort of informal counseling and I'm fine with that, but she's still stonewalling. It's a project that I enjoy and I'm really good at my job, so now I'm losing a friend AND this work that also enriches me.

 

I did manage to have one chat with her boyfriend about it and he suggested she might talk to me on the phone, but so far she hasn't responded to my 2 voicemails or answered either of my calls. Now he's not responding to messages either.

 

It's a mess. Any words of advice? Would it be too much if I spoofed a number so she can't screen my call?

[d0nnivain]

You two had a disagreement/ misunderstanding. You have tried to be a good friend but she just stewed & didn't communicate. Now she's bad mouthing you to others.

 

If pressed by the others I'd say we had a misunderstanding which I tried to remedy by owning my part of it. Instead of communicating with me, she blew me off which is fine but stop acting like I'm the bad guy here. If she wants to talk to me, I have repeatedly told her my door is open. I have called, texted & sent postcards. Instead of talking she slams the door in my face. Do everybody a favor & get out of the middle of my relationship with her. I appreciate you playing peacemaker here but as far as I'm concerned I can't do anything else if she won't talk to me directly.

 

She sounds like a drama queen. Understand her siblings, parents & BF are going to pick her side. Don't expect anything else. Just let these friendships fade.

[stillafool]

There's nothing you can do but move on. She is making it clear she has no interest in talking to you or ever seeing you again. I wouldn't reach out to her again if I were you.

[preraph]

She is the one who made the faux pas using "PTSD" frivilously. I guess she didn't know you had PTSD? So I think initially she was mad you thought there was something mental wrong with her, which means she is overly dramatic. She's the one who started all that.

 

Then she acknowledged her part in it at least. But then she went back to being insulted for no good reason.

 

I agree with this other poster that she is full of drama. I think she felt more awkwardness about it than you did and in some twisted way of thinking, blamed YOU for that.

 

I say: Oh, well. Kiss kiss hug hug when you see her, but stop trying to be buds with her.

[The Outlaw]

Just leave her alone. She's made it abundantly clear she wants nothing to do with you given how she's ignored any attempt to contact her. If mutual friends know what she's like, I'd wager you really don't have anything to worry about. Just move on with your life the best you can without her. She's said more about herself to you without speaking a single word.

[schlumpy]

Is there no one in the current generation with a sense of humor? Does every flippant remark have to end with a deep emotionally gapping wound that must be fussed over and tended to by the supposed offending party?

 

I refuse to believe that she's telling you the truth. There's another reason but I wouldn't pursue it to find out. It and she is not worth it.

[Shindig]

I refuse to believe that she's telling you the truth. There's another reason

 

I had that feeling as well. Now I'm learning she's blaming a music festival we went to about a month before that for the decline of our friendship - everyone we met there said they thought we were tight. It was hectic, but there was no conflict... just music and laughter and good times. Like Judge Judy says, "If it doesn't make sense, it's not true."

 

Like d0nnivain says, I've done the most I can and I hate that you folks are right. I should invest my time in the people in my life who want to learn and grow from conflict and aren't afraid to have hard conversations about what makes people feel safe and welcome.

 

Thanks, people.

[basil67]

I'd lay money that you're not the first person she's had such a falling out with. Some people just see themselves as victims to everyone and everything and are unable to take personal responsibility for their contribution to what went wrong. The fact that she said she has PTSD indicates a kind of histrionic mindset.

 

Would this be a fair description of how she's treated other friends in the 10 years you've known her?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Is there no one in the current generation with a sense of humor? Does every flippant remark have to end with a deep emotionally gapping wound that must be fussed over and tended to by the supposed offending party?

 

I refuse to believe that she's telling you the truth. There's another reason but I wouldn't pursue it to find out. It and she is not worth it.

 

I agree. I had to look up what ableism even is.

[Shindig]

I'd lay money that you're not the first person she's had such a falling out with. Some people just see themselves as victims to everyone and everything and are unable to take personal responsibility for their contribution to what went wrong. The fact that she said she has PTSD indicates a kind of histrionic mindset.

 

Would this be a fair description of how she's treated other friends in the 10 years you've known her?

 

I've watched her do this to people over the years including myself, but this is the first time I've experienced this extent of avoidant behavior. Usually she'd lay low for a day or 2 and then return as though nothing had happened. I think she uses superlative language like "PTSD" instead of saying X was "stressful" because she feels invalidated as a matter of course and subconsciously places medical terms in the realm of "real" as opposed to being nebulous like "feelings". Does that make sense?

[basil67]

CO, The term ‘ableism’ is well known to those of us who are familiar with disability rights.

 

Shindig, she sounds like a drama queen. Not sure the friendship is one worth saving.

Edited November 26, 2019 by basil67

[stillafool]

I've watched her do this to people over the years including myself, but this is the first time I've experienced this extent of avoidant behavior.

 

Well if you know this is her MO I would drop her like a hot coal and never look back. Don't let her know it bothers you as there is no reason to feed the monkey in the cage. If I saw her again I'd walk past her as if she wasn't even there.

[PinkFlamingo]

On 11/26/2019 at 3:21 AM, Shindig said:

 

I've watched her do this to people over the years including myself, but this is the first time I've experienced this extent of avoidant behavior. Usually she'd lay low for a day or 2 and then return as though nothing had happened. I think she uses superlative language like "PTSD" instead of saying X was "stressful" because she feels invalidated as a matter of course and subconsciously places medical terms in the realm of "real" as opposed to being nebulous like "feelings". Does that make sense?

 

Some people are not able to take criticism well and they see it as an attack on their whole being. They will also never ever offer any words of regret that might indicate that they were wrong.
 

Also, I try to stay away from people who use psychological terms to describe themselves and other people without a proper diagnosis (although, this one guy I knew, I just want to describe him as narcissistic, but that would go against my own rule, but really, the combination of manipulation and ignorant cruelty was ghastly).