A different perspective on searching

[ZA Dater]

I have had an interesting few weeks, one of the things I have been doing is thinking about the advice given here, re reading a few thread and actually taking the advice and looking at how I could apply it practically.

 

One of the things I have found is thanks to better pictures I have had some reasonable Tinder interest but the next thing will shock you, I actually have come to terms with the dating game, the way things work and instead of trying to work against what I don't agree with I am trying to work with it.

 

Another important thing I found, true happiness comes from within, people don't make you happy, you can choose to he happy, choose to feel good, choose to be positive, you choose how much life affects you and how you react to those things.

 

For years I felt the lack of a girlfriend was eating at me, it created this very negative space, I felt bad about by myself until I realise why do I let people have so much power over me? So what if I haven't dated, does it affect my ability to enjoy a good sunset, a great cycle, blasting over a mountain pass. Not really. I realised being single doesn't define me as a person.

 

Sure, I have been chatting to some of these ladies. BUT I am not desperate, I am not texting them every so often, they must text me if they want to chat and this has had some success. I am also selling myself from the point of view of again not being desperate, one wanted to meet up but it didn't suit me so I told her that, rather than bend over backwards.

 

I realised I don't really need dating which lifted the pressure off my shoulders, I used to feel this dread of being alone but I then spent some time with terminally ill kids and realised they only live from day to day, they don't plan for years later so I started to think like them and live each day the best way I can.

 

While I was doing some introspection I also realised I am simply fussy about what I like which is ok, I also realised the more unlikely the more I want, so that lady who is over eager to meet holds less appeal than the one who is unlikely to meet me.

 

I also realised the only real restrictions we place on our ability to date are ones create by ourselves. Each day I am working out more than ever, getting into good shape for no reason other than I want to feel good.

 

Maybe the key to searching and dating lies in our ability to find confidence and internal happiness because just maybe those things reflect in the way we present ourselves. I wont lie I don't have super levels of confidence but I am confident in who I am.

 

Dating doesn't consume me anymore, its a big world out there, smiling at someone can make me happy but the biggest difference for me is removing this "she isn't in my league" nonsense. Why wouldn't she be, I am moderately successful, fairly athletic, done the hard knocks method of life, can talk on a variety of topics so I am trying to carry confidence from that.

 

It might sound weird but when I look now I am convinced most of the issues I have were self created and MOST of not ALL revolved in me not taking a step back and not being consumed. In my mind I can chase anyone within reason and why shouldn't I?

 

I'll go on dates, I'll be the best me I can but if they don't like that, then so be it, the sun will rise the next day and life will hopefully go on, why get upset about something I had very little control over. In my mind I am chasing the exceptional and in some respects I have experienced exceptional so I will know when I find it again.

 

My advice is find confidence somehow but NEVER let people take this confidence away from you, if you rejected so be it, you can try again or simply just move on.

 

Don't dismiss friends, perhaps the best thing from a dating point of view was to befriend someone I really liked and walk through the emotions as my view of her changed from someone I wanted to date, to someone I confide in and see as a really good friend, she has done more for me than any date.

 

Its not all hopelessness.

[some_username1]

*faints*

 

This is quite literally what I and many others have been trying to tell you for aaaages. Maybe you have finally grown up (not an insult), as you need a certain maturity to see the bigger picture- that even in rejection you still have a choice how you deal with it and whether you let it affect your life and your own happiness or whether you live life on your own terms for yourself and not to sit around pining for women who want nothing to do with you. I had to get the wrong side of the 35 before I figured all this out and realised that I had wasted my youth being miserable and angry at women who could have cared less. Not only was I hurting myself I was hurting my chances of getting the life I wanted through my negativity.

 

So good for you, the challenge is maintaining that- you will find if you go a week or two without some sort of momentous event to justify your new attitude you will want to give up but you have to see it as a new mindset that may not change anything in the world around you, it just makes being who you are a happier experience every day.

Edited November 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Quoting etiquette

[Garcon1986]

I got so many white hairs yelling at you all those months back, I am glad to see that you have finally absorbed some of our advice. My wrinkles were not for naught. Those white hairs were not created in vain.

[alphamale]

i'm glad you're becoming more introspective and moving down the right path ZA

[lonelyplanetmoon]

ZA

I stopped reading or responding to your posts a while ago because you just kept chasing your tail even though you had so many great replies etc.

Congrats for turning a page. Maybe the advice just needed time to sink in.

Your post shows people CAN change. But change has to come from within.

Pretty awesome post!

[NuevoYorko]

Brah! You got woke! Way to go, it's going to be a lot better with this outlook.

[ZA Dater]

Ultimately how we search is a function of how we think and how we see ourselves, I have struggled to find that balance and I am working hard to gain more confidence but for me the thing I realised most was that it was me who had control over how certain things made me feel, what is the point of being rejected and feeling badly about it, the only person who suffers is me so why do that.

 

Look I am realistic when I consider the significant things women wont like about me but so what, I can try balance those out with hopefully things they may like, whilst not feeling like I have sold out the core person I am.

 

Desperation is never a good thing either, it clouds the mind in a way which isn't helpful at all and in retrospect I think I could have done a lot better at dates if I had tried a more "well this me is" approach as opposed to crafting what I thought she actually wanted to hear.

 

The key for me so far is to do things I like and be thankful for what I have. Being content comes from within, yes I believe the right person can enhance that but while looking you may as well be positive!

Edited November 26, 2019 by ZA Dater

[Envy123]

For me, romance happened more often when I thought there was no chance and just let everything be, rather than thinking I have a great shot and end up acting needy.

 

So, you're right on point.

[normal person]

Very nice to read this and I'm genuinely happy for you, however, I'll disagree with you a bit on this point:

 

Another important thing I found, true happiness comes from within, people don't make you happy,

 

Really? I don't think I'd be very happy if I couldn't see my friends, or family, or help people, or contribute to my community, or tell people they're appreciated when they do something good, and hope that that attitude is continued and paid forward, etc. I think those things are some of the greatest joys in life. Not all people will make you happy, but surely the ones you like will, right?

 

If you're in a position to be completely happy independently of others, I'd say you're probably living a much different life than mine, but if it works for you, go for it.

 

you can choose to he happy, choose to feel good, choose to be positive, you choose how much life affects you and how you react to those things.

 

I'm not sure I'm in 100% agreement with this either. I feel like you can choose to try these things, or be open to change or stepping out of your comfort zone, which might be the first step towards making positive changes that might make you happy, but I'm not sure how many people can just flip a switch and "decide" that everything's fine. If you can, bravo. But if you can't, I suspect this thread of yours might need an addendum eventually.

 

Anyways, congratulations on making some changes and good luck going forward.

[ZA Dater]

Does this mean the next time your buddy says "Hey ZA come out with me and a bunch of girls", you'll do it rather than sit home alone out of fear? And you'll approach a random woman on the street and try to strike up conversation that might end with getting her number? If not, why not? If you get rejected so be it.

 

I'd probably consider it yes, providing it wasn't a club or a trance party. Neither venue holds much interest for me so I can choose not to go to either.

 

Will I approach random people, probably not unless I can determine with some degree of certainty they are not married. Again its a choice I choose to make.

[chillii]

That ones easy , you just chat a bit first and ask her, you've put nothing on the line she doesn't even know your interested for sure at that stage.

lf she doesn't just tell you anyway , which they will usually tell you if they are married, just encase.

l've had dozens of women ask me if l'm married, can never work out why this stuff is such a problem for the guys round here and l've asked myself , it's just typical convo really.

Edited November 27, 2019 by chillii

[ZA Dater]

Very nice to read this and I'm genuinely happy for you, however, I'll disagree with you a bit on this point:

 

Really? I don't think I'd be very happy if I couldn't see my friends, or family, or help people, or contribute to my community, or tell people they're appreciated when they do something good, and hope that that attitude is continued and paid forward, etc. I think those things are some of the greatest joys in life. Not all people will make you happy, but surely the ones you like will, right?

 

If you're in a position to be completely happy independently of others, I'd say you're probably living a much different life than mine, but if it works for you, go for it.

 

My point is we cannot tie our ultimate happiness to our ability to date or not. Sure I agree with you, I like spending time with people in the club I run, I enjoy going early morning breakfast drives with like minded car guys. I enjoy those things but I have moved past the point of "well I cant go to that event because I don't have a date".

 

I have always enjoyed challenges so fortunately or unfortunately depending on your point of view I tend to find the more challenging dating ideas the more appealing, which inevitably leads to greater rejection. The thing is I am not going to let rejection consume me but rather focus on the challenge even if the ultimate result is negative.

 

For too long I forgot this, caught up in this cycle of date=rejection=feel terrible to the point I was actually going on dates with people who didn't really offer the challenge I wanted. My other point is we either let negativity consume us or we take the lesson and move on.

 

I just feel better about my image now, sure the awkward things remain, I still don't really fit with anyone really but I cant let these things bother me to the point of loosing focus on what I like.

 

Life is more than chasing a date.

[ZA Dater]

Sometimes I have to laugh at myself, usually after I have missed a great opportunity. Like when I very pretty lady asked me this morning if I knew of a great coffee shop....she had come from a model audition. Idiotic me....sends her on her way in the direction of a coffee shop.

 

Opportunity missed.

 

Life goes on.

[Envy123]

I had an opportunity missed too, but looking at her bitter attitude, it was probably for the best.

 

So, I tried to connect with my ex-coworker on Instagram but she rejected my request to follow her, stating that she "tried so hard to signal it all to me" and she's now specifically ignoring me because of it.

 

Good riddance to her. I blocked her and I'm never going to speak to her ever again.

 

I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than to be with someone as negative as her for a single second.

Edited December 3, 2019 by Envy123

[ZA Dater]

Have to say this approach has resulted in far more inner peace. There has been some interest but nothing that I actually am interested in, people around me say I am more at peace now and I guess I am. I don't like to use the word "accept" but I think a lot of me has accepted my lot when it comes to dating but also I realised how to some extent it worked, a foray into alternative dating basically proved to myself my theory was mostly correct which again gave me more peace.

 

I wont stop wanting some company but perhaps I have become more pragmatic about the whole thing, yes when it sort of works it seems to work very nicely but talking to people it would seem this is quite rare, so for the time being I am not seeing a huge amount of benefit in dating.

 

Maybe I will try find some sort of summer holiday date or something, even a friend.