vla1120 Posted November 25, 2019 Share Posted November 25, 2019 I think I am one of those people who tries to relate to a situation when someone is telling a story or asking for advice, and I almost always end up mentioning something similar that has happened in my life. I don't mean to make it about me. I just think it is a way to relate to the other person and perhaps share what happened in my experience. I just found myself doing it five minutes ago when posting a reply on a thread. So where is the line between this being a possibly helpful approach when giving advice, and giving the annoy appearance of making everything about oneself? I really am curious. Meanwhile, I did some research and found that, while some appreciate hearing how things turned out for the "relater", they want the quick version - this is what happened, this is how I handled it, this was the result. I am, as always, a work in progress. Link to post Share on other sites
K.K. Posted November 25, 2019 Share Posted November 25, 2019 Great question! I wonder about this often. If somebody was telling you a story about their parent having dementia for example, say they’re visibly upset. You happen to know firsthand about dementia because you’re going through the exact same thing. You can relate so much to their story. You feel their pain. Then as soon as it pops out of your mouth that you understand what they’re going through because your own parent has it as well, they skip right over that because I guess they are just about them at that moment and don’t give a damn what your situation is (?) even though you could possibly help and be supportive. So what starts as this need to relate and be compassionate turns into something awkward. I hate this! Sometimes I’ll see on Facebook or something how somebody’s dog died. So everyone is saying I’m sorry and rip. **** like that. Then here comes the person saying “I know how you feel, I just lost my poor fluffy two days ago”. I find myself thinking jeeze lady this isn’t about fluffy! Stop making it about you! But she was doing the same thing that I said above - just trying to show compassion that she knew how the other lady must feel. So what’s the answer to this slippery slope?? If you figure it out, let me know. See now I feel like I’m making your post about me. ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author vla1120 Posted November 25, 2019 Author Share Posted November 25, 2019 @K.K. You made me laugh out loud! There are certain times I absolutely will not share my experiences - like when it has to do with losing a pet or family member, or going through an illness, especially cancer. In those instances, I think it is very important to respect that person's right to have that moment/experience to themselves by not "stealing their thunder" and imparting my knowledge or experience. It is a slippery slope, though. If I am, however, sitting in a cancer support group, then I will talk because that is what we're all there for - to understand that we're not alone. Maybe that's the biggest reason I relay experiences, so the other person knows they're not alone, depending on the situation. You're right. It's a slippery slope. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 25, 2019 Share Posted November 25, 2019 I do that ALL the time. I read somewhere it's actually a facet of my narcissism. I do have some narcissism on the scale from low to high, but not enough to be real bad, but this is something I can totally see. I have to be able to apply my experience to something sometimes to be able to empathize and understand. It's not extreme. Like, of course, I can empathize the common things. But I can empathize a lot more when I have experience in it. It can certainly annoy certain people. I haven't run into that as a problem much, but I can see how it would. I do it right here on LS. I share my story in hopes whatever I did about that will help the person or make them feel not alone at least. But of course, some people could be irritated by it, especially if they are very me, me, me themselves! As with everything, just be aware, now you know you do it, and try not to carry it too far and always wrap it back around to the person and don't just stay on your situation. Maybe make a rule to always circle back to the person at hand and ask a couple follow-up questions. Even if they were annoyed, giving them that interest will make them forget about it. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted November 25, 2019 Share Posted November 25, 2019 (edited) Ha , got a bad habit of doing that one myself. But it's not making it about me it's actually trying to show an example r something as ya say. But l really don't like doing it none the less and dragging up pieces of my world or past , just in trying to explain something. So lately l'm really trying to just answer or give thoughts on the whatever the sitch happens to be, rather than drag any of my bs into it. l notice some people are really good at that and l'm much more comfortable going that way myself too. And l'm realizing there's usually not really any need to drag myself into it anyway. Edited November 25, 2019 by chillii 1 Link to post Share on other sites
K.K. Posted November 25, 2019 Share Posted November 25, 2019 Maybe if we waited until the end of their story and then conveyed to them that we have been through something similar if they want to talk about it. That way they could finish their story and still may be comforted that we are there to talk to and have been through the same? Kind of privately like. Wonder if that would work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 25, 2019 Share Posted November 25, 2019 I think the line is between expressing that I understand through experience but not sharing a whole heap about it so that the conversation becomes about me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted November 25, 2019 Share Posted November 25, 2019 If you had a comparable problem, then you can share the pros and cons of the decision you made. At that point, the person can decide if your experience was similar enough to value your advice. I think by sharing your story, you want that person to avoid any potential mistakes that you've already learned. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted November 26, 2019 Share Posted November 26, 2019 I think it depends on what the person is looking for. A lot of times they just want a sympathetic ear to listen to their tale of woe. It's amazing how so many people are running around out there, just looking for someone to LISTEN to them. Nobody LISTENS anymore, seems like. Seems like they're hell-bent on telling their own story. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted November 26, 2019 Share Posted November 26, 2019 I think it depends on what the person is looking for. A lot of times they just want a sympathetic ear to listen to their tale of woe. You are 100% right!! One lesson I had to learn was when a woman tells you about a problem or issue she is having. She doesn't always want you to attempt to fix it, sometimes she wants you just to listen. Sometimes I will say to my girlfriend... Is this one of those times you just want me to listen or do you want me to fix it. I've learned that when I'm confused as to what to do, I should ask. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted November 26, 2019 Share Posted November 26, 2019 Yeah that's the thing , l don't wanna tell my story or talk about my stuff anyway, not unless it's the present. l often just find it hard to explain what l'm thinking without it , but l'm working on that. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted November 26, 2019 Share Posted November 26, 2019 (edited) what i know from experience and attending group therapy ...that baring ones own trials is a form of bonding...of developing an understanding and wanting another to feel supported ..its allowing yourself to be vulnerable and open to encourage vulnerability and openness in others...... to then offer advice that doesnt come from a manual or books but from experience and the pain associated with that experience...its not about you and your story its about allowing another to feel connected to you and to feel empathy not sympathy both ways... its a palpable feeling...if there were a phrase called visceral emotiveness that would be the feeling shared i feel when you share an experience that was painful or hard to deal with...when you do things with an open heart and the very best of intentions......not everybody is going to get that.....and some take good intentions dark side...however....doesnt mean that you should stop doing what you are doing because someone gets annoyed i would also like to feel the trials i have faced can be turned good by helping another not have to struggle alone with theirs... turn bad into good that way... because there maybe just one person you help in a hundred to make their life a little easier through telling your own story....that one persons ease of mind.......makes 99 annoyed people....inconsequential..... i know now i probably annoy people on here but...i will continue....unless i offend someone then i apologise.....just like my mum....runs in the family..hopefully my daughters will do the same.....god knows we have had a lot of group therapy to share......deb Edited November 26, 2019 by todreaminblue Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyM Posted November 27, 2019 Share Posted November 27, 2019 It is only really useful if your situation or anecdote is very alike to the speaker. Very very similar, otherwise it looks like you are changing the subject and are not listening carefully. If there is one big difference, then it is merely a weak analogy and does not help the speaker feel any better. Some people do not want to hear your story. Ask: would you like to hear what happened to me once? Link to post Share on other sites
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