I’m a mess

[jess060191]

Hi everyone.

 

It’s been awhile since I posted on here... I sort of became involved with my ex again last month. We hooked up and as you can predict he slowly stopped talking to me. Now I hear from him every now and then. I am assuming he is entertaining a couple of new women. I confronted him about this and he responded with saying that it is not my problem but to answer my question he is not dating anyone or seeing anyone, he does not want to date anyone at the moment.

 

So yesterday I noticed that one of the girls I think he is entertaining became friends with his mother on Facebook. I met this girl while we were together and he always said she was just a friend. I completely spiraled when I saw this girl being Facebook friends with his mother. I am trying to reassure myself that it’s cause they are close friends. Especially since on Saturday night he reached out to me and I asked if he was reaching out to me because he missed me which he responded to with yes and sent me a shirtless mirror photo. I’ve been a mess since and have not stopped crying.

 

I promised myself I will cut him off for good in 2020 but that seems so far away.

[mark clemson]

It sounds like he's multidating, lying about it to you, and having you be one of his gals to multidate. I could certainly be wrong about that.

 

You need to decide what you want and move forward based on that.

 

If you want him monogamously, you need to talk to him and express that. If he says no, then you have to walk away. Caving and being a FWB whenever he contacts you just strings you along while you don't get what you want.

 

If you really want to be done/over him, then start now or ASAP per your emotional state. Stay away from him, look for new partners (or progress with your life in whatever way makes sense) and eventually block him completely, etc.

 

There's only one way to go in life, which is forward. Dwelling on things just holds you back. It's easier said that done, esp. as it's clearly distressing you, but you need to make a firm decision.

 

What is it that YOU want out of the situation?

[vla1120]

Do not wait until 2020 to be done with him. You would be far better off being done with him right now. You should also be done with his family members (I don't know the history there, but if it is going to cause you grief, it's better to cut all of the contact.)

 

In a previous post, you said that he only used you. It looks to me like he keeps getting back in contact with you to keep you in his back pocket for when he might need to use you again. Has he been asking you for money or favors?

 

Bottom line - if you think enough of yourself not to allow yourself to be used, the rest will take care of itself, including the crying and grief. You'll realize you deserve so much better than him and you will bid him good riddance without looking back. Do that for YOU.

[Soak]

Hi,

 

I had a look at your other threads and it seems like this has been on on-off thing for you. I don't see this getting any better i'm afraid. He is using you for attention, or until somebody 'better' comes along.

 

A 'shirtless mirror pic'.. Sounds like a narcissist or that he has low self esteem and needs to string people along in order to feel validated. This is not a good catch.

 

If i were you, i would cut him off immediately. Remove all contact from him.

Edited November 25, 2019 by Soak

[jess060191]

Do not wait until 2020 to be done with him. You would be far better off being done with him right now. You should also be done with his family members (I don't know the history there, but if it is going to cause you grief, it's better to cut all of the contact.)

 

In a previous post, you said that he only used you. It looks to me like he keeps getting back in contact with you to keep you in his back pocket for when he might need to use you again. Has he been asking you for money or favors?

 

Bottom line - if you think enough of yourself not to allow yourself to be used, the rest will take care of itself, including the crying and grief. You'll realize you deserve so much better than him and you will bid him good riddance without looking back. Do that for YOU.

 

He shockingly has not asked me for money or favors and I believe the only reason for that is because he currently has a good job. What he does now is if he realizes I ignored his last message he will send the “.......” message until I respond. And if and when I do respond he will ignore me and respond to me hours/days later. I feel like he does this to just make sure he still has access to me.

[jess060191]

Hi,

 

I had a look at your other threads and it seems like this has been on on-off thing for you. I don't see this getting any better i'm afraid. He is using you for attention, or until somebody 'better' comes along.

 

A 'shirtless mirror pic'.. Sounds like a narcissist or that he has low self esteem and needs to string people along in order to feel validated. This is not a good catch.

 

If i were you, i would cut him off immediately. Remove all contact from him.

 

I know he’s talking to other women I mean while we were together I used to catch him talking to women all the time so I can just imagine now... if he is seeing this new woman I wonder how she would feel knowing he is sending his ex half naked photos and saying he misses her. I’m more anxious and worried about if he does get a gf and what my reaction will be. I think I would be crushed for good...

[Soak]

ithe “.......” message until I respond.

 

What is the "..." message? Why do you bother responding when you know what he is up to? You know he's doing it to keep you on the line, yet you keep taking the bait.

[Mr. Lucky]

I’ve been a mess since and have not stopped crying.

 

jess060191, this has nothing to do with him.

 

As usual with many threads here, this is all about you and the boundaries you need for emotional health and happiness.

 

When we have people in our lives who bring us drama, pain and turmoil, it's useless to spend times wondering why they do what they do. Figuring out the implications of his mother's Facebook friends is taking this to a whole new level.

 

The only recourse we have is to control their access to us, both physically and online. What you're doing now by talking to him and monitoring his activity is effectively moving closer to the fire while expressing concern about burns. You're your own worst enemy.

 

You've established the negative impact he has on your life, happiness and well-being. The next step should be pretty clear, cutting him off permanently enables you to move forward to a better place. In your case, it's an early Christmas gift I'd give myself...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jess060191]

What is the "..." message? Why do you bother responding when you know what he is up to? You know he's doing it to keep you on the line, yet you keep taking the bait.

 

Because I’m a fool

[jess060191]

Hi,

 

I had a look at your other threads and it seems like this has been on on-off thing for you. I don't see this getting any better i'm afraid. He is using you for attention, or until somebody 'better' comes along.

 

A 'shirtless mirror pic'.. Sounds like a narcissist or that he has low self esteem and needs to string people along in order to feel validated. This is not a good catch.

 

If i were you, i would cut him off immediately. Remove all contact from him.

 

 

He has been described as a narcissist by other ppl and the more research I do about it the more I believe he is one or the very least has traits of one.

[Highndry]

You are not ready for a relationship. You need to figure out why you have such poor boundaries and are up for being used and abused by a narcissist rather than finding a man who is into you and not a bevy of other women.

[spiderowl]

If this guy is not making you happy and you end up crying and distrusting him, then you need to leave him.

 

In a way, it doesn't matter whether he is multidating or anything else. You are unhappy with his lack of response and care.

 

Why did you get involved with him again? This guy is only going to hurt you. You need to get him out of your life and build yourself up again. A guy who cares about you will be there for you. You will not spend your time crying or wondering what he is up to. Those miserable feelings are telling you this is not working. Pay attention to them.

 

If you give this guy the push, he will probably seek you out for ego reasons. Don't be misled by this. Ignore him and build a better life for yourself where you are open to new and loving relationships.

 

Oh, and you are not a fool; you just do not realise what power you have once you start enforcing boundaries and expecting others to treat you better. Once they know you will not put up with poor treatment - that you will walk without looking back - there will be guys who respect you more and will go to some trouble to be your boyfriend. As long as you are waiting around for them and responding to breadcrumbs from them, they will not bother because they think they've got you on a string. As soon as you break that string and make it clear you have no time for it, things will change.

Edited November 26, 2019 by spiderowl

[Soak]

Because I’m a fool

 

Don't worry, we've all been there.

 

Mr Lucky's post was good.

 

You are viewing it from the inside now, being subjective. Eg, letting your emotions take precedence. But, an intellectual point of view would be to leave this situation now.

 

It is not too late to redeem yourself and scrape together your self esteem. That's another thing a lot of us here have had to do.

 

May i ask, what are your interests? Do you have any hobbies?

 

[jess060191]

Don't worry, we've all been there.

 

Mr Lucky's post was good.

 

You are viewing it from the inside now, being subjective. Eg, letting your emotions take precedence. But, an intellectual point of view would be to leave this situation now.

 

It is not too late to redeem yourself and scrape together your self esteem. That's another thing a lot of us here have had to do.

 

May i ask, what are your interests? Do you have any hobbies?

 

 

I love makeup up and beauty. I just started my YouTube channel and I’ve been trying to concentrate on that. Its a good distraction. Of course when he found out I had a channel he had to comment all the things that were wrong with it. I used to love going out with friends but now I’ve become too much of a homebody. It’s really sad but this man has taken all my self esteem. I’m trying though to get it back, little by little.

[cavalier99]

Sorry you're having a rough time. I haven't read all your posts just a little in this thread.

 

But it definitely sounds like you need to go total and complete NC. Just block everything

 

.. my girlfriend just broke up with me last night. And I started clicking way to completly remove her from my phone.

 

It sucks but its got to be done if you want to start healing. You can do it..just a few clicks ..deletes and block. Block the phone number on your phone carrier also that way you won't know if he calls or text you.

 

Cav

[assertives]

Seriously block him and go NC like yesterday. Don't wait till 2020. When 2020 comes, you are just going to push that deadline further and further. As for his mother becoming friends with that girl, I think you need to be mentally prepared that they are already likely dating. I wouldn't be too surprised if they become Facebook official next. This is why NC is important, block him and anyone else related/close to him off all your social media. You don't want a front seat row view to his new relationship. You already know, that whatever you guys have going on right now isn't going to lead into a meaningful step towards reconciliation nor is it going to be fruitful.

[schlumpy]

Jess is this the first time this has happened to you where you lost yourself in an emotional morass? If it is, then I want you to know there is hope. It seems like most of us have to go through that first bout of pain and when you recover it very likely won't happen again.

 

Pull yourself out of the swamp step by slimy step until you feel firm ground once again and that will happen once you decide to cut the emotional cords that are binding you to Mr. Sensitivity.

[jess060191]

Sorry you're having a rough time. I haven't read all your posts just a little in this thread.

 

But it definitely sounds like you need to go total and complete NC. Just block everything

 

.. my girlfriend just broke up with me last night. And I started clicking way to completly remove her from my phone.

 

It sucks but its got to be done if you want to start healing. You can do it..just a few clicks ..deletes and block. Block the phone number on your phone carrier also that way you won't know if he calls or text you.

 

Cav

 

I’m sorry to hear that hang in there....

 

I’ve blocked and unblocked my ex numerous of times it’s awful. So here’s the issue with my ex... he’s very well known, he’s not famous or a celebrity lol but a quick google search will pop him up. Also he has a Facebook page that I don’t believe I can block. So mostly I have to fight the urge to look him up. It sucks.

[jess060191]

Seriously block him and go NC like yesterday. Don't wait till 2020. When 2020 comes, you are just going to push that deadline further and further. As for his mother becoming friends with that girl, I think you need to be mentally prepared that they are already likely dating. I wouldn't be too surprised if they become Facebook official next. This is why NC is important, block him and anyone else related/close to him off all your social media. You don't want a front seat row view to his new relationship. You already know, that whatever you guys have going on right now isn't going to lead into a meaningful step towards reconciliation nor is it going to be fruitful.

 

My stomach just filled with knots reading this, but I know you are being truthful. Sad part is if he is indeed with this woman I highly doubt she is aware of me and how he still keeps in touch with me. If he gets a girlfriend I know the right thing is to block him but I think I would lose my mind and go off on him.

[jess060191]

Jess is this the first time this has happened to you where you lost yourself in an emotional morass? If it is, then I want you to know there is hope. It seems like most of us have to go through that first bout of pain and when you recover it very likely won't happen again.

 

Pull yourself out of the swamp step by slimy step until you feel firm ground once again and that will happen once you decide to cut the emotional cords that are binding you to Mr. Sensitivity.

 

This is the first time I’ve been through something like this. And it’s really sad. A bunch of my close friends and family members have confessed to me that they never seen me this bad over a man. It’s awful I never picture myself becoming this way over a guy. And the worst part is, right before I met him I was the happiest I ever been in life. It’s like he knew that and wanted to take it all away from me. I often wonder if this is my life now and if I’ll ever be happy like that again. I know this may sound dramatic since it’s all because of a guy... but just being honest.

[stillafool]

My stomach just filled with knots reading this, but I know you are being truthful. Sad part is if he is indeed with this woman I highly doubt she is aware of me and how he still keeps in touch with me. If he gets a girlfriend I know the right thing is to block him but I think I would lose my mind and go off on him.

 

Just know that if you tell her he keeps in touch with you that it isn't going to make her break it off with him. She is just going to consider you the bitter, jealous ex. Especially now that he has introduced her to his family, she feels she's all in.

 

Yes you will be happy again. This isn't the only man there are millions more.

[assertives]

My stomach just filled with knots reading this, but I know you are being truthful. Sad part is if he is indeed with this woman I highly doubt she is aware of me and how he still keeps in touch with me. If he gets a girlfriend I know the right thing is to block him but I think I would lose my mind and go off on him.

 

It does not matter if this woman knows he is still in touch with you. Just like he once told you "she's just a friend", he will tell her or any other woman he dates the same thing about you too. And just like you chose to believe him, chances are, this woman or any other woman he dates will too and believe you are that crazy ex who isn't able to accept that things are over especially if you went off on him.

 

The right thing to do is to block him everywhere NOW. Not tomorrow, not when he gets a girlfriend/get married, when it's 2020 or 2021 or when the stars are aligned. Yes, you will be happy again, but not until you get rid of him and the poison he brings with him in your life.The faster you let him go, the further along you will be in your journey towards healing and finding happiness again.Tell yourself, the more time you spend mopeing over this guy and wasting your life, the more time you are taking away from meeting and spending it with the right person who you'll end up with. As it is, life with the right person for you isn't long enough. Don't waste anymore on this guy or this dysfunctional mess with him.

Edited November 26, 2019 by assertives

[jess060191]

Update: 

My ex started blowing up my phone again, hinting that he wanted to hook up. When I finally returned his call he asked why I didn’t call him back and I told him how I felt and how I wish we could of worked out somehow. He told me again he has no interest in being in a relationship with me or anyone. And it’s not fair to me that I want more and he doesn’t. So naturally I reacted and called him an a**hole. It’s been days since then and haven’t heard from him since. I know it’s for the best but I feel like absolute crap. 

[vla1120]

I know it is easier said than done, but you need to block him and go entirely NC. You said you were happy before him. Now he is chipping away at your self-esteem. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Try to get yourself back into your mindset before you met him. If someone had told you how he was going to treat you, would you have even gone into the relationship knowing that information? He didn't deserve your time then, and he certainly doesn't deserve your time now. You have to stop giving him valuable real estate in your head and heart.

[jess060191]

I wish I never met him