forgot MIL's birthday . . . oops; now what?

[d0nnivain]

As many of you know, my MIL is a bit of a thorn in my side.

 

Since August my own depression has raged. End of October / beginning of November were particularly difficult for me. My S.A.D. kicked in hard. I've been a mess.

 

MILs birthday is in the beginning of November. I completely forgot. In my "defense" I also blew off 2 of my BFFs on their birthdays around the same time because I was having real difficulty functioning. I wasn't using the calendar / reminder features on my phone. I wasn't on social media. I wasn't going out. I wasn't going to work. Really, I was a non-functioning mess.

 

MIL has no idea that I struggle. I would prefer she did not because she's a gossip & frankly I don't want to give her further emotional ammunition with which to hurt or manipulate me.

 

I kind of blame DH. He didn't remind me nor did he pick up the slack. He ignored his own mother on her birthday! I told him we forgot. He had no idea. I'm annoyed at him for that & worry what it says about him that he doesn't care. Still I'm sure MIL blames me.

 

So what do I do now? I was thinking of getting a gift certificate & sending it to her with a Happy Belated Birthday card & some lame excuse about generally not feeling well.

[Art_Critic]

So what do I do now? I was thinking of getting a gift certificate & sending it to her with a Happy Belated Birthday card & some lame excuse about generally not feeling well.

 

 

Perfect..except no excuse is needed, just a belated card/gift

We have all forgotten somebody's B-Day at one time or another.. that is why they have the cards

[schlumpy]

You seem to be very disappointed in yourself D. Is this one of your core values that you connect with respect for other people regardless of the feelings involved? We must keep up appearances.

 

One of my core values is being on time and it bothers me exceedingly to be late. I equate it with respect for other people. So, what did I do? I fell in love with a woman who is constantly late. Go figure.

 

I think your plan of sending a card with an extra juicy present is a good one and then get a big wall calendar to mark those B-days down on. Memory is such a dicey thing.

[d0nnivain]

Y then get a big wall calendar to mark those B-days down on. Memory is such a dicey thing.

 

It's not a memory issue. I have calendars out my ears: Written, digital and virtual. I missed her birthday because I was too depressed to function. A calendar won't fix this.

 

I don't understand your point about core values. That sounds like a bunch of a psycho-babble to me & I can't comprehend the point you are trying to get across but having read other posts of yours I appreciate the fact that the Q comes from a good place & sincere desire to help me. Thank you for that.

 

I guess I'm most upset that MIL will see this oversight as another reason to dislike / distrust me. She & I struggle in our relationship. This will make it worse. My biggest fear is growing old & being forgotten / abandoned so the fact that I inadvertently overlooked somebody else sickens me.

[alphamale]

So what do I do now? I was thinking of getting a gift certificate & sending it to her with a Happy Belated Birthday card & some lame excuse about generally not feeling well.

 

do you bake d0nnivain? you could bake her a cake laced with cyanide

[d0nnivain]

Actually I'm a great baker, alphamale. MIL claims to be on a diet all the time & have gastro intestinal issues that prevent her from eating most foods. She's obese. Mostly I see her eat junk & fried food. Last Christmas after complaining about all the rich food I made she scarfed down most of the white chocolate macadamia nut cookies I baked. I don't want to poison her but I would love to shake some sense into her.

[vla1120]

If you look at this from the perspective of taking care of YOU first, you should just send her a belated birthday card - no explanation necessary. We all forget stuff, and since she isn't exactly a "support net" for you, I wouldn't worry about what she thinks! You have to take care of yourself. I'm sorry you've had a rough few months. Don't be so hard on yourself!

[Happy Lemming]

You MIL is not a child, birthdays should be no big deal (at her age).

 

I'm 54 and I don't celebrate my birthday any longer... it's just another day.

 

Yes, (as you suggested) a belated card and a small gift card, Done and Done.

 

In the end, (if it really is that big a deal) doesn't it fall more on your DH to do something for your MIL... it is HIS mother.

 

Don't sweat the small stuff, take care of YOUR health, first.

[Gaeta]

I am sorry D0nnivain this is a tough time for you :-(

 

 

I agree with sending her a card with a suck-it-up-as-much-as-you-can gift. No apologies. Just nice flattering words.

 

 

 

She has a reason to complain if you do nothing but if you send a card and gift I can't see her complaining that she got her gift on the 30th instead of the 12th.

[Mr. Lucky]

I was thinking of getting a gift certificate & sending it to her with a Happy Belated Birthday card & some lame excuse about generally not feeling well.

 

I'd send it without any excuse about not feeling well. She is what she is, and had you send her a Faberge Egg on the actual date, she would probably still have found fault with it.

 

d0nnivain, you only get to be in charge of you and your feelings. Keep fighting the good fight and find peace with the rest of it. Happy holidays...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mrs rubble]

Don't beat yourself up! Your husband should be the one remembering his own mother's birthday, not you.

Yes send her a belated birthday card and gift, apologize for forgetting but don't mention anything about why you forgot.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Tough to be saddled with a MIL such as you described, d0nnivain!

 

But, also, I hate to read that you're going through such a rough time.

 

As I type this I'm wondering if a thread with tips for alleviating depression might be helpful for many people. Anxiety and depression are issues so many cope with!

 

On another note I do think it's your husband's responsibility to remember his mom's birthday. Especially at this time if anyone's going to feel bad about it, it should be him. I say send a gift and a card and forget about it.

 

For the most part it's great to be anonymous on LS. But, when posting on a thread such as this one I wish we could all give you a hug because they're so therapeutic (at least for me!). You might not be up for a virtual hug but I'm going to do it anyway and wish it could be in person! (((((d0nnivain)))))

[Els]

It's not a big deal, and even if it were, it's your H's responsibility IMO. I'm sure he wouldn't be doing mental somersaults for forgetting YOUR mother's birthday...?

[basil67]

Another vote for this being your husband's problem, not yours.

[alphamale]

Don't beat yourself up! Your husband should be the one remembering his own mother's birthday, not you.

Yes send her a belated birthday card and gift, apologize for forgetting but don't mention anything about why you forgot.

 

^this.....

[Whodatdog]

Its only a big deal if you make it so. Tell her oops, you're sorry you forgot (no reason is needed), and give her a card or something. Then its up to her to act like an adult and move on. In the grand scheme of things, its not a big deal.

[preraph]

That's on her SON, and I can only imagine he's who is getting the blame for it. That's his mom and it's on HIM! So let HIM do whatever he thinks best. Too late to do it now, but he should go spend some time with her or take her to dinner or something. Don't let him blame it on you!

 

 

And I am so sorry your SAD is so bad. I hope the sun shines soon.

[Pastypop]

My husband’s mom hates me so I make absolutely no effort to send her anything or contact her for her birthday. That is my husband’s job. In the past she just complained about it anyway. Now she gets nothing because he can never remember to send her a card. MILs need to be nicer to their DILs. Too bad many of them learn that the hard way.