When the wounds run deep

[samjam7]

Hello everyone!

 

I made my first few posts here about 5 -7 months back. Back then I was dumped by my ex and I was utterly devastated and at that point where I had lost my sanity. This forum REALLY REALLY helped me then. I can not even say how much each of your words has meant to me. Listening to all of your advice and inspiring messages helped me go no-contact for 7 months with my ex.

 

I would say in all these months I have had moments where I definitely felt better and had moments where I was happy without my ex. But here are few things that still make me feel like **** and I do not know if it's at all normal. So here goes:

 

1) Even when I was happy and content at the back of my mind I had my ex somewhere. Like I would think "Wow I really am feeling better without him". I do not understand why he still has to be there every waking moment in my thoughts even after 7 months. It really bothers me.

 

2) I sobbed today again thinking about small details of our past relationship. When he was nice to me and when I was nice to him. It really broke me and made me feel like ****. Like I am still in love with someone who cruelly dumped me via text? I felt such an overwhelming love for him in my heart after 7 months of no contact. Do I have to live with this feeling indefinitely?

 

3) It makes me feel like a loser that all of it still gets me. I can remember each and every memory from the relationship and it feels like it just happened yesterday. It's like all of it is still alive within me.

 

4) The worst part is throughout these seven months I have traveled, taken courses, applied to jobs and made tons of friends and still, here I am today crying over a man who does not love me. Who used me, blindsided me and made promises he could not keep. How much more tears do I have to shed over this guy?

 

5) How long will this misery continue? Will I be one of those people who take years to get over someone? I can not sacrifice years for someone who treated me like dirt.

 

6) I am still not comfortable with the idea of seeing him with someone else. If I found out he is seeing someone or even the very thought brings tears to my eyes. If our relationship was so toxic and so negative then why do I still feel so strongly for such a disgusting relationship?

 

7) Do successful dumpees find happiness again? I always find that dumpers find happiness again. But us dumpees are left with no hope.

 

8) How will I be able to love again? Any suggestions? I am still attracted to jerks like my ex who are flirtatious and have player energy.

 

I never really understood my wounds ran so deep until now. Can I really entirely blame him? I played with fire and brought this upon myself. I can not help but get that loser feeling even after 7 months post BU with no contact.

 

Why suddenly? Why suddenly the wound still feels fresh?

 

Are some emotional wounds like cancer cells that never truly go away....

 

I must be doing something wrong. I know with the right attitude people can do anything.

 

P.S.

If anyone wants to know about my backstory then here is the link of what I had to go through.

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/686869-why

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/681879-first-time-getting-dumped-updated

Edited November 28, 2019 by samjam7

[schlumpy]

I never really understood my wounds ran so deep until now. Can I really entirely blame him? I played with fire and brought this upon myself. I can not help but get that loser feeling even after 7 months post BU with no contact.

 

I don't think anyone can tell you how long this will last. It varies per individual. I don't think in your case it will be years and I am basing that on the strength of character you are showing by maintaining NC and the above quote that demonstrates you are very self-aware and not locked into a fantasy. When you start to look into yourself and quit using your ex as a foil then the healing can progress.

 

You seem to be doing all the things you should do to get past this so there's no sense in suggesting taking up sky diving as a distraction. Have you ever considered hypnosis? Like anything else in this world it won't work for everyone but it is a none chemical way of temporarily easing the pain so that the more rational part of your mind can once again regain control.

 

Why are attracted to players? You will have sort that out on your own with a therapist. It's not in your best interest unless you are a player and then it's fun and games but the saying is: "The heart wants what it wants." Logic need not apply.

[Mr. Lucky]

I must be doing something wrong. I know with the right attitude people can do anything.

 

samjam7, the biggest step for me in getting over an ex was this realization - I didn't miss them, I missed the feeling of being connected to someone.

 

So all those thoughts, memories and fantasies are just examples of what you want, what you're looking forward to. And part of this process was forcing myself to think of those same good times in other relationships too, going back to my GF in high school.

 

It's a sort of depersonalization, you come to realize the "dumper" was just one of many potential partners. And from this comes a road map, a way forward that involves focusing on what you'd like to have rather than what you've lost.

 

Hope thing work out...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Piddy]

Some people you will never get over. He'll be special to you forever. However, the feelings will eventually get buried deep inside you and you won't feel them like you do today.

 

The only way to get to that place is to find someone else. You have to replace the feelings you still have for him with feelings for someone else. It's the quickest way out, at least it was for me.

 

As far as the no contact goes. My ex contacted me 2 years after she left me. I had found someone else though and had no interest in seeing her again.

 

Many times the dumper does have regrets and does go thru a morning period also, but it's well after the initial breakup.

 

This is when many dumpers will contact the dumpee and may try to reconcile.

 

Also, I eventually went against my type and fell in love with a 'good' girl. We've been together 41 years. So, try going against your type and maybe give the 'nice' guys a chance.

 

Oh, and years from now if you have some curiosity about this particular ex, don't scratch that itch. Because trust me, although the original feelings seem to be gone, they may be lying dormant deep inside you.

 

The best analogy is if someone gets the chicken pox when they're a kid. They get better after few weeks, but the virus is still inside them lying dormant. Then 50 years later something triggers the virus to reemerge and they get shingles.

 

Kind of a wacky analogy, but this happened to me. Both the chicken pox / shingles and the reemergence of long ago feelings.

 

Good luck to you. Many of us have been there. In my case it was long ago, but I remember it well.

Edited November 28, 2019 by Piddy

[preraph]

Just remember that the love you felt and feel is YOUR love that originates from inside YOU, not him. You gave it to him. But when you left, you get to take that love with you because it is your love from inside you. At some point, you can stop giving it to him and even give it to someone else. You don't lose the love. You just have to not let it run your life. Someone once told me, When you get tired of being miserable, you'll stop. There's some truth to that.

[samjam7]

I don't think anyone can tell you how long this will last. It varies per individual. I don't think in your case it will be years and I am basing that on the strength of character you are showing by maintaining NC and the above quote that demonstrates you are very self-aware and not locked into a fantasy. When you start to look into yourself and quit using your ex as a foil then the healing can progress.

 

You seem to be doing all the things you should do to get past this so there's no sense in suggesting taking up sky diving as a distraction. Have you ever considered hypnosis? Like anything else in this world it won't work for everyone but it is a none chemical way of temporarily easing the pain so that the more rational part of your mind can once again regain control.

 

Why are attracted to players? You will have sort that out on your own with a therapist. It's not in your best interest unless you are a player and then it's fun and games but the saying is: "The heart wants what it wants." Logic need not apply.

Thank you!! Your advice really helped me before as well. Wow! I might take a look at hypnosis.

 

Not exactly the player. Like if there is a nerdy shy guy and there is a flirtatious guy it's easier for me to bond with the flirty one. This is because I am a very guarded person and shy. A guy who is very smooth with girls and someone who likes the chase finds it easier to break those walls. So sadly that is the case and unfortunately, such guys are not best with commitment.

[samjam7]

samjam7, the biggest step for me in getting over an ex was this realization - I didn't miss them, I missed the feeling of being connected to someone.

 

So all those thoughts, memories and fantasies are just examples of what you want, what you're looking forward to. And part of this process was forcing myself to think of those same good times in other relationships too, going back to my GF in high school.

 

It's a sort of depersonalization, you come to realize the "dumper" was just one of many potential partners. And from this comes a road map, a way forward that involves focusing on what you'd like to have rather than what you've lost.

 

Hope thing work out...

 

Mr. Lucky

Yes, you are right! In my case since this was my first intimate relationship, I do not really have anything else to compare it to. On top of that when I talk to new guys they are not exactly chasing me like how he did. So its an unhealthy situation in my mind.

[samjam7]

Some people you will never get over. He'll be special to you forever. However, the feelings will eventually get buried deep inside you and you won't feel them like you do today.

 

The only way to get to that place is to find someone else. You have to replace the feelings you still have for him with feelings for someone else. It's the quickest way out, at least it was for me.

 

As far as the no contact goes. My ex contacted me 2 years after she left me. I had found someone else though and had no interest in seeing her again.

 

Many times the dumper does have regrets and does go thru a morning period also, but it's well after the initial breakup.

 

This is when many dumpers will contact the dumpee and may try to reconcile.

 

Also, I eventually went against my type and fell in love with a 'good' girl. We've been together 41 years. So, try going against your type and maybe give the 'nice' guys a chance.

 

Oh, and years from now if you have some curiosity about this particular ex, don't scratch that itch. Because trust me, although the original feelings seem to be gone, they may be lying dormant deep inside you.

 

The best analogy is if someone gets the chicken pox when they're a kid. They get better after few weeks, but the virus is still inside them lying dormant. Then 50 years later something triggers the virus to reemerge and they get shingles.

 

Kind of a wacky analogy, but this happened to me. Both the chicken pox / shingles and the reemergence of long ago feelings.

 

Good luck to you. Many of us have been there. In my case it was long ago, but I remember it well.

 

Yes, you are right!

I read an old letter from him after that all this sobbing happened. I do not want him to be special to me forever because he is not worth it. I just want to forget him and be completely detached like how I would become for my ex-crushes.

 

I am talking to a new guy now but the problem is he is polar opposite to my ex, He is very very nerdy but good. Being a nerd he is super shy and finding it hard to express his feelings like how my ex used to. But what I need to understand is guys like my ex are not the best long term partners.

 

I am just traumatized by the entire experience. I did not know breakups are so traumatic. I just want to be happily single like how I used to be as a teenager.

[samjam7]

Just remember that the love you felt and feel is YOUR love that originates from inside YOU, not him. You gave it to him. But when you left, you get to take that love with you because it is your love from inside you. At some point, you can stop giving it to him and even give it to someone else. You don't lose the love. You just have to not let it run your life. Someone once told me, When you get tired of being miserable, you'll stop. There's some truth to that.

I am really sick of being miserable and being attached to a person who faked love to win over me and left in the moment of need. I know those small memories of good times don't add up to what he did and how he lied to me. Sometimes I tell myself what you told me. I will love him despite him not being worthy of it and him not caring about it. But then again I hate myself for it because I know he never truly cared for me. I wish I become one of those people who are indifferent to their ex.

 

Love is a scary business. If this is the risk that is involved in love then it's best to be asexual and be alone forever. Sadly, that is not a possibility anymore. I just need to figure out the kind of person I should love.

[Mr. Lucky]

Love is a scary business. If this is the risk that is involved in love then it's best to be asexual and be alone forever. Sadly, that is not a possibility anymore. I just need to figure out the kind of person I should love.

 

The price of love is vulnerability. You can’t really connect with someone unless you let them in, in every sense of the word.

 

Since this was your first relationship, you’ll get better at picking up on some of the cautions and red flags earlier. Though I’m afraid, still no guarantees against heartbreak...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Being alone as you get older and friends/family get married and have their own families is it’s own kind of pain.

 

Nothing is life protects you from pain. Which is why, the older that I get the more I realize that finding a loving relationship is worth the risk...

[FMW]

In one of your older posts you said the relationship lasted two years (on and off). One of those seemingly goofy rules is that it takes half the time you were together to get over it. So by that measure, you still have a few more months to work through it. Just like the saying "it's always darkest just before the light", sometimes you'll have a resurgence of strongly missing the person toward the end of your recovery period. But then you're ready to leave it behind and move forward.

 

I agree with others that when you're able to get interested in someone else and start a new relationship, even if it's not super serious, it will help you move on. It lets you know that part of what you are missing is the connection and the feelings and that you can have that with someone else.

 

If you truly loved your ex, part of you probably always will. But that doesn't mean you can't love someone else just as much or even more.

[samjam7]

@Finding my way Thanks! This is what I am trying to process through that eventually it will get better. I just hope the memory doesn't make me sad years from now. Like I want to attain detachment from these memories. Your words are giving me hope and I remember reading that article where a guy mentioned how he cried hard and then after that last cry and last moments of nostalgia he finally moved on.

 

One of my guy friends said that he never gets over his breakups but just moves on with the next person. He does not think about his past breakups even after years because he knows it will make him sad. I don't want to be one of those people.

 

I do not want to truly love my ex. He is not a deserving candidate for it as I am aware logically.

[samjam7]

The price of love is vulnerability. You can’t really connect with someone unless you let them in, in every sense of the word.

 

Since this was your first relationship, you’ll get better at picking up on some of the cautions and red flags earlier. Though I’m afraid, still no guarantees against heartbreak...

 

Mr. Lucky

Yeah, I also hope this is also my last breakup. Failed relationships really hurt me like how failed businesses would hurt business owners simply because I am so emotionally invested. I can never date casually( not that it is wrong).

 

I guess I have to choose a guy different from my ex who wouldn't be in it for the chase and trying to break my walls. But it is so tough to say who is genuine and I would have to let my guard down on my own if I were to pursue a relationship with a simpler man,

[samjam7]

Being alone as you get older and friends/family get married and have their own families is it’s own kind of pain.

 

Nothing is life protects you from pain. Which is why, the older that I get the more I realize that finding a loving relationship is worth the risk...

True! I guess having an evolved mechanism of dealing with pain helps or just being a detached person in general.

[scooby-philly]

1) Even when I was happy and content at the back of my mind I had my ex somewhere. Like I would think "Wow I really am feeling better without him". I do not understand why he still has to be there every waking moment in my thoughts even after 7 months. It really bothers me.

 

OP, that's normal - particularly for a first real deep relationship. I've had 3 ltrs since I started really dating as an adult and in 2/3 cases - it took 4-6 months to clear my head. And guess what - it's okay - good people invest in a relationship. You can't beat yourself up for trying, for loving the other person, for being vulnerable, and you can't shut the world off to avoid the pain or stay away from the world to avoid getting hurt again. Your brain is on it's own cycle that you can't control. Think of it this way - if you could easily move on then it means you didn't love him and that would be scarier by far. If it helps, try writing (and if you're like my re-writing over and over) and list of things that were wrong with the relationship, with him, etc. Not to bash him or get stuck, but to help your mind slowly integrate the reality that life wasn't perfect and he wasn't either.

 

 

2) I sobbed today again thinking about small details of our past relationship. When he was nice to me and when I was nice to him. It really broke me and made me feel like ****. Like I am still in love with someone who cruelly dumped me via text? I felt such an overwhelming love for him in my heart after 7 months of no contact. Do I have to live with this feeling indefinitely?

 

No - again, the feelings will go away. I so feel your pain. I'm 38 and I got dumped via text and IM by a "woman" I was dating for close to 2 years about 3.5 months ago - she was 24. Yeah, I know age gap but in reality, I didn't have a problem with it. But...time really shows someone's character. If my ex or your ex truly cared about you, they wouldn't slither away. Whatever his faults, his shortcomings, his emotional/psychological issues - suffice to say that if you were dating for more than 6+ months then do dump someone other than in person (unless there's absolute unusual circumstances) it's immature and shows you what a person he is. Now - as to the sobbing - that's normal too. But...you can't linger on it. You have to recognize when your mind is spiraling and stop it. For us - being dumped (out of the blue for you?) in such a loveless and degrading way - our minds will struggle for a while looking for a "why?" and a "what could I have done better, differently, etc.?" and that's not healthy. Not to say that we can't improve ourselves, but if we gave the best we could, then what more can we have done? If our exes weren't mature enough to talk to us about their feelings to begin with, then move on my friend! You're a better person then he and a better person for learning this lesson (albeit the hard way).

 

 

3) It makes me feel like a loser that all of it still gets me. I can remember each and every memory from the relationship and it feels like it just happened yesterday. It's like all of it is still alive within me.

 

Again - that's your mind trying to find a "reason". I didn't have a great childhood and can still suffer from low self-esteem and even after 10+ years of working on myself there's still a little part of the "inner child" in me that wants to blame all bad things that happen in my life on ME. Long story as to why but for you, if you suffer from low self-esteem or blam yourself for things then it's your mind working in parallel with your inner child that drives those deep seated feelings of unworthiness and shame. That's when you call or text a friend or family member you love and who you know will tell your the hardest, deepest truth and tell them how you feel and your'd be surprised - they will probably smack you around saying how great you are and that you need to remember that. If you haven't done this already - clean up all physical memories you can bear to part with, delete photos of you two, block on social media, don't stalk him on sm, etc.

 

4) The worst part is throughout these seven months I have traveled, taken courses, applied to jobs and made tons of friends and still, here I am today crying over a man who does not love me. Who used me, blindsided me and made promises he could not keep. How much more tears do I have to shed over this guy?

 

As many as necessary. We don't live our relationships in isolation. Whatever you think you're feeling about him/the relationship is also bound up with feelings that you have about you, your life, your family, your childhood, what you want out of life, etc. The "work" you have to do is to let the emotions come, search them for what they can teach you about yourself, where you want to go, who you want to be, and how you want to live your life, and maybe fix 1 or 2 things about yourself that are valid, and ignore the rest. I'll give you an example. Even though I had previous ltrs before this past one, she and I were very compatible in terms of lifestyle, intellect, wanting kids, wanting dogs, etc. And I it was a long-distance relationship (ldr) so in retrospect as I have learned, I spent a lot of time fantasizing about the future, and ignoring the fact that I was not getting my needs met now and there were a ton of clues/signs and even outright episodes of disrespect, that pointed to her not being mature, not loving me as deeply as I loved her, and her not being ready to address her shortcomings or really "provide" what I needed - though I'm a pretty simple ass dude so I don't need much from a partner outside of the basics of love and affection and understanding. Let your tears flow and see what you can learn, but don't beat yourself up. I fear for people who can be hurt and then don't cry. Imagine being that walled up inside.

 

5) How long will this misery continue? Will I be one of those people who take years to get over someone? I can not sacrifice years for someone who treated me like dirt.

 

Only you can discover what will help you finally rid your subconscious of him. I'm not advocating lying or cheating or dishonesty of any sort - but really - as a woman - you got it made - go have a fling or two or twelve. It's okay to have physical fun and not being emotionally attached to the person as long as you're honest with them and you're honest with yourself when you're ready to move on for something real - or at least, the next fling. And if you can't let yourself do that - at least go out and flirt with some dudes - makeup at least hookup with a few and have some fun.

 

6) I am still not comfortable with the idea of seeing him with someone else. If I found out he is seeing someone or even the very thought brings tears to my eyes. If our relationship was so toxic and so negative then why do I still feel so strongly for such a disgusting relationship?

 

You didn't share a ton of details - but perhaps it's because you focused on his good qualities and ignore the bad. Perhaps you've got to work on your self-esteem and self worth a bit. And again - that's not a knock against you - you didn't choose what happened to you growing up and until you're about 21-25 most people aren't emotionally mature to start doing the "work" to become the people they want to be and should be and remove all the baggage - so use this as a time to get healhty and happy with yourself. And if you're focusing on him and what he is or could be doing - STOP IT! Take a walk, call a friend, masturbate, play a video game, whatever - just distract yourself.

7) Do successful dumpees find happiness again? I always find that dumpers find happiness again. But us dumpees are left with no hope.

 

8) How will I be able to love again? Any suggestions? I am still attracted to jerks like my ex who are flirtatious and have player energy.

 

Time heals everything. Oh - there will still be scars. You may even find yourself a year from now crying for no reason...even if you're happy and with someone great. But that's life. We're human BEINGS. Not human DOINGs. Now as to the attraction part - that I can't speak to - but I know undoing will be work. And you'll have to be committed to doing the work if you truly want to change it. A lot of women are like that and eventually mature out of it, but some never do. For me, I've dated different types of women - my problem isn't who I am attracted to - it's been not respecting myself enough to leave when it was obvious (or maybe not so obvious) that I needed to move on for whatever reason. But if you truly want to change - then maybe a shrink can help or at least you can do a bit of work yourself and find a friend or two who's willing to help you "check-in" as you meet and go on dates with guys who can be brutally honest and help you stop the pattern.

 

 

Why suddenly? Why suddenly the wound still feels fresh?

Are some emotional wounds like cancer cells that never truly go away....

I must be doing something wrong...

 

You thought about something or experienced something that triggered and emotionally memory that's connected deeply - hence the pain. All wounds heal - but there's always a "soft spot" in the armor - now in a year you won't have a break down - you may just smile, laugh, chuckle uncontrollably, beat yourself up, etc. but you won't be a wreck.

 

And I think, reading your other posts, part of your struggle is you're too hard on yourself and you aren't hard enough on others. Sure, we all make mistakes and we all need to work on things. But you're allowed to be human.

You said in reply to someone "Yeah, I also hope this is also my last breakup. Failed relationships really hurt me like how failed businesses would hurt business owners simply because I am so emotionally invested". That's not the right approach. Sure, we all want to find the "one"...and there's nothing wrong if you're an affectionate, romantic person like me. But...you can't find love without getting hurt and you can't find the "one" without trying and you can't grow without pain. So don't let yourself "settle" simply because you don't want to face the pain (and perhaps shame) again. Part of your recovery may be should involve writing out a few things to remind yourself of for when you're in the "next" relationship and if you're a giver and a kind person like me, that you use that list to make sure the other person is matching your effort, your affection, your love.

 

Hope you're having a better day today.

[scooby-philly]

7) Do successful dumpees find happiness again? I always find that dumpers find happiness again. But us dumpees are left with no hope.

Misses one of your numbers!!! Apologies.

 

Sure, the "dumper" usually finds happiness (and/or another relationship) sooner - but it's not always that way. I dated a true psycopath for a year and I know she was in a relationship WAY before I got back into one - but she was a serial dater who couldn't stand to be alone and didn't have what it takes to live life as an adult without jumping around till she finds someone willing to try and put up with her ****.

 

But when I've been dumped, I don't know if my exes found someone or not before me, because I never checked in on them to know and I didn't care. It's very normal to feel like "****" when you're the dumpee. I mean, after all, the dumper has the upper hand. And even if they're not dumping to immediately get with someone they've had their eyes on or even have been cheating on the ex with, they've prepared themselves (in most cases, not all) for the sudden change in life where the dumpee is blindsided often.

 

And while this hurt and I'm not minimizing your pain, you're young, hopefully healthy, and you probably have a lot to be thankful for in your life, so don't let their problems and their reasons drag you down.