dumper timeline question

[Alpha999]

Hi there,

 

I've read many times about a dumper going through various stages...always starting with relief and sometimes going through elation, curiosity, anger, second guessing, reconciliation, acceptance etc. Depending on what you read the stages slightly vary but always seem to start and end with the same phases.

 

Obviously each relationship is different but I'd be interested to know, particularly if you were a dumper, how you went through this "timeline"?

 

Did you feel multiple feelings at once or did a particular stage last a while before moving onto another? How long did each stage last?

 

The reason I ask: my recent ex couldn't have made it any clear that she wants to be left alone - something I am doing at the moment - but in the same flurry of messages said that her feelings for me had been replaced by "real sadness" and that our post BU contact was making her ill.

 

My guess is left alone she will feel relief but I was curious that she also said she feels the real sadness. In my case although I'd dearly love her back I think I've made too many post BU mistakes for that to happen any time soon unfortunately. So as incredibly difficult as it is I am slowly starting to try and move on...for now ha!

 

Any thoughts on either my particular case or your experiences would be welcome.

 

Thanks.

[Mr. Lucky]

Did you feel multiple feelings at once or did a particular stage last a while before moving onto another? How long did each stage last?

 

Some of this depends on the relationship. Is this the first breakup or had you split before? Each cycle tends to shorten the emotions involved.

 

Regardless OP, neither “leave me alone” nor ”you make me sick” seems to support the need for this type of analysis.

 

Why not look ahead?

 

Mr. Lucky

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I've never heard of those stages.

[ExpatInItaly]

I can't say I've gone through those stages as a dumper nor analyzed the process that closely.

 

When I have been the one to end a relationship, it was always with a mix of sadness and relief. The sadness stemmed from knowing I was about to hurt a good man and knowing that we would not be able to remain in each other's lives. There's a certain mourning that comes with the end of a relationship, even when it's the right choice to end it. The relief came from ending something I knew wasn't working and that I no longer wanted. My relief was always stronger than my sadness, to be honest.

 

That was it, really. I moved forward with my life and did not really need to process or accept my decision further. I had already largely done so by the time I ended it. It's not as complicated as you laid you in your initial post.

[Piddy]

Never been the dumper, but was the dumpee once. I think it may depend if the dumper left the dumpee for another person. When the dumper leaves they've been thinking about it for a while. In my case there was a personality change. She acted unhappy, distant, disagreeable etc.. So, with hindsight she was mulling over if and when she was going to leave me.

 

So when they finally do it there's a sense of relief and if they have another person to go to there's a sense of elation that they're now free to be with that person.

 

In my case she left me for a married man, so I knew it was just a fling that wouldn't last. Also, in my case she was young and probably felt she needed to live more life as a single person (we lived together).

 

She was gone for two years and I don't exactly know what she really felt or did. However, she did contact me with a phone call and was all sweet and nice wanting to see me again after those two years.

 

She tried three times to talk to me. The first call I refused to see her and told her I had a new girlfriend. Then she had someone I knew call me and asked me to come meet with her, which I refused. Then she finally came into my work place and spoke to my grandfather, but I was busy with a customer and she ended up walking out.

 

This would be when the dumper goes through their grieving period. In her case she knew I was gone for good and I'm sure had some regrets on her decisions from the prior two years.

 

That was it, never saw her again. Decades later I wished I had met with her to find out what she felt and did in those two years and to get some closure on what happened etc..

 

My best guess is she went thru the relief, elation stage and after the fling with the married man ended she then proceeded to pursue other potential love interests. But in the end she realized the grass wasn't any greener and missed what she had with me.

 

So eventually she got to the second guessing / doubt / remorse stage and then the curiosity stage kicks in and that's when she called all nicey nice. She was very cold and indifferent when she left.

 

I did do the no contact thing when nobody knew what that was. So, in my case the no contact did work.

 

What happens is over time the dumper will tend to remember more good times than bad and eventually becomes curious and may reach out to the dumpee.

 

You have to remember that dating for the dumper is not that easy as well. And in many cases it comes down to they don't realize what they had until it was gone. And they miss it.

 

This is all conjecture on my part. But from reading things on this subject, it does line up with my limited one time experience.

Edited November 29, 2019 by Piddy

[mixedblood]

i have never left a serious relationship before.

 

but from what ive seen from my most recent relationship

i can put myself in her shoes and narrate what she went through

heres from her point of view, what i assume happened.

 

-dumped him close to three year anniversary, i loved the guy, i just wasnt ready to settle down

- i did leave him for a new guy, i just wanted more experience i knew i broke his heart but it wasnt that bad , right?

-my ex was way better then this new guy. i just cant go back to him because of what i did , i dont think it would be fair.

-ok i want my ex back

 

now the second break up

 

-man my ex just isnt the type of guy i want to be with yeah hes fun and out going i just dont find him serious enough

- i cant stand how he acts like nothing happened. that i walked all over him

- i cant stand how he trys to talk about feelings all the time its so annoying

- hes such a push over he does everything for me , i need someone to tell me to do **** for myself in a nice way\

-oops im pregnant now.

-god my hes just always happy, its not normal. i wish there was more to him then just enjoying life , i need drama

-i cant listen to him, hes too much like my dad

 

then baby born

 

life good fora bit

 

- i cant stand him, he always lays around, and works all the time, i feel so bored of him

- why is he always tired, i know he works , but i take care of our kids, and im not tired

-my single friends seem to have it way better. and all these guys online even ask why im with him

-maybe everyones right , maybe i can do better

- got he just wont give me space, he always wants to be around me

- im tired of doing family things, i want to go out with friends and have fun

-man commitment isnt fun

- this new guy likes me, i know i did this once before, but hes just too interesting

*cbeats*

 

- man the guilt for what i did is just too overwhelming

- i need a reason for what i did

-ill just make up reasons to be mad so i can hate him so i can dump him or hell dump me first

- ok he wont ever dump me, doesnt matter how nasty or rude or bitchy i am

 

then i get dumped.

 

now what she probably felt

 

- i feel so relieved

-life is so awesome

- i can sleep with and do what ever i want

- 6 montths, i miss my ex did i make the right decision

-a year, i have to cut him off completely , i know he misses me and wants answers, but if im ever going to move on and him, i need him gone for good

- present day. - i wonder if i made the right decision. i wonder if hed take me back if i wanted him back, not that i do, what if he marries someone, how will i feel. i just will never look back

 

and thats how she probably feels about me. so sorry its only hypothetical , but thats what i think anyways

[Highndry]

...

 

but from what ive seen from my most recent relationship

i can put myself in her shoes and narrate what she went through

heres from her point of view...

 

 

Geez. I hope that was hypothetical and not really you. If it is.....ughhh....